Fic.. "My Private Heart Ache" 'PG'

["A.M. Glass" <glasswrks@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: "My Private Heart Ache."
Author: Angela
E-Mail: glasswrks@xxxxxxxxx
Copyright: March 11, 2000
Rating:
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy all have
something to do with "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer" and
all the characters contained herein. The story is sole
property of the author, me. No copyright infringement
is intended or inferred. I'm using a single line from
a song called, "An Angel In My Eyes" it's sung by John
Michael Montgomery and can be found on his greatest
hits cd.
Dedicated To: Sonya, my bdw. Thanks for the title.
Distribution: Bill& any one else, you can have it.
BTW, Bill, I like how you have the story on your site.
It's like one long story. Neat. That's not to say I
don't appreciate the hard work put in by everyone
else. Really& honest. Don't make me plead!!!
Author's Note: This in number nine in the "Heart Ache"
series. I can't believe you all still want to read
this. I haven't been able to figure it out yet,
perhaps I never will. But thanks to everyone that has
read the previous stories and e-mailed me, I know I
haven't replied to everyone, and I apologize, but make
no mistake, I've read each and every one, some more
than once. Let's hear it again for Microsoft Word '97
spell check. And now, as always&

PREVIOUSLY:

Willow's thoughts were jumbled; she couldn't believe
what was happening&

What she was allowing to happen.

She felt Buffy's hands moving down her chest&

Brushing against&

The locket&

***

Tara knew that she might somehow lose Willow to Buffy.
The bond they shared was something she might not be
able to get around. Not that she ever wanted to
jeopardize the relationship by doing anything that
Willow might see as a jab at her friend.

Still she couldn't help thinking that had it been the
other way around, and if she finally realized how much
she cared for Willow, she'd want to do whatever she
could to make sure that the red headed beauty never
gave the other girl a second thought. Not that she
wouldn't encourage a friendship between them, but
she'd make it quite clear, 'hands off.'

But, she wasn't Buffy, so she had no way of knowing
exactly what the other girl had in mind. Of course she
could think of all the things she'd like to be doing.
But by the same token, she didn't want to think of
'them' doing anything. Willow had told her about what
Buffy had said, as well as showing her two notes.
Willow had said that she didn't want any secrets
between them.

So, Tara knew that Buffy was interested, more than
interested in Willow.

'Why now?' she thought. It had taken her so long to
actually do something about her feelings. How many
people could say that it was a simple gesture of
holding hands that made the difference? She still had
her memory of night they had shared together. Yes, she
had put a stop to what was happening, but she couldn't
in all honesty allow Willow to do something that she
quite possibly wasn't ready for.

'I don't want to lose her. But, what if she wasn't
mine to lose? Buffy's known her longer& they care for
each other, that's plain to see. I don't want&' Tara
shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, her eyes
blinking back the tears that had suddenly popped up.

She knew Willow would make a decision, one that would
affect her life. For how long, that was a question she
never wanted to answer. She sighed as she lay in bed.
Sleep was eluding her, and these questions had decided
to occupy her mind. There wasn't anything she wouldn't
do for Willow, and as soon as she had thought that,
her mind taunted her.

'Buffy's the same way you know. What makes you think
that Willow, beautiful, caring, compassionate,
intoxicating& endlessly kissable Willow would want
you? Buffy's better looking, she's the Slayer, she's
know her longer& she's better than you, get that
through your head.'

Tara took her pillow and covered her face, trying to
block out the thoughts that had plagued her since the
very beginning. Granted, finding out that Buffy was
'The Slayer' knocked her for a loop. How could she
compete with 'that'? What did she have?

"I love her," she said out loud, stating something
she felt deeply.

Her whole world had changed ever since she met the
talented Wicca/Hacker.

Once again, doubts flooded her mind, and no matter
what she might say to counter each one, there was
always a small flicker of dismay. That no matter how
much she loved Willow, Willow would not& could not
love her back.

"Damn it!" she shouted into her pillow. The tears she
had fought finally came, rolling down the sides of her
face. She wanted nothing more than to be able to hold
Willow in her arms, to wake up and see her sleeping,
and looking in awe. She didn't think it was asking for
much, not really.

'She fills my heart, she fills my soul, she is the
half that makes me whole,' she groaned. "Great, now I
thinking country song lyrics." Soon laughter bubbled
up, and she could no longer contain it. She laughed
until her tears had companions of their own.

She knew she had to wait. If things didn't go her way,
would she be able to handle seeing her with Buffy?
Could she still look into Willow's face and not see
the woman she was in love with? Would she be bitter
and cut herself completely off, thinking it was the
only way to handle the situation?

Or would she swallow the bitter pill and go on with
her life, being there for Willow. Could she let go of
the friendship she so genuinely cherished?

"No," she answered herself truthfully.

She could only hope that Willow would still want to be
her friend. She smiled, if there was something she
knew about Willow, it was that she didn't give up on
her friends. And if that was the only way she could
have Willow in her life, it was better than never
seeing her again.

"Willow& " Tara whispered, finally putting her
thoughts to rest and hugging her pillow, that, if she
inhaled deeply, she could still make out the faint
essence of Willow's shampoo.

***

"Willow, what's wrong?" Buffy asked when the hacker
pulled away abruptly. Perhaps she pushed to quickly.

"I& I need some time to think," she replied, moving
to her bed.

"Oh, okay, I understand, I guess. You know what, I
think I'll head out and do a quick look-see on campus.
That'll give you time, I'll see you later," Buffy said
as she grabbed her coat and left the room.

TBC

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