Stranger In My House
by Shyfox
Coming Back To Me
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Chapter Ten: Coming back to me
lyrics by Celine Dion
Willow stood alone in the nursery for the first time since the time when she'd come home from the hospital. That visit had been so painful, so unbearable that she hadn't been able to remain in these four walls for very long, the memories sweeping over her had almost done her in with grief and she'd backed out of the room, refusing to step in here again...until now. It had all started here, she realized, she'd been sitting in this room when Faith had made her first appearance back into their lives, shaking everything up with her entrance.
There were nights when the wind was so cold,
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window.
She tried to block the memories that seemed relentless in making themselves known. The ones that had fought themselves into her dreams, making her restless with nightmares and bringing more strain to her already overtaxed system. She kept seeing Buffy's face, turning from relieved to agonized in the instant that Faith had attacked. She shivered, her arms wrapped tightly around her body as she remembered the sudden lunge, feeling so incredibly helpless as she'd watched wide-eyed as her wife had taken her enemy over the edge, hurtling towards the hard pavement far below them. She remembered staring at her wife's body, so crumpled and bleeding, feeling so sure that she had lost her, that the key to her heart and soul was dead. And that horrible, agonizing ride to the hospital, where she'd begged and pleaded for every breath that her love took.
There were days when the sun was so cruel,
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever.
She remembered every hour, every moment that she had watched over Buffy, begging her love to just wake up and look at her, to let her know that she was fine and everything was going to be all right. Every day had just been another start in the vigil that they'd held over her. Every night had left her wondering if this was Buffy's last night on Earth.
I finished crying in the instant that you left.
When Buffy had woke up and looked at her, those blue eyes blank of any recognition, she had felt as if her heart were being sucked out of her chest, leaving only a gaping, black hole in it's place.
And I can't remember where or when or how.
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made.
The hope that had died in that instant hadn't been allowed to flourish again until she'd seen signs of Buffy making her recovery. The heart that she thought was gone had slowly started beating again, had started sending its wishes to a brain that was forged in denial.
How appropriate that their horrible ordeal should end in the very place that it had begun. They had come full circle. She had her Buffy back, and she was never letting her go again, not if she could help it.
Buffy stood in the doorway watching her wife stare out the window, and wondered if she would ever find a way to make up for all of the pain she had been through. Giles and her mom had just headed out for his place, giving Buffy and Willow the house to themselves. And though Buffy knew she didn't even want to think about what they'd be doing, she was grateful for this time alone with her wife. A chance to rediscover each other after the turmoil they had been through. "Hey, honey. Whatcha doing?" She asked, coming up behind her and putting her arms around her waist, resting her head on the redhead's shoulder.
But when you touch me like this,
And you hold me like that,
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me.
Willow couldn't help but sigh blissfully when Buffy wrapped her arms around her. She'd missed her with an intensity that had seared right down to her very soul. Now, as she was gently held in her wife's arms, it felt like a warm balm was spreading all over her. "Just thinking."
Buffy heard her somber sigh and knew the thoughts that she had been thinking hadn't been pleasant ones. The weight of her newly found guilt weighed more heavily on her shoulders. "Mmmm, not good." Buffy said, tightening her hold on the redhead, vowing to herself that she'd never let go again. "Too much thinking wears out your batteries."
Willow let out a small chuckle, just relishing in the feel of this. "Mom and Giles leave?" She asked, just to make small talk. She didn't like to admit to herself that she was nervous, but she was. It was like she and Buffy were learning each other all over again, relearning the steps that had made them click in the first place.
"Mmmhmm...said she wanted to get started in moving you back home." She felt Willow stiffen, knowing that she didn't like to think of anyone going out of their way for her. "I think it was just her way of letting us have some time alone, besides the fact that I don't think she and Giles have had a lot of time together either." She knew why too, keeping Willow and her apart couldn't have been easy for either one of them.
Willow thought about how much the older couple had done for them. It must have been so hard to watch over the lost couple, to watch them apart and hurting. Giles had been the epitome of an Englishman, not showing the strain and sorrow he must have been going through for them, and in a way, because of them. She had forgotten in the daze of her own sadness and grief that in order to keep Buffy and herself seperated, Giles and Joyce had to remain separated as well. They had a lot to thank them for. "I'm glad their doing it now." Willow murmured, hearing Buffy snort a chuckle before she buried her head further into the redhead's neck. "What?" She asked in confusion, wondering what Buffy found so funny.
"Not quite sure I'm there with ya, Wills. Just the thought of it makes me green, but I do agree that they need some alone time."
Willow tsked at her lover, swatting her playfully as her words sank in. "You know what I mean." She said, as she found herself blushing and trying hard not to think of Giles and Mrs. Summers doing...that.
"I thought I did, Wills. Maybe I was wrong." Buffy teased, relishing in the familiar banter. She'd missed it. She'd missed everything about her relationship with Willow, but as they relaxed more in the feel of each other, she realized she'd missed their gentle familiarity more than anything else. "You hungry?" She'd asked, when their laughter dwindled into quiet companionship.
Willow thought about it for a second, then shook her head no. She supposed she should, in all of the excitement with looking for Buffy earlier, and what had happened after, neither she nor Giles had ate supper, but right now all she wanted to do was stay in this warm embrace. "I just want to stay here...if that's okay." Willow said, unsure why she felt like asking permission to hold her own wife.
"It's more than okay." Buffy reassured her gently, holding her more tightly, her arms wrapped completely around her as they stared out the window into the night.
When I touch you like this,
And I hold you like that,
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me.
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)
As Buffy stood there, holding her wife in her arms, her mind tripped over memories that laid scattered in her mind like field mines just waiting to be stepped on. She cherished each one, allowing them to wash over her as the tactile feel of Willow's form gave substance to the past. She thought of the many hours they had spent in this very room, talking excitedly about their baby, wondering what she would look like, who she would take after, and what they would name her. Neither one was able to decide what the name should be, so they had given up on that part of the discussion, deciding that they would name her when they saw her.
A flash of a barely remembered dream stirred from her subconscious, an image of a child with a wild shock of red hair and a face full of freckles, calling her name as she ran across a lawn covered with white, fluffy snow. She could see herself catching her and throwing her up in the air, being the perfect playmate, as she taught her all about the world she lived in, and protected her from the dangers that lurked just outside her awareness.
She shivered as she wondered what would have happened to her daughter if her memory had remained a blank slate. Would she ever have remembered on her own if Faith hadn't interceded when she had, or would she have gone through life, never knowing about the miracle she had been blessed with. With one fatal leap on one fateful night, she had almost lost everything.
"How could I have forgotten all of this?" Her voice was broken as she spoke, searing Willow's heart with the pain that she heard in the plaintive question. Turning in her wife's arms, she looked into her face, and saw the sadness and remorse outlined there.
"Hey...it wasn't your fault." The blue eyes avoided her own as Buffy stared pensively out the window. "What are you going to do? Blame yourself for Faith's attack?" She asked, looking deeply into the shuttered face. When Buffy still didn't look at her, she touched her chin, lifting it to bring the blue eyes to meet her own. She wasn't about to let Buffy lay the blame and guilt on her already overburdened shoulders. "We were both victims here. She hurt us both."
Buffy traced a soft cheek with a trembling finger. "I came so close to losing you." She whispered, her blue eyes misting with tears. "My only thought was to protect you and our baby. I don't know what I would have done if she'd..." She couldn't finish the sentence, couldn't finish the thought, almost cringing with the possibilities.
"Buffy, she didn't. And how do you think I felt when she...when you..." The green eyes filled with pain, and she shook her head suddenly, almost viciously, as if she were trying to shake the memories from her brain.
At the renewed guilt on the Slayer's face, Willow's own cleared. "No...no more thinking." Willow said, her voice trembling, even as she tried to steady it, turning away from the heavy thoughts that had weighed on her soul. "I think I just burned out my batteries." She smiled, attempting to erase the worried frown from Buffy's face.
Willow sighed as she wrapped her arms around her wife's neck. She didn't want to think right now, in fact all she really wanted to do was forget that Faith had ever disrupted their lives, to forget that there had ever been a time when Buffy wasn't a part of her life.
There were moments of gold,
And there were flashes of light.
There were things I'd never do again,
But then they'd always seemed right.
There were nights of endless pleasure,
It was more than any laws allow.
Baby Baby
In the past, whenever Willow had wanted to escape from an especially trying day, all Buffy had needed to do was take her in her arms and love her troubles away. She wanted to feel that now, needed to feel it as if her life depended on it. She wanted to sink into Buffy's warmth, Buffy's tenderness and forget that there was even a moment when she couldn't do that.
Putting her head on Buffy's shoulder, feeling the blonde's arms come up to hold her tightly once more, Willow whispered into her ear, "Help me forget, Buffy."
If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that,
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me.
Buffy kissed the top of her head, feeling her throat tightening as their connection stirred deep within. She couldn't blame Willow for wanting to block it out, she too wanted to just put it behind them. She inhaled the sweet scent of her wife, her perfume sending sweet tendrils of desire through her blood stream. Oh, how she lived for this! Running her hand through the soft red hair, she brought Willow's face up to look deep within the green eyes reflecting back love and hope, and a compelling desire that seared right through her. "Oh Will, I've missed you so much." She said softly, just before their lips met, then groaned into the softness as the memories of a thousand kisses invaded her senses.
Willow clung to her then, unable to believe this was really happening, so afraid that she would wake up and this would be another of the endless dreams she had suffered through. "I've missed you too." She whispered, and Buffy realized that she had heard that in a dream somewhere, but then the redhead's kiss became deeper and she lost her train of thought, sinking into the sensations as they lost themselves in each other.
If you want me like this,
And if you need me like that,
It was dead long ago,
But it's all coming back to me,
The fact that they were presently still standing up in their baby's nursery slowly started to dawn on her, and Buffy slowly started to pull away from the kiss, resting her forehead against Willow's as they both took deep breaths, trying to regain their breath from the passionate kiss. She knew that they needed to move, to get more comfortable, and she knew that her bed...their bed was right down the hall, but she wasn't sure how to suggest it.
Willow looked at Buffy, a red eyebrow raising slightly as she saw her through passion glazed eyes. "I wasn't sure I'd remember how to do that." She admitted, a slight smile tugging at her lips.
Buffy chuckled, sounding as out of breath as her wife did. "I think kissing you must be second nature. It was the one thing I didn't forget, in my dreams anyway." She admitted with a blush.
Willow smiled at that, a hint of a blush rising on her own cheeks. Then her eyes turned serious, as she stared at her wife with a longing she couldn't hide anymore. "I want you, Buffy."
The admission took her breath away, and Buffy closed her eyes, gratefully. "I need you." Buffy confessed softly. She needed to feel her, all of her, as their connection grew and expanded, joining them together with an unbreakable link. She needed to touch on that again and again, until Faith's attack was just a dim recollection best left in the past.
Willow nodded, understanding shining in her eyes, before she gasped, feeling lightheaded as Buffy swept her off her feet and up into the Slayer's strong arms. Her arms wrapped instinctively around her lover's neck, feeling safe and secure at the same time in the protective circle.
"Wasn't sure I'd remember how to do that, though." Buffy commented, chuckling at the surprised look on the redhead's face. She tightened her grip before moving, walking out of the nursery and toward their bedroom, leaving the door wide open. There was no more need for secrecy now.
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me,
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now.
But it's all coming back.
They were quiet when they entered their room, both feeling a little nervous though neither knew why. Buffy set Willow gently down on her feet, unable to tear her eyes away from the green orbs that had always captured her attention. Shutting the door, she felt as if she were shutting the world away, leaving just the two of them standing in this space, this place in time where it was up to them to make things right again. Gently tracing the face in front of her, Buffy kissed her slowly, reverently, taking her time as they became reacquainted with each other again.
There was no compelling need to hurry, their movements were slow, gentle, tender, as if they were afraid that if they tried too hard or went too fast, this would all disappear as if it had never happened, and they'd be right back where they started from.
As they stripped each other's clothes away, it was like stripping off the layers that stood between them, all of the secrets Willow had been forced to keep, the time apart that they would never get back.
Laying down together was like coming home, for the first time since Buffy had awakened from her coma, she really felt like she was finally where she belonged.
But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me.
Buffy felt like a blind person that had suddenly received their gift of sight back. She stared in awe at the white expanse of skin that mingled and merged so nicely with her own darker complexion. Like a blind man, she used her other senses to rediscover territory she once knew, how the long plane of her wife's back was ticklish to her touch, how she moaned ever so sweetly when Buffy kissed the tender spot on her neck, how she writhed under her when she sought out other places, the hidden places that only a chosen two even knew existed.
Buffy couldn't get enough of the sweet contact that seared between them as they met each other again and again in a series of life affirming kisses. The way Willow gasped and moaned into her mouth left her feeling dizzy and reeling and wanting the sensations to go on forever. She couldn't imagine ever ending this blissful feeling.
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)
Willow clung tenaciously to her wife's form as she felt herself sinking into the sensations, losing conscious thought as she surrendered to the safety and security that loving Buffy always made her feel, losing herself in the barricade of emotions that her wife evoked in her, catching her in a maelstrom that she didn't ever want to break loose from.
She could hear her wife groaning into her kiss, felt the moisture that covered her back in a slick sheen of perspiration, giving evidence to the heat that sparked between them.
There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby
As Buffy lost herself to the passion and pleasure, images of a thousand other nights of such bliss invaded her senses. Every touch, every caress was mirrored in the back of her mind, invoking even greater pleasure as she remembered their first touch, their first kiss, the way Willow had driven her mad with animal desire, unleashing something primal from deep within. That something that had changed their lives completely. That first night of pleasure that had taken two souls and forged them irrevocably into one.
When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
Willow gasped as Buffy flared above her, being driven higher by their merging desires as their mouths met hungrily. There was no room for thought, no room for inner contemplation, they were in a place where desire and heat ruled supreme over every other emotion.
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The look on Willow's face as Buffy entered her was breathtaking...awe inspiring. Buffy thought that she was going to lose it completely when she felt her wife's warmth surrounding her, while at the same time losing herself in the deep green, passion-filled gaze. She could hear her wife murmuring words of love, her voice husky, as she moved within her. Once again there was no hurry, as she drew out the sensations, reveling in the softness of her wife's skin as she lay against her, the feel of the warmth that she was engulfed in, the sound of her wife's cries and moans that filled up her soul.
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
Willow's dreams and barely recalled memories couldn't compare to what Buffy was making her feel now. All she could do was hold on to her Slayer, gripping the sweat covered back, as Buffy moved above her. She was getting close, she could feel it building up inside of her, making her want to arch her back into the increasingly stronger touches. She panted into Buffy's neck, cooling the skin there and raising goosebumps, resisting for a moment the urge to bite into the strong, sinewy shoulder.
But the closer she got to that edge, the stronger the urge became, until finally she was able to resist no longer and she bit down into the strong muscle even as she screamed out her pleasure as she came.
Buffy's eyes opened wide at the shock of her Willow biting her, but the slight pain just mingled with the great rush of desire she was feeling, and she too cried out, her own climax capturing her unexpectedly.
They were rocked by the sensations, both clinging to each other, as if they were afraid to let go of the other, until finally, their passion spent, they sank into each other, both panting for breath as they came down from the heights their love had taken them.
If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that.
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me.
"Oh...oh no...I bit you." Were the first words out of Willow's mouth when conscious thought finally returned to her. Her tender heart felt remorse as she traced the reddened bite mark with a gentle finger.
Buffy turned her head to see if she could see the wound that felt like a minor scratch on her shoulder, but it was too close to her neck for her to see it. A small smile flicked around the corners of her mouth as she asked her wife teasingly, "Uh...are you sure you didn't become a vampire or something while I was away?" She chuckled at the look that came across Willow's face, kissing the scowl away with loving tenderness. "Just kidding, honey. It's okay...it doesn't even hurt."
Mentioning the time that she was away had brought a twinge to both of their hearts, bringing a renewed need for closeness. Buffy shifted positions, moving onto her back as she pulled Willow down on top of her. Buffy pulled the blankets up to ward away the cold on their chilling bodies, as she felt her lover snuggling in, the redhead lying comfortably on her shoulder.
Their love making session had managed to chase most of the ghosts away, but a few still lingered around the recesses of their minds, throwing shades of doubt into their path until both women were afraid that they'd trip over them.
"Buffy..I..." "Willow...I.." They both started at the same time, then stopped and looked at each other, before chuckling softly.
"You go first." Buffy offered, trailing a hand down Willow's long back.
"I...just wanted to say that I'm sorry we kept things from you. It just seemed to be...the right thing to do at the time. And, I really wasn't sure how to mention...all of this..." Willow said, indicating their positions on the bed. "...without making you think that I was some kind of...nutball."
Buffy realized then how hard this must have all been for her, being physically and emotionally cut off from the woman that she loved must have been so hard. "Oh, Will." She sighed, stroking a soft cheek. "I'm so sorry. I wish you hadn't have had to go through that. I wish I had stopped Faith the right way the first time."
"You can't blame yourself for that, Buffy. You didn't know that was going to happen, anymore than I knew it was going to be Faith standing there when I answered the door." Willow realized then that any 'if onlys' were futile, they couldn't go back and rewrite time after all, nor could they change the way things had transpired. The only thing that really mattered, then, was that somehow, miraculously, they had found their way back to each other. "We can't think of what might have been if we'd just done things differently. That kind of thinking tends to give me a headache. I think I just want to revel in the fact that I got you back." She grinned at her then, one of those shy, sly numbers that made Buffy's heart flip in her chest.
"I think I'd like that." Buffy said huskily, agreeing with the Wiccan's words. Threading her fingers through red hair, Buffy brought her closer for a kiss, letting her mouth speak through body language what she didn't ever think she'd be able to say verbally.
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
They spent the rest of the evening wrapped up in each other, giving in to their need for closure and closeness, their every thought wrapped up and consumed by the other.
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now.
They gave themselves free rein, allowing each other to play with their most intimate and intense fantasies, or simply just relaxing in the feel of being with each other. By the time dawn rolled around, the couple was feeling a lot more secure in each other, in their re-established link, and the love that they felt.
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
Willow kissed Buffy gently, sleepily, as she felt her exhaustion finally take precedence over her physical needs. Buffy smiled peacefully into her lover's face, noticing the way the eyelids were drooping, then gently urged the redhead to lie down, smiling as she felt her relax on her chest, her hair soft against her skin.
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
She sighed as she her hand trailed gentle circles on her lover's back, her mind slipping peacefully into a state of drowsiness. She had her memory back, had her wife in her arms, and knew her daughter was a few short months from being born. What could be better than this? she asked herself reflectively. She couldn't come up with a single thing, though she considered the question for about half a second.
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
The soft sounds of her wife sleeping comforted her as she edged toward sleep, her eyes drifting shut, the last image she took with her into dreamland was a vision of her wife's face relaxed and care free, lying contentedly on top of her.
(It's all coming back to me now)
"Good night, Will." She whispered, just before her own eyes closed and she slipped into a dreamless sleep, truly content for the first time in a long time that everything was right in her world.
And if we...
The archangel Shyfox, taunter of the list and creater of most consecutive cliffhangers,
mistress of the warm-fuzzy and evil mind corrupter.