COMING OUT OF THE DARK (OR - TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER)
Faith was lying down on the small bench, her legs hanging off the side. It wasn't the greatest position in the world, but she wasn't paying very much attention to the discomfort. For the first time in awhile, the negative stuff, the part of her that liked to hit and murder, was completely silent. It was a nice feeling.
Who would have thought she would feel peaceful in a jail cell?
She was always afraid to go to sleep though, because she knew the memories and the nightmares would bombard her. She had slept off and on since they brought her in, and she had no idea what day it was. A good number of her dreams had involved a blonde. With which she had unresolved issues. She knew Angel was right. She would have to face her demons eventually. That would come, but she just wasn't ready yet. She was enjoying the calm, and it wasn't like she didn't have a lot of time on her hands.
Angel had tried to come to see her, but that detective wouldn't allow him back. Too suspicious or something. Did they think he was going to try and help her escape? He had done enough for her. He didn't give up on her, and however indirectly, showed her the right thing to do. Even though he and Buffy had come to blows. And that just completely freaked her out. If she could cause two soulmates to just explode on each other, she knew she needed to be by herself for awhile. Deal with things.
The full repercussions of turning herself in hadn't really hit her yet. She wasn't even sure what they had her on. Well, she did confess, but it all came out so fast that she wasn't exactly sure what she had said. Then again, it really didn't matter. She was behind the bars and didn't have any reason to run. She was tired of it. All it did was get her into more trouble. Where she was now, she couldn't get into trouble anymore. Couldn't be tempted to walk down that path again.
But Buffy was…damn had she been a bitch. If it had been under different circumstances Faith would have been extremely turned on. The sheer hatred Buffy seemed to have in her eyes was intense, and Faith just couldn't match it. It was like they had switched. Buffy had become "act and don't think" girl and Faith had become the reserved one. She felt like she had deserved every word. She knew she did.
But there was one thing she still didn't know. It ran deep with them, and she needed to know.
What did she have to do to make it better?
***
"I'm surprised at you, Buff. Shocked even." Xander said.
He was driving the ice cream struck through the streets of Sunnydale, making little kids happy, and their parents' wallets just the slightest bit emptier. She was currently his riding companion.
"What do you mean?"
"Giving up on her like that. Even after she does what you want her to do. Just doesn't seem like you."
"Why are you suddenly on her side? I thought you were the president of the 'I hate Faith' fan club."
"But you're not a part of that club. Well…you weren't before. Even when she was at her evilest, you didn't stop caring about her. And then…"
"I was tired of trying to reach out to her."
"You call that reaching out?"
"She doesn't want help from me anyway. Let Angel deal with her. You know what she did to me."
Two kids were running towards the truck, and Xander pulled over so they could look at the choices. "You got off easy, you know that right?"
She looked at him disbelievingly, and whispered. "She stole my body."
"And slept with Riley. Yeah. He thought it was you."
"That doesn't matter!" She raised her voice a little. She turned to smile apologetically at the group of kids, but found them gone. "Weren’t there just -?"
"But it could have been worse. She could have almost choked him to death or held a knife to his throat. But she didn’t. Didn’t hurt anyone. Didn’t do anything. She’s trying to do the right thing, and you spat on her."
"Xander?"
"You know why you’re so upset, B?" She blinked, and Faith sat in her friend’s previous spot. "You had to be me."
***
Buffy woke up from her dream sweating. In her own, official, dorm room for once. She told Riley about Angel. Everything that had happened. It didn’t go over too well. And until he had time to cool down and find a new living space, she wasn’t going to be spending many nights with him. Which was probably for the best, because she had lost her footing recently, and was struggling to stand on even ground again.
The dreams were all different. Some were with Xander, some with Willow; some with Giles…even with her mother. But they all ended the same. With Faith being there, telling her what her problem was. It had happened ever since LA, when she had it set in her mind that her actions were completely justified.
Being in Faith’s body hadn’t been a fun experience. Instead of realizing that what she went through in it was nothing compared to Faith’s eighteen years (and trying to understand Faith’s side of the coin), all she could think about was how to get out. She desperately wanted to be back in a world she had a handle on. Faith was right. She had to have control.
Faith had been trying to show her that the real world wasn’t always
that way, that there was more to it. There were more muddled, confusing
areas, and Buffy didn’t want to hear it. Told her to shut up even after
she had finished telling Riley that not everything was as black and white
as he thought. She hated being hypocritical.
Looking back, she realized that it wasn’t one of Faith’s games. That
it was genuine.
And the one time Faith finally started to open up to her, something she had wanted for so long, the help she had offered was gone. She just gave up. But why? She risked Faith loosing it again by doing that. Something nobody wanted again. Luckily, Faith didn’t. No, Buffy did know why she pulled away. Why she didn’t listen.
She was scared. Of a lot of things. What would be said, what she would learn, and probably most of all, what it would lead to. It was so much easier thinking of Faith as enemy. So much simpler. And it was with that thought that Buffy began to feel sick.
When it came to Faith, she turned into “Mrs. Initiative.” And the dark-haired slayer wasn’t a demon. She was a human being.
***
When Faith woke up, she knew she wasn’t the only one incarcerated in the large cell-filled room anymore.
"What’re you in for?" A male voice asked. Young, by the sound of it. She really didn’t feel like talking. "Whatever. They say silence is golden, right?"
After about ten minutes, Faith heard a clanging. Then she heard it again.
And again.
"What the hell’s going on over there?"
"She speaks. Who knew?" He chuckled. "I’m walking. That bother you?"
"Walking?"
"I use metal sticks, okay? I hate being cooped up, so I’m pacing to
pass the time."
He sounded bitterer than he had a few seconds ago.
"How -?"
"Screwed up birth. God's practical joke." He spat.
"I was gonna ask how old you were." Faith said cautiously. She could feel his anger. It was creepy.
"Fifteen."
'That sounds too familiar.' Faith thought.
"Whatd'ya do?"
"Nothing. And how come you're the one asking the questions?"
"Nothing?"
"Not a thing. Unless sleeping is a crime. You know what? I really don't want to talk about this."
"I do."
"Fuck off. I'm sorry I opened my mouth in the first place."
"Too late now."
"And why should I do anything you say? You can't make me. You're just like everybody else."
"Got a point. And I'll be honest. I haven't got a clue why you should talk to me. But why not? We both got nothing to lose."
***
Well Homecoming was a bust. And more trouble then it was worth, in Buffy's opinion. Spent all night getting hunted and neither she nor Cordelia had won. Oh well, Giles was right anyway. It was pretty stupid. Of course she was probably just trying to rationalize the fact that she lost to make herself feel better.
After she and Cordelia had walked out, the ex-May Queen had gotten in her car and driven home to take a shower. Buffy had decided to hang back, but didn't really do anything except stare up at the sky. She never really paid much attention to it, but even in a town like Sunnydale, the night sky was pretty damn beautiful.
"Hoped you hadn't skipped out on me." Faith's voice said as she came out of the Bronze.
Still, there were some things on Earth, even in Sunnydale, that were just as beautiful. Had she just thought that?
Buffy turned and smiled at her. "Wow. You look good in a dress." Had she just voiced that thought out loud?
"You think? If I wear it a little longer I might just start acting lady-like." Faith grinned. "Scott may not think so though."
"You didn't." Buffy said, a grin forming on her face as well.
"Didn't what? Discuss his possible pelvic area problems thereby destroying his hope of getting any action in the near future? No way. A lady wouldn't do that."
Buffy started erupting into a fit of giggles. When she finally calmed down, Faith was just looking at her, amused. "Thanks." She was wiping the tears from her eyes. "That just made up for the disaster that was tonight."
"Sorry I wasn't there to back you up." Faith apologized, walking closer.
"No big. I survived. Thanks to Cordelia of all people."
"I knew she had a pair on her."
"She does have tough side. Usually it translates into bitchiness, but this was a welcome change."
"So what do you want to do now?"
"I think I fulfilled my slaying duties for tonight, so I'll probably just crash at home."
"I invited you, and you're gonna bail before we have any fun? Come on, B."
"Look at me."
Faith's gaze traveled up and down the disheveled blonde's dirty, torn
dress.
"Okay…what's next?"
"I'm a mess, Faith!"
"Oh. You're one of those girls. I asked you when you were dripping with sweat and smelled like a skunk." Buffy's eyes narrowed. "Do you think I care about a torn up dress?"
"You're serious, aren't you?"
Faith held out her hand. "I never asked anyone to a dance before. Well, not a formal, alcohol-free thing anyway. Rejection isn't good for my self esteem."
Buffy gave Faith her hand. "What are we doing?"
They began to dance slowly right on the street. "What you're supposed to do at this kind of thing, right?"
"Yeah…" Buffy said slowly, as she looked at the door. "But shouldn't we be doing this in there?"
"Kinda got the impression you didn't wanna go in there."
"Hmm…good point."
"Just to ease your vanity issues, you look incredibly hot in that."
Buffy shut her eyes, and felt like she was melting inside.
"Okay…just to recap…I was standing outside…you came out…and somehow we ended up here."
"Pretty much covers it."
"How did…what's happening?"
"How the hell should I know?" Faith whispered. "Having fun yet?"
"Think I'm getting there."
Faith smiled. "Let's hurry it up." She closed the final distance between their lips, and surprising herself, she simply studied Buffy's mouth with her own, and didn't try to enter. She pulled away. "Better?"
Buffy sighed and nodded into Faith's neck. The night had been quite a roller coaster ride.
"Didn't know me then, did you, B?" Faith asked, though her tone seemed harsher than before. When Buffy looked to find her dancing partner, she was no longer there. She looked at the sky, and it was tinted with red. "What happened?"
Buffy looked down at her feet, and saw the bloody knife laying mere inches away from them on the ground.
***
"Every night I always sleep in this alley behind here, and every night they bring me in, and next its back to some fake people they expect me to call a family. Happy now?" The kid explained to Faith.
"Adopted, huh?"
"Too many times. They all hate me. When they see how much they have to give up to take care of me, plus hospital bills and shit, they decide not to care anymore. I'm supposed to put up with that?"
"How are the people you're with now?"
"It'll get worse."
"So if they don't give a damn about you and you skip out every night, why do you pick an alley behind a police station to crash in?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Forget it."
"All I know is, once I turn eighteen, I'll finally be free."
"That's a good deal, freedom."
"It's my turn."
"You don't wanna know about me."
"I didn't have to tell you jack. But I did. Play fair. How old are you?"
"Almost nineteen."
"Here because…?"
"I did some bad things."
"Really…" He said slowly.
"Hurt some people."
"Uh huh…and when you say hurt you mean…"
"Think now’s a good time to stop." Faith said quickly.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Hurt people. Why’d you hurt people?"
"Wasn’t plannin’ on it. I loved somebody, a friend. My only friend. Something happened, and then it just became a string of screw-ups. Ended up here."
"And if it had worked out the way you wanted?"
"I wouldn’t be here. Think it woulda saved me."
"What?"
"Love." She let her own words sink in. "Who knew?"
He was quiet for awhile. "So, you’re here for good now?"
"I don’t know. But at least here things are a lot less complicated."
Just then, a guard came in followed by two people who appeared to be very distraught. A man and a woman. Faith watched as the guard unlocked the kid’s cell and he emerged slowly. The woman bent down in front of him.
"Why do you keep doing this, Sam?" She asked him.
"I…don’t know…"
"We worry so muc –"
"Do you know what time it is?" The man asked.
"Peter…" The woman said softly.
She figured they were the adopters. Dad’s face softened.
"We love you, Sport, and sooner or later you’re going to get yourself hurt. We don’t want that."
Sam looked back at Faith, and so did his parents. She looked away. Mom whispered, but Faith could still hear.
"I don’t know what else we can do to show you…" She took a deep breath. "We know what your parents did, how they all...but we won’t. We do love you."
"Do you believe us? Son?" The dad asked.
"I…think so. I want to so bad." He smiled at them as his mother hugged him, and looked to his dad. "Can we go home?"
"Yeah. Thank you again, officer."
Faith stared after the family as they walked out, a smile on her face. She saw the guard about to lock up. "Hey! Can I make a phone call?"
***
Could she handle that darker side of herself? That jealous, confused person who didn’t always have a grip on things?
That was what Buffy asked herself after she had woken up from her second dream of the night. It had been a long time since Homecoming, but she remembered that night vividly. It was all feelings. What was happening between them and what it could mean wasn't important as how it made her feel. Really good. Her life seemed to be one personal disaster after another. Her friends were getting used to her presence again, Scott dumped her, Angel had unexpectedly returned, and there had been Faith. Not knowing anything about her, a clean slate, and…it was wonderful.
After that, it was the beginning of the end for them. Which she had been responsible for. She had set it in motion, and Faith's darkness emerged. Something Buffy didn't know how to deal with. How to break through. She had offered the Bostonian her friendship, offered to help, but she had no idea how to do that. Considering what they had shared, friendship probably wouldn't have been good enough.
She couldn't figure out what Faith was the real one. The one who had worn the dress and danced with her outside the Bronze, or the one she became afterwards. She avoided her, and she knew that. She had been afraid of making things worse, but by not going to Faith, talking with her, she had made it was worse anyway. To the point where both their options had been taken away, and there was only one way to go.
Could she follow Faith into the darkness and help her out of it? Would she get lost too? She had already started going into the darkness in LA to play on Faith's level, but when she had seen the other slayer open and vulnerable, it had shocked her. It was unexpected, and she didn't know how to respond to it. It had been so long since Buffy had ever seen a glimmer of Faith's other side. So she went with the default reaction she had been used to longer. And anyway, Angel was the one who had been there for her, who had been able to walk the line and help, not her.
She wanted to, but it all came back to one thing. Could she?
The phone began to ring. At three in the morning? She hurried to get it before Willow woke up.
"Yeah?"
There was silence on the other end for a few moments. "B?"
"Faith?"
"Can you come down here?"
"Why should I?" 'Damn it! Stop the attitude!'
"I only get one phone call. Don't make it be for nothing. Please."
***
Faith paced in her cell as the guard came back towards her. He moved over, and she saw Buffy standing there. The man held his keys in his hand, and looked from her back to Buffy. He seemed apprehensive.
"It's okay." Buffy said to him.
Reluctantly, he unlocked the cell, and Buffy walked inside. He closed and locked it again. "I'll be -"
"Okay."
He left, leaving the two slayers alone.
"You came." Faith stated.
"Yep."
They stared at each other.
"How long has it been?"
"About a week and a half."
"Oh." Faith, without warning, walked forward and kissed Buffy. Buffy's eyes went wide, and before she could react, it was over. "Better?"
Buffy forcefully pushed her down to the bench, and turned toward the bars. "You can't do that!"
"I can't?"
"It's too...confusing."
"Who's running now?"
"Nobody." Buffy said, taking a deep breath and turning back around.
"I tried talking. Didn't work. Tried turning myself in. Didn't work. Figured I'd show you. That didn't work either. What do you want from me?"
"Huh? Show me…?"
"This isn't going to work if you aren't coherent, B."
"I need to sit."
"That's the one thing you can do in here."
***
"You can't see her, Angel." Kate said, sitting at her desk looking at a folder. She looked up. "Impressed?"
"Actually…yeah."
"Before you ask, we've gone through this for the past week. She's a murderer and you gave her room and board. You should just be glad I had the charges dropped. I can't let you see her."
"She did the right thing, didn't she?"
"After she did several very wrong things. I don't know how much you know about the law, Angel, but generally crimes have to be paid for."
"I'm not arguing with you on that. I just think you should be careful with her. She's at a very crucial point in her life, and confessing was the first step. If you're not, she may decide it's better to close off again."
"Are you recommending that she be committed?"
"No. But I know you're thinking about putting her in the maximum security prison downtown. If you do that, she could get the wrong influences. I know her. Believe me when I tell you it would be a bad idea."
"She's still in our jail. She's fine. I'll take your opinion under advisement."
"Thank you." He turned away. "Listen, Kate -"
"I don't want to do this now."
"I just think you should know that she's here of her own free will. She could escape at any time."
"Another good reason for me to keep a personal eye on her then, huh?"
"Just a suggestion."
"Oh. I do have a good reason for not letting you see her this time. She's already got a visitor."
***
"Where do you want me to start, B?" Faith asked, after a few minutes of sitting silently. "I would try an apology, but I believe I was being threatened with a beating to the death if I tried that."
"I wasn't really gonna…I don't know what I was gonna do. Why now, Faith? Huh? Why the change of heart?"
"Disappoints me that you don't know the answer to that. You. You got me so confused I started going insane, then you got me so confused again, that you started pulling me back. All without realizing it. How'd you manage that?"
"When it comes to you, I don't understand how or why I do half the things I do. But you closed off to me. How was I supposed to help if you didn't tell me how?"
"You knew how. Don't try to lay this all off on me. I gave you a window. Bronze ringin any bells? Torn dress?"
"Yeah." Buffy said softly.
"I had never done anything that little with somebody and have it mean so much. I don't know why I did it. Guess I figured that since you helped me get rid of Kakistos, a guy I'd been running from for a long, long time, and the slayer thing, that you were somebody I could be 'tell all' with. I made the first move, made it clear as I could to show you what I wanted, and you didn't do a damn thing."
"I didn't know what to do."
"No, how could you? You were hiding Angel. I assumed he was out of the picture. When you've got two people competing for ya, you always go to the ex, right?"
"He -"
"And it really stung to hear that not only was he back, but that you were kissing him like you needed it for air. You could've told me. I woulda dealt that way. But I guess we weren't as close as I thought we were getting. You wanna know why I tried to kill him? Cause he ruined my chance with you. And that's when it started."
"When what started?"
"My mind's trip, B. To where nothing made sense."
"Now it's all my fault? If I remember correctly, I went to you afterwards to talk, and you pushed me away."
"You had just bruised my face."
"That went both ways."
"How come I get the feeling we're not getting anywhere?"
"What do you want to do? Lay blame? We both screwed up, and I wasn't there for you when I should have been. Is that what you want to hear?"
"I wanna know why you didn't help. Was it too hard? Did you not care? Words are one thing, B. Doing something is a whole different ballgame."
"I was scared."
***
"Who?" Angel asked, already knowing the answer.
"That 'nobody' blonde girl. I shouldn't have let her in; it's four in the morning. Visitors aren't allowed."
"Then why did you?"
"She didn't seem like someone who would take 'no' for an answer. And I'm too tired to process someone else."
"What do you think she'd do?"
"I'd probably get her for assaulting a police officer. I'm guessing after I regained consciousness."
"You made the right decision. They need work through a lot."
"Yeah, well…" She found herself trying to find him, as he had decided to vanish at that moment. "Damn him."
***
"He was back and he needed help. I was still…I sent him to Hell and I felt like I owed it to him to help him get better."
"That involved lips?"
"It just happened. Feelings don't just disappear, Faith. Especially with how things ended between us. And I didn't tell my friends either. I wasn't singling you out."
"That makes sense. After what he put 'em through, but I didn't know a thing. I wouldn't have judged you. I would've backed you up. But after what we did -"
"I didn't plan the way things worked out. I didn't feel in control -"
"Ha! I knew it!" Faith jumped off the bench and pointed her finger at Buffy.
"You got me, okay? You entered my life, we kissed, and I lost control. You do that to me. I knew that if I let myself, I'd...probably get drawn to you more than I already was…but I couldn't let myself do that. I'd never met anyone like you before, and things were too complicated, and I needed to back away and take a breather."
"Till Christmas?"
"We gonna go down the list?"
Faith now decided pacing was a good idea. "Why not? Let's get it all out. It looked like we were gonna fix things, I got the courage and showed up at your door, and you ran to him again."
"He was going to commit -"
"Suicide, yeah. I had no problem with that, you were going to help him. But you promised to tell me the deal, and you never did. Once again, Faith is left out of the loop, while everyone else is in on it."
"Another one of Buffy's mistakes. I wanted to, but I didn't know how you would…" Faith stared at her. "It's lame, I know that. What do you say we go on to yours? Are you ready for that?"
"We both had a hand in his death. And it was an accident."
"You should have gone to Giles with me."
"You should have made me. I was hanging on by a thread, B, and I snapped. I didn't know what to do, and you should have forced me. I needed you to be there for me. I just killed a guy, and instead of helping me deal with it, you tried to point it out to me. I knew I killed him. That wasn't the issue."
"Are you trying to make me feel bad? That whole night, everything we did, it was all things that I had never done before. Legal and illegal. The thing was, I didn't care. You showed me another side of life that I had been afraid of, and it turned out to be really fun. Until Allan. Then I knew I crossed the line. It was scary. So I automatically went into moral mode."
"You didn't think it was scary for me too? I hadn't ever killed a guy before him. You weren't the only one."
"You told me you didn't care he was dead."
"I was confused. All these things were coming at me. You should've -"
"What, Faith? I'm not this 'Saint Know It All' you think I am! I'm sorry I couldn't see that your whole very convincing craziness was a cry for help. But Angel obviously can. So why don't you get him to talk to you?"
Faith grabbed Buffy's arm. "I did that. Yeah, he knows all about darkness, but he doesn't know how to get out of it. You're the only person I know that does. You know about the light."
"And what is this past rehashing going to do? Huh? Cause I don't see much light there."
"I just wanna make you see that when I went after Angel, Graduation, Riley…it wasn't to hurt you. It was to try and…damn it." Faith sighed. "It was to try and get you to love me."
"That's nuts."
"Well, yeah. I was experiencing insanity. I wanted them out of the way. I wanted you to hate Angel again so you'd leave him. I was trying to see what was so special about Riley…and that's when I began coming back."
"Sleeping with Riley made you sane again?"
"It made me start realizing things. Mainly what I never did. When he said he loved me…you…I finally knew how big I had screwed up. I had to stop. I couldn't ruin your life. You had a rep, and when I went to the church, I knew I had a lot to live up to."
"Wait. What did you never do?"
"How could I expect you to want to have anything to do with me, if I never said I loved you? I kissed you, but you probably thought, 'This is Faith. I gotta stop this now cause all she does is screw people and leave 'em.' There was no reason for you to believe me.
"It wasn't all your fault. Maybe if I said those three words, the slightest thing would have changed -"
"Stop." Faith did. "You wanna know how to make it better? We both need to apologize first."
"I am sorry. I know that doesn't mean much…I went after your friends…took your body…almost killed your mom…you…"
"I appreciate that. But…I don't know if I can forgive…not right now…this is a lot."
"Don't expect you to. Just know I am."
"And I'm sorry too. We could've…not let it have gone this far…"
"It's okay."
"No, it's not. Just cause I was a little wigged by how different you were…that's no excuse for me not being by your side. I wanted to…"
"Don't rush this. We got plenty of time. What else'll make it better?"
Buffy smiled. "Say it now."
"You sure?"
"Say it."
Faith closed her eyes. "B…I…love you."
"You know what? So do I."
"You love yourself?"
"Funny." Buffy smirked. "I do though. That's what made it so hard. And we both had really screwy ways of showing it." She put her hand on Faith's cheek, and leaned in and kissed her lightly. "Now what?"
"I feel better. You?"
"Yeah."
"I like this talking thing."
"Is it helping?"
"Come back tomorrow?"
"K."
"Things may get heavy…maybe not so pleasant…darkness and all…"
Buffy squeezed her hand. "I'll…we'll handle it. It's time we did."
***
Angel walked away from the station, having a feeling that Faith might
pull through after all. In fact, there was no doubt in his mind that she
would.