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GEARING UP (OR - 7-3-0)
Faith and silence didn't mix. She usually hated it because, one, she
wanted to speak and she wouldn't be allowed to; or two, it led to nervous
fidgeting. In her current situation, it was the latter. She didn't know
if it was obvious, but she knew she was doing it, and that was bad enough.
This was make or break. Alienating Buffy's mother would not be a good idea.
Not for her.
Of all the relationships she had rebuilt when she came back to Sunnydale,
she was still on shaky ground with Joyce. The thing with Xander wasn't
something she could help, and it really wasn't her fault. She didn't think
she was doing anything horrible by being with Buffy either, but Joyce was
a parent. A mother. A part of Faith desperately wanted that "motherly"
connection she had never had. Joyce was her only hope.
Joyce had all the reasons in the world to be wary even after the two
of them had formed a mutual understanding. She was looking out for her
daughter's welfare, while trying to rationalize the relationship for herself
and figure out if she could be supportive. Some people would be annoyed
at that, maybe even push the person away, but Faith liked it. Joyce didn't
pretend to know everything or be perfect. And she didn't flip out.
Which was a change for Faith, whose mother was so drunk most of the
time, that she convinced herself and Faith, that she knew everything. Even
that Faith was a little whore who wouldn't amount to anything. The perfect
mother. She always wondered what her mother was like sober, but the woman
was usually passed out for most of the day.
That wasn't Joyce. And that was good, because Buffy didn't deserve
that hell. Buffy must have noticed her uneasiness, because she put her
hand on Faith's knee. Faith was grateful, because somehow that simple gesture
had calmed her nerves. And Joyce must have noticed too, because she had
decided to speak.
"First, Angel told me to tell you that…Adam…is in a cave somewhere
in Breakers Woods…and you would know what that meant."
After the slayers had filed away that tidbit of information, Buffy
let her surprise show. "You went to see Angel?"
Joyce gave her a, "that's not the issue" look, and continued. "I've
been thinking a lot about this, and I've tried to be rational, and not
yell, or overreact. And I'm not going to do that now."
"But?" Buffy prodded.
Faith looked at Buffy. "There's a 'but'?"
"There's always a 'but'."
"I realize that you both are seeing each other, but I can't accept
it. I've tried to think of a way to be supportive, but I just can't."
"Why not?" Buffy asked, shocked.
"I…just…it doesn't seem right. I think you're getting yourselves into
a situation that has more consequences then you realize. But, I can't stop
you. It's your lives."
Faith felt like she had been punched in the gut. Buffy felt sick.
"If you talked to Angel then -"
"He may have centuries of wisdom, but I don't. We all know what happened when he put his love philosophy to the test. It didn't go really well." Buffy gave her mom and icy stare. "Maybe I'm being close-minded, but that's how I feel. I'm sorry."
"Look mom, maybe if we explained -"
"Buffy, you could explain it to me all you wanted, but I still wouldn't be comfortable with it. Maybe it's because I got hit with a lot at once, or maybe after a little time -"
"It's me, isn't it?" Faith asked.
"No, it's not you. It's that you're both -"
Faith got off the sofa. "What do I have to do to show you that I'm
not gonna screw up again?"
"I was trying to say that it's because you're both girls. You think
it'd be easier for me to take considering some of the other things I know.
It isn't. You two don't have a choice with slaying, but she has a choice…you
have a choice, with this. People will say -"
"I've heard enough cover stories to know that's bullshit. If it was
Willow, I bet you wouldn't be this wound up." Faith raised her voice quite
a few notches.
"You don't know that."
"Red's the only one who hasn't gone psychotic, right? She'd be a hell
of a lot easier to accept. You could at least give me a break and be honest."
"It's not all you." Faith flinched. "But you threatened my life and
killed others. Forgive me if I have a problem with you being in a more,
intimate, relationship with my daughter, where she's just a little more
vulnerable."
"Can we please remember that I'm still here?" Buffy asked.
"I guess that's it then." Faith said, her argument deflated.
Behind the rage, Buffy could see the look Faith was giving her mother.
There was pleading, there was hurt, and the emotions rushed to the surface,
and a memory emerged. It was Faith's.
~~~~~
"You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me." Joyce had said.
I don't know what else to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I wanted her by my side, but I screwed up. You liked me. And now I'm screwing us up too.
"Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees."
You know what I'm talking about. We're both lonely. Both left out. You're supposed to understand. Please. Help me. Before I go too far.
Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
I'm not really gonna kill ya. I'm just trying to get Buffy to come. It's not the right way to go about it, but I know she'll come for you. Maybe for me too. You're her mother. I never had that. But maybe I can. Can't you see? I can't look that crazy.
"Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead! I mean nobody cares! Nobody remembers! Especially not Buffy-fabulous-super-hero! Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it. She was over us a long time ago, Joyce. Too busy climbing onto her new boytoy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother and she just leaves you here to die!"
She does remember you. It's me she doesn't remember. Why am I trying to hurt you? Come on Faith, you're not gonna use the knife. Why am I moving towards her? God, I'm sorry. Stop me. Mom.
~~~~
"You were my last -" Faith started to say then cut herself off.
Buffy shook her head as she came back to reality. Wow. Her mom's consent was…she had never realized how much Faith had...looked up to her. And now the brown-haired slayer was flinging open the door, and storming out.
Joyce looked stunned a second, and turned to her daughter.
"How can you even think of," Joyce forced out the word, "loving somebody that unstable? She could snap -"
"You really don't understand, do you? The least you could've done was made an attempt. But you had to shut us out. Without even trying to see our side. Would that've been so hard?" She got up and started to move to go after Faith.
"Buffy -"
Buffy shook her head. "Don't. Okay? Why do you always have to drive
the people I love away?" Joyce paled. "Yeah, he told me. He said it was
purely his decision." She looked at her mom, who was now looking at her
hands. "Nice talk, by the way." Buffy jogged up the stairs, and outside
looking around for Faith.
"Faith!"
The other girl was standing to the side of the door, up against the
wall. "Damn it!"
Buffy saw her. Saw her defensive position, and automatically knew she couldn't let it continue. She reached her arms out, and Faith voluntarily leaned into the offered embrace.
"I know." Buffy said softly.
***
Riley felt like he was re-learning everything. Sky equaled blue. Grass
equaled green. He saw Adam and Spike. They equaled trouble. Buffy. All
he knew was that she wasn't dead. And that meant he had to get to her.
He looked deeper into the large, dark cave. There were bodies. Lots of
bodies. Demons. All alive. Almost…in stasis. What was Adam planning to
do with them all?
"Ah, you're wondering about my experiments." Adam observed.
'He thinks you're on his side. You can use this. Stay calm.'
Riley thought to himself.
"How many are there?"
"One hundred and three. I wanted more, but they've all found places
to hide. Soon you and I will lead them to our birthplace and free the captives.
I suppose you'll want revenge."
"Revenge?"
"What do you remember?"
"Being shot…waking up…attacking Faith and Buffy…killing men…" Riley
swallowed. "Killing men with a skewer."
"You died. Your heart no longer beats."
"Then what…?"
"Advanced artificial neurons and machines designed to stimulate heart send impulses through wires to your memory banks. You still contain bio-materials, but besides the few brain cells that feed memory to your central hardware and help coordinate movement with it, the rest are non-functioning."
Riley looked down at his hands, and then brought them up to touch his face. They felt normal, but could he really feel anymore? Spike was watching the scene with minimal interest, but he did know Adam had made a mistake by "waking" Riley. But was he going to tell him?
Nah.
"I think I'm…going to take a walk." Riley said.
"Be cautious. Will you return here at nightfall?"
"Yeah. Sure. Nightfall."
Riley walked slowly out of the cave.
"What happens then?" Spike asked Adam.
"You're right. It's time to launch an offensive. The first wave of attack will be against the slayers. They need to be distracted from what I want to accomplish. Will you lead?"
"Do you want them whole or in pieces?" Spike asked with a grin.
"It's time to wake the experiments."
***
Xander paced quietly outside, debating how to go in. He was wearing a headset, so he had to go in soon or else whoever was watching him would start to get suspicious. It wasn't that he didn't think he could get the disk, he was armed after all, but it was the actual process of taking it that worried him. All the scenarios he was playing out in his head were not good. He would either be in pain at one point, or causing pain. There was no good at all, but he figured he should just get it over with.
"I'm engaging." He said, speaking into the microphone.
Xander began moving towards the door.
"What are you doing?"
He turned around quickly to see Anya looking at him. "What are you doing here?"
"I had nothing better to do. Are you going to answer me?"
"You have to get out of here."
She looked at the gun. "You're not going to shoot anybody."
"Anya." He tried to be forceful, but it sounded more like pleading.
"I don't know exactly what you've gotten yourself into, but you're too good to go bad."
"Go. Now."
She shook her head.
They were watching and listening. He had to do something. Anya wasn't helping matters. He thought for a second, and saw a window of opportunity. Which he'd probably pay for later, but what choice did he have?
Walking up to her, he quickly reached out, wrapped his arm around her neck, and turned her around so he was behind her. "Move."
"Hey!" He lifted his gun arm up, and pointed the barrel at her side. "Okay, okay."
They moved to the front door. "Open it."
"You really don't want to do this, Xander."
"The door."
She reached her arm out and turned the knob, pushing the door open. They walked in slowly, and everyone inside had heard the door open, so their eyes were watching every move.
"Xander, what could you possibly be thinking?" Giles asked, being the first to speak.
"Just give me the virus and…and…nobody gets hurt." Xander stuttered. He wasn't good at the hostage-gunman thing.
"You can't want to do this." Wesley said cautiously.
Willow and Tara had been standing side by side when Willow started to approach Xander. "Whatever you've been doing, just put the gun down and we'll talk about it, okay? This is me, remember? You don't want to shoot me do you?"
Xander silently cursed. He couldn't keep this up. She was going to blow it. "Will, just give it to me." He tightened his trigger finger. "I don't want to, but I will if I have to."
Anya simply sighed. "Okay, I've had enough."
She stomped down on his foot, and he removed his arms from around her neck, and went to reach down for his now in pain foot. She brought her arms up as he was leaning over, and slammed her elbows into his back. He dropped his gun, and the rest of him went down with it. While he was still on all fours, she kneed him in the face, and he fell the rest of the way, lapsing into unconsciousness.
She bent down over him. "I told you didn't want to do it. Love hurts."
Everyone was in a stunned silence as Giles walked forward and retrieved the gun. He looked at it for a second, and then at Anya. "The safety was on."
Anya looked back at him. "I know."
***
Back inside the Initiative, all they were watching at the moment was static. Xander's headset had been busted. Graham had to feel sorry for him, but it was also pretty pitiful. The girl wasn't even a slayer.
"He's of no use anymore." The scientist said. "His effort failed. Didn't seem like his heart was in it, anyhow."
"We can retrieve him."
"Too risky." The man thought. "On the other hand, he has had prolonged exposure to our operation."
"You want to kill him? But all he knows is that we don't know anything."
"You'd prefer letting him tell the slayers that they have the advantage over us? Are you feeling all right, sir? Your …attitude seems a little off."
"Fine." Graham straightened. "It's just my belief that you don't target a fellow soldier."
"That's fine for the mainstream, but we work outside of it. Measures have to be taken to insure the survival of the project."
"It's all about funding and data with you people, isn't it? Whatever happens trying to get the right formula or technology doesn't matter, as long as it doesn't halt progress."
"I just follow orders. Sir. If you wish to not take action against Harris, there's nothing I can do. But of all the black op organizations the government is…funding, this is of the highest priority. It would upset a number of important people if this facility and its research were to be compromised."
Graham closed his eyes. This was getting worse and worse. Too many mistakes. Too many bureaucratic decisions. He'd fix things soon enough. "I'll lead a team myself. Tonight. We may even take the slayers too."
"Excellent decision, sir. Very wise."
***
Faith had just started walking. Buffy had no idea where she was going, but followed her anyway. They left the apartment, and cut through Restfield and Shady Hill before she realized where they were headed.
"Faith, wait." The other girl stopped. "We're not going to do something suicidal, are we?"
"What? Like rush into the cave lair of our foes and do the superhero thing? That was the plan. And it doesn't have to be us. I just gotta get some of this unhealthy aggression and emotional distress outta me. Gotta love psychologists."
"You're gonna get some blood outta you too. I have to come. It's an unwritten rule. We might as well die together."
"How romantic." Faith said sarcastically.
"Look, I know what mom said wasn't the answer you were hoping for, I didn't like it any more then you did, but it doesn't change how I feel about you."
Faith started walking again. She couldn't look Buffy in the face, but she kept talking. "Her thumbs up woulda sealed it for us."
"I'm not gonna stop just cause she's got a problem with us. Maybe she'll come around. All Summers' women have a stubborn streak at first. Just takes time for anything to get through it."
"I've seen the stubborn streak twice. With you it usually gets my juices flowin'," Faith grinned to herself, still walking, "but with your mom, it doesn't make me feel all that great."
"Would you be upset if I said a part of me was happy about that?"
Faith turned around, halting once more. "Get out of the gutter, B."
"You gonna make me?"
She couldn't step down from a challenge. She stepped up to Buffy. "I know what you're tryin' to do."
Buffy wrapped her arm around Faith's waist. "Do you?"
"Uh huh. You're trying to keep me from the cave."
"Is it working?" Faith nodded. "Good."
Buffy kissed her, and every thought left Faith's head. This was a 'I still love you' kiss, and she got the message loud and clear. After a few moments, Buffy stopped, and her eyes widened.
"What?"
Buffy pointed over Faith's shoulder, and Faith turned around to see Riley standing in front of her. She couldn't tell, but she thought there was a hurt _expression_ on his face. It didn't matter. She wanted to pummel some bad guys, and one of them came to her. She wouldn't waste the opportunity. She assumed a fighting stance.
"Hang on a sec." Buffy said quietly. "Riley?"
He was quiet for what seemed like an eternity. "Buffy. There's things you need to know."
Both slayers were shocked. Buffy even more so. The air felt like it had been sucked out of her lungs. He was…him again, she knew it. At least in personality. She didn't know how, but he was, and she wished she would pass out before she had to deal with the situation.
***
In Giles' house, they were waiting for Xander to come to. The boy was sprawled on the couch, a few nice bruises forming on his face. Anya was crouched by his side, holding an icepack to his head. She didn't regret what she did; he needed to have something knocked into him. Hopefully it was sense, but who knew? Still, she loved him. Though she'd have to work on different methods of showing it.
"Well, I think we can assume that his heart was in the right place." Giles said.
"Can we also assume that his brain didn't go with his heart to this 'right place'?" Anya asked.
"Yes that's probably fairly accurate." Wesley said with a small smile. It was always nice to know that there was someone more bumbling than he was. Though, unlike Xander, he was improving.
"He could have just apologized, you know. Then we could have apologized, maybe had a nice risk-free conversation that didn't involve trying to play secret agent soldier guy with the bad side…" Willow trailed off.
"I think it's more than that." Tara said slowly. "I think…well, I'm guessing…that he wants to feel useful. You know, like a part of the group?"
"Why would he want to do that?" Anya asked like it was the silliest thing she had ever heard. "Oh, right. Friendship or whatever."
"I guess we all have a tendency to leave him out, but that's simply for -" Giles started.
"His safety. We don't want him getting hurt." Willow said.
"But to him, everyone in this group has a pivotal role except for him. Having had a similar experience, I can identify." Wesley continued on. He didn't hold it against them. He had no idea what he had been getting himself into then. "But I was an outsider coming into an already functioning unit. Xander's been part of this from the start. As you gained abilities, Willow, you were no longer an occasional helper from afar.
"You were in the thick of it, becoming an actual fighter. He has been left behind, and I'd imagine he feels very much alone."
Willow's face sunk. Was that what he thought? Was she responsible? Well, of course she was. Why didn't she it? Why wasn't she paying attention? Why…
"There's no way you could have known. He didn't say anything. There was no way." Tara said, putting her hand on Willow's shoulder, trying to be comforting.
"But you did. How did you know and I didn't?"
Tara looked around quickly. "I…dunno. Just got a sense I guess."
"Why didn't he say anything? Why'd he keep it to himself?" Willow asked. She wanted answers.
Now it was Wesley's and Giles' turns to look around at the walls. "It's a male…tendency." Giles said.
Willow was confused, so Anya decided to clear it up. "You know how they don't want to ask for directions? Ever?" Willow nodded. "This is the same thing. It's the 'I can handle everything' approach. No matter how stupid it is."
"Well if you can't trust your girlfriend to knock you out, who can you trust?" A newly awakened, but somewhat groggy, Xander asked.
"You're awake!" Anya squealed happily, immediately kissing him. She then stopped, and slapped his face. "Don't ever do that again."
Before anyone could get a word in, the door opened, and Buffy and Faith came in. Followed by Riley, who had to crouch a little to get in the doorway. Faith sat on the steps, and everyone tensed.
"Okay. Let me explain." Buffy said.
***
Several hours later, the tension had dulled to a low ache. Explanations were given and Riley shared all the information he had. They didn't have time to dwell, because with almost everyone together finally, they leapt into the planning stage. All personal feelings aside, on Riley, Xander, on everything; when the group decided to devise a course of attack, they stayed focused on it.
From her position, Willow saw Faith still sitting on the steps. And as Riley talked to Xander, she saw him sneak glances at Buffy, who was kind of just staring at nothing. Seeing him again, back for real, had to be hard on her friend, Willow mused. Like Buffy didn’t know exactly what to do. Looking again at Faith, the other slayer seemed to have the same faraway _expression_.
Willow nudged Buffy's arm. "Maybe you better…"
Buffy looked, and saw Faith. She went over to the steps, knowing Riley was watching.
"So what's this about them coming after me?" Xander asked him, making him turn his head back around.
"You failed, they'll most likely want to -"
"I get it." Xander shook his head. Why did he get himself involved? Why? At least he was back with his friends. If he failed anybody, though, he failed them. Now they were going to have to save him from another mistake. Why did he even bother?
"What do we do about the virus?" Tara asked.
"There's less risk to any of you if I take it." Riley said. "Adam expects me back at nightfall. Which is almost…now. I can get close. Probably keep the Initiative busy too. While you all handle the demons."
"We should see what spells we can do." Willow said quickly, handing the disk to Riley. If he got that in his system, he would no longer be invulnerable. He would be able to be killed. He'd remember that. Willow and Tara went off into their own corner.
"How about you?" Anya asked.
Riley really didn't have an answer right then. Did he really want to live as a machine? He looked over at Giles and Wesley who were gathering weapons. And he looked at Buffy again. He couldn't have expected things to stay the same.
***
"Whatcha doin?" Buffy asked, sitting a step lower than Faith.
"Thinking how I wished I had gotten some more training in. And…how today really isn't my day."
"Hasn't been mine, either."
"He's back. Shouldn't you be all cheery?"
"I can't even look at him."
"But you've been playing him taking a bullet over and over in your head. I'm starting to get a headache."
"Have I? Sorry. I just…God." She looked at Faith closely. "We're not getting back together or anything. I mean he's not even…"
"I didn't think you were."
"Yes you did, and you have nothing to worry about. Promise. And just in case you didn't hear me the other couple hundred times, I love you."
"Never get tired of that." Faith smiled. "But he is back. Are you ever gonna talk to him? You had to notice him lookin' at ya. The guy's crushed, and I don't think I'm the girl he wants to ease his pain."
"I know. I -"
Buffy found herself stopping when a clawed hand ripped through the front door and a leg followed, reducing it to a pile on the floor. An angry, red-skinned demon ran in, and they got off the steps into fighting stances. There were other growls coming from outside. The thing wasn't alone. It ran in, and everyone backed up on reflex.
Behind it, Spike strolling in. "Knock, knock."