FF AND I think I'm kinda gay...

[badbard]

This is a rather up in the air piece. I don't know
what I think about it.



AND I think I'm kinda gay...
by badbard
(tiger_by_night@xxxxxxxxx)


WARNING/DISCLAIMER:- Buffy and Co belong to Joss and
Co.

This fanfic's based on the buffyloves/wantswillow
lists' theme of a past week - Rumors. Rumor has it,
I'm catching up on past themes. ;)

Set when the Scooby gang was still in Highschool - the
hot items on today's menu are Buffy/Angel, Willow/Oz
and Xander/Cordy. We're expecting a new addition
shortly of the f/f variety but I'm not going to
disclaim the fact two grrls get it on in this fic as
my raunchy (rip-off quote from 'Doppleganged') title
should've scared uninterested parties off.

Oh yeah, spoilers for 'Doppleganged'. Like above for
instance. *EG* Erm Faith is bad without being bad yet
if you get me which is hard to do I know.

Xena has said, 'with me, profit's not always measured
in gold,' (Comedy of Eros) but as I don't see her
stooping down in front of me in that lovely leather
corset, I fail to see the relevance of this quote in
the disclaimer. I mean, c'mon, we all know I'm not
making profit. Of any kind. Unless evil mirth
counts!

Let the experiment in wacky writing style begin...



===
Boring. That's what this re-published version of
Sunnydale was. Boring except for Buffy. I'd seen the
way she'd salivated after me when we first glimpsed
each other at the Bronze. How her eyes had fixated on
my leather bustier, how her pink tongue had licked
nervously at her lips.

"Holymotherofgod, you're Willow!" she'd gasped, every
syllable pulsing with a heady mix of fear and desire.

===

"Holymotherofgod!" gasped Willow, sitting bolt upright
in bed and brushing cobwebs from her eyes.
"Holymotherof...what was THAT? Now I'm fantasising
I'm her? Er me? But I'm so skanky. And I think I'm
kinda gay..."

"You WHAT?" screamed her mother from the doorway.
"Young lady, do you know how much we've already put
into your college fund? We can't afford the kind of
extensive therapy you obviously need!"
===

"Holymotherofme!" gasped Willow, diving under the
covers. "That didn't really happen. It was just a
nightmare. That didn't really happen. My secret is
safe. Wha? What secret?! I'm not gay!"

"Yes you are late," warned her mother from the
doorway. "It's time for school."

"I am so lucky," whimpered Willow, staring wide-eyed
at her oblivious parent. "I don't deserve this kind
of luck."

"Watch your language, young lady," snapped her mother.
"I'll make you wash your mouth out with...

"Paint thinner," explained Cordelia later on at their
lunchtable. "I'm telling you, it's the only thing
that gets 'Bloodred' polish off my nails. The only
thing! Of course, that IS the only colour I'm having
probelms with."

"Is something wrong, Will?" whispered Buffy, nudging
her friend underneath the table. "You're being so
un-babbly and un-bubbly and very unlike my favourite
Willow-shaped pal."

"Wrong?" Willow emitted a high pitched giggle.
"Wrong? Why of course not! No! Never! Nuh-uh!
What could be wrong? Think about it." She started
counting on her fingers. "I have a masculine macho
boyfriend..."

"He hairy," grunted Xander in a fair ape-man
imitation. "He hairy, hairy man except when he hairy,
hairy animal."

"I have a masculine boyfriend," repeated Willow
closing her ears to Xander, "and we do, like, stuff
together and it's all very normal and heterosexual and
completely..."

"Funny that YOU should mention the h word," put in
Cordelia, dropping her nailpolish back into her
handbag in disgust. "Have you heard what people are
saying about you?!"

"What?!" gasped Willow in abject horror. Xander shook
his head at Cordy. Buffy reached for Willow's clammy
hand and glared at her nemesis.

"It's all over town," the gossip raved, now reapplying
her 'Bloodred' lipstick. "Not just that you're a nerd
and you can change people's grades on your doobywackit
by the way. They're also saying you, like, keep
coming onto me."

"They say what?" gasped Willow, feeling short on air.

"They say what?" almost screamed Buffy, leaping to her
feet.

"Are you hard of hearing?" griped Cordy. "I said,
everybody in Sunnyhell knows Willow's got a major
jones on me. Personally I don't blame her."

"But Cordy," singsonged Xander, winking at his
childhood buddy, "you always say Willow's taste
bites."

"So does yours, Xand," decided Buffy, giving Cordelia
a disgusted look. "God, can't you ever just keep your
big mouth shut?"

"Big mouth?" worried Cordy, snapping open her compact.
"You think I have a big mouth? You meant to say
luscious lips, right? You're just an ex-expellee who
can't speak American, right? Right?"

"Will?" said Buffy worriedly, turning to gauge her
best friend's reaction. It was not what she expected.

"Lies!" screamed Willow, actually going so far as to
clambour up onto the table. "Lies! Vicious lies!"

"Uh, Will," whispered Buffy as just about the entire
school population stopped eating to see something new
to gossip about, "this is very unlike you. This is
scary Faith-like behaviour. Please sit down.
Soon."

"My lap's free," Cordy invited with a wink and a wave.


Suddenly feeling the hundreds of eyes on her, Willow
found the courage to half-fall off the table back onto
her seat. "It's just that it's not true!" she
proclaimed vehemently while Buffy rubbed her back in
circular motions. She turned to the Slayer
agitatedly. "You do know that, right Buffy? I don't
like Cordelia!"

"I don't like her either," soothed Buffy.

"Hey!" snapped popular person in question. "Like, I
want to be liked by the, like, rejects that, like,
nobody, like, likes! Like, call me a cab for outta
here and it damn well better have leather seats.
'Cause I don't do plastic."

"Huh?" said Xander. "I'm riding a big fat huhfalo
here."

Cordelia ignored him with an ease born of long
practice. "Let's talk about 'Little Miss Violent
Epileptic Episodes' instead...the things we say about
you!"

"Uh Me?" asked Buffy, raising her hand uncertainly.

"Who else?" smirked Cordelia. "I mean apart from
debating your true hair colour and pondering your
childhood trauma."

"You talk about all the weird escapees in halloween
masks who hail from the funny farm and how Buffy gets
to be creative with a stick every Friday night at the
Bronze?" wondered Xander.

"That too," allowed Cordy. "But mostly we just talk
about how she wants to hump Faith's leg."

"I what?!" gasped Buffy.

"She what?!" screeched Willow, pulling at her reddish
hair.

"Oh yeah," grinned Cordelia. "But that's not all..."

"I don't, Will," Buffy protested, turning earnestly to
the hacker. "I really don't. I want me and Faith to
be better friends but..."

"You don't?" repeated Willow.

"No," confirmed Buffy.

"Why?" asked Willow, looking down at her hands,
knotted in her lap.

"Yeah why?" agreed Xander. "I sure do! Why don't
you?"

"Because..." Buffy started.

"You have a thing for the dead?" guessed Cordy. "And
their cold stinky bodies? And their rabid natures
that turn on you and your FRIENDS as soon as you stop
being the tease everybody expects you to be and go and
do the extremely sick thing and sleep in a coffin?
For two?"

"I'm getting out of here." Buffy got up and glared
pointedly at Cordy. Willow followed suit.

"Me too. But...B...Buffy, please answer the
question." Buffy studied her shoes.

"Because I'm in love with...somebody else, Will. Not
Faith."

"Could you be?" asked Xander with great interest.
"I'm not talking Faith here, I'm talking some girl,
any girl, girl on girl action! Preferably while I'm
up the tree outside your window with a rented video
camera."

"Look not everything's about sex," said Buffy,
flustered. Xander shook his head seriously.

"Yes it is."

Cordelia glanced up at Buffy from beneath thick
lashes. "Well BUFFy? Could you? Would you? If I
crooked my finger would you..."

"You are a demon from hell," growled Buffy fervantly.
Cordelia looked innocent.

"Isn't that your type?"

"Buffy," prodded Willow, dragging a little at the
Slayer's jacket sleeve. "Buffy, don't let her get to
you." She frowned down at the gossip. "When you get
upset, she's winning." The Slayer drew back her
shoulders and took a deep breath.

"Okay. Okay, I'm set. Let's get outta here, Will.
I've got...I've got something that maybe I wanna tell
you."

"Me too," smiled a suddenly brave Willow slipping her
hand into Buffy's. "Me too."

"Have you heard," started Cordy watching their
retreating backs with avid interest. "What they say
about Buffy and Willow? Lola saw them in the lab..."

"Paul saw them in the library..." put in Xander.

"That new jock saw them under the bleachers..."
grimaced Cordelia. Xander gave her a sideways grin.

"I haven't heard that stuff you were saying about
Faith and Buffy though. As much as the idea gets me
right here," he glanced down, then blushed, "it's as
not happening as Will," he began giggling, "having a
crush on you." It was Cordelia's turn to get up in a
huff.

"Just for that, you're not getting any in-closet
action, Harris."

"Oh c'mon, Cordy," he whined, following on her
high-heels. "You're such a chick magnet. There I
said it. Now can we go and..."

"...spy on Buffy and Willow?" giggled back Cordelia.
"Sure. Let's try the graveyard - I've worked out
Willow feels some sort of witchy affinity with sliding
her butt along cold slabs of marble."

THE END





















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