FF Lovesick in Sunnydale

[badbard <tiger_by_night@xxxxxxxxxx>]

Hey btw if anybody sent me something recently and
hasn't gotten a reply it's to do with me overstuffing
my mailbox and not receiving incoming email. :(



Lovesick in Sunnydale
by badbard
(tiger_by_night@xxxxxxxxx)


WARNING/DISCLAIMER:- I d...d...don't own anything. 
Anything! I sw..swear. Gods, why are you lookin' at
me like that? I'm in my corner aren't I? I've got my
safety blanket for h...h...h...hic
s...s...sake...pity...er. Cripes. This is just
toooooo hard. C...copyright is a demented joke and we
are all it's pr...pr...pawns and I don't even like
seafood. Much. Stop it! Stop the EVIL voices
ORDERING me to WRITE. I'll jump! I'll jump off my
chair! Just you try and stop...not to mention,
understand me.

B...Buffy S...Summers and W...W...Willow Rose...uh
nevermind, belong to J...J...Joss and other people and
well, the important thing is I don't own them in any
way, shape or curvy form. So stop looking at me! 

I'm not making money. DAMNIT. *G*

This is my late contribution to the buffyloveswillow
list's theme of the week (which week? What do you
mean which @#$*^&% week? Shut up!) That would be the
movie theme - I'd like to think the *achoo ripoff*
title gives it away. Yeah, I also don't own the
rights to 'Sleepless in Seattle' and what's more, I
wouldn't want to. *VEG* 

Uh two grrls in LOVE. Zip spoilers. Time is a matter
of skewered perception and relative to relativity and
other incomprehensible words. (like that 'i' one) 
Seasons change. People give up on reading my fanfic
when just reading the disclaimer takes them half the
night. Heh.

I had a little too much to drink when I was cowering
under my rock on New Year's Eve, waiting for that big
ol' *&^%$% LATE comet to hit.

Oh yeah, this is a comedy btw.

Finally, the fanfic!

***

"Let's go to the phones," suggested the painfully
perky radio announcer nationally known as Dr Val
Valium. "Let me help you discover your inner child,
spank it and learn how to love yourself in the most
literal hands on sense."

"Uh, hello?" Caller One sounded like she was about to
throw up.

"Dahling!" gushed Dr Val. "You're on the air! Let's
see, it says right here on the giant screen in front
of my face that you're calling yourself 'Lovesick in
Sunnydale'. Sunnydale? Where the *bleep* is that?"

"Um," moaned Lovesick.

"Realllllly?" giggled Dr Val. "Well I guess if you
knew where the *bleep* that little hick town was on
the map you'd get the *bleep* outta there, huh? Yuk
yuk yuk!"

"I need your help," whimpered Lovesick.

"Dahling, everybody needs my help," Dr Val snickered. 
"That's why I present a nationally acclaimed radio
segment complete with caller id and on call community
service er 'volunteers' who just completed their
prison courses in straightjacket jerking on. And off.
Whew, it's hot in here!"

"Please," whispered Lovesick, "I don't know what to
do."

"Do you know who to do?" asked Dr Val, leaning into
the microphone. "If you do you're half way to the
wall! Yuk yuk yuk."

"Yeah but, she doesn't...oh I don't know why I'm even
calling here. Stupid move, Rosen...*bleep*. Oh! Oh,
did I just say that? Oh! This is my remorse face."

"SHE?!" crowed Dr Val. "Lovesick is in love with a
lovely lady, listeners! Somebody hit the record
button! Because unless I'm very much mistaken or
Lovesick is halfway through a...transition period,
Lovesick is female too! Can we please have our
callers' homophobic responses tempered with dirty
jokes!"

"Ohmigod." Lovesick sounded...sickly.

"So is she a lesbian too?" enquired Dr Val, sticking
her thumbs up as the ratings began going up.

"Too?" squeaked Lovesick. "What do you mean too? I'm
not g...g...oh darnit. I can't even say it."

"But you sure can do it!" quipped the good Doctor. 
"Dahling, I know eXACTly how you feel. Really. No
really. I do. I too have had some same sex
EXPERIENCES."

"Experiences?" Lovesick's voice was weak.

"Experiences, hot kinky sex, whatever," giggled Dr
Val. "Listeners, you all know what I'm talking about!
Eh Lovesick? You go Lovergrrl!"

"Huh? Wha? Noooo..."

"Let's get some listener responses," suggested Dr Val,
hitting flashing buttons at random. "Helllllo? 
You're on the air with Dr Val and tonight's lucky
patient, Lovesick in Sunnydale!"

"Oh WOW, this is like a DREAM come true!" garbled the
exuberant male caller. "I can't BELIEVE I'm TALKING
to Dr VAL! Oh Wow! You are, like a *bleep* GENIUS,
Dr Val! You've saved my life, like seventy times! 
You've given me, like seventy orgasms! You are like,
so COOL. You ROCK! You are THE like, talking lady to
listen to!"

"I KNOW, Dahling," gushed Dr Val. "Stay put, bigboy
and I'll switch you to my personal 900-number line. 
Well, Lovesick? Did you find that helpful?"

"Uh no?" whimpered Lovesick.

Dr Val hurumphed. "Sounds to me, Lovesick, like you
need to learn to listen more. Tell me, Dahling, do
you really listen to what...what did you say her name
was again?"

"I didn't," mumbled Lovesick. "Can't we just call her
um..."

"Buffy!" exclaimed Dr Val. "How 'bout Buffy? A
perfect alias - nobody could possibly be stupid enough
to name their kid after a body part."

"A body part?" gasped Lovesick.

"Well," reconsidered the Doctor. "Maybe I AM the only
one who likes to call mine a Buffy. But I highly
recommend it to all my listeners. Naming your body is
essential for anyone who really wants to know
themselves. Know thyself, Lovesick! Know thyself! 
Know thy Buffy! Rub thy Buffy up and down!"

"Oh GOD," gasped Lovesick. She sounded like she was
hyperventilating.

"Next caller," Dr Val decided. "Helllooo, you're on
the air with Dr Val! Do you have any advice for how
Lovesick should go about latching onto Buffy?"

Lovesick coughed. "Can't we call her something else?"

"Why?" demanded the Doctor, sounding peeved. "I
thought lesbos were comfortable with buffing the
Buffy. I mean, c'mon, what would YOU suggest,
Dahling? Some butchy name like Faith? Or a prissy
femme called Cordelia?"

"I'm in hell," wept Lovesick. "Why can't I put the
phone down! Why can't I get over my hangup of hanging
up and...hang up?"

A female voice crackled over the airwaves. "Hi? Um,
Lovesick? Why don't you just tell erm Faith how you
feel?"

"I hate Faith!" griped Lovesick. This was followed by
the sound of her hand being slapped over her mouth.

"Love, hate, two sides of one red rubber ball,"
singsonged Dr Val.

"Um, don't you mean coin?" Lovesick protested, albeit
without enthusiasm.

"My, but you are a woman of many many many problems,"
sighed the Doctor. "Answer the question, Dahling,
we're TRYING to help you even if you ARE a lost cause.
Why haven't you opened your mouth and slipped her
one?"

"I can't," Lovesick mumbled miserably. "She's still
in love with..."

"an Angel?" guessed Dr Val less than helpfully. 
"Ain't we all, Dahling, ain't we all. You're just her
best friend in the whole *bleep* world, right? You
help her fight her inner demons? Send them back to
hell? All in the name of nothing better to do? Well,
let me tell you, grrlfriend, if you're just her
friend, you ain't BEEN nothing yet!"

"That's not true!" cried Lovesick. "We love each
other! Maybe not in the way I'd like but it counts
for something. It k...keeps me going."

Dr Val's voice began booming over the microphone. 
"Listen closely, Dahling. Love doesn't work that way.
Why, You're not even giving it a chance to work and
sitting tight is only going to damage your
relationship and put your panties in a knot. If you
don't tell her how you feel, she might as well be
boinking a demon. Y'know?"

"Yeah," whispered Lovesick. "I know. It's just so
hard. And things have gotten so complicated."

"Real hairy, huh?" guessed the Doctor. "I hope you're
not telling me you're off having a howling good time
in the moonlight when you could be staking out her
heart for yourself."

"Yes!" cried out Lovesick. "That's exactly what's
happening. Oh God, how did things get so screwed up. 
It's me. It has to be. I mean, I had a crush on a
guy for ten years and I said nothing! Nothing that
meant anything, anyway."

Dr Val began sounding serious. "If you can't talk
about it, Lovesick, do something about it. Take
action. Do the humpy motion!"

"But," whimpered Lovesick. "What if it's only me? 
What if she doesn't feel this way? It'd be over. The
best thing in my life would be gone. No, I can't risk
that. I need her."

Dr Val snorted into the microphone. "Our next caller
thinks that's a load of *bleep* and so do I! Life's
short, Dahling. If she feels the same you're gonna
see heaven. If she doesn't, you'll get over it and go
on more repressed than before. You'll call up here. 
You'll buy my books and tapes. You'll learn to love
again - the human heart is fickle that way."

"Not mine," whispered Lovesick. "She's my best bud. 
I love her. I love Buffy."

Dr Val sniffed. "Oh my. I think I'm getting a cold. 
And now I've got something in my eye. Is that
knocking I hear, Dahling?"

"Wha?" gasped Lovesick, spinning around as her bedroom
door swunk slowly open. Her heart was trying to jump
out the window. Her feet were trying to follow suit. 
Buffy stood in her bedroom wearing nothing but a short
black raincoat and a bashful smile.

"Buffy!" gasped Lovesick, turning white than red than
white in quick successive shades.

"Willow," murmured Buffy, fingering the topmost button
of her raincoat. "Let me in."

"You are in," whispered the hacker dropping the phone.
Her feet moved to this magnetic attraction. Toe to
toe with Buffy she reached for her friend's warm hand,
sliding it snugly down into her own cotton shirt, over
her pounding heart. "You're in here."

"Hello?" demanded Dr Val. "Hello? I can't believe it
happened again! Alien abduction in the middle of a
lesbian revelation - their weird experiments are
beggining to get me right up the *bleep*! Onto the
next patient. According to the big screen in front of
my face, 'Loveslain in Sunnyhell' just hung up on us. 
Pity. I'm really into b&d. B&W too for that
matter..."

END

Well, *I* liked that better than the original. *EG*



























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