RE: FIC; New Feelings

[CAClarke2@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]

Have no idea if I am doing this right but I was inspired or drunk and since
I am at work I don't wish to go their. Anyway this is a first time first
kind thing for me. Warning my spelling sucks. Grammar is non existent as
well and I have a fragile ego. But I love and I do mean LOVE every thing Pat
Kelly has every put on the net that I have read.

Going with It: (Going with Pat on New Feelings)

It has been almost a month since I moved to Sunnyhell. Destiny really suck.
Then again if it wasn't for fate I would never have met her. My Willow. Of
coarse she doesn't think of me that way. I am not sure that I think of her
that way. She is so sweet in her mismatched fashion and red hair.

I love her shy pattered smile. The way she chews her pencil and thinks of a
computer like a real person. Face it, I am in love. Only I can't tell any
one, not even myself. If Willow ever found out she would never speak to me
again. I am already a total freak to the whole school. Worse I tried out for
cheerleading and well the hellmouth had other ideas. Do not ever try being a
slayer and cheery on a blood vengeance spell. I am just lucky Xander, Giles
and Willow kept me from hurting anyone. I don't ever want to hurt anyone but
I know that sooner or later I will let somebody down. How can I not. But if
I ever hurt Willow I don't think I could go on living.

Yeah right, Drama queen that's me. On the other hand I did find out my mom
isn't that bad after all. Wow can't imagine living my life with a mom like
Amy's. I know I thought my mom was a real witch before but she is a saint in
comparison. And she really likes Willow.

The thing is there is this guy. Well he is not really a guy he is a Vampire
guy. But a good vampire guy. His name is Angel and he is cute in this
annoying kind of way. He has got these sad puppy dog eyes that just break
you heart. I guess he's ok. When ever he is around long enough to notice
him. I can just see us married it would be like: Hi honey the world is going
to end see you in a month.

Even if the is a track here I can't stay on it. Angel kissed me which is how
I found out he was a Vampire. It scared the hell out of me and I do not
scare easily unless you happen to be a certain redhead and frown at me.
Which is how I ended up kissing Angel in the first place. Well that and he
saved my life from these 3 super vamp warriors. The Three. Could they pick
cooler names or what? The sounds like the stogies.

Ok back to Angel. Will and I were setting in the bronze when I pointed him
out to her. I don't know why but I did. And she started on how cute he was
and how much he was into me. How I should go for it. And I started to panic.
I mean really panic. And she gave me her resole face, saying "Buffy, you
need a man in your life as all young women must have yada yada yada" She
didn't actual say that but I could read her face. So I try to tell her that
I am not interested in Angel and under my breath how I am madly in love with
her.

Only I have no guts. I can behead a football player with an extacto knife
but I can't tell Will that I love her. I know how Xander must feel and that
is an issue I don't even want to get into. He gave me a bracelet. I was so
caught up in the Amy's Mom thing at the time I didn't read it. Or maybe just
didn't want to deal with it. It said "Forever Yours." How do you deal with
that? I mean I like Xander I just don't like Xander. And I don't really like
Angel that much either. I like him better then Xander. He is different. A
non high school kind of thing but I feel trapped. Dating Angel takes care of
that whole no boyfriend issue and him not being at school means I don't have
to deal with him on a daily or with Angel even a weekly basis. It stops guys
like Xander from wanting to be more then friends. Plus with Angel it is a
work thing so there isn't that much gropping time. Mostly it keeps Willow
from know the truth. From knowing who I am. I hope sometimes in the back of
my mind that I gain the nerve to tell her. I mean she deals my being the
slayer. But they are two different things. They slayer is a freak that helps
people and a dyke, not that I am a dyke, or maybe I am I don't know. Wait
back to the point, what ever I am is a freak that people are afraid of.
Weird huh, as the slayer I can pull your arms out of their shockets but as a
what ever I can even look you in the eye and that is the one people fear.
Well mom is calling.. Dinner is ready.

-----Original Message-----
From: Pat Kelly [mailto:bandits@xxxxxxxxx]
Sent: Thursday, January 06, 2000 9:17 PM
To: buffyloveswillow@xxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [buffyloveswillow] FIC; New Feelings


K, I just started this. It's a first, small bit and the fic will probably
grow. This is set in the first season, and told from Buffy's POV. Eventually
Willow's POV will come in. Let me know what you think.

NEW FEELINGS

I've been here in this little; nowhere town called Sunnydale, for a few
days. Or as one of my new friends calls it, "the one Starbucks town."
Already I've had to risk my neck to prevent a powerful vamp from rising and
sucking on the world. Guess the slaying thing won't ever leave me alone.

What really shocks me, is that I've got two friends now. Two friends who
know what I have to do, have experienced the life and death ritual that is
my life, and are sticking around. You don't know how much better that makes
me feel. And I think it'll be one of those lasting friendships. I've read
about them, just never had any before.

I'll let you in on something. See, the two people, their names are Xander
and Willow. Xander's a funny, nice, guy, but Willow...

I was with this girl, Cordelia, walking through the halls, and we stopped at
a water fountain on my first day. There was this girl standing there,
getting a drink. A redhead wearing a pretty concealing, conservative, dress.
I didn't know a thing about her, but just looking at her, I figured her out.

She was self-conscious, sheltered, wasn't much of a risk taker. I could tell
she was the shy and intelligent type, and the way Cordelia was ragging on
her, I just wanted to knock Miss Popular out. Willow had a lot going for
her, but she wasn't sure of herself. All I could think was she's really,
really...cute.

And all I just wanted to do was show her. My problems didn't amount to
anything when I saw the look on her face as she hurriedly walked away from
us.

When we talked in the Bronze, the local club, I was a little freaked and sad
that my deduction was dead on. We've talked a little more since then, and
she seems to be opening up, or something that means gaining confidence or
whatever.

And you know what? Just sitting there and listening to her talk is becoming
one of my, actually only, favorite thing to do. It's nice, and strange, and
I want to question why I enjoy it, but another part of me says forget it.

I'm doing that now. Sitting in the Bronze just listening and staring...God
I'm staring! Look, I know I'm a girl, and I barely know her, but I think...I
think...I'm falling in love with her. That doesn't really bother me as much
as it should.

Weird huh? Most kids in the school have already labeled me a freak, so no
worries there, and it's a new town and new life. Bye, bye old
"Cordelia-esque Buffy", in with the new. So whatever I feel...I'm just gonna
go with it.


"When I held that gun, I felt an incredible surge of power. Like God must
feel when he's holding a gun.." (Homer J. Simpson)

"You've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and
now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just
realized that that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I
think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to.
It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."

"I kind of love you."
(Willow Rosenberg, Buffy Summers, BTVS)

"Don't.."
"What? Don't love you? I didn't know I got a choice in that."
(Angel, Buffy Summers, BTVS)
_____


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