Anywhere But Here
by Kirayoshi
[reviews]
Disclaimers; Joss created them, 20th Century Fox owns them, I'm just giving them a happy ending.
Spoilers; Up to "Chosen", plus some reports I've heard regarding 'Angel' season 5.
Feedback; Oh why not? JDMeans@aol.com
Summary; Where will Buffy go now that she can go anywhere? And how will she know when she is where she needs to be?
Anywhere But Here
By Kirayoshi
"Boy Mercury shootin' through every degree
Ooh girl dancin' down those dirty and dusty trails
Take it hip to hip, rocket through the wilderness
Around the world the trip begins with a kiss
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without wings, without wheels
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without anything but the love we feel."
--The B-52s
"Roam"
Passages from the Weblog of Buffy Anne Summers;
July 11, 2003
Somewhere along the Mediterranean coastline
Back when I was a junior at Sunnydale High School—back when there was still a Sunnydale High School—hell, back when there was still a Sunnydale—I used to play a game with my friends. We would each envision a place where we would like to be, and how we'd spend the time in our destination. We called the game "Anywhere but Here".
That was six years ago.
A lot's happened since then. Graduation, a brief run at college, mom's death, the odd Apocalypse, and of course my final battle with the First.
I won that battle.
And lost my home. And my friends.
Sunnydale's a big crater in the middle of California, Giles relocated to England to rebuild the Council, Willow, Faith and Xander hooked up with the new Slayers in Cleveland, and I'm pretty much out of the life.
I didn't realize it would be my final battle until it was over. As everything I ever knew crumbled around me, I felt numb. I still don't know whether it was the wound that still hurt like hell or just the sight of Sunnydale sinking into the Hellmouth. All I could do was smile.
Until I started laughing.
I guess I must have finally had that long-overdue nervous breakdown. I felt disconnected from my surroundings. I felt the wound in my gut fading, and I knew that I was going into shock. Hands grabbed my shoulders and arms, restraining me and dragging me back onto the bus. A prick on my neck and then nothing.
When I awoke, I found myself in a white-walled room. There were tubes taped to my arm and snaking across the mattress to an IV tube. I heard the steady beep of a heart monitor droning off to the side. I tried to lift myself off the bed, but the steady throbbing pain in my gut sent me back on the bed.
Never did like hospitals.
Giles and Robin told me what had happened, how I became hysterical after the final battle with the First. "Post-traumatic stress disorder" was the diagnosis, compounded by the gash in my gut. Giles informed me that I would probably still have some weakness from that wound for the rest of my life, and that I was hereby relieved of my duties as the Slayer. I didn't feel good about hearing that. Or bad, for that matter. I didn't really feel anything.
Xander and Willow didn't visit me at the hospital. Giles told me they were busy helping the new Slayers relocate. Yeah, tell me another one.
Two days later, I was discharged from the hospital. First thing I did was take Dawn the hell out of the States. Giles had arranged a bank account for me, half a million dollars (didn't know the Council had that kind of green!) with a monthly deposit of five grand from now until I die. Dawn and I thanked him, giving him as big a hug as we could manage, before catching our flight.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Giles was the only one of the gang who saw me off at the airport. Willow finally realized I was the dead weight in her life, I guess, so she's moving on with Kennedy. Away from me and all my baggage.
Always knew she was the smart one.
Giles suggested that I should keep a diary of some sort, so I decided to start this blog, just to put my ramblings into some coherence. For the first time, my life is really my own. I'm not the Slayer, I'm not the Chosen One, I'm just Buffy.
And I have no idea who that person is.
I know that my decision to head for Europe was hasty, but it was one of those things I had to do now or lose my nerve. I have to get away from the life I led, the friends I hurt too many times. I have to get away from the pain and be somewhere else.
Anywhere but here.
First place Dawn and I went was Rome. Mainly because Dad's living there now, and Dawn had decided she wanted to live with him. It struck me a little hard when she announced her decision, but considering how disjointed I've been, I can't say I blame her.
Dad's got a little villa outside of Rome. Nice place, if a little humid. He and his new wife absolutely dote on Dawn, and she's happy. And Dad's insisting that I visit whenever I can. Believe me, I plan to.
Dad and my stepmom are expecting a child now. I'm gonna be a big sister again. Dawn's thrilled at the idea of having someone to boss around. Good luck with the world, Dawnie.
I ended up staying two weeks in Rome. I had planned on staying only a few days with Dad, but something changed between us, big time. He and I had a long talk last night after Dawn went to bed. I decided to tell him the truth about my freaky life, the whole Slayer thing. He beat me to the punch. Turns out that Quentin Travers (I hope he's roasting in Hell) had revealed everything to him just after he and Mom divorced. Dad showed me a letter that Travers had written him. I didn't believe what I had read, even after all the crap the old Watchers' Council had done to me in the past. Travers had blackmailed Dad into drifting away from me. He ordered him to sever all contact with me, effective my eighteenth birthday, and even threatened to kill me if Dad didn't follow Travers' orders. I guess that Travers had hoped to erode my family, to drive Dad away from me and hopefully turn me away from Mom as well. That whole 'the-Slayer-must-fight-alone' line.
I felt a familiar rage rise up within me, like a harbernero pepper lodging itself in my throat, but for once that hate wasn't directed toward Dad. I had spent the last five years hating Dad because I thought he had abandoned me. Now I find out that he was trying to protect me. I don't know yet what this does to Dad and me now, but somehow knowing that he never stopped loving me makes me feel more connected to my life. At some fundamental gut level, I have my family back. My real family.
Dad bought me a laptop computer with a high-speed internet modem, so I can chat with him and Dawn anywhere I go. And he also said that he had spoken with Giles just a couple of months ago, and assured me that Giles was out of the loop regarding Quentin's blackmail scam. Finally Dad said something I never heard him say before; that he was proud of me, of what I had accomplished with my life. We hugged, we cried a lot, then we scarfed some chocolate ice cream. Gelato, the fancy Italian ice cream that costs twice as much in the States.
I got my Dad back. Maybe there's hope for me yet.
After I left Rome, I called up Giles, mainly to burn his ear about Quentin's tearing my dad away from me. Turns out that Giles was unaware that Quentin had even contacted Dad. He was as livid as I was about the whole thing, and vowed that the new Council would never follow Quentin's example. He offered me a position within the Council once I finish my tour of Europe. I told him I'd consider it.
And I will. The first Wednesday after Hell freezes over.
Now I'm kicking back on a beach in Greece. The kind of beach that couldn't possibly exist in California. Glassy white sands, impossibly blue waters, a frozen fruity drink with a little paper umbrella next to my deck chair. Pure decadence, I love it.
Only one thing missing. Someone to share it with.
Someone with red hair, green eyes and the most beautiful smile God ever made.
Someone who probably doesn't even remember what I look like. Or particularly care.
Great, I can't even visit Greece without bringing the pity-party with me!
September 17, 2003
Paris, France
The Louvre was incredible. Never thought I'd get excited about standing around looking at a bunch of paintings, but somehow, just the whole experience was so breathtaking I wanted to just sit down and weep for joy.
The whole building just seemed to breathe history, from the Sculpture exhibits to the galleries of Egyptian and Greek antiquities. I loved the Egyptian exhibits best. As I walked among the sarcophagi, the statues of ancient gods, the artifacts plundered from ancient tombs, I could hear Mom's voice in my head, describing each item and artifact.
In a strange way it felt good. Her corpse is somewhere under a crater that used to be Sunnydale, and here am I in France, finding Mom all over again.
If only I could find my friends again as easily.
Or even myself.
November 2
Venice, Italy
I finally received an online message from the Gang! After chartering a private gondola and touring the city's famous canals, I went back to my hotel to IM Dawn. After chatting with Dawnie and Dad, I was about to log off my connection, a window popped up, inviting me to a chat room labeled "Scooby Gang".
Xeppo: Hey, Buffy! How hangs it?
Buffster1: Xander? Is that you?
Xeppo: None other! Hey, just a sec...
::5by5Grrl has just entered chat room "Scooby Gang"::
5by5Grrl: Hey, B! Long time!
Buffster1: Faith! How are you doing?
5by5Grrl: Keeping busy. I'm the new point girl for the Council. And Cleveland's been jumping with vamps lately.
Xeppo: And I just got back from helping Angel and gang out in LA.
5by5Grrl: This is the first break we've had since we got your IM name, so we thought we'd surprise you.
Buffster1: Thanks, Faith. I miss you guys.
5by5Grrl: There's an easy solution for that problem, Buffy. Meet us here in Cleveland!
Xeppo: Yeah, Buffy. We all miss you here.
Buffster1: Right. ::eyeroll:: Hey, any word from Willow?
Xeppo: She's okay, all things considering.
Buffster1: Considering what?
Xeppo: Kennedy split a couple of months ago.
Buffster1: What? Why?
5by5Grrl: She took Red to meet the parents. K's folks threatened to write her out of their will if she didn't break it off with Red, and suddenly it's "Willow who?"
Buffster1: That B!+(#!!!! I ever see her again, she's gonna have a heart-to-heart with my fist!
Xeppo: Did you just do your wacky mime routine? :)
5by5Grrl: Trust me, the line to beat up K forms right behind me and stretches for two blocks! After what she did to Red, let's just say she don't have any friends here. She left the Slayers right after that and ran back to Daddy, tail firmly tucked between legs.
Xeppo: Willow was hurt at first, but she's feeling better now. But she's lonely. She won't tell me about it, but I think she misses you.
Buffster1: God, I'm sorry I haven't been there for her. But I don't know if she still wants to see me again. A lot of bad stuff happened between us toward the end.
Xeppo: Between all of us, Buffy. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry I turned my back on you.
5by5Grrl: Same here, B. You did what you thought was right, and that's never a bad thing.
Buffster1: Thanks, Faith. But don't forget, you're the slayer now, not me.
5by5Grrl: No, B. I'm 'a' slayer, not 'the' slayer.
Xeppo: Hey, if you want to contact Willow, her IM name's RedWiccan. Really, you should talk to her, Buffy.
Buffster1: I'll try, Xander.
We chatted long into the night. I told them about my adventures in Europe, although Faith was disappointed that I didn't have any juicy stories about any Italian gigolos. The sad fact is that I've been celibate as a monk since Sunnydale fell. I've made too many mistakes in that regard to jump into the dating pool any time soon. And the weird part is, I don't miss it.
I'm starting to think that my experience with Spike might have turned me off to sex altogether. The other week I took in the sun while walking the beaches of San Marino. Apart from a few overweight and over-pale tourists, there were quite a few available local males. Not just available, but from every physical standard desirable. Sculptured chests, chiseled abs, and more than a few Speedo swimsuits that left very little to the imagination. And I could tell that some of the more attractive males were giving my bikini-clad form the eye.
And I felt no desire for any of them.
Zip. Nada. Total turn-off here.
After I said my goodbyes to Xander and Faith, I typed in RedWiccan on my IM window, only to find that she wasn't logged in. I considered leaving a message, but decided to try again later.
That was six hours ago. I tried to IM her again, three different times, but she still wasn't online. Or she was online but didn't want anyone to contact her.
Or she just didn't want me to contact her.
Stupid IM.
I'm beginning to feel that need to be elsewhere again. Happens to me a lot lately. As beautiful as Venice is, it's not home to me. I don't really have a home, not anymore. Oh sure, Dad said that I'll always be welcome in his place, and seeing Dawn is always great, but it isn't the same. And I don't really want to visit them yet anyway.
All I know is that I want to travel again. To see more of this world that I've busted my hump to save on a regular basis. To go somewhere, anywhere.
Anywhere but here.
January 7, 2004
Florence, Italy
The last few months, I've been gravitating around Italy. At first I thought it was my passion for linguini, or just wanting to be near Dawn and Dad. But after this afternoon, I'm thinking that the PTB was having one last laugh at my expense.
Or maybe giving me a final gift.
I had located a sidewalk café that, I'm guessing, caters to businesses, because when I asked, the waiter pointed to a phone-jack on my table, so I could go online while having lunch. My first thought was to contact Dawnie and tell her my latest travel adventures. But two seconds after my internet service kicked in, a chat-window chimed into being on my screen, from the one name I had been anxious to see for months;
RedWiccan: Buffy, Hi! :)
Buffster1: Willow?
RedWiccan: Miss me?
Buffster1: You have no idea! I've thought of you every day since we left Sunnydale!
RedWiccan: Yeah, me too.
RedWiccan: Missed you, that is.
RedWiccan: I mean, I can't really miss me, since I'm pretty much around me all the time, right?
RedWiccan: And of course thinking of you too. Which makes me miss you more, so it's kind of a vicious cycle.
RedWiccan: I'm babbling again, am I?
I had to smile reading that. Willow's in babble-mode and all's right with the world!
Buffster1: Hey, Xander told me about Kennedy. I'm sorry.
RedWiccan: Why? You hated her as much as she hated you.
I could feel a wave of cold shoulder coming off my screen then. Okay, I deserved, that, I guess.
Buffster1: You loved her, Willow, that's what matters. I'm just sorry that she treated you so shabbily.
RedWiccan: I understand, Buffy. And no, I didn't really love her. It took me a while to realize it, but I was using her as a surrogate Tara. Besides, when her parents threatened to write her out of their will, it dawned on me that I was dating an early-model Cordy!
Buffster1: A fate worse than death!
RedWiccan: Tell me about it! LOL! At least things didn't get too far between us. Oh, didja hear? Xander and Cordy are back together!
Buffster1: You're kidding!
RedWiccan: AFAIK Cordy was in the hospital for a while, and decided to leave Angel's company when she recovered. She said something about him joining the enemy, whatever that means. She met with Xander shortly after that and they hit it off again! I think they're talking a spring wedding.
Buffster1: Send me digital pics when it happens!
RedWiccan: I'm sure Xander will invite you when they set the date.
Buffster1: I dunno, Willow. I've felt so out of the loop lately. I don't know if Xander really thinks of me as a friend anymore. Especially after being around me cost him his eye.
RedWiccan: Okay, stop that right now. What happened to Xander wasn't your fault. Blame Caleb, blame the First, but don't blame yourself.
Buffster1: I wish it was that easy, Willow. But I've made so many mistakes the last few years or so.
RedWiccan: Of the two of us, which one actually tried to destroy the world?
Buffster1: Okay, so I'm not the only one to make mistakes. Doesn't make what I did any less stupid.
RedWiccan: Buffy, the only way what you did would be stupid would be if you didn't learn from the experience.
RedWiccan: That's what I had to learn when Giles hooked me up with that coven in Devonshire. I needed to realize what I had done wrong with my life.
Buffster1: Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But it's been months since then and I still don't feel right. I've been bumming around Europe since then, but for all the miles I've logged I'm still no closer to where I need to be.
RedWiccan: And where is that, Buffy?
Buffster1: I dunno, not really. Home, maybe? Some kind of closure on my Slayer-life? Am I making sense?
RedWiccan: Yeah, you are. I felt that disconnection myself. I did some traveling too. Only I didn't bring my computer with me.
Buffster1: I was wondering why I couldn't IM you.
RedWiccan: I went back to Devonshire, spent some more time with my Sisters at the Coven. Mainly to meditate, center myself again.
Buffster1: Maybe I should try that.
RedWiccan: Nah, you're more the physical type. Which is good, it's just a different mental place.
Buffster1: Maybe that's what I need, to kick some undead @$$ again?
RedWiccan: Sounds like you're fighting plenty of demons already. The same demons you've been fighting since I first met you. Your own self-image, your sense of responsibility, the guilt you tend to feel over things you have no control of.
Buffster1: Yeah, those demons won't go away!
RedWiccan: Try fighting them among your friends.
Buffster1: Remember when we used to play "Anywhere But Here"?
RedWiccan: Yeah, and I always imagined eating ziti in Florence with John Cusack.
Buffster1: I'm in Florence right now, Willow. You should see it. I'm at this gorgeous café in Florence right now, overlooking the waterfront.
RedWiccan: Buffy, would you do me a favor?
Buffster1: Anything, Willow.
RedWiccan: Look behind you.
For a moment, I wondered what she meant, but as I glanced over my shoulder I knew. A young woman with shoulder-length pale red hair, highlighted in gold from the Italian sun, stood up from a desktop computer, smiled at me and walked toward my table. I blinked repeatedly as the one-two punch of recognition hit me. Willow Rosenberg, hacker, Wiccan, big gun, best friend, strode casually toward me, her eyes alight with happiness.
She sat in the vacant seat next to mine, and said, "John Cusack couldn't make it. But you'll do just fine."
I started to chuckle at my best friend, causing her to glare at me slightly. "Something funny, Buffy?" she asked pointedly.
I composed myself long enough to answer her; "I remembered to order the ziti!"
I'm sure we made quite a sight for the locals, two goofy American girls laughing uproariously at a joke only they would understand. When the waiter arrived with my ziti, he flashed me a knowing wink, and offered Willow a menu.
We talked for a long time, just sharing stories of our travels, then making plans for the future. For the first time since leaving Dawn in Rome, I felt the need to think beyond tonight. I felt more at peace with my world than I had in years, just being around my best friend. My home.
That was what I needed to find. My home, in the person of Willow Rosenberg.
We'll be touring Italy together for a few more weeks, and she said something about wanting to visit Ireland, which I'm starting to look forward to myself. Soon we'll head back to the States, and probably hook up with Giles and the new Council. Where I once felt the need to simply get away, I now felt the need to be part of something again.
But for now, with Willow's hand in mine as we walk down the sunlit streets of Florence, I can't think of any place I'd rather be.
Anywhere, but here.
"Now a life of leisure and a pirate's treasure
Don't make much for tragedy,
But it's a sad man my friend who's living in his own skin
And can't stand the company.
Every fool's got a reason to feeling sorry for himself
And turning his heart to stone.
Tonight this fool's halfway to heaven and just a mile outta hell
And I feel like I'm coming home!
These are better days, baby,
There's better days shining through,
These are better days,
Better days with a girl like you
These are better days, baby,
These are better days it's true,
These are better days,
Better days are shining through!"
--Bruce Springsteen
"Better Days"