Empty
by mike
[reviews]
Title — Empty.
By mike (wizathogwarts@yahoo.com)
RATING: PG.
DISCLAIMER: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all characters belong to
Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox.
FEEDBACK: Constructive comments are encouraged.
SUMMARY: Willow has a different kind of day. This is an AU fic with an alternative Buffy.
The day started just like so many other days.
Days of waning hope that something, ANYTHING, would happen to fill this gaping emptiness I have inside me.
Maybe Xander would finally look at me today and see something different.
Maybe he would look at me with something more than apathy in his eyes.
Something like desire, want, lust.
Yes, I would settle for lust.
At least it would show that I was lust worthy, that someone would want me even in such a base way.
Xander lusted after everything female, everything but me.
What does that say about me?
That I'm not female.
Not desirable, not anything but Willow.
That's me alright, Willow Rosenberg, big fat nothing, well... more like stick figure nothing Willow Rosenberg.
And Xander, my oldest friend, since we were little kids.
I'd come to rely on his goofish, gentle way to ease the longing inside.
A longing I began to fill with fantasy.
Romantic, heartwarming fantasies of Xander loving me with unbounded devotion.
Fantasies that crash onto the rocks of his male adolescent hormones.
Like right now, as he picks himself off the ground after crashing into the stair railing in front of school.
Crashing because all his attention was focused on the backside of a new girl.
A new girl wearing a skirt so short I'm sure it's illegal in most southern states. Her trim legs fully exposed for all to desire.
I simply smile at Xanders' foolishness.
The other standard in my day is humiliation.
A simple stop for a drink of water results in a flaming from Cordelia.
Miss I'm so perfect and popular how dare I exist in her perfect little world.
And miss flashy legs is with her.
Just perfect, humiliation with an audience.
I look at her, miss flashy legs, expecting disdain or the cruel look of enjoyment at the pain Cordelia was causing.
But the look on her face is anything but what I expect.
No appearance of callous enjoyment at my discomfort.
Instead she looks shocked at the words coming from Cordelia.
She's definitely new.
And as she looks at me I almost think she's going to say something, maybe something to defend me.
But she doesn't.
Her eyes, a beautiful green only look sad, almost as if she knows my pain.
I lock my eyes to hers for a moment.
Something indefinable passes between us.
It's just a moment where I forget Cordelia's attack.
Just a moment where I forget how empty I am inside.
A moment that is quickly gone as I turn and flee in a panic.
At the end of the corridor, I turn and look at her once more.
She's looking right at me again.
A maelstrom of confusion propels my body away.
Something different is happening today.
But something strange, confusing.
I sense I'm opening my lunch bag as I sit alone outside but it's a distant awareness, like breathing.
I'm only really aware of the confusion.
Chaotic feelings that can't be grasped or comprehended.
Feelings that lance my emptiness with icy cold and flaming heat at the same time.
Chaos put in stasis with the sound of a voice.
"Uh, hi, Willow, right?"
"Why? I-I mean, hi! Uh, did you want me to move? The winds of confusion roar within me as I offer the expected response.
"Why don't we start with, 'Hi, I'm Buffy,' and, uh then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favor."
She's moving towards me.
I'm frozen, not as in like ice frozen.
I just can't move and everything stops as she sits right next to me.
"It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while."
Good thing, 'cause I can't, move that is.
My brain unfreezes and only one question is on my mind.
"But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?"
"I can't do both?"
The confusion on her face sparks a warmth inside.
I am compelled to rectify her misunderstanding.
"Not legally."
That should clear things up.
She exhales softly.
Her face holds me captive.
Time has no meaning.
The universe keeps cadence with her words.
"Look, I really wanna get by here, new school, and... Cordelia's been really nice... to me... but we both know she's a bitch. Anyway, I kinda have this burning desire not to flunk all my classes, and I heard a rumor that you were the person to talk to if I wanted to get caught up."
Wow, did she just call Cordelia a bitch?
She really catches on quick.
And burning desire.
Would she recognize mine?
If so, she could clue me into what it is.
Confusion takes a back seat as I'm given my torch.
"Oh, I could totally help you out! And since you figured Cordelia out so quick it should be a snap. Uh, I have sixth period free, we could meet in the library?"
She hesitates, a worried look on her face.
"Or not. Or we could meet and go to my place where we won't be interrupted. If you don't already have plans that is."
Plans?
Do I have plans?
If I did, their nowhere to be heard.
Alone with her.
Her soft voice.
I lower my gaze.
And her flashy legs.
Oh god, why these thoughts.
I don't understand these feelings.
I feel trapped in a roaring current.
Suddenly, heat and I'm pulled to safety.
Her hand is on my cheek.
So soft,
So warm.
I'm melting...
"Uh, Willow. If I'm messing up any plans you have, it's OK. We can maybe schedule something later?"
NO!
"Oh no! No plans. Maybe later this evening but after school at your place is fine, better than fine. The not being interrupted is probably a good idea. So, not a problem. Nope, no problem at all."
She smiles.
Her eyes twinkle with warm amusement.
I smile from within and it travels to my face.
Her eyes expand,
taking in my happy expression.
"You probably get this a lot, but you have the most beautiful smile."
Did she say beautiful?
She's talking to me and described something about me that is beautiful.
Warmth, deep down inside.
I'm melting in places I didn't even know existed.
Coolness returns as her hand leaves my face.
My smile remains.
She thinks it's beautiful.
"Uh, no, not a lot. Well not a lot as in not much and that's a distant relative to not ever. So, no. Never been told that before."
But I wouldn't mind hearing it some more.
"Well you should."
She hesitates now.
Looking for something in my eyes.
She smiles.
Warmth covers my face.
She found something.
Will she share?
"You should hear it a lot. Not only your smile, but the total you because you are beautiful."
She SHARED!
But what is she sharing.
What did she find?
She thinks I'm beautiful.
Oh no.
She's out of her mind.
"Buffy, uh... please don't take this the wrong way, but... well it's really nice to hear uh... all the nice things you're saying... but, well you don't have to pay me compliments just so I'll help you. I like helping people, so you don't really need to lie to make me feel better or to get my help."
The sadness returns.
It's so deep in her eyes.
"Willow, I don't know what happened to make you feel this way about yourself. And I don't understand why you think I would lie. But I'm going to make something perfectly clear to you right now. I don't lie. At least not to people I c... not to my friends. And you are my friend, at least I hope you are. I may hide some things, things I can't talk about, but if you are my friend, I will never lie to you."
Friend?
If I tell her I'm her friend will that make what she said true?
Or will only things she says after be true since it wasn't established that we were friends when she said it?
I want.
"Yes, friends. I want to be your friend and I would very much like you to be mine... uh, friend that is, my friend."
The smile is back.
Warmer than ever.
I wait expectantly, not admitting I'm waiting.
To hear her speak.
The words with BEAUTIFUL.
"Well, now that that's settled. And for the record, you have the MOST BEAUTIFUL SMILE and you are BEAUTIFUL. And just to make sure you understand. You're adorable too."
Air leaves my lungs.
Must have been holding my breath.
She doesn't lie to friends.
I'm her friend.
She thinks I'm beautiful,
and adorable too.
She believes.
Can I believe too?
"Well I still think you're a bit crazy. But crazy in a nice, wonderful way. And since you look the way you do I know you know what beautiful is since you are."
Her mouth twitches.
Her eyes glint.
Mischievous is her face.
"There you go. You're so beautiful..."
Pause, her voice drops low and dare I say...
sexy?
"you drive me crazy."
Oh WOW!
Exploding head.
I can still see.
How can I see?
I just felt myself explode.
Or maybe implode.
I don't know up.
I don't know down.
I just know beauty all around.
And the empty...
It's gone.
Nowhere to be found.