Call off the dogs. *grin* I was just teasing you all. This is really it this time. :-)
EPILOGUE (OR - IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO PLAN)
I know where I am. I can smell the alcohol. Fuck. I quietly shut the door. The TV's on, and 'GAME OVER' is flashing on the screen. Pong. Gotta love it. I don't hear anybody, but that doesn't mean shit. They always had a knack for being there when I least expected it, and I really don't wanna be here.
I walk into the little rat infested hole we called a kitchen. She's
there. With a knife in her hands. Oh, that was fun. But she doesn't turn
to me like I expect her to. She was the only one who could make me scared.
The only one. Well, dad wasn't exactly a saint, but mom was more creative.
She's yelling. Why is she yelling? I'm behind her. Who else could
she be yelling at? She's bringing down the knife. I can almost hear the
slice. Then the scream. Shit. It's not…is it? Mom turns, and then I see
her. Buffy.
"We're showing her lots of love. Just like we did for you." Mom
says.
"Get the fuck away from her!" I scream, but I can't move.
"You always were a little firecracker. And it always got you into
trouble."
"Faith! Get out!" Buffy yells to me.
Doesn't she know I can't? I ain't leaving her here. Someone's turning
me around. Shit, it hurts. Daddy's got my wrists. He's smiling at me. I
can see the light reflect off his dog tag,
"Everything five by five, princess?"
"Yes, daddy. Everything's… five by five." I hate him. I feel so
goddamn weak.
"Don't worry about your friend. She's in good hands."
He's staring at her. Fucking bastard's licking his lips. He's…changing.
Spike.
"Come on, pet. Your mum's not done having her fun."
He's dragging me away. I'm struggling, and kicking, and screaming,
but he's too strong. He opens the front door, and tosses me out.
The last thing I hear is more screams.
***
I open my eyes and realize I'm still in the hospital. Still by her bed. She's still there, monitors beeping. And they better keep beeping, goddamn it.
Fucking dreams. As soon as we got her in here, I thought about splitting. It was so intense. B's the hardheaded one. She's not supposed to be in here. Getting comas is my deal. Anyway, I changed my mind about leaving when I first started having the dreams. I don't know if it's because of the bond, or my own screwed up nightmares but there was no way I was gonna let her deal with my past by herself.
Yeah, and I've done a fantastic job. It's been four, long as hell, fucking, months. Well, that's not true. There's exactly one week and two hours. Then we reach the four-month marker. It's not like I'm keeping track or anything. Oh who the hell am I kidding? She's been the only thing on my mind. I made them give me a cot.
What are visiting hours again?
Everyone else has been in and out, but I haven't moved. Don't intend
to, either. Angel and Wes left after about two weeks. The big guy was taking
it hard. We both…kinda got each other. Understanding and all. He was feeling
pain on a whole different level, though, cause the last time she was in
a hospital, he had put her there. So he went back to LA.
Told me he'd round up all his contacts and find out where Spike disappeared
to. The first couple weeks, all the vamps I saw were him. And I pounded
the shit out of every single one. They all musta got word around about
how pissed I was, cause Sunnydale's been victim free since. Good. Cause
the only slaying I wanna do is him.
Calm down, Faith. Positive energy.
Joyce? Well, let's just say that there's nothing like a tragedy to
bring people together. Think she finally gets how much I really love her
daughter. I think I'm finally starting to get it too. She comes in here
every day and drags me down to the hospital caf to eat something. We talk.
Sometimes she pries stuff outta me. My childhood and stuff. But she doesn't
push, and that's cool.
Summers' women have a way of getting to me, in case you hadn't figured
it out yet.
Sometimes Red and Tara are with her too. Cute as always, but I'd never
admit it out loud. Think they did a lot of talking after it was all over.
Don't know about what exactly, but they seem closer. If that's possible.
And Xander is all straightened out. He better be. He comes in to see
her when he thinks I'm asleep. He talks to her sometimes, apologizing.
Other times he just stands there, telling his stupid jokes. There was a
talk, clearing of the air, and now they all fuss over me. Ask me how much
sleep I get, and all the other stuff I really could care less about right
now. Still appreciate that they're looking out for me, though.
What time is it, anyway? Quarter to twelve. Joyce'll be here soon.
Ya know, I hope B isn't trying to beat my eight-month record. I just
want her up. I wanna…do everything with her. But nothing I do is gonna
bring her out of this. After all this, if I have to go through another
four months -
"Faith?"
What the hell? It's a nurse. "Yeah?"
She points to the phone by the bed. "It's been ringing."
Shit, I didn't even hear it. I pick it up, and look at the nurse. She
takes the hint and goes away. "Yeah?"
It's Angel. "He's here."
I don't believe it. "In the city?"
"Word is, he was just passing through, but he was speeding so fast,
that he wrecked his car and caused a pile up. He fled the scene and has
been hiding out."
"What the hell took so long?"
"I just got my hands on the police report a few days ago. And apparently
the local vampires have been complaining about a new guy moving in on their
territory. Guess he got hungry."
Spike's mine. "I'll be there in a couple hours." I go to hang up.
"How is she?"
"Stable. Is it ever any different?" I'm snapping at him, and I don't
really mean to. "Shit, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. We'll be waiting."
I hang up, and lean over her. "It's finally payday, B. I'll get him.
I swear. Feel free to come to while I'm gone, okay?" I mean that. And I
kiss her to give her just a little more incentive to open those eyes.
Standing up, I feel like my entire body is suddenly remembering how
to work. Going toward the door, Joyce ends up on the other side.
"What's going on? Is -?" She asks. Well she usually has to drag me
out of the chair.
"She's the same." Her eyes are relieved and disappointed at the same
time. Hopefully killing Billy'll cheer us both up. "You up for a drive,
Mrs. S?"
***
Joyce is driving, and just feeling the sun on me, is giving me an extra
lift. Energy. I may not be able to bring B out of it, but I sure as hell
can get her revenge. Being outside for more than two seconds is making
me realize just how much time has passed for her. He took away so much
time from her.
Yeah, she stabbed me and I lost eight. So fucking what? What great
contribution would I have made to the world? If she hadn't knocked me out,
I'd probably be dead or roaming the streets. I wouldn't be where I am now,
I'm sure of that. Hey, how about that? A coma that gave me a life. Ironic.
Or something like that. But B, she's got school, friends, me, going nuts
out here waiting, so her "Wait, stop and think" philosophy really doesn't
apply.
I keep trying to figure out when I became so…connected to her. I mean,
she stops me from letting myself get run over. Then we go to her helping
me try to find out who I am, and I still don't have a fucking clue, to
making out on her couch.
It just gets all muddled from there. I got sidetracked from the original
plan. That always happens with me. But this time instead of going from
something good to fucking it up, I go from fucking it up to something so
good I don't even have the words for.
A part of me is afraid to lose her because I think all this so called
"progress" I made is thanks to her. What if I go back? I don't wanna do
that, but I don't want to be dependent on her, either. I always thought
that's what a relationship led to. Somebody has to give up a part of who
they are. But I don't know who I am. So what do we have? What am I giving
up?
"Faith, what's wrong?" Joyce asks me. That "mother's intuition" is
finely tuned.
Better just get to the root of it. "Do you know who you are?"
Much to my surprise, after a couple seconds, she shakes her head. "No."
"No? How can you not? You're in your forties."
"Thanks for reminding me." She has a half-smile on her face.
"That's not what I…you've had a kid, life experience…how can you not
know who you are by now?"
"No one knows, Faith. And if anybody tells you otherwise, they're lying.
Every time I think I've finally got a grip on who I am, something always
surprises me."
"What do you mean?"
"Four months ago, I never thought I'd be the type of person to hold
a knife above a demon's heart, and then stab it. Never thought I'd have
the courage. I couldn't even visualize it. But I did it, and it made me
wonder what else is still hidden. What part of myself haven't I found yet?"
Wow. "That was deep."
"You think?"
This is what I wanted. She just amazes the hell outta me. But…I have
to know something. "When…Buffy wakes up…where will we stand?"
"I'm glad you said that, because you've been strong for both of us
ever since…since Buffy…and you didn't have to be. But you are, and it's
nice to have somebody to talk too. You and Mr. Giles both.
"I know the past has been a little rocky, but the past is the past, and I…while I can't say that I can completely understand your life, what you've been through, or why you've done some of things you've done, you've proven to me that you're not the same person you were. You saved my life.
"You love her, I can see that. I'm just sorry it took Buffy getting hospitalized for me to realize all this."
This day was just getting better and better. "So who am I to you?"
"Honestly? I always knew that underneath all your layers, even when you were trying to hide, that there was a good girl in there." She looks embarrassed. "Was that too mom-ish?"
Is she kidding? "No, no it wasn't."
***
The look on Queen C's face was priceless. It was the, "Okay, I was on
vacation while my friends and boss fought for their lives and I have no
idea what's going on" look. And that all happened months ago. Cordelia
did always seem slow on the uptake about certain things. But mostly, she
was scared shitless. Of lil' ol' me. Can you believe that? I was very amused.
Now it's more of an annoyed, "Guess I gotta put up with this" look.
She's keeping Joyce company, which is good. Basically, what it comes down
to is this: Spike's living in the sewer. Can't believe he sunk that low.
Though I guess most of the rundown abandoned buildings are already taken
by crack dealers and homeless people. I'd probably take the sewer too.
I never did drugs. If I had, I'd be pretty fucked up right now. Slayer
side of me may be able to fight it off, but I never took that chance. It's
the one thing I wouldn't do. STDs, fine. Drugs, no way. See? Faith has
standards too. My parents were on the stuff. That's why I don't touch it.
Dad brought it back from whatever war he fought in. Mom shot up regularly
while daddy was doing time. She thought I was too young to know what she
was doing. Yeah, I was, but I did know I never wanted to do it.
Why memory lane all of the sudden? Cause B's not here to stop me. You
think I like thinking about this stuff?
"You ready?" Angel's asking me now.
I pull Mr. Pointy…Jesus Christ, a stake with a name. Where was…right.
I pull Mr. Pointy out of my jacket. "Do you need to ask?"
Joyce stops talking to Cordelia, and looks at me. I know that look.
"I don't want to fight…" Huh? "But I do want to watch."
How can I deny her that pleasure? When I turn to look back at Angel,
he's not there anymore. That's creepy even to me. He comes back in carrying
something, and then we're gone.
***
He's quick; I'll give him that. He's sprinting down the tunnel, and
he's got damn good reason to run. I tell Joyce to stay put. We'll drag
him back to her. And enjoy every second. It's so close. I don't know, but
I got it set in my head that if we dust him, she'll wake up. Eye for an
eye, coma for a death.
He finally hits a dead end, and turns around.
"Maybe she's flatlining right now." He says.
Motherfucker. Where does he get the balls? I rush him and beat on him
and beat on him. Oh shit. This is what he wants. He's trying to get to
me. I might screw up; he might get the upper hand…I back off, and pull
him up. Angel gets in back of him, and we start walking back to Joyce.
"Where we headed?" He asks.
"I promised someone they'd get to see you die."
"It's only fair you know. She always got the better of me. For two
years. I wanted revenge."
"So do I." I reply, hoping he hears just how much I want it.
"Then you understand."
"Yeah, I understand. I understand that you're of fucking pathetic excuse
for a vamp whose glory days are long gone, so you had to get a cheap shot
to win."
"I'm a demon, pet. There's no right and wrong. At least I know that."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"With the exception of daddy over here, I'm all demon. No humanity.
Feed, kill, and enjoy it. I have clarity about who I am that humans will
never have. Especially you. She's a slayer; I'm a vampire. We're supposed
to tangle. She lost."
He's trying to use logic on me? "Let me explain something to you. Again,
with an exception, it goes: slayer, vampire, dead vampire. Second, she
lost, but that doesn't mean you can get away with it."
"And you can? What makes you any better than me?"
Fuck. Don't lose it. "I care about what I did. It's there every day
and I know it'll never go away. And I don't want it too. It hurts like
hell, but I wanna feel it. You slaughtered hundreds, and you don't give
a shit. That's why I'm better than you."
"You wanna live with pain? You are insane."
I punch him in the back of the head. "I sure as hell don't wanna forget
it. When Buffy's around, it just reminds me of what I don't ever wanna
be again."
"And who are you now?"
I press Mr. Pointy into his back. "The one who gets to kill you."
***
"Delivered as promised." I say to Joyce when we get back. Smart. She's
standing below the manhole. Sun around her.
We shove Spike against the wall, and she walks up to him.
"Hello, Joyce." He's got a little smirk on his face.
And she…BAM. Right in the face. She shakes her wrist, and is holding
her hand, but that was a damn good shot. I finally see what Angel brought.
Damn. A metal crossbow? The case has even got holders for the metal stakes.
Quality weapon. See, I promised him he could have some fun first, so I'll
just sit back and watch.
He steps back, and loads it up. Spike doesn't get it.
"What are you gonna do with that? Metal can't kill us. Or have you
forgotten in your old age?"
"Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."
And…whoa. He fires one into Spike's arm. It busts into the wall, so
Spike's stuck. Damn. And then it's rapid fire. Angel loads the next one,
and it goes into the other arm. The next one into the right leg, and the
last one in the left. I swear to God, it took less than ten seconds. Spike's
in a lot of pain.
"Bloody Hell! You bastard! Just stake me already!"
Well, if that's what he wants...no wait. Do I have -? Oh, here
we go. Matches. Never leave home without 'em. I pick one out and strike
it against the box. I walk up to him. He's shaking his head. Not gonna
work.
"Bet you're wondering what I'm gonna do with this. Well, I'll tell
ya," I say frowning, "I never really did like your hair."
I drop the match onto his hair, and watch it burn. He's cringing, squirming,
I think there was a cry of agony in there too.
"You poor bastard. Don't worry, Faith'll make all the pain stop. Do
you want to die?" He's shaking his head. "No? So you want to live with
the pain?"
"Seems kind of insane to me." Angel says.
I grin. "You know what? I think he's right."
I jam the stake into his chest. His eyes widen for a second, and then
his dust is falling into the sewage. Angel comes next to me, and starts
pulling out his metal stakes. Going over to Joyce, we both take deep breaths.
He's dead, and it's over. I'm happy. I feel good. Relieved. There's
one less thing left unsettled, but I'm not really satisfied yet. It's time
to go home and wait for her to wake up.
***
Here I am again. Nothing's different. It's all the fucking same. I did
the right thing. Shouldn't I get a reward? Now I know how Graham and his
men felt after we blew up the house. They did the right thing, stopped
the bad guys. But the day after, all these military jeeps blow into town,
and take 'em all away. Guess it doesn't pay to protect your country these
days. I see military guys over by the rubble sometimes, still trying to
salvage something.
I didn't tell her what we did, cause I knew that she knew already.
I've been getting joy outta the memory for the past three hours. She must
of seen it. Wonder how far this bond thing stretches? I said I was connected
to her, and I am. I know that I've never been dependent on her, now that
I think about it. But I do expect her to be there. Like a constant. I can
do all the daily stuff without her help, but she makes me a better person.
Or she helps me see that there's this better person inside. One of
those.
Who Am I? That big question. It can't be answered. I get that. I mean,
the human race lives in gray area. Nobody's totally good or totally bad.
I'm on the side of "good" now I guess, so that means I have to keep working
to stay there. I'm always gonna be tempted, I'll probably screw up, though
hopefully they'll be less fatal screw-ups. And that's everybody. Hopefully
there'll be somebody watching my back. Think she got the hint? I'm just
gonna live, and hopefully when it's all over, I'll be near the top instead
of the bottom.
So who am I? I'm just me. I control who I am in the future, and no
one else. I think I'm ready to take on that responsibility.
***
I know where I am. I can smell the alcohol. Fuck. I quietly shut the door. The TV's on, and 'GAME OVER' is flashing on the screen. Pong. Gotta love it. I don't hear anybody, but that doesn't mean shit. They always had a knack for being there when I least expected it, and I really don't wanna be here.
I walk into the little rat infested hole we called a kitchen. She's there. With a knife in her hands. Oh, that was fun. But she doesn't turn to me like I expect her to. She was the only one who could make me scared. The only one. Well, dad wasn't exactly a saint, but mom was more creative.
She's yelling. Why is she yelling? I'm behind her. Who else could she be yelling at? She's bringing down the knife. I can almost hear the slice. Then the scream. Shit. It's not…is it? Mom turns, and then I see her. Buffy.
"We're showing her lots of love. Just like we did for you." Mom says.
"Get the fuck away from her!" I scream, but I can't move.
"You always were a little firecracker. And it always got you into
trouble."
"Faith! Get out!" Buffy yells to me.
Doesn't she know I can't? I ain't leaving her here. Someone's turning
me around. Shit, it hurts. Daddy's got my wrists. He's smiling at me. I
can see the light reflect off his dog tag,
"Everything five by five, princess?"
"Yes, daddy. Everything's… five by five. For the first time in too
fucking long."
I'm surprising myself more than I am him. I kick him in the stomach,
and he lets go. Buffy sees me fighting back, and decides to join in.
She kicks the knife out of mom's hands, and mom falls to the ground. She
runs to me and we move to leave.
I stop, though. I turn around and look at them. I was scared of
them once, but now they're on the floor, shocked, powerless. I could do
anything I wanted to them right now, but they're pathetic. And they're
not gonna get one more second of my attention. Buffy grabs my hand, and
I turn back around.
She smiles at me as we leave.
***
When I wake up, I jump out of the cot, and go to her bed. That had
to mean something. It had to.
I know she's gonna wake up. She is…she is…she…shit her eyes are opening.
Thank you God, Buddha, and whoever else might be out there. Joyce is getting
coffee. She'll be back and…wow. I haven't really cried since it happened,
but the tears are flowing now. She's reaching her hand out and I grab it.
"Hey…" She croaks.
What do I say? I love you? I missed you? It's about time?
"Hey." So I can't really speak right now.
"How ya been?"
I chuckle. "Oh you know…going out of my mind. Nothing major." Her eyes
go wide. "Four months."
"That long?"
"Yep."
She's sniffing me. "When's the last time you showered?"
"I think I was out in the rain a couple weeks ago."
"Smartass."
Oh yeah. I definitely missed this. "Are you okay?"
"All things considered. I do have one question, though."
Uh oh. "What's that?"
"Who am I?" No way. There's no way she...okay, I'm panicked. How can
she? I mean…shit. "Come here."
I do, and she pulls me close to her. "Gotcha."
Huh? Oh... "Bitch." I whisper with a smile.
She looks hurt. "Does this mean I don't get a wake up kiss?"
Damn her. She knows she is.