The Slayer Of Oz
by Anne-Lise
[reviews]
The whirlwind dissipated, leaving two dazed girls lying in a pile of plaid.
"My head hurts. What happened?" The first asked.
"I'm not sure," Buffy replied, "but I don't think we're in California anymore, Anya."
*
"We're strangers in a strange land," said Buffy. "And I'm certainly wearing a strange dress. We should do our best to keep a low prof..."
"Out of my way short stuffs." Anya aimed a kick at the nearest Munchkin.
"Ow! Evil giants! Flee for your lives..." The Munchkin fled screaming.
"Anya?"
"He was in my way. Horrid little... Little People."
Buffy shrugged. "No big."
*
"I'm not wicked," pointed out Willow. "I'm just tragically misunderstood."
"Hate to break it to ya," the cowardly Xander rebuffed, "but after the winged monkeys, I'm not buying that story."
"The monkeys were an accident!" Willow paused. "Kinda." Her thoughts were distracted by the arrival of an aforementioned winged messenger.
"Danger, Will Rosenberg. Danger!" the monkey exclaimed.
Xander shook his head. "And you say you aren't evil?"
"Be quiet," the misunderstood wicca commanded. "What is it?"
"Your guests have arrived in this world, my Queen." The monkey informed her.
"Excellent." Willow rubbed her chin. "Go! Give my guests the welcome they deserve! Fly, my pretties, fly! Bwahahaha!"
"!" Xander managed, before Wicked Witch Willow gagged him.
*
"Giles, is that you?" Buffy looked at the ragged Watcher, who span around on his pole to face the other way.
"Giles?" Buffy walked around to the other side of the scarecrow, who again shuffled around, back to where Anya stood staring. The scarecrow continued spinning, trying to find an angle where no-one could see him and failed, although his circumlocutions succeeded in freeing his pole from the earth, and he fell over.
"Eek!" Buffy cried, as her mentor's straw-filled head detatched itself from its equally straw-filled torso, and bounced across the floor.
"Don't just stand there," Giles cried, "put me back together! Please?"
*
"There's something strange about the floor," Anya claimed.
"You mean, the way it seems to be made out of gold-foil-wrapped chocolate?" Buffy supplied.
"It is?" Anya looked down. "That would explain it. Your subconscious is a strange place, Buffy. I wouldn't have it wished on anyone. And I've granted some strange wishes."
"Too true," agreed Buffy. "Heads up! Incoming!"
"What are they?"
"Um. Flying monkeys?" She pulled out Mr. Pointy. "Time for the simian action scene."
*
"The monkeys came from the castle on the hill," said Giles the scarecrow.
"Good call," said Buffy. "See, you are a watcher after all!"
"I guess I am!" Giles replied with a bounce in his step. "I guess you don't need brains for the job after all!"
Buffy grinned. "Remind me to quote you on that at every available opportunity."
"On what?" asked a confused Giles, who'd already forgotten what he'd said.
*
"You know," said Giles, who's mouth was currently hard-wired to his eyes, "that castle looks like an enormous..."
"Yep," agreed Buffy. "It sure does."
Anya appreciated the view.
*
"You sent the evil monkeys after us?" Buffy demanded. "You evil little witch!"
"I'm not evil, I'm not!" Willow stomped the floor.
"Well excuse me, Rumpelstiltskin." Buffy pulled out Mr. Pointy and gave it a drummer's twirl.
"No! Please no! You'll regret it if you stake me." Willow pleaded.
"Oh, why?"
"Because we could be making love..." Willow grasped Buffy's head and gave her a sensual, indulgent kiss. Buffy staked her anyway.
"Why is it," she asked the other scoobs plaintively, "that every alternate Willow I meet is gay?"
Xander wisely said nothing. But then, he was still gagged.
*
"If only I had courage," wailed cowardly Xander. "I would be more like Buffy!"
"If only I had a heart," wailed Anya. She thought about what she was saying. "I'd probably eat it."
"If only I had a brain," began Giles the scarecrow.
"You'd be dangerous," claimed Buffy. "Now move."
*
"We're off to meet a musician, the wonderful musician called Oz," sang Giles.
"Because, because, because, because..." Xander continued.
"Because of that horrible stammer." Anya flatly stated. "Morons."
Giles burst into tears. "Its not my fault I have no brain!" he sobbed.
*
"So, you are the strange travellers my spies have reported!" exclaimed the Great Oz.
"I guess so." Buffy affirmed.
"How fared you against the evil Witch?"
"She's dust."
"Oh. Shame." Oz's expression didn't change. "She was a dutiful wife until the end."
"You know," Buffy pointed out in the face of such stoicism, "you seem strangely familiar."
"I get that a lot," Oz agreed. "Did you take from her the red transdimensional crotchless panties that will allow you to return home?"
"The what?" Buffy choked. "Of course I didn't! What sort of pervert do you think I am?"
"Um," said Xander holding up the offending item. "Don't ask," he added.
*
"What now?" Buffy said, wearing nothing but a sports bra and the magical red panties.
"Just cross your legs three times, and all will be as it was." Oz advised.
"And if it isn't?" she asked nervously.
"Then at least we get to have a laugh." Oz the Wise revealed.
Buffy crossed her legs three times, and felt a strange special effect coming on.
"Help me, help me I'm melting!" she cried out, as she vanished with an audible pop.