BuffyWantsWillow::Fic:Something New (8/8)

[Pedder <russianknife@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Author: Pedder

Title: Something New (8/8)

Disclaimer: The BtVS universe was created by Joss Whedon, I'm just borrowing the characters for a while. I don't claim any of it, it's not mine, I think you get it.

Feedback: Anything, please.

Archive: Go for your life. Just let me know, k?

Spoilers: None.

*********

I?m not sure how long I cried for. It must have been a while. It?s not like I can just get over losing the love of my life with a good ten-minute cry. I wasn?t wearing a watch, and I probably wouldn?t have thought to look at it even if I had been. All I know is that I was still sitting there crying when Buffy found me.

When I looked up and saw her there I just put my head down and started crying harder. In the brief moment I?d seen her face, there was something indescribable in her expression, and I had no idea what she was thinking. All I could see was the person I loved more than anything in the world, the girl I wanted more than life itself ? the one I betrayed.

I refused to look up again. I couldn?t look at her. I tried to bury myself in my head again, and let the blissful numbness slip over me again. I guess it must have worked, because I don?t remember anything from that point to when I woke up a few minutes ago curled up on my bed.

Buffy?s nowhere to be seen. She?s not in the room, and I don?t want to go and look for her. Actually, that?s not true. I do want to go find her, but I?m afraid. I want to see her, to talk to her, but I don?t know if she wants to see me. She must have brought me here, but she?s not here any more.

Maybe she couldn?t stand being in the same room as me. Maybe she only brought me back here because I could have been killed out in the night, and it?s her job to keep people safe. Maybe she only brought me back here because her conscience wouldn?t allow her to do anything else, but as soon as I was safe she didn?t want to be around me.

She must hate me now. She-

The door opening distracts my thoughts. I watch with some trepidation as Buffy steps into the room. I meet her gaze and quickly look away. I can?t stand to see the hurt in her eyes. The pain that I put there.

"Hey," she says softly.

I don?t say anything. I can?t. I want to, but I just can?t seem to form any words. What do you say in a situation like this. With Oz, I begged and pleaded, told him over and over how sorry I was. I guess I could do that here, but I can?t justify what I?ve done. At least with Xander I?d loved him since we were kids. I?ve only known Tara for just over a month. What I'd really like to know is 'What the hell is wrong with me!'

There's a few minutes of silence while Buffy waits for me to talk to her. Eventually, she realises that I'm not about to say anything, and she comes and sits on my bed. "Why'd you do it Will?" she asks softly.

I shrug, the movement the absolute picture of my patheticness.

Ordinarily, I'd wonder at the fact I'm making up words, but it's not really top of my list of priorities right now.

"I don't know," I reply. I still can't look at her. "I think?" this is going to sound stupid "I think that I don't think that I'm allowed to be happy."

See. That sounded stupid.

"What?" asks Buffy, confused.

"You'll think it's dumb," I mumble.

"Maybe," she says softly. "But it's an explanation. And don't you think I deserve one?"

Ah. She's still pissed, despite the nice act. Somehow, that makes me feel better. Buffy's meant to be angry at me. That's how this works.

I'm silent for a minute, and I guess Buffy gets a little impatient, because she jumps in again before I can speak. I'm not sure what I was going to say, but that's not the point. I would have opened my mouth eventually.

And stuck my foot in it, I bet.

Well, better that that someone else's tongue.

Hey! Stop it. There's no need for snide remarks like that.

What planet are you on, Willow?

Buffy's voice cracks on her question. "Do you still love me? Did you ever? I mean, was I just? convenient?" She spits the last word.

My eyes snap up from where they've been busily contemplating my kneecaps. "Of course I love you!" I exclaim. "How can you even ask that?"

Oh. My. God.

I thought I was supposed to be smart.

I cringe before the words even finish leaving my mouth, and Buffy looks pissed. "How can I ask that? Come on, Will. You generally don't cheat on someone unless there's a problem with the relationship. What was wrong? Did I push you? Were you just afraid of hurting my feelings if you turned me down? What was it? Was it just being with me?"

Oh, crap. Now she's crying. I made her cry. She sits down on the bed and I can see her shoulders shake. I want to comfort her, hold her, but I don't know if it would be welcomed at the moment.

"Nothing was wrong, Buffy," I say. "And I think that's the problem."

She wipes away her tears before she looks at me. "I don't understand."

"I was happy," I tell her. "I was happier than I've ever been in my life. Being with you is exactly what I want."

"Want?" she asks. "Not wanted?"

"Want," I state firmly. "I'll want you forever. Love you forever."

She looks away from me, and I wonder if I've just overstepped and fallen off a cliff. "What about Tara?" she asks, still not looking at me.

"It was a mistake. I think, subconsciously, I was scared of what we had."

"Scared?"

I sigh. "I've thought about this a lot. Actually, I've done nothing but think about it. Do you remember when Oz and I first got together?" she nods, and I continue. "It was great. Finally, here was someone who wanted to be with me. It wasn't perfect, sure, but it was the best I'd ever felt. I wasn't used to feeling that. I got scared then, too. Scared that something was going to happen to rip it all away from me. So I made it happen first."

"Xander," Buffy comments.

I nod. "At first, I thought it was just because I'd had feelings for him since forever, and he suddenly wanted me. Why would I pass that up? I thought that all the way up until now, actually. But now that history's repeated itself? I think I worked it out."

Buffy's silent. I wonder what she's thinking. Her face is expressionless, and I can't see her eyes, so I'm totally in the dark as to how she's taking this.

"You thought we wouldn't last?" she asks finally.

"No!" I exclaim, grabbing her arm as she tries to move off the bed. "That's not it at all. I wasn't aware of it, but I think I was afraid I'd lose you."

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"No. I was scared that you could be killed, or hurt, or taken away from me." She's not buying it, I can tell. I wish she had, because I know she's going to be hurt by this.

"Tell me the truth, Will." She finally makes eye contact with me, and I have to look away. I think she read the answer in my eyes anyway.

"I was afraid you'd leave me."

I can't hold her as Buffy wrenches her arm from my grasp and moves away from the bed. She starts pacing, and I can tell she's tempted to put her fist through a wall. "I can't believe you'd think that," she grits out. "after everything we've been though, I can't believe you thought I'd just get up and leave you. I can't believe you don't trust me."

"I do trust you!" I almost yell. I'm off the bed now as well, and moving closer to Buffy by the second.

"The why don't you believe me when I tell you I love you?" she shoots back at me.'

"Because I don't see how you can!" I scream, "No-one else ever did!" 

And suddenly, all the pain and hurt and anguish that has built up over the years of rejection by my parents and my peers comes rushing up to the surface, overriding my defences and sending me over the edge. With a loud sob I collapse on the floor, crying like it's going out of style.

Arms warp around me and pull me into a warm embrace. Buffy holds me to her and rocks me gently, murmuring softly in my ear that everything's going to be all right. I want to believe her, and she is helping, but even she can't just take away all the hurt inside of me. it's been suppressed for so long, I don't think it's just going to give up after a while and go away again.

I'm not sure how long I cry for, but Buffy's there the whole time. When I finally get myself under control, I reach up to wipe the wetness from my cheeks. Buffy stops me, and I look up at her quizzically.

"Let me," she says, and she cups my face with her hands, drying my tears with soft strokes of her thumbs.

"I'm sorry," I say when I find my voice.

"Shhh," she murmurs. "You don't have to be sorry. It's not your fault. I never knew you were hurting that way."

"Neither did I," I answer, resting my head back against her shoulder. She's moved us so she's leaning comfortably against the bed, and I'm still curled up in her arms. "I was just so scared. I mean, you're everything I'm not. You're beautiful, strong, confident. You're perfect. Why would you ever want someone like me?"

"Because I love you," Buffy answers without hesitation. "And you're wrong. I'm not perfect. I'm not even close. I have bigger faults than California. And you, love, are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I can't help it, I blush. Nobody's ever really called be beautiful before. Xander called me gorgeous once, but then that led to? things, and I was in formal wear at the time. Everyone looks good in formal wear, so I'm not sure that counts. I don't know what it is about me that Buffy thinks is beautiful. Maybe it's just because she loves me. I mean, I know I'm not really ugly or anything, but I'm definitely nothing special.

"Will," Buffy growls in my ear. "Stop that. I know what you're thinking. I would think you were gorgeous even if I didn't love you, and, as a matter of fact, I have thought it before."

Really? "When?" I ask.

Buffy shrugs. "Pretty much every time I looked at you, but I was talking about Halloween two years ago." She hesitates for a moment. "And? I probably shouldn't admit this, but remember your evil vampire double?" I nod, wondering where she's going with this. "When I saw you in all the leather, well? Let's just say that leather pants look so much better on you than on Angel."

"You thought evil me was hot?" No way. Buffy, that's just?

Oh! I so did not just imagine what I think I did. No, nah-uh, no way. My whole body did not just tingle when I thought about me in leather and Buffy tied to a-

I did not just think that.

I didn't.

"No!" Buffy exclaims. "I thought you were hot. When we put you in her clothes."

Thanks Buffy. That really helps get this image (that isn't in my head at all, no siree, never even thought of it) out of my mind.

"Really?" I ask.

"Totally," she answers. A thought suddenly crosses my mind, and Buffy begins to look worried at the wicked smirk that forms on my face. "What?" she asks cautiously.

"You know," I say slowly as I turn so I can look at her face as I say this. "I always wondered why you insisted on staying in the room while we changed clothes." Buffy's eyes go wide and her face reddens as I continue. "I mean, I know you said it was in case she woke up, but those tranquillisers were strong enough to put Oz out for a couple of hours. There's no way evil me was going to wake up." I grin, and Buffy laughs, putting her hands up in defence.

"Okay, okay. So I had less than professional motives when I stayed. But doesn't that just prove that I think you're beautiful?" she kisses me on the cheek, and I smile.

"You're just trying to make me forget I should be mad that you acted with Xander's permanent mindset?" I not mad at all, really. How could I be? The fact that Buffy thought I was beautiful in high school does a lot to ease some of my insecurity.

"Is it working?" she asks.

I wait a beat, then nod. "Absolutely. Although you might want to try just a bit harder. Just to be sure."

She smiles. "Wouldn't want you mad at me," she murmurs. Our eyes lock, and after what seems like an eternity, she lowers her lips to mine. The kiss is gentle, reassuring, loving. Everything that we need to re-establish between us after what's happened.

The kiss ends, and I reach up to tuck away a piece of hair that's hanging in front of Buffy's eyes. "Are we okay?" I ask, still with some trepidation.

"We're perfect."

*********

End

*********

Well, that was the last chapter of Something New. Mainly because I think the story had reached the point where it's kind of moved past the title. If anyone's interested, or maybe if I just feel like it, I might continue this eventually as a sequel type thingie, where I can change the title.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the ride.

Pedder (slightly obsessed with titles?)



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