By the Swings
by Pat Kelly
[reviews]
Disclaimer: I make no money. All hail Joss and his army of Mutant Enemies. And oh, if you have time, FOX and UPN, too.
---------------------------------------------------------
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
She saw the ground, then the sky, and then the ground again. It was a clear sky tonight; there were no clouds to hide the stars and the moon from view. It was serene. She deserved serene after what she'd just endured. That was one hell of a ceremony -- it even ended with a bang. A really big bang, as a matter of fact. Then it was over. The screams, the growls, the clanging of weapons, the snapping of bone...all was silenced...until the sounds of the engines and sirens. Adrenaline was pumping through her veins, furiously. Her muscles had not yet calmed, the commotion making it impossible to relax. She needed to get away. She needed quiet, peace.
Why did she force herself to replay the horror?
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
Buffy left the firemen, left the burning school, left her friends. No, not completely. She was still in town, still trying to cling to the past she caused to go up in flames. She'd been nonchalant about moving on for weeks, but she was finally feeling the weight of the milestone. She'd effectively closed the book on a chapter of her life, and she'd never be able to reread any of the parts she may have skimmed over the first time. The future loomed in the distance, uncertain, while she was concerned she'd missed out on something already done with. She wondered how many of the dead she had known, how many she hadn't bothered to know, in the last three years.
What did it matter now?
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
The playground was empty. She entered it slowly, walking on the grass, carrying her cap and singed diploma in her hands. This took her further back. Memories of simpler childhood pleasures reemerged from some remote area of her mind, and she smiled. Her father accompanying her to the park, helping her move from rung to rung on the monkey bars. Her mother waiting at the base of the "big kid" slide, ready to snap her picture as she flew down the metal at high speed. Throwing bread to the geese who'd land every once and a while, searching for a free meal. She was sure her classmates had similar experiences as children.
Were their last moments spent reflecting on them?
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
She put her possessions at her feet as she reached the swings, and situated herself carefully in the child-size seat. She gripped the old chains, pushing her body forward. Her legs went straight, touching the air, and she swung steadily. The motion was freeing somehow. Adults kept their feet on the ground, and children flew. She didn't want to do either. On the swings, you never touched the ground, going as high as you pleased...if only temporarily. She wasn't trying to soar, just let go. Not yet ready to be an adult, but unable to be young again, she was content to stay in the middle of the two extremes, swinging until she couldn't anymore, staring at stars.
Did the deceased find homes in their light?
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
"Can I swing, too?" A voice interrupted.
Buffy was startled, but didn't stop. "Geez, Will...you scared me." She paused. "But be my guest."
Willow took the swing next to her, and eventually matched her rhythm. The redhead had been searching for the blonde ever since it had ended. She knew Buffy had gone to be alone, that the recent events had pushed her to the edge, and she'd been worried. If there was one thing she learned, it was that the slayer was a solitary person. Buffy talked when she was ready, and never before. No matter how much Willow prodded. It was frustrating, but it was something she'd accepted. Buffy's reluctance to open herself up was nothing personal, it was just the way she was. And her best friend was now deep in thought -- soon Buffy would want to drop the wall.
She wanted to be there to listen.
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
"You're sneaky, you know that?" Buffy remarked.
"Sorry." Willow smiled sheepishly. "But so are you." She countered. "You left, and we didn't even know."
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
"Yeah..." The slayer trailed off, not really hearing her friend's response. "We did good, right?"
"Uh huh." Willow answered her affirmatively. "Unless you don't think beating the Mayor is a good thing." She smiled. "It is, though. Cause Evil's dumb, Buffy. It acts all scary and mean and tough...puts on this big show and we're all like, 'ooooh'..." Her face scrunched up in disgust. "But then guess what happens?"
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
Buffy smirked. "We win?"
The redhead nodded. "And we always will. Cause we're smart. We're-we're...anti-dumb."
{Creak...Rattle...Whoosh...}
"Then how come it never feels like winning?" Buffy asked, slowing her swinging.
{Creak...Rattle...Crunch...}
Her heels smacked against the dirt briefly as the motion decreased, and then she adjusted to the change. Science would say that physics was responsible for the drop in speed and height; that without most of her force powering the swing, it was to be expected. But Buffy would have sworn it was adulthood, calling her to Earth. The swing made less noise now. Luckily, she wasn't alone in her descent.
"What?" Willow wondered, again moving in sync with her friend.
"I'm supposed to be glad, aren't I? Maybe even happy? I mean, we fought City Hall. Big 'yays' all around." The blonde sighed. "But people died, Will."
Willow frowned. "If we hadn't done anything..."
"Then a lot of others would've died, too." Buffy finished for her. "I get that, but...nobody should've had to. At all. I can't just say, 'Well, my friends are still alive, so that makes it okay.' It'd be so much easier if I could, but I can't."
{Creak...Rattle...}
"I know." The hacker said, sympathetically. "If you could, then you wouldn't be you, though. You'd be Faith." She said, matter-of-factly. "She didn't care, you do. Which makes you...pretty darn human, if you ask me. And ya know what? We kinda like you that way." She waited for the smile. Once she got it, she continued. "But, Buffy, you didn't kill anybody. The Mayor did. So you went to Mr. 'I'm a Creepy Snake' Man, and then he went boom. You did the right...*the only*, thing you could do."
"I should've done more." Buffy said helplessly, knowing she couldn't have. "I just wanna be able to save everyone." She didn't understand why whoever was out there, wouldn't let her. "That's my job, isn't it? Saving people from the bad things?"
Willow was at a loss, and the silence came back for a few minutes. "I wish I knew how to make it better." She said, honestly.
Buffy suddenly couldn't swing anymore. Her desire to assume responsibility for everyone she couldn't protect wasn't the desire of a child. It was the desire of an almost adult who was being too hard on herself. She was making the transition whether she liked it or not. Upon seeing her crushed expression, Willow stood and walked in front of her, waiting for her to stand as well.
{Rattle, rattle, rattle...}
When they were face to face, she wrapped her arms around the slayer's neck, and without permission, sought her girlfriend's lips. It wasn't the first time Buffy had found solace in the touch of Willow's mouth to hers, or in her embrace, and the Gods willing, it wouldn't be the last. The blonde reciprocated gently, lovingly, returning the redhead's gesture. They were being supportive without words, because sometimes, words just wouldn't do. Sometimes there was never an answer. As an adult, you start to realize that, the only thing you can do is live to the next day, and hopefully find comfort in someone close to you. That's exactly what they were doing.
"Little better?" Willow asked quietly, still holding her close. She received a murmured, positive response. "You're great at your job -- the best. You have to know that. Without you, there'd be no world left," She gave a half-smile, "and we wouldn't be able to eat ice cream, or...or kiss anymore."
"That'd be bad." Buffy spoke, and then her forehead creased. "Hey, how come ice cream came before kissing?" All she got for an answer was a tiny grin. "Will?"
"Yeah?" The hacker questioned.
"If I can't deal with this, how am I gonna deal with college and everything else?" The slayer genuinely asked. "It just keeps getting harder. All the time." Life was like that.
"I dunno, but you'll figure it out." Willow believed.
Buffy was incredulous. "I will?"
"Yep." The redhead said with certainty. "And I promise to help. Novice Wicca's honor."
The blonde smiled. "Lucky me." Her companion handed her the diploma, put the cap on her head, and then they began exiting the playground, each grasping a reassuring hand. "You should come up with a Wicca salute. Or a secret handshake."
"Yeah," Willow agreed enthusiastically, "wouldn't that be neat? And don't forget merit badges."
Buffy shook her head and chuckled. "Course not."
She didn't get the resolution she'd been hoping to achieve by going there, but she was leaving with more than she came with -- confidence, hope, and someone who was going to make sure she never ran out of either.
"Ooh, and..." As that someone got going, a gust of wind brushed by.
{Creak...rattle...}