End of the Month Gutter Report

[Shadow <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; UVE; and all other interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month Gutter Report

Okay I'll keep this short and to the point since I am still in meetings 
with the authorities of the small third world country, that shall remain 
nameless, that is holding our beloved and quite mad Listdad hostage until 
we give them our wall posters of Buffy and her naked redhead. {Like that 
is ever going to happen.} At last report Listdad is going well, only 
driving a few of his captured mad with his off key singing and badly 
written love poems to our beloved List Lust Goddess Kimber.

Item 1:
Regarding the presence of the Dark Gremlin seen lurking outside of the big 
oak by the path leading to town. Do not worry there is no call for alarm, 
the Dark Gremlin was just taking the time to voice her complaints of no 
updates to Family Honour and was wondering why I had the nerve to be 
sleeping in board daylight. Being a demented vampire fruit bat and a firm 
believer that sunlight is evil, being the cause of all those sickeningly 
careful and quite nuts 'sun worshippers' I merely sicced our shade wearing 
Koala on her and went back to bed.

Item 2:
Regarding our beloved shade wearing Koala and the recent biting of one 
Riley "I'm a vamp slut" Finn... at last report our shade wearing friend and 
champion spiked jungle juice drinker was doing well, having undergone seven 
emergency treatments for possible rabies contamination. Although I think 
he just liked the nurses and didn't want to leave hospital. After a 
lengthy investigation it was discovered that the shade wearing Koala was 
attacked by the honourless Finn vamp slut in his shower, our beloved Koala 
able to keep the creature at bay with a plunger while he shouted, "Begone 
you vamp slut... begone foul creature of Iowa hayseed moron-ness". Why the 
shade wearing Koala was showering with a lamp shade on his head and the 
shower curtain wrapped around him like a toga we'll never know. But 
witnesses reported hearing a strange voice that sounded remarkably like 
James Earl Jones saying "Use the Force young Koala, use the Force." Why 
witnesses failed to hear Sir Alec Guinnesss' voice is a bit of a mystery 
but we suspect it has something to do with the Koala's ties to the dark side.

Item 3:
Regarding the annual spring vampire tomato slaughter... anyone for tomato 
soup? And as usual the vampire fruit bat society has released their usual 
statements of innocence and being the wronged party in the whole assorted 
affair, citing thousands of years of tomato cruelty and barbarism upon the 
world.

Item 4:
Really the owner of the drunk poet in the black leathers and red silk shirt 
please come and get her? She is hanging out in the South Gutter looking 
for a warrior mongoose for "research purposes".

That is all, we know return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics. :)

Shadow -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper.
Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback. The 
Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief... Corrupter of the 
Innocent. Tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of the Get Willow and 
Buffy Naked Society. GWBNS - Hey, it's a way of life. Dark Mistress of 
Weird... be afraid, be very afraid. Yang to Alex's Yin. :[