Summer Confessions
by Casandra
Chapter 2
[reviews]
Buffy and I got loaded up and out of the dorms a lot quicker than I had anticipated. Of course Slayer super strength and all that played a significant role, what with the 3 boxes at a shot that she carried down the 2 flights of stairs to the parking lot. I swear sometimes she does that just to try and impress me. Flashing me a sweet, almost cocky grin before grasping up another heavy pile and heading out into the hallway. Doesn't she realize that no matter what, no matter how strong she is, how many piles of clothes and other knick knacks she can carry, she's just Buffy to me.
Sure she's the Slayer, and believe me, that fact has saved my keister on more than one occasion, not to mention the entire known world. But it's the complete package that makes her my best friend. I guess she's just so used to having to pretend being someone else with Riley that she doesn't realize she doesn't have to do that with me. She never used to, I knew her better than I knew myself at times. When did all that change?
Actually I don't really need to ask myself that question, I already know the answer. Riley. Oh who am I kidding, Riley AND Tara. I didn't think that when we started dating people that weren't within our little close knit group that we would drift so far away from each other. But that's exactly what happened. And I can't help but curse both Riley and Tara a bit for that. Even when I know it's my fault more than anyone's.
I hid Tara. I hid our relationship away from everybody who matters the most to me. And as much as I'd love to say I don't know why I did it, I know with certainty the reason. I was scared. Completely and utterly terrified.
Of Buffy's reaction.
I always had suspected there was more to Faith and Buffy's relationship than Buffy let on. Not that I think they slept together or anything, because the fleeting thought that they did would be enough to make steam come out of my ears. No, it was more the fact that Faith had this sensuality about her, she oozed sex appeal. And more than once I could have sworn I saw Buffy's eyes glazing over when all of us would be out at the Bronze. Of course it was a rarity in and of itself that Faith would actually hang out with all of us at one time. She usually either spent all her free time with Buffy, or with none of us at all. I remember asking Buffy about it once and she gave me this rather disgusted look and shot down the notion that she could ever be attracted to Faith. It had calmed my fears that Buffy was interested in Faith. But it didn't make me feel any better about my own feelings for my best friend. Because when she brushed away the thought of her and Faith together so brusquely I took it to mean all woman in general, including myself. And given the fact that Faith was walking sex appeal, even if it was of the skanky variety, if Buffy wasn't attracted to her, she wasn't attracted to any woman at all, myself being at the very bottom of that barrel.
I remember being so nervous when I told her that all I could do was clutch onto my pillow and very barely meet her gaze. And at first, I thought for sure she was going to run out screaming into the hallway. She had looked confused , then when realization set in about what I was telling her, I swear I saw a thousand different emotions play across her gorgeous green eyes. Hurt, confusion, but the one that really caught my attention at the time, was the jealous green spark that flashed for longer than any of the others. And it both raised my curiosity and my hopes. And then the guilt set in. I was with Tara, yet I couldn't help but have a little bit of hope that my new girlfriend was the key to winning Buffy's heart.
How horrible am I?
And my guilt just gets worse, because I'm actually rather glad that Tara left to go back East. Things weren't all that great at the end of the year anyway, I think she was beginning to pick up on the fact that my emotions were divided between her and Buffy. And as wonderful as Tara is, and as much as I do love her, it's not the same kind of connection that I have with Buffy.
It's not the same kind of love I feel for Buffy.
And therein lies my problem. For 4 years I've been completely in love with my best friend.
And now we have the entire summer to spend together. Tara is back home, 3000 miles across the country, and Riley is off getting debriefed who knows where. Not that it's that unusual for Buffy and I to be together a lot during the summer. Last year we spent a ton of time just hanging out. With Xander gone on his little road trip into the great unknown, and with Angel in LA, we had plenty of girltime. But with Oz's presence constantly in the background, even if he did manage to make himself rather scarce with all the gigs Dingoe's managed to nab, it kind of put a damper on things. Not that I would have ever worked up the courage to come clean to Buffy in the first place. Especially not right after what had happened with Angel. She was heartbroken that day in her bedroom, and I was not about to add to her emotional stress by admitting that I've been hopelessly in love with her for almost the entire time we've known each other. Nope, that was a definite thing of badness in my book. But last summer had been fun. We really had some good times, movies in the afternoon followed by tons of summer shopping. Then even more movies at night, with lots of slumber party sleepover goodness.
Last summer was probably the best of my life. And now that I think about it, I know exactly why. It was the first summer I had ever spent with Buffy. So I must be trying to press my luck, because Buffy and I alone together in Malibu on the beach is bound to kick my hormones into high gear. Which around her, is never the best thing. Sure I adore the feeling of pure and unadulterated love and passion that courses through my veins whenever I'm in her presence. Suppressing it so she doesn't realize is a completely different story. But I can't help hoping that this summer brings us together as lovers, the way last summer brought us even closer as the best friends that I hope no matter what happens, we always will be.
And as much as I have guilt for leaving the thought of my girlfriend in the back of my mind, I can't wait until Malibu. Buffy in a bikini is more than enough to send me running for a cold shower. But it's the thought that I might finally work up the nerve to tell her how much I really do love her that has me the most excited. Visions of Buffy holding me close, as we sit on the beach under a star filled sky dance in my head as I drift off to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Buffy, my god, how much stuff do you have down here?"
"Come on Will, it's not that bad! Besides, I have a very good excuse, I've been gone all year long, how am I supposed to clean out my closet when I don't even live here most of the time?"
I crawl out of the back of Buffy's closet for a moment to shoot her an exasperated glare, but the second I turn to look at her my heart stops beating in my chest. She's modeling one of the new bikini's she bought when we went to the mall last week in preparation for our week of sun and sandy surf fun. She had showed me the small, barely there purple iridescent number on the hangar and I immediately loved it. But on her, words can't accurately describe how incredibly gorgeous it looks. I have to actually shake my head to clear my vision, I honestly think I was seeing doubles of her out of repressed desire or something equally naughty.
At the present moment Buffy has me digging through her closet for her duffel bag and beach towels. But I think I'm fighting a losing battle, because all I seem to be up to my waist in is shoes and the occasional stuffed animal.
"Well when was the last time you used it? Because I can't seem to find anything in here besides shoes and plenty of bunnies, both of the dusty and furry variety." And the fact that some of the dust ones are bigger than the stuffed ones really should worry me I think.
"Umm, I think probably the summer before last. When I left after.................." She stops because I imagine she saw the pain flash across my face. The summer between our Junior and Senior year of high school isn't one of my favorite topics. I spent dozens of sleepless nights wondering, praying to any deity that would listen, that Buffy was safe. That she wasn't in a ditch somewhere, or worse yet, sucking the life out of someone as an immortal Vampire Slayer. The emphasis always on the vampire part. That entire summer I felt like I was completely lost without her, like part of my soul was taken along with her on her journey, and I didn't find it again until that night I saw her alive and well in that alley. It sounds melodramatic even to me, but that's exactly how I felt. So every mention of the summer we spent apart like that just opens the wound a small crack and lets the hurt seep in just a bit. And Buffy knows that. Hence the contrite look she's sending my way.
"Will, I'm sorry, I know, really sore subject. You know how my mouth has this tendency to not cooperate with my brain sometimes." She stops adjusting herself in the mirror, and quickly crosses the distance between us and grasps me up into a warm, loving hug.
Eek!
Ok, normally Buffy hugs are the most soothing thing in the world to me. This time is a tad bit different. Cause you see, she still has on the purple string bikini. And her very barely covered body is now squishing into me in all the wrong places. Actually the real problem is, she's squished into all the right places. And it's suddenly gotten extremely hot in her bedroom. I can feel the blood rush to my cheeks as I wrap my arms around her hesitantly, searching for a spot that won't add any more friction to my already electrically warm body. I settle for the middle of her back, but I quickly spring my hand up to her shoulder the minute the thought of just simply untying the knot she has keeping her bikini top in place crosses my hormone induced mind.
Bad Willow! I'm a very, very bad girl! What in the world has come over me? I'm thinking like a sex starved teenage boy. Oh god! I'm starting to think like Xander!
"Will, are you ok?" Huh? Oh man, she must have noticed how strangely I've been acting. Just great, I'm ruining everything before we even get out to Malibu. Funny, I didn't even realize she had pulled away to look at me. And why not, I'm staring at her, why shouldn't she be looking at me too. Of course she's not looking at me the way I'm looking at her, cause well that would mean she wants me the same way that I want her, and I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
Oh god! Somebody please, just shut me up! I even babble internally!
"Yeah, I'm ok Buffy."
"Are you sure, because it kinda felt like you tensed up when I hugged you?" She has this subtly hurt expression floating across her eyes and I kick myself mentally more than once. I hate that look, it's a cross between wounded puppy dog and confused. Separately I think that she's adorable wearing them. But combined it just tugs at my heart.
"No, no, I'm fine Buffy, I was just surprised I guess. I think I'm just getting readjusted to your hugs again. I mean this past year we weren't really all with the huggies and I really kind of missed it, and you, and well you know this already, and it's not like you haven't hugged me recently, cause you have, but that was for the first time in ages. And I guess I just need to get used to you hugging me more often again. Not that it's a bad thing, cause it's way up there on the goodness scale, top of the charts really. And can you just shut me up now?" Oh god, what's happening to me? I haven't babbled that much in ages. I'm reverting back to my high school self. What happened to cool confident college girl? Buffy turned her into a pile of hormonal mush with one hug, that's what. Scratch that, one bikini clad, almost naked Buffy hug.
Buffy reaches up and pushes a errant strand of my auburn hair back behind my ear and gently smiles at me. Melting again here. "Actually Will, I kind of like it when you do that. You get the cutest expressions when you go into one of you little spree's there. In fact, the first time I saw you do that I had to fight such an urge to just wrap you up in the biggest hug. It was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen."
Awww. She's so not helping my melting condition. Because that was one of the sweetest things she's ever said to me. "Well now you know I'm a big fan of your hugs, so no need fighting the urge anymore, right?" Ok, well that was not subtle in the least bit. Hey, look at me, I just asked for Buffy huggies, yay on me!
She laughed a little before sobering up a bit and just gazing at me through sparkling green eyes. No way did I just see a spark of desire flash in those eyes, no way. "Well Will, you know I'm not the most restrained person on good days, so glad to hear." She leaned forward and took me into her arms again, turning her face into the crook of my neck and softly nuzzling my hair. Ok, wait. Nuzzling!? Buffy is nuzzling my hair? She sighed contentedly, or at least I think so, and tightened her hold on me.
"Buffy?" I was getting rather confused, because the way she was holding me, so lovingly, so.......possessively, certainly seemed to be going out of the best friends ballpark. And as much as I was enjoying all the closeness, I didn't have a clue what was going through her mind. She pulled her head up from my shoulder and caught my gaze in her own. For what seemed like forever we just stood there, wrapped in each other's arms, gazing into emerald green depths.
"Will........" She leaned closer and closer, her forehead now resting against my own, both our breathing becoming somewhat labored. I was positive she was actually about to kiss me, when I heard Joyce's loud voice echo in through the open bedroom door.
"Dinner's ready girls! Don't want it to get cold, come on!"
We snapped apart like someone had shocked us and just stared at one another for a brief moment before Buffy turned back around to her closet and grabbed a white t-shirt and a pair of cutoffs and quickly slipped them on. She turned back around to face me, gave me a shy sweet smile and grasped my hand, pulling me along with her downstairs to dinner.
And I'm sure the goofy grin stayed on my face throughout the entire meal.