ff To be or not to be...the Slayer

["Christeen Demons" <Shyfox30@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Well, I know it's been a while since you've seen something from Sappho's, so 
here's a short little tale that I just put together, dealing with what Giles 
said to Buffy in 'What a wonderful world.' I hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: Characters are owned by Joss whedon, and co. Borrowed here 
simply for my own pleasure and not to make any kind of profit.

Subtext: Nope, all maintext here.:-) These are two women in love here.:-)

This story follows Kirayoshi's What a Wonderful World, in the Sappho's spell 
series...Enjoy.


To Be or not To Be...The Slayer


The wind blows hard against this mountainside,
Across the sea into my soul.
It reaches in to where I cannot hide.
Setting my feet upon the road.

My heart is old, it holds my memories.
My body burns a gem-like flame.
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine.
Is where I find myself again.

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel.
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night.
Kyrie eleison, where I'm going will you follow?
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light.

When I was young I thought of growing old.
Of what my life would mean to me.
Would I have followed down my chosen road?
Or only wish that I could be?

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel.
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night.
Kyrie eleison, where I'm going will you follow?
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light.
Mr. Mister


"This ground is cold...and wet...and I'm probably going to have a big grass 
stain on my butt when I get up." Buffy mumbled, staring impatiently at a 
grave stone marked, "Harvey Kinkle" while waiting for the poor sucker to 
wake up. "What kind of vampire would turn a guy named Harvey, anyway?" She 
paused for a second to think just how
wrong that was, then snickered as she thought about another clueless 
vampire. "Probably the same one who turned a guy named Earl. I'm really 
going to have to find this nut and put him out of his misery." She decided, 
before casting a glance at her watch. 'Great.' She thought, with some 
disgust. 'I've already been out here for an hour.'

"Come on, Harvey. Wake up." She finally said, out loud, after she'd stared 
for long minutes more at an unmoving pile of dirt. "I'm tired, I'm cold, 
and my wife is probably home, in a warm bed, probably sound asleep. Trust 
me, I'd rather be home with her, then out here with you, so why don't we 
just get this over with?" She said to the pile of dirt,
slightly disgusted when she didn't get a response then snorted at herself. 
'Well, what did you think he'd do, get up just cause you asked nicely?'

She'd spent long hours in cemetaries just like this one...a lot of time 
spent in this very one...waiting for vampires to wake up so that she 
wouldn't have to go out and find them later. It wasn't the most pleasant 
time she'd spent as a Vampire Slayer. The ground always seemed cold, hard 
and damp. It was a wonder she didn't catch more colds than she had. 'So, 
why do I get the feeling that I'm going to miss all this when I finally give 
it up?' She asked herself ruefully, looking at the well carved stake that 
she held loosely in one hand.

It hadn't been all bad. Sure, she wouldn't miss the bumps and the bruises 
and scrapes that had peppered her body since becoming the Slayer. But there 
was also this...she wasn't sure how to describe it, even to herself, but 
there was this thing inside her...this feeling that
told her that this was what she was, this is what she had been born to do. 
And questioned whether she should really be giving it up in the first place.

She thought about something Willow had said to her one time...in this very 
cemetary, no less. Love makes you do the Wacky. No kidding. Her life had 
changed so fast it was making her head spin. But then, her life had a 
tendency to do that. She had gone from being a brainless cheerleader, to 
being the Chosen One, and now her life was changing
again. In a few short months, and it was almost impossible for her to 
believe, that her wife, her Wills was going to have her baby. She'd had to 
pinch herself more than once to prove that she wasn't dreaming.

But recently, she'd found herself being torn between the duties that had 
been drilled into her since she was fifteen, being the Slayer and protector 
of the world against vampires and the other creatures that went bump in the 
night, and the duties she now had as a future
parent, and the wife to the most sensitive and caring person in the whole 
world.

'Giles says that it's time for me to retire, to step down as this 
generation's vampire Slayer. That I have more important duties now, to my 
wife and my family. Of course, this is also coming from a guy that's 
hounded me from the beginning about my duties as a Vampire Slayer...go 
figure.' Buffy thought with a rueful chuckle. But that wasn't really fair 
to Giles. They had all changed over the years.

'And now...I guess it's my turn to change.' Buffy thought, looking once 
more over the hard, ingrained peice of wood that felt so right in her hand. 
"I'll be the youngest, living retiree." She said with a small, mocking 
chuckle. "But the oldest, living Vampire Slayer." She said, with a small 
trace of reverence and wonder. If she did this, if she pulled this off, she 
would be doing what no other Vampire Slayer in history ever managed to do. 
Retire and live the rest of her life a free woman. Just the thought of it 
sent tiny tingles up and down her back.

Of course, that was when Harvey chose to make his appearance, bursting up 
out of the ground with but one thought on his mind. Food.

Buffy felt her reflexes quickening, that old, familiar surge of 'Slayerness' 
setting her body on fire. There was a definite addictive quality to that 
feeling, something she had never admitted to before, something she hadn't 
even really thought about, but was definitely present every time she went 
into Slayer mode. Her eyes lit up, and she found a smile creeping over her 
face as she took in the vamp's appearance. "Hungry, Harvey?" She teased, 
noticing that he was practically drooling over himself as he came closer, 
the only noises he was emitting were low growls and snarls.

"Come on, come on." She quirked her finger at him, as if she were directing 
a puppy. "Fresh meat over here." She quipped, even as she danced out of 
his way as he charged right by her. She turned so that she was facing him 
again, grinning widely as she anticipated his next move. "Come on, you can 
do better than that."

He charged her again, both arms held out straight as if he were trying to 
grab her, but once more she danced out of his reach, a laugh bubbling up 
from somewhere inside her as she watched him go tearing past her once more. 
The vamp was growing furious at the repeated misses, and the way his food 
was playing with him. He was pretty sure it was supposed to work the other 
way around. Glaring at the blonde, he snarled angrily,
watching bewildred as her smile just got bigger and she laughed out loud.

"I'm just standing here, ya big wuss. Surely, you can catch me. You must 
be well rested, you sure slept long enough." Buffy complained, good 
naturedly, risking a glance at her watch. 'Yikes. One thirty. Will is 
going to kill me. Better stop playing with this guy and
just put him out of his mis-' She didn't have time to finish the thought as 
she was tackled from behind.

She hit the ground hard, but rolled in time to see a nasty looking face 
bearing down on her. 'Ugh. Somebody hasn't brushed their teeth in a 
decade.' She thought to herself as she kicked the new guy hard in the chest 
and sent him flying. She was back on her feet before 'Harvey' could attack, 
knocking him in the other direction, before backing up and getting her 
bearings once more.

'Okay, I'm really slipping. I never even sensed the other one coming.' 
Buffy scolded herself on letting her attention slip, watching the two vamps 
warily. 'Okay, there's just two, I can handle them easily.' She coached 
herself, before another presence made themselves known. 'Of course, that 
third one throws a whole new pair of dice into the game.'

*****
Levying open her bedroom window, Buffy risked a glance at her wife's 
sleeping form before throwing a leg over the window sill, muffling her grunt 
of pain as her side protested the movement with a dull, nagging ache. The 
vamps had been a little harder to manage than she had anticipated, one 
giving her a nice gash to remember him by before she had
sent him back to hell where he belonged. She had risked the climb up the 
trellis to her bedroom window, because she hadn't wanted anyone to know she 
had been out graveyard hopping, especially since Giles still hadn't given 
her clearance for such patrols yet. He was being overly cautious in her way 
of thinking, and yet after what happened tonight she
couldn't help thinking that he might be right about her mental state, maybe 
she wasn't ready to take on Big Bad yet.

She straightened up, standing into the room as she cleared the window, 
careful not to knock over the lamp that was sitting precariously on the 
bedside table. She took a step further into the room, watching for any sign 
of movement coming from Willow's direction and creeped toward's the bedroom 
door, she wanted to wash up before her wife got a good
look at her, but for some strange reason, the chair that usually stood in 
front of Willow's vanity table was taking up residence in the middle of the 
bedroom floor. Buffy, not expecting it to be there, promptly tripped over 
it, and ended up lying, seeing stars, on the bedroom floor instead.

"Buffy." The Slayer, whose head had just stopped spinning, winced at the 
sound of her wife's voice. "Yeah, honey?" She questioned quietly, from her 
spot on the bedroom floor.

"Where are you?" Willow asked, looking through the shadows for any sign of 
her wife's form.

"Down here." Buffy replied back, her fingers drumming lightly on the 
carpeted floor. She knew she was in trouble...she just didn't know how much 
trouble she was in. But she was content to wait for it, from right where 
she had landed.

"Why are you still on the floor?" Willow asked, hoping the Slayer hadn't 
hurt herself too bad with the fall. Although... 'It would serve her right 
for coming home late, and not telling me where she was going and making me 
worry.' Willow thought to herself, justifying her actions.

"Umm...thinking?" Buffy hazarded a reply, trying to see if she could see 
her beautiful wife's face through the darkness.

"About what?" Willow asked, giving Buffy no clue to just how mad she was. 
"How to tell me where you were all night?" Willow asked, cutting through 
Buffy's evasiveness like a knife.

The Slayer thought over what she could possibly say to her perturbed wife. 
'Well, Wills...would you believe I was out getting a job?' Which would be 
partly true, she had spent part of the night doing just that. But she had 
planned to surprise her with the news the following night over a fancy 
dinner at Mario's, and she didn't want to ruin her plans.
Plus, it wouldn't have explained the scratch marks or the nasty gash in her 
side. No, the best thing to do would just be to come clean with her wife, 
and hope that she would understand.

Just as Buffy was about to reply, Joyce knocked loudly on the door. "Is 
everything all right in there? I thought I heard a crash." Joyce was 
worried, but she wasn't about to barge in on them again.

"We're fine." Willow called out, easing her Mother-in-law's anxiety. 
"Buffy just got home." Buffy winced after Willow said that, then winced 
again at her mother's reply.

"Oh good." And Buffy could hear the sigh of relief in her voice. 
Apparently, she'd had them all worried...again. 'This is the last time I go 
slaying without telling them where I'm going.' She vowed to herself, before 
she heard her mother's parting reply. "You give it to
her good, sweetheart." And she gulped when she heard her sweet Willow's 
voice reply..."I will."

"Okay, you little runaway. Tell me where you've been, and no lies, or I'm 
going to have to spank you." Willow tried to sound serious, but she couldn't 
help the humor that lightened her voice.

Buffy took a deep breath, willing her embarrassment away to some deep, far 
away part of her psyche, before forcing herself up from the floor, wincing 
again as her side ached in protest and made her way towards the bed. "I'm 
sorry. I should have told you where I was going." Buffy said, sitting 
gingerly on the bed.

"Why didn't you?" Willow asked, growing frustrated with only being able to 
hear her love in the darkened room. She wanted to see her too.

"I-I didn't want to worry you." Buffy started, hoping that wouldn't cause 
the redhead more concern. "I had to find out..."

"Find out, what?" Willow asked, switching on the light so that she could 
finally see Buffy clearly. "Buffy..." She gasped, her eyes opening wide at 
the sight of her. "Oh my god. What happened?" Deep scratches marked the 
length of the Slayer's face, one ending just
under her chin, blood oozing from them sluggishly, while a bruise darkened 
one beautiful blue eye.

"I had to find out if I was ready." Buffy looked down over her dirt 
encrusted and grass stained clothes. "I went to the graveyard, I knew there 
was a vamp rising tonight so I figured...you know, a nice, simple dusting. 
He was a newbie, he'd never know what him. Good way to test out my 
strength...see if I was fully healed..." She trailed off, sighing. "Guess 
I'm not," Buffy concluded, shrugging her shoulders, wincing as the pain 
made itself known again.

"Buffy..." Willow shook her head, unable to pry her eyes off of the damaged 
skin.

"Couple of his buddies showed up while I was fighting him...playing with 
him, actually." Buffy let out a self-deprecating laugh. "I got cocky. 
Never saw the second one coming...I didn't even sense him." Willow could 
see Buffy's eyes clouding over as doubt settled in on the Slayer's 
shoulders. "He knocked me off my feet, but I fought back. I was able to 
get them both away from me. And I figured, well cool, two of them. A real 
test of my strength. I could handle that." Willow nodded, waiting for the 
punchline. She knew there had to be one, with Buffy looking like this. On 
a normal day, Buffy could handle two vamps in her sleep.

"Then what happened?" Willow asked, as it became more clear that Buffy 
wasn't going to continue.

"And then the third one showed up." Buffy took a deep breath, settling 
herself...after all, she had won, even if it was a close call. But a close 
call had never affected her this badly before, it wouldn't have affected her 
at all if she hadn't had those thoughts in the graveyard.
About leaving Willow behind, and her daughter. 'Giles was right.' Buffy 
thought regretfully. 'I'm not thinking like a Slayer anymore.' Because all 
she could think about, while she fought those vamps in the graveyard, was 
that she did not want to die in that cemetary, and about how fast she could 
kill them so she could get home to her family.

"We fought...I dusted them..." She trailed off, looking down over her 
clothes again. "Taking some damage in the process, and then I came home..." 
She trailed off again, knowing that Will already knew the rest of the story.

Willow didn't say anything, just took her in her arms and held her. After 
all, what could she say that Buffy hadn't already said. That she shouldn't 
have been so careless? What would have happened if Buffy hadn't have come 
back? That she had already lived with this once, she couldn't go through 
that again? Buffy already knew all of that, and this was no time for 
recriminations. She pulled Buffy down on the bed, ignoring her protests of 
getting the bed dirty, they could change the sheets and clean Buffy's cuts 
later. All Willow wanted to do at that moment was hug Buffy until she 
stopped shaking.

*****
Later, after a few long moments spent in each other's arms, Willow got Buffy 
into the bathroom, and firmly locked the door. While she was getting the 
antiseptic out for Buffy's cuts, Buffy took her shirt off so that she could 
examine the gash in her side. It was deep, throbbing red, and pulsing with 
heat. Willow grimaced when she saw it, frowning at how angry the wound 
looked. "Do you think we'll need to sew it?" Willow asked her, Buffy was 
the more experienced of the two when it came to injuries. Considering she 
was the one getting injured, it made sense.

"Probably." Buffy sighed in renewed disgust at herself. Willow nodded, 
before getting the needle and thread out of the medicine cabinet. "Do...do 
you want me to..." Buffy looked up, seeing Willow's face pale. She knew 
Willow hated doing these things, but the wound was in an awkward position 
and she didn't think she'd be able to do it herself. Buffy nodded and Willow 
gulped, before sitting on the toilet lid, turning Buffy toward her so that 
she could do it right.

Buffy winced as the needle passed through her skin the first time, but 
seeing how pale it made Willow turn, she carefully schooled her reactions. 
She didn't want her wife passing out on her at this awkward moment. Willow 
tried very hard to pretend she was just darning socks, but it was hard to 
keep fantasizing about warm, fuzzy socks, when all that she felt was Buffy's 
poor skin under her fingers.

"It's okay, Will." Buffy whispered, encouragingly, and smiled warmly for 
Willow's benefit when their eyes met for a brief moment. "It's going 
good...you're almost done." She kept up her litany until Willow passed 
through her skin for the last time with the needle, then tied it off in a 
knot.

Willow couldn't wait to put the needle down, the fact that it and her hands 
were coated in her wife's blood, made her stomach flip and churn uneasily. 
Buffy sank to her knees in front of her, pulling her close until Willow's 
hands and knees embraced her. "You did a great job. I couldn't have done 
it better myself."

"I don't know how you can stand that." Willow said, shaking herself and her 
nausea off as she gently started to clean the scratches on her wife's face 
with the antiseptic. Buffy started to open her mouth but was quickly 
silenced by the redhead's next remark. "And if you say it comes with the 
job one more time I'm gonna swat you."

"Gee, Will. Don't you think I've been hurt enough for one night." Buffy 
chuckled, then saw the shuttered look fall over the green eyes she loved so 
much. "Sorry. I was just kidding...my bad."

"I hate it when you get hurt." Willow whispered, touching the bruise under 
Buffy's eye gingerly, with a gentle finger. "I've always hated it."

"I'm sorry." Buffy said, running an equally gentle finger over the soft 
skin of her wife's cheek, before sliding through soft hair. "I don't do it 
on purpose. At least...I don't think I do." Buffy said, smiling wryly.

"Promise me...you'll be more careful." The words sounded all wrong coming 
out...Willow knew she shouldn't be asking her this, and yet, she couldn't 
help herself. She had to do it.

Buffy nodded her head. She'd done a lot of thinking on the way home from 
the cemetary, and there was one thing that she could promise. "Hmm, more 
careful....let's see. I promise that I won't take on a whole nest of 
vampire's by myself." Willow giggled. "Hmm, I promise to think more before 
I do something reckless. I promise to always tell you where I'm going if 
I'm going to do something Slayery." Willow nodded, liking that one. It had 
been hard, knowing Buffy was out there, probably doing something risky, and 
not knowing where she was.

Buffy's face became totally serious as she thought long and hard about her 
next words. The decision hadn't been easy for her, and a part of her had 
fought long and hard against it, but it had lost. Willow was just too 
important to her to lose. "And when the new girl gets here, and I see that 
she's any good...I'll step down. I'll let her be the new Slayer." She had 
said it once before, but this time she really meant it. Giles was right. 
She couldn't afford to be the Slayer anymore. She had too much now at 
stake, and she had realized that they would always be on her mind. It 
wasn't just her anymore, she had a family to take care of, and that was far 
more important in her mind than being this generations Vampire Slayer. Her 
days of being a Slayer were coming to a close. She had never thought she'd 
see this day come, without dying first, but for the first time, she really 
believed she was going to.

Willow closed her eyes, tears leaking out from the closed lids. She knew 
the decision had been a hard one for Buffy to make. She knew there was a 
part of Buffy that would always be the Slayer, it was a part of Buffy that 
she loved, after all she loved the whole package, but it was also a part 
that she feared. Because the Slayer made Buffy reckless, being the Slayer 
meant risking her life, she had always known that. Had always feared that 
one day Death would come to claim Buffy, and Buffy would go willingly, 
because she was the Slayer. Now, now Willow felt as if she were wiggling 
her nose at Death.

Then she wiggled her nose for a completely different reason. Buffy smelled. 
"You need a bath." Willow said, giggling as Buffy rolled her eyes good 
naturedly.

"Well, thanks, honey. Good to know that I can always count on you to tell 
me that I stink." Buffy groused, then winked in amusement at her wife. 
"I'll take a bath on only one condition."

"What's that?" Willow pretended confusion, but deep down she knew what was 
coming, and relished it.

"You take one with me." Buffy grinned, before kissing the inviting mouth. 
There was no protest.

*****

"Buffy: The Retired Vampire Slayer." Buffy whispered, reflectively into a 
pink, squeeky clean ear before nuzzling it gently. "You know, that has a 
nice ring to it." Willow giggled, enjoying the way Buffy hands felt on her 
body under the water.

"Yup. It sure does." Willow agreed, before taking Buffy's mouth with hers, 
silencing all further conversation as they sank down into the luscious heat.


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