Addiction
by UrbanGoth
Deterioration
[reviews]
5. Deterioration - Part (a): Rock Bottom
They stood in silence, each waiting for the other to start talking.
"Buffy?" Came a call from downstairs.
"Yeah, Dawn?"
"Xander called. Asked if you were up to research. If no-one's gonna be in I'll just head to Janice's house, k?"
"Okay. I'll just get dressed. Remember to take a stake with you." She called to the younger Summers and, after passing an apologetic glance to Willow, retreated back into her room.
Willow stood dejectedly for a second and headed downstairs to call Amy.
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She could feel her capillaries expanding with every white-hot drop of water. It should be scalding her, might just be, but Willow could barely feel it. 'Strawberry'. It was the only word she could feel, all she could taste. She could hear him still. 'You taste... like strawberries.' She cried into the shower, shuddering. Her hands pushed against the tiles and she noticed how pink they were, tender and innocent. They looked so young and clean. Looking down, she studied the rest of her body. Her legs were smooth and clean, her stomach was a clean, milky white.
Clean, everything was clean. On the exterior. Her pure exoskeleton. It was an image she had never shaken - the responsible, virginal, good girl. Only a few years ago she had tried to rid herself of it. But now, how she cried for it. Beneath her outer shell, she could feel a dirt running with her blood.
Willow knew it was wrong to want them again, but she craved Rack's spells. They took her from herself, rid the witch completely of feeling dirty. She had writhed on the ceiling, lost in her own world of natural, green happiness. Everything was fresh and the smell of pine had invaded her nostrils. It wasn't like when she did her own spells. She had to control herself a little then, had to govern how much power she was using and where it was coming from. With Rack, there was no research, no preliminaries, no governing. She just let herself go, he did the work. She didn't have to think about what she was doing. Willow could run with her imagination, fly with the feeling of freedom.
The shower cap was turned and she pulled on a red bathrobe after the water had stopped. It would have been easy to change in the blink of an eye, to change everything, but the redhead couldn't bring herself to do it. She was cold and tired from the all-nighter and guilt wracked her entire body.
Stumbling into her room, she spied a cardboard box. 'TARA,' it said. She dipped into it and ever so gently brought out a sweater and skirt, careful not to taint it. She thumbed the soft material and tried not to drip her tears onto it. Willow laid them on the bed and waved her hand over the items, beckoning them to awaken. She watched as they filled with air, wishing that she could replicate everything. She missed Tara's hair, long golden locks. She used to bury her nose in them. Tara always smelled of summer picnics in a meadow, her eyes were the blue of the sky and her smile as soft as the clouds.
Willow leaned into the airy arms of the sweater and huddled against it's torso, and, reclining back, cried herself to sleep, desperately searching for the heartbeat that left her so alone so long ago.
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"Ow." She flipped the beige mess over in the pan, burning her fingers. "Ow, ow! Ow."
"Or you could do it the hard way." Willow suggested casually.
Dawn withdrew her fingers from her mouth. "Spatulas are for wimps." She stated. "I'm making peanut-butter-and-banana quesadillas. You want?"
Willow's brow furrowed, but it didn't last long. Even that took energy. "No thanks. I'm, uh, in water mode." She reached for the water and trudged over to a stool at the island.
"Ow. Ow. Ow. You sure? It's my own brand-new invention."
"I'm sure. No, my... tummy's feeling kinda rumbly." She sipped at her water and watched the young girl take a bite of the very messy-looking supposed foodstuff. She hadn't spoken to Dawn for what seemed like years. Back when Tara and she were together and everything was right in the world, Willow and Dawn shared a bond. Dawn always had a strange enthusiasm for school, much like Willow had, and they shared an interest in magick, even though the redhead's was a more mature and experience interest. Her mind lapsed to when Dawn had asked Willow and Tara about a spell to bring her mother back. She took another sip from the bottle and sighed inwardly. That whole episode was stirring. Not to mention dangerous. That day, she had vowed to keep Dawn safe from the magicks. The goofy grin Dawn always wore reminded Willow of her old self, she saw a lot of the Old Willow in Dawn.
"Your loss. Very delicious." She flashed a grin at the witch and climbed onto a stool next to her. "Buffy called. Said she was going straight from the Magic Box to do some patrolling."
"Oh, did she need help?" The witch asked guiltily.
"No, she was just calling to check in. For like the tenth time today. I think she's feeling all Joan Crawford 'cause of the other night."
"Yeah, about that, I'm.. I'm really sorry." More guilt. "I shouldn't have assumed Buffy would be here."
The teenager grinned again, putting Willow at ease just the tiniest bit. "Right. Assume would make you an ass out of me. Heh, um, or, uh, something. Anyway, please, it's cool. I mean, it's not like I even needed Tara to stay over. I'm so totally fine on my own." Willow smiled at her, nodding. "But," her tone grew nervous, "you are gonna be around tonight, right?"
"Right, totally! Uh, we can do something if you want. A movie maybe?"
Dawn's face lit up. "Really? But I thought you weren't feeling so good?"
"Well... nothing a little Dawnie time won't fix. If you feel like baggin' the peanut butter, I'll even buy you dinner."
"Thank GOD!" She pulled the plate from the table and headed for the bin. "Remind me never to invent that again. Yecch." She dumped her creation in the trash.
Willow, in a pensive moment, decided that she was never going to let Dawn take the path that she had chosen, and that from today onwards, the bond that she had broken would be repaired.
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The door swung open into the thick darkness of the house and Buffy made her way in, heading for the stairs.
"Hello? Dawn?" No answer. Buffy checked a 'No Dawn' off her mental list. It had been a long night of patrol and, figuring Dawn was at Janice's, all she needed now was to check off an 'APRS'. Hearing a sharp movement upstairs, she began to climb to the first floor.
"Willow?" Called the slayer, reaching the top step. Still no answer. Either something was wrong or Willow was playing quite a kinky game. She wouldn't put it past the witch either. Buffy used to be the experienced one but when it comes to sex with women, well... Willow definitely had the upper hand now. Her ears caught a muffled sound from Willow's room and her spidey-sense kicked in. Immediately, her footing changed, she barely made a sound, and she crept through her friend's door. The lid of the chest Willow kept her supplies in was thrown open and various magick related items were strewn across the floor.
A creak. Buffy whirled around and caught the girl by her collar, crushing her against the wall. Amy.
"What's going on?"
"Uh-oh." Amy let out a little nervous laugh. "Busted."
Buffy shook her hard. "Where's Willow?"
"She said - she said I, I-I could-" Buffy grabbed at the preciously guarded object beneath Amy's hands, whatever it was. "Wait!"
"What is this?" She questioned.
"It's not what you think it is, it's sage!" Amy was almost in a panic. Buffy wrestled the small, herb-filled, plastic bag free of her grip and smelled it.
"That is what I think it is." She threw it aside and retained her hold on the ex-rat. "What's going on? Where's Willow and Dawn?"
Amy rubbed her arm anxiously. "I ... I saw - I saw her, but that was - I like your coat. When does the slayer find time to shop?"
Buffy shook her against the wall again. "So they didn't let you in?"
"Not that they know of."
"What else did you take?"
She shook her head vehemently. "Nothing." And felt the wall slam into her back. "Ow!"
"What else?!" The slayer held her in a steel gaze then began to search her pockets.
"Please! Please." Buffy pulled out various plastic bags and glass vials from Amy's clothing. "I need this stuff. Willow wants me to have it, she understands."
"Understands what? Breaking into someone's house for kitchen spices?" She tossed the items to the floor. "No, I don't think so."
"You should. She's as bad as I am, worse. Bet she's at Rack's right now."
Buffy paused, staring at the girl quizzically. "Rack's?"
"A place. He does spells, heavy stuff." Buffy waited as her face twisted into a resentful disgust. "Willow's his new favourite." Jealousy. The blond knew jealousy when she saw it. She almost felt sorry for Amy. For all the things to be concerned about at the minute, she favoured this. Makes you wonder just how lonely the girl must be...
"She's there?" Slammed Amy harder. "With Dawn?"
"Ohh, don't shake me again. Super strength. I think I'm gonna boot."
"Then tell me where this place is, and I won't." It seemed like a reasonable suggestion.
"Well, it's downtown, but it moves."
"What do you mean, it moves?" Buffy retorted incredulously.
"It's downtown, I'm, I'm not sure where it would be tonight exactly-" Cogs began to turn in the slayer's mind.
"But you could find out?"
"You just kinda have to feel it out ... oh god, I think I'm gonna-" The witch took off for the bathroom and threw up. Buffy casually followed her in and patted her on the back a couple of times. Hard. She waited until Amy had washed her mouth out.
"So you can feel it?"
"Yeah, well, you kinda have to be in with the magick circle and all-"
"Which is why you're gonna take me." She grabbed the other girl's collar, hauled her out of the bathroom and they exited the house, Amy reluctantly leading an extremely pissed off Buffy to the one person the witch resented the most.
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She huddled in the corner near a scabby chair, avoiding the smell radiating from the guy next to her. She glanced at the clock.
10:05.
[So much for the movie.]
10:35.
[Come on Willow.]
11:00
[For God's sake. I just wanna go home. It's not like I'm asking much.]
Dawn sat on the edge of the chair. Willow had been in there for nearly two hours now. What in hell could she be doing? Dawn shifted on the chair again. There was a part of the cushion missing from the edge and the uncovered plastic dug into her butt. The guy on the sofa had been inching closer and closer since ten to eleven and now he was close enough to smell. Granted that wasn't that close, but it was very pungent.
Finally, Willow emerged from the room. Thank god.
"Do you know how long I've wai-"
Her eyes were black, her head was swaying and there was a silly grin playing on her face. She looked completely out of her tree.
"What's wrong with you?"
Willow grinned wider. "Nothing." She headed towards the door. "Let's go catch that movie."
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They had been walking for a good while now, trying to feel out this 'wandering' place. Amy was shaking slightly. Possibly cold, possibly fear, Buffy didn't care and didn't feel guilty that she didn't care. Besides, she got the feeling that Amy was stalling, but then, leading the Slayer to his place of illegal business probably wasn't the best way to score brownie points with your dealer.
"Where is it? You're not helping yourself here Amy." Buffy said threateningly. "By all means, stall me, but if anything, ANYTHING, happens to Dawn while you're just leading me on a dumb tour of the alleys of Sunnydale, I don't care what the rules say - I will kill you." Neither girl looked at the other, but kept walking, Amy quickening her pace slightly.
"I swear it's just round he-"
A shrill scream sounded from an alley just ahead of them. Buffy knew intrinsically who it belonged to.
"Dawn!" She took off at a run, leaving Amy in the darkness, going at full speed into a red, hairy
demon. Dawn shot back against the wall and gave Buffy the room she need to fight this thing.
The monster swung at Buffy and it knocked her into the opposing wall. [Not real, my ass.] She got to her feet again and backhanded its jaw. It stumbled back into a pillar and growled at the Slayer.
Then shook a bit. Then convulsed. Then shook violently, making noises. Okay...
"Now you're scared?" She commented, disbelievingly. "Well, better late than never I suppose."
Then it went. Just like that. Exploded into tiny little shiny red bits which floated down to Buffy's feet. For a second, she almost smiled, impressed at herself. Maybe Willow was rubbing off on her in more than one way.
Then she saw her. Fingers crackling, breathing heavily. Her eyes were blacker than ebony and there was none of the emerald green to see. Not a glimpse.
Buffy's eyes betrayed nothing, but inside, she was a mess. Anger. Sympathy. Longing. Lust. Empathy. Disappointment. Love. For the bigger part of the time, she didn't know which she felt for Willow most and it was making her crazy. But right now, she hated what she had become. Hated how she had gotten into this way of life and more so, how she had dragged Dawn into it. How could she have done that? She picked up her sister gingerly, trying not to disturb the fractured arm that Dawn was holding to her stomach with dear life. Willow had rounded the two sisters and stood before them, making apologies. Buffy tried not to look at her, knowing that Willow would see the resentment. Despite it, Buffy still loved her friend, very much, and knew this didn't have to be made harder.
Slap.
Never mind. That probably snapped a twig in Willow that held up a tree. A tree of something.
She fell to her knees. "I'm sorry, Dawnie. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Apparently it was a tree of pride. Tears rolled fiercely down her cheeks. Buffy let go of Dawn, who continued around the corner out of pure bitterness, and stood before Willow, who was still crying apologies to the younger Summers.
Her arms were folded, face resolute.
"Get up." She said. Willow cried more, still on her knees. "I said." Buffy reached for the witch, pulling her to her feet. "Get up."
Willow latched onto Buffy's shoulder and cried into her neck. The resentment inside melted a little as she listened to the softening sobs, feeling the nuzzle at her neck. She put a hand on her friend's back, trying to rub away the pain she knew she couldn't get to.
"Buffy," Willow sniffed, "I need help." She sniffed again and a small sob escaped her. "Please. Please help me."
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They all reached Revello Drive in the pieces they had previously broken into and Buffy had taken Dawn out to the hospital.
Willow sat on her bed, wrapped in a blanket waiting for Buffy's return. She was going to beat this. With Buffy's help, she was going to beat this.
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Deterioration - Part (b): One Last Hit
Buffy entered quietly, and closed the door behind her. She sat on the edge of the bed calmly.
The two sat in awkward comfort, talking about Dawn's condition and what could've happened tonight if Willow had really gone off the rails and done something worse.
"But you didn't. She's ok. Willow, you're not going to get better by beating yourself up about this all your life." Buffy was getting irritated. Her fingers itched from the fight with the demon and the encounter at the hospital. She still didn't like them. Even as she spoke to Willow, her feet twitched and her stomach did turns. She wanted to be doing something. Not just sat here, moving her limbs little by little.
"No but she's not going to get better by me just saying 'Oh, sorry Dawnie, didn't think you'd mind coming along to sit two hours while I get off on the magicks and leave you in a dank smelly waiting room. Oh, yeah and that arm thing.'" Willow's words were bitter with anger at her own callousness and Buffy heard it, and felt pity, but couldn't help shifting a little when Willow mentioned getting off on the magicks.
"That's it Buffy. I'm finished. No more magic." Resolve face was there. She meant it.
They were quiet for a while, both of them staring at the duvet, thinking to themselves. Then Buffy asked Willow an odd question.
"Will? Why did you do it?" Pure curiosity.
"The Magicks?" Willow asked. "If you could be Plain Old Willow or Super Willow, who would you be?" She asked the blond, knowing the real answer.
But Buffy took her by surprise. "No, not that part. Why did you go to Rack?"
Willow shook her head and sighed. "I don't know..." She tried to think of the best way to put it. "It's like, it took me away from myself. I was free. Didn't have to think about anything."
"Kinda like Slaying." Buffy said, staring at the duvet again. "I don't have to think about anything. I just get to feel out the vamps and stake 'em. It's like 'trouble, vamp, poof - no trouble' until I stake him and then it's like 'stake, poof - trouble'."
Willow grimaced but nodded, understanding but mildly confused at all the poofing.
Buffy continued. "That's why I've been patrolling so much, I guess. Leaves me juiced all the time though."
"What is that like? Slayer juice? Is it anything like the magicks? With them it's like I can feel everything. The whole world is at my fingertips. I can change the world if I want to but it would take effort so I just sense everything. All my senses are heightened. I notice everything, I feel everything twice as much as I should."
"That's pretty much what it's like. Like I can feel everything around me. I'm aware of anyone's presence and I can feel what they're feeling a little."
"Oh." Willow shifted ever-so-slightly under the blanket. "That's a bit invasive, isn't it?" She said defensively. "Can... you feel what I'm feeling right now?" She hazarded.
"Not really." Buffy lied. She knew that Willow was, just a little, aroused. She also knew that it was because of the magicks. Could just be wishful thinking, though.
"Oh." Willow repeated.
There was a long pause. Then, unexpectedly, Buffy said: "I'm here for you, Will. We'll get through this. We'll do it together." Without thinking, like old times, Buffy placed a hand lightly on Willow's thigh.
But it wasn't old times. Times had changed, people had changed and with all this change you couldn't just go around touching people's thighs without provoking a reaction of a certain kind.
Immediately, Willow's eyes shot down to the hand and then to Buffy's eyes. The slayer's breathing had become shallow as Willow stared her down. Her skin fired and tingled with the thought of the inevitable. Willow dropped the blanket from her shoulders and placed her hand on Buffy's. The, quiet post-slayage buzz had grown louder now, and filled her. She knew that Willow still had an itch left over from the spells. Buffy's hand moved up the witch's thigh smoothly, quickly as she mounted the bed and met the redhead's lips suddenly, fiercely. Her head spun and her breath caught in her chest. Willow pulled away and moved down to Buffy's neck, kissing and nipping and sucking it, then moved back up to her ear where she nibbled it. She listened to Buffy's breathing and grinned to herself.
"Your heartbeat's very fast." Buffy bit her lower lip as she sat on the witch's lap, feeling Willow's hand move under her top to undo her bra. With one smooth movement, it was unclasped and Willow's hand came to Buffy's side, mirroring the other. They traced her curves firmly, thumb nails scratching the sides of her breasts, teasing her. Buffy moaned somewhere deep in her throat.
"I can hear it in your breathing." Willow advanced from her previous statement, tracing round the slayer's nipples, careful not to touch them yet.
Buffy's hand continued to rub Willow's inner thigh, close to her centre, as the other unbuttoned a pyjama top hastily. Finding flesh, it pushed against it hard, and made it's way around the redhead's chest, feeling the soft, milky skin. Buffy leaned down again to meet Willow's lips and they kissed hotly, neither wanting to stop, ever. Lost in each other.
Willow pulled Buffy's hair free of her pigtails and the blonde tousles fell onto her now bare upper half, tickling her breasts. She pulled Buffy's top off and kissed the slayer hard again, hands buried in a mass of blonde. Buffy pushed her lips against Willow's and they fell back onto the bed with the force, Willow zipping down Buffy's fly, then jeans. Buffy pulled off the pyjama bottoms that stood in her way and threw them to the floor, kissing Willow still with such vehemence she would bruise their lips. Her hand traced the witch's body, through her hair, round her shoulder, over her stomach to her hip bone, finding itself at a fiery nexus. Willow made no move to stop it and shuddered at the contact. Buffy moaned at the feeling under her fingertips and kissed the witch harder, nails scratching at the shoulder, feeling Willow's nails grazing her back. She loved it.
The old friends found themselves once again tangled in each other, giving in to the fire.
The fire which, if not put out soon, would eventually burn them both.
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El fin for now...