FF Happy Ending

[badbard]

Happy Ending
by badbard
(tiger_by_night@xxxxxxxxx)



WARNING/DISCLAIMER:- This is a rather twisted parody.
Want a happy ending? You got it! Of course, knowing
me, this piece of garbage probably isn't exactly what
my readers had in mind. *EG*

Buffy, Willow, Giles, Xander, Cordy and Giles belong
to Joss Whedon, Warner Bros and Mutant Enemy Inc and
are not being used for profitable purposes, only
shameful ones.

Setting takes place sometime after end of second
season when Jenny is dead, Angel has been sent to
hell, Willow is in hospital after casting the
soul-restoration spell and Oz and Faith have yet to
arrive on the scene.

Two girls get it on but believe me, there are more
offensive couples in this piece. Remember this is
meant to amuse. If you don't enjoy dark humour, don't
read.


***


Willow sat up in her hospital bed as Buffy stode
through the door, shyly holding her lucky stake behind
her back.

"Where's Angel?" asked the hacker.

"In hell," replied Buffy cheerfully. Xander popped up
behind her.

"Where he jolly well belongs!"

"Darn tootin'," grinned Buffy, presenting Willow with
Mr Pointy. "Here, Will, I want you to have this. I'm
givin' up slaying and gettin' me a job that's..."

"...payin'!" finished Xander, hopping up and down in
excitement. "We would've brought flowers but the
florist was all sold out, putting stock on people's
graves. Business is good."

"B...but who's gonna slay?" cried Willow in confusion.
Buffy pulled up a chair and took the hacker's hand
gingerly into her own bloodstained one.

"Kendra," she explained patiently.

"B...but Kendra's dead!" burst out Willow.

"So she is," remembered Xander, nodding to himself.
"Remind me to drop a posy on her. Anyone for
chocolates?" Buffy just shrugged and grabbed a
strawberry heart from the care box they'd brought
Willow.

"We got over it. Everybody knows the lifespan of a
Slayer leaves a bloody something to be desired."

"What about Faith?" suggested Xander.

"Who?" asked Buffy.

"The replacement killer...er Slayer."

"Who?" asked Buffy.

"Aw, don't worry about it," decided Xander. "Soon as
you die another will be called. Let's hope she's
attracted to me this time."

Buffy laughed in something approaching derision. "No
possible way, my Xander-shaped friend. No way in the
world."

"No way you're going to die?" translated Willow
hopefully, feeling quite weak.

"No way a girl's gonna find hyena-breath delicious,"
stated Buffy. "Unless of course said girl is a giant
insect, a desperately undead vampire or a skanky ho."

"A skanky who?" asked Cordelia, wisking into the
hospital room.

"Speak of the ho," muttered Buffy. Xander stood up to
stick his tongue down Cordy's throat. Willow watched
wide-eyed.

"Shouldn't they be finding a utility closet?" she
whispered to Buffy. The Slayer rounded on her
cheerfully.

"Look and learn, Will. Speaking of closets, isn't it
about time you came out?"

"Wha?" gasped Willow, feeling the need to lie back
down.

"'That's me as a vampire?!'" mimiced Buffy. "'But I'm
so skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.' Ring your
bell, Will?"

"No!" gasped Willow.

"Oh," said Buffy with disappointment. "Probably
because it hasn't happened yet...well I think you're
kinda gay too. So let's consummate our friendship."

"How do you even know what that word means?" gasped
the Wiccan, wondering what dimension she'd been
inadverdantly sucked into this time.

"Greetings all," proclaimed Giles, striding into the
room and presenting Willow with some wilted flowers.
I had such a good time with Jenny last night. At
first she was cold and stiff but soon we warmed up..."

"I thought she was dead," cried Willow.

"Yes?" said Giles. "Your point being?"

"Arghhhhhhhh!" screamed Willow until Buffy took the
opportunity to stick her own tongue down the Wiccan's
throat.

"Mmmmm."


THE HAPPY, DISTINCTLY UNBELIEVABLE, END









=====
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