TRAINING WITH THE HEART AND THE MIND
" *What would you do if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
I will try not to sing out of key*
" *I get by with a little help from my friends
I just keep trying with a little help from my friends
I want to get high with my friends
I just hold on with my friends* "
Dawn's going to turn off the song. Nuh uh. Don't think so.
"Back away or else." I tell her.
"Or else what?" Witty retort, isn't it?
"Or else your favorite Power Puff Girls shirt is gonna experience an early death inside the washer machine." I feel so triumphant. Sad.
"You don't even know where it is."
"Oh darn, that's right. Or...wait...slayer powers of deduction in use...it wouldn't be in that little cubbyhole behind the shoeboxes at the top of your closet, would it?"
Her eyes are widening. Go me.
"How did you -?"
Mom making me do her chores over the weekend (cause she felt feverish
- yeah, right), gave me excellent snooping opportunities. Hey, I have to
have an edge. This rivalry stuff is brutal.
"Learn how to do laundry." I say, and she slowly sits back next to
Willow.
I love being older.
Giles is driving his red, "Pimp mobile", and we're all going to the beach. It's six-thirty in the morning, and mom made me take Dawn cause she had to go to the Gallery early. The little sis wasn't happy, so I agreed immediately. Xander had to go to a job, and Anya doesn't go anywhere with us without him. Hmm...annoying ex-demon not coming. Watch me not cry over that. Tara wasn't interested (I didn't ask), and Riley is avoiding anything slayer-y. Including me.
That's his choice. Anyway, I'm going to train. Giles thinks getting out will be good, and the beach is supposed to be peaceful this time of day. Training is training no matter where it's done. I pointed that out even, cause I'll probably be all sandy by the time we're finished. But I won't argue, even though he'll be pissed when the beach comes back with us and gets into his leather seats. I'll be right there to tell him, "I told you so."
And how could Dawn want to change the song? It's great. Makes me think of the "Wonder Years." Seeing as it was the title song and all.
"Wasn't the Wonder Years awesome?" Willow asks me. "I had the biggest crush on Fred Savage."
See? Willow gets it. Dawn's just out of touch. People in my generation...oh God. Did that just sound like I thought it sounded?
"Who's Fred Savage?" Dawn wonders.
Maybe I was premature with the "I love being older" statement.
***
"K. Now what?" Dawn asks Buffy. "We better do something. I'm already bored, and boredom leads to Mona. Betcha didn't know that."
"That's Mono, dweebis. And no it doesn't." Buffy tells her.
"How do you know?"
"Cause I'm in college. You don't even go to high school."
"I would, but they kept us in eighth because of you!"
"How's that my fault?"
"Hello! You blew up the only high school!"
"Yeah, well...Will, please take her away."
I step up to Dawn trying to hide my smirk.
"Hey, why don't we try to find some seashells? They could have hermit crabs in them. That'd be cool, huh?"
"It was like...um...three years ago."
Somebody's snippy. Frown.
"Please, Dawny? For me?"
She's crumbling. I feel so manipulative, but Buffy has work to do. And now she's giving Buffy her best glare.
"Just for *you*, Willow."
"Thanks."
I take Dawn's hand, and Buffy and I smile at one another, as we walk away from her and Giles. After we walk down the beach a little, I can feel the sand getting in between my toes. All the shoes are in the car. But it's a neat feeling having sandy toes. It's kind of uncomfortable, but it's kind of not. And your feet can sink, so it's always a surprise every time you take a step. I make my own fun.
Dawn's moving onto the wet sand now. That's more stable, and less fun, but at least the tide...Ouch.
"I found a shell." I say. At the expense of my foot. Pain isn't good. No sir.
Bending down to pick it up, I give it to Dawn.
"It's broken." She tosses it away.
Good. It was an evil shell. Evil.
"Why doesn't she understand me?"
"Who? Buffy?" She nods. "She just...she has a lot on her mind all the time."
Well, it's true.
Dawn walks along the water's edge, picking up shells, and throwing them
behind her. Where I am. I finally realize the point of playing dodge ball
in gym classes.
"I'm supposed to care that she kills guys that look like Star trek
rejects?"
"You know it's more than that, don't you?"
"I guess." She's shrugging.
"Maybe you should talk to her about it sometime. If you try to understand her, then she'll try to understand you."
"What if she doesn't?"
"I think she will. I know her. But if she doesn't, she'll have to suffer the wrath of my resolve face, okay?"
She's giggling. "Okay."
We finally find a good shell. One of those big ones that you can hear the ocean in. Tara loves listening to the ocean. She told me that once. She'll just face the water and stand there with her eyes closed. I watch her, and it seems like she's hearing something I don't. I love the ocean, but I don't *love* the ocean, maybe that's why. If it wasn't for that toy boat incident...uh...where was I?
Right. Tara. She's been distant lately. Like she wants to tell me something, but she won't. And I'm getting better and better at spell casting, and she seems surprised by that. We're living together now, but it doesn't feel like it. You know, she's never told me much of anything about herself. Where she's from, her childhood...all I really know is that her mom was a powerful witch. How come I'm just realizing this?
I mean, she's my girlfriend. (I can say that without blushing. No blush. I'm bisexual. It doesn't scare me. Wait. I'm...no...I'm just me. I'm Willow-sexual cause Vampire-Me loved me. I loved myself. Oh...eew. Now my head is all thumpy inside.) What I'm trying to say, is I've told her everything about me. I'm lucky if I get little bits and pieces about her. If we talk, it's usually about magick or about me or about the gang. Aren't we supposed to share? That's what my kindergarten teacher said. She was the nicest person. Miss Wendy. I remember one day that Xander and I were finger painting, and...and...and the "Stream of Consciousness Award" goes to...sigh. I'm easily distracted by me.
It hurts, sometimes. Doesn't she trust me? She says she feels like an outsider. I don't know why. Everyone accepted her, she contributes at meetings, helps out - she's an insider. Unless my dictionary has a misprint. And it's not like I don't attempt to ask her about stuff. She just always manages to avoid answering. Usually by complimenting me or...um...kissing. Not that I don't enjoy those things. Gotta love the compliments and the...cough...smoochies, but that still doesn't change the fact that there are things I want to know. Deserve to know, even. Putting my foot down.
Who am I kidding? Tara's Tara. Besides, I'm not the demanding type. That's Buffy. And she's good at it.
"You've known Buffy for awhile, huh?" Dawn asks.
I smile. "Yeah, but you knew that."
"Oh, I know, but...what's she really like? You are her best friend, so like, you should know, right?"
How do I answer this?
"Well...there's a lot to her that you don't see. She doesn't open up to very many people. Me, Giles, and Xander are pretty lucky."
"Everyone thinks she's so special."
"And she thinks we're special too. I don't really think I am, but she's told me that for five years. Just by sitting next to me." She didn't have to, but she did. "She cares about all of us. Even you. If she didn't, she wouldn't have saved you from Harmony and her," I can't stop the giggle, "gang."
We start heading back in silence.
***
"Concentrate on the sound of the waves." Giles is telling me. "Let them be the only thing you hear."
As I get into a handstand, I close my eyes, both my legs straighten and I hold them together. I'm totally vertical now. It's a bizarre feeling going inside yourself. I hear the waves, but I also hear my own heartbeat. It sounds like it does with a stethoscope, only louder. Images are coming. My life's being played before me. I only thought that happened for people who were about to die? I'm not, cause I can still hear my heart.
This is weird. My childhood is going by fast, but as I keep getting closer to now, the images last longer. I can feel something in me too. It's a pulsing joining in with my heartbeat. Mom, Giles, Xander, Willow, Angel, Spike, Druscilla, Faith, Kendra, Snyder, Jenny, the Mayor, Cordelia, Wesley, they're all showing up. I know now that this is when my life actually started. The images with Willow and me are clearer then the others. I'm noticing that.
Now I'm looking at my heart. There's a definite "eew" factor here. Everything's louder. I'm moving past my heart now, behind it, through all my blood channels and whatever. I see what the pulsing is. It's a bluish, purple light, and it's getting brighter. Blinding. The light envelops me, and I catch a glimpse of thousands of faces.
"You are the one." They all say.
I come back to reality when I sense a stake coming down at me. I reach out and grab it, do a back flip, and land on my feet, all on instinct. Don't ask me how. It's just something I can do, and I guess the point of this whole thing is to figure out why I can do these things. Duh, of course that's the point. It was your idea, Buffy. It's a good thing I don't think aloud cause I'd sound pretty damn stupid.
Giles is standing there looking at me with an impressed smile.
"Very good." He compliments.
"No sweat." I say nonchalantly. Seriously wigged, but it was no sweat.
Willow's back with Dawn. I just know.
***
She turns and sees us. Something big just happened. She looks kinda freaked. Dawn's talking again.
"I don't think she and Riley even talk. It's like, all kissing. I wanna gag. Don't they have better things to do? She talks to you forever. Why does she talk to you? Do you think if I knew stuff she'd talk to me?"
"Uh...yeah..."
I walk up to Giles and Buffy. Did I mention how cool it is that I have "Book Buffy", now? There's all these different personalities to her wrapped into one, and I finally get to see the one she refused to know she had. We can have intelligent discussions now. Oh...but...not that she wasn't intelligent before, or that I didn't like talking to her, but there's a new level. And she's stumped me. Stumped. Me. She knows her stuff and that makes me all giddy. Well, after the jealousy and envy. But it's friendly competition. It's fun, and now we can really share something.
Neat, huh?
I caught her surfing the net the other day, too. Could it be my influence? Ego inflating. What does it matter? We're together again, spending quality friend time. And I know how much I missed her company last year, now. I was with Tara a lot so I didn't notice it as much, but with the distance-y thing, I'm glad Buffy's here. Really, even though I know I've done a lot of growing, I still only have two close friends. Buffy's different than Xander. She always has been, even though he and I have been friends since forever.
It's a girl thing, I guess. Oh, but not a *girl* thing.
"What's up?" I ask her.
"You know how some people find inner peace?" I nod slowly. Buffy's explanations don't always make sense at first. Neither does mine, so that works out good. "Well I found Inner-innards instead."
I'm pretty sure I'm making my "yuck" face, cause she's matching what I imagine my "yuck face" to be.
"Tell me about it. I took a stroll down memory lane at warp speed, too. Since when are memories stored in your chest, though? Correct me if I'm wrong, but memories go in one of those brain lobes, right?"
"Sure do."
"Good." She's sighing in relief, but there's something else.
"Oh gross." Dawn says from behind us.
"What?" Buffy asks.
"Innards." She responds after a second.
"Ah, Willow...are you ready to help with the second half of Buffy's training?" Giles asks me.
"Second half? What second half?" Buffy wonders aloud.
"Yeah, I wanna go home." Dawn adds.
***
I'm looking at her in amazement. Not only is confidence practically radiating off of her, but she's also beautiful and can create flames by just saying a few words. Some combination, isn't it? Good thing she's on my side. My friend became grown up, and I feel like I missed it. I guess I have to give Tara the credit, though I know Willow did most of it by herself. Tara just encouraged.
I used to do that. Why the hell did I stop? See, this is why I'm slowing down this year. How can I keep track of Willow's life if I can't keep track of mine? Part of the reason I'm going all scholarly is cause of Willow. Making up for last year, you know? And the more I learn, the more I'm starting to see how she can enjoy it so much. It kinda goes along with learning about my slayer history. You don't really know how you got here until you know what paved the way. Something like that.
And I think going easy on the hair dye this year is helping. I was giving myself a "dumb blonde" complex.
"Okay, Buffy. Are you ready?" Willow asks me.
I'm afraid. "What are you going to -?"
"I'm gonna cast a resistance spell. It'll create a wall. But an invisible one. I'll stand behind it, and you have to get past it to get to me."
"Oh."
"We're doing this because you are stronger than me, and any resistance I could muster you would easily overcome. This should be rather challenging for you, and that's what will help you improve." Giles says.
I nod. "Let's go."
"It's up." Willow says. Piece of cake. "But one more thing -" I rush right into the "wall", and it knocks me back, hard. "Never mind."
"What was that?" I get up.
"The resistance." She's cringing.
I look at Giles for a hint. He just stares at Willow. Fine, if he's gonna be that way...backing up, I run as fast as I can, and at the last second before contact, I jump. And fly onto my back. Ouch.
"Ouch."
"Can you do that again?" Dawn's smirking. Grr.
I walk cautiously up to the "wall." Willow isn't giving anything away, either. I reach out toward her, but I hit the wall. It's pushing on my hand. It's taking all my strength just to stay even with it. I walk along it. There's no holes or breaks anywhere. What am I supposed to do?
I look back at Giles. He's giving me a "you can do it" look. I turn and see Dawn. Her eyes are wide. Uh oh. Willow. There's a slime demon coming up behind her.
"Willow! Look out!"
I don't see her reaction. I've gotta think. I have to get to her. Now. She won't die. After everything...not like this. If she dies, so will I. Too fast. No time. Oh God, there's the damn wall. She's too important. I care about her too much. My heart's beating really fast. It hurts. Can't think about that. Can't think about the wall.
It's not there. It can't be there. You hear me, wall? You're not going to stop me. My friend's in trouble, and you're not there. So I'm just going to go save her. Are we clear?
I close my eyes and just run. I wait for the impact. When it comes, I open my eyes. The impact wasn't from the wall. It was Willow. I knocked her down. Searching, I don't see the demon. I hate it when I almost lose her. It's happened too many times, and it scares the hell out of me.
The possibility of losing anyone I care about always scares me, but
Willow's different. She always has been.
I notice I'm on top of her, looking at her face. It's perfect. Warm.
Full of life. I love it. I love...whoa.
"Are you okay? Where'd it go?" I help her up.
She smiles as Giles comes over. "It never existed. Neither did the wall." He says.
Previous confusion replaced by even bigger confusion.
"Huh?" Dawn and I echo. We're in agreement. Weird.
"I just told you there was a wall, Buffy. The spell I did manifested it cause you *thought* it was there." Willow explains. "How'd you get to me?"
"I just told myself it wasn't there and I that I needed to get to you."
"That broke the spell."
Oh. "You made a hologram monster too?"
"Yep."
Wait a minute. I'm mad. No, I'm completely pissed.
"I can't believe you made me think you were in danger!"
She's frowning. "It was all Giles."
As I face him, I put my hands on my hips, and he backs up. "Explain."
"The slime demon was her idea," I look at Willow, "but that's not important. I wanted to show you that fifty percent of a slayer's effectiveness is mental. The other fifty- percent is physical. Your physical prowess is nearly completely developed, and there's not much more we can do in that area. You still have to keep in shape, but beyond that, your skills are honed.
"If you stay in the right frame of mind, there's no obstacle you can't overcome. And to get into a deeper understanding of your heritage, our next step would be to unlock your mind. Find out what dormant mental strength may be lying in wait for you to discover it. It most likely got forgotten, perhaps watered down, as the succeeding generations were born into existence. And from what you said earlier, you carry the essences of the previous slayers within you. Their memories are alive in you.
"Once we can understand the dark past surrounding them, you can confront it. Then all that would be left is getting your mind and your body to function as one unit when you're slaying. With the combined strengths of each working for you, I'd imagine that any demon to cross your path would be truly no match for you."
Stunned into silence.
"So...who wants ice cream?" Willow asked. "There's a place right on the boardwalk."
Dawn and I raise our hands.
***
Everything about her is beautiful, you know. For example, her eyes. Her hair. Her face. Her nose. Her. Backing up now, sorry.
Can you ever look into someone's eyes and be able to read them? Know what they're thinking? I never knew what Oz was thinking, I don't know what Tara's thinking, but when Buffy and I were lying there, her eyes told me everything that was going through her mind. I've always been able to do that. It's a good skill when you have to comfort your best friend and she's too upset to talk.
Dawn's right. We talk to each other more than we talk to Riley and Tara. I don't know about Buffy, but that makes me feel guilty. I didn't used to know why. It felt like we had a big secret we just couldn't tell them about. Then I thought that was crazy, cause I can't keep secrets. I would've spilled a long time ago. But when I saw her eyes, I knew we've kept a big secret. For a long time.
We love each other. Well, we always have, as friends. But somewhere along the way, it became more than friend love. And we both realized that twenty minutes ago. It's not really scary, except for the fact that I'm scared. What are we supposed to do?
"Here's your ice cream, Will." Buffy says, giving it to me and sitting next to Dawn in the booth.
Mint chocolate chip. Good start.
***
Lousy Cupid. He's supposed to wait until I'm single, doesn't he know that?
The really frustrating part is that Willow is the one. She gets the slaying, she gets me, and she gets the supernatural stuff. It's scary too. Riley knows me, but she knows me deeper than he ever could. I don't have to tell her every little thing about my childhood, because she just understands. I wish I could bang my head against the table without making a scene.
I don't think I ever would have known unless she told me Tara was her girlfriend. When you don't think something's a possibility, you block it out. Kind of like how I'm blocking out Dawn.
"Why did the British even think they could tell us what to do, anyway? Just cause they have Kings and Queens and stuff? My history teacher says the British were pretty dumb."
Poor Giles.
"We made bad judgements." He tells her.
"I'll say. And did you see 'The Patriot'? Mel Gibson taught them a lesson. Plus he was like, totally cute."
"That film is full of historical inaccuracies."
"The British still lost."
Hang on.
"How'd you get in? That was rated R." I say to her, suspicious.
"Uh...my friend got us in."
"What friend?" She shrinks. "Mom is gonna kill you."
"Please don't tell!" She hugs me. She's hugging me.
"Why shouldn't I?"
"Cause you love me? And we're like, really close?"
"No we're not."
"But we could be! Buffy, I...love you. You're the best sister in the world."
Damn her.
"Fine. Just this once."
"You're awesome! Here, I'll even pay for my ice cream." She stares at Giles. "Do you have any money?"
Willow and I cover our mouths, and we look at each other. I said it could be anyone, but really, it could only be one person. I've never been surer of anything in my life.
***
"Can we meet you and Dawn at the car, Giles?" Buffy asks him as we walk onto the boardwalk.
Oh boy. She wants to face this. Am I ready? I mean, I guess we should. Why let it fester? The only fester I like is Uncle Fester. Other festering is bad.
Giles is thinking hard about being alone with Dawn, but he says yes. They walk away, and we go sit on a bench. I like benches. They let you rest, and they let you sit, and they let you...have a place to talk.
***
What was I thinking sending Giles and Dawn away? I keep remembering the "The Wonder Years" theme that was on the radio this morning. That song really sums up everything that matters to me. My friends. I can get through anything with them. With her.
I need my Willow.
Aww, you don't have to be afraid.
I never am, if she's around. I need her. I told Riley I needed him, but not like I need Willow. And on top of needing her in my life, I love her. That's the difference.
"Nice weather we're having." I say, lamely.
"Oh yeah. Sunnydale knows how to live up to its name." We're both lame.
"Except when it rains."
"Except then."
"And when it snows."
"Snows?" She remembers. "Hey, that's right. It did that one Christmas."
"It's a strange town."
"No argument from me. You are talking to a witch."
"And you're talking to a slayer."
"Am I the only one who thinks this conversation isn't going anywhere? Then again, anywhere is everywhere, so it's going somewhere, we just don't know where anywhere is."
I lean my head against the back of the bench.
"I've got a problem, Will."
"That's not allowed." She tells me.
"Well see, here's the thing. It occurred to me, oh about fifty-eight minutes and thirty-two seconds ago, that I'm in love with my best friend. Somebody took the blindfold off me or something. But we're both seeing other people."
"That's funny, cause I have that same problem. People could get hurt."
"Is it causing pain in your occipital lobe, too?"
"Hmm mm. And my frontal lobe."
"Poor Will." I'm reaching to touch her hair. This can quickly turn into cheating.
***
Close to cheating. Warning. Close to cheating. I cheated once before. It made me feel all icky afterwards. And it was a fluke. We're going fast, aren't we? I mean, my gut is telling me this isn't a fluke. How can your gut tell you anything, though? What kind of saying is...oh, her fingers have made contact. Whimper.
"I should stop."
Stop? Huh? That's smart. Buffy's smart. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
"Head spinning." I manage to say.
She takes her hand away with a sigh.
"Why did this have to happen?" I frown. "Now. Why did this have to happen now?"
"Do you love him?"
"No." She doesn't hesitate. I'm surprised. "Do you love her?"
"I said I did."
"Then you do."
"But not like I..."
How can everything make so much sense, but be so out of control at the same time? I look in her eyes once, and...boom.
She smiles. "We shouldn't hurt them."
"No. We shouldn't."
"Will, just touching your hair gave me -"
"Butterflies?" I suggest.
"Really big ones. I kind of love you."
"I kind of love you, too."
***
Ahhh! Going nuts. It's not fair! Not fair! I hate the whole concept of time, I hate consequences, and I hate...having good morals! How can I just look at her, I've looked at her plenty of times in the last five years, and then this one time...boom? Maybe I really did open up my mind today.
"Every time I kiss Tara, I'm gonna think she's you, now." Willow says to me.
"You kiss Tara?" It would make sense, I just never thought about it.
"Well...yeah."
"You could kiss me now, so when you guys are kissing, you'll know the difference." I offer.
"Wouldn't that be cheating?"
Oh yeah.
"And what if you're...better?"
"You think I'll be better?" Cool.
"I don't wanna think that, but...you're not the only one who got big butterflies. If you kiss me..."
"There you go. I can kiss you, so technically, you wouldn't be the one cheating."
"But what about -?"
"Riley and I...we're getting closer and closer to being over every day. I can live with it."
Sorry, Riley. Really.
"I know if you kiss me, I'll kiss you back, though. So that's still cheating."
"Just do it so we can go home. Please?"
"Dawn?" We echo.
"Look, Giles sent me to come get you guys, so if you're going to do it, do it. I wanna go. It'll drive you crazy if you don't, you know. Like this one time, I had this itch, but it was on the bottom of my foot, and I had sneakers on. Plus I was in class. I really, really wanted to scratch it, and it bugged me like all day. But then I got to gym class and when I went into the locker room..."
I'm zoning her out. And when I turn to face Willow, her lips touch mine. I'm no poet, and I can't describe anything accurately, so I'm just gonna say...nothing at all. Ha!
Okay, fine. It's a soft kiss. Short, but that doesn't make it any less amazing. There's no longer any doubt in my mind.
***
Wow. I'm pulling away...but still, wow. I hate to say this, but it felt totally different than with Tara. Better? Yeah, in a way. It felt...like more, maybe? I can't describe. No doubts, though. Guilt, yes. Doubts, no.
"Gross." Dawn says, spoiling the moment. "We can go now, right?"
"Don't say anything about this to anybody." Buffy tells her.
"What kind of sister would I be if I told on you?"
"*My* sister. My 'going to be in so much trouble' sister."
"Good thing I'm not your sister, then."
***
We're walking back to the car, and they're holding hands. Can anybody say, "cheesy"?
At least Tara won't be real upset anymore. It's been bothering her for awhile. Willow and Buffy won't cry now. They'll only hate us.
--
"We can start our own game. Where people throw ducks at balloons and
nothing is as it
seems." (Homer J. Simpson)
"You think you know? What's to come? What you are? You haven't even
begun."
(Tara and Dracula to Buffy, BTVS)
"I'm telling mom you slayed in front of me." (Dawn, BTVS)