Addiction
by UrbanGoth
Getting In The Habit
[reviews]
AUTHOR: Megan
RATING: PG (it'll progress)
PAIRING: Buffy/Willow
DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
FEEDBACK: Please.
NOTES: I'm not sure how many chapters this is going to have so bear with me. Takes place after OMWF. Paragraphs encased in ********* indicates flashbacks.
1. Getting In The Habit.
**********
It had, by far, been the worst day in any of her lives, despite the gaity of the music and dancing. Xander had meant for a bit of fun, something to lift peoples' spirits. It worked something close to that... except spirits weren't lifted, just deeply unsettled.
Sweet was right. They had beaten him and banished him, she knew, but really, he had won. All the things that had been kept inside, every doubt, every pain, every secret, had bubbled to the surface, boiling over and drowning everyone.
Of course, it's not as if she hadn't seen it coming. The moment she woke, choking on claustraphobia and the smell of her own rotting flesh in her special box, Buffy knew this would be one of the hardest years yet. Maybe ever.
She picked her way between the headstones and sensed a familiar presence. Not a threatening one. Superficially, it was loving and kind but awkwardly so, as if it shouldn't be. It wasn't exactly obvious but the blond had been growing used to the feeling recently, she had set the precedent, so she found it to be quite agreeable. Yet underneath the agreeability lay something else, something darker. Something powerful. It had been growing for a while and Buffy recognised it without even thinking. It was evil.
But still she never made a move to hurt it, or get rid of it. She let it sit there and fester until it started to grow, daunting and threatening. She knew, but didn't care. And she ignored it, even though it was walking behind her this very minute, she made no move to drive it off.
Keeping pace she looked to the grass, trying to avoid looking at the one person she didn't need right then. After all the singing and the kissing she just didn't need this. Buffy knew it was just concern, but still, as it had been these gruelling months, she knew but didn't care.
"Willow you shouldn't be out here." Her tone of voice was preoccupied but deeply pained.
"We have to talk." Buffy stopped walking and sighed, turning to the redhead.
"About what?"
"We kissed, Buffy."
*********
Red curls cascaded down her face accompanying the tears as she huddled against the furniture. Everything in her vision was blurred. Even the real reason for crying was unclear now, there were so many. Much like how the real reason Tara was leaving her was unclear now... there were so many. Tara knew of the magic, Tara knew of the addiction and she knew of the kiss.
Willow cringed every time she heard the opening of another drawer, or the unveiling of another coathanger, she flinched every time she caught a muffled cry, from Tara or Dawn, but mostly she cried. She cried for herself and how things used to be. Willow knew Tara was right. She cried because the magic had her. She almost had everybody killed today. Including Buffy. But she needed it. And she cried because she wasn't strong enough to even think of giving up.
Yet, really, she knew she was crying because it was falling to pieces. The foundations had been so strong and the building was done quickly but efficiently so there had been no cause for concern before. Then she found a crack in it and one side gained a hole, and another and another, until, eventually, it came to it's current state, long past condemnation. All it would take now is a strong gust of wind and the relationship she had with Buffy would collapse.
*********
"So?" It was almost impossible to stop her voice from betraying her. Almost impossible to make Willow think that she really didn't care, that it didn't matter in the slightest. That she was caught in the moment. Honestly, she didn't even know if she had managed. Willow was the one person who could read her.
At least, that's how it used to be.
"Oh, come on, Buffy. I know you. I know you better than anyone. Especially now. And I know that it can't not matter to you."
"Will, that was one of the strangest days of my life. I got caught up in it. In the music and the dancing. I can't even remember kissing you really. It was a spur of the moment thing."
*********
She sat and stared vacantly at the back of the bar. It had gotten quite new age around here at the Bronze. The back wall was a silvery-grey metal, steel maybe. The reflections in it were a little blurry but that doesn't matter when the last thing in the world you want to do is look at yourself. Guess it's a bonus. And if you stare hard enough you can rearrage previous happenings to your liking, almost seeing it in the cold metallic light.
********
"That's all well and good but something like this can't be ignored. It happened for a reason. Maybe not love-"
"No not love." Buffy agreed quickly.
Willow caught herself and stopped in the midst of her last sentence. "Why?"
"What?" asked Buffy, confused.
"Why?" Willow's brow was furrowed and she was staring accusedly at the slayer. "Why couldn't it be love?"
"Because it's you." Buffy faultered a little, mentally kicking herself. That was the wrong thing to say and she really didn't want to head down the road she knew Willow would take. "And me."
"And just exactly what is wrong with me?"
*********
She couldn't take the noises anymore, knowing what they meant. Couldn't stay and listen to Tara leave her. She had to get out. Willow grabbed a coat, ran down the stairs and exited into the night, heading for somewhere to drown the thoughts and make her forget about the days events. She had the power to make herself forget, or even to delay time and rectify everything, make sure she did the spell right. Of course, judging by the mess she'd gotten herself into today, the dangers of doing some permanent damage to her mind lingered strongly in her thoughts. Guessing she'd have to just rely on alcohol this time, she headed over to the Bronze, still thinking about the kiss.
It was as if it satiated her need for the magic. It made her forget about it and, as much as she regretted it, she wanted it again.
It didn't even cross her mind that all she was doing with her addiction was replacing it with another.
*********
"Are you saying you couldn't love me like that?"
"No, that's not what I meant, you know th-"
Willow cut her off sharply. "Ever think that you're the one with that problem?" Buffy stared at her best friend. "Ever think that maybe it's you that just can't love? Or just won't."
*********
Buffy stood to make her way to the bathroom, trying desperately to dismiss what Willow had said before she had walked away and left her in the cemetery. Buffy knew she could love and remembered what the first slayer had told her and that she was right. She had the greatest capacity for love.
But Willow was right too, she wouldn't love. It was fear that held her back. Everyone she loved too dearly was put in danger, their life on the line. All love had taught her was that death exists and is more powerful than anything else.
It was the first time she had really felt alive since she had risen. To feel someone against her so close was all she wanted. Anyone. Willow had been there and it seemed like a good idea at the time. There really wasn't love behind the kiss, just need. Need must be safer than love.
Next thing, she was pulling away to look at Willow, to guage her reaction, and begin kissing her again, clinging to her, with one sentence resonating through her head:
'Things are never going to be the same again.'