Causatum
by sailor80
Nine
[reviews]
Willow rolled onto her side and began heaving. The third time, she retched up dinner. After that came bile and dry heaves. Everything hurt so bad that she didn't notice Buffy holding her hair back, or that both of them were crying. Willow clutched the edge of the mattress and tried not to take a header off the bed.
She felt a slight air movement by her face and opened her eyes just enough to see one trashcan leave and another replace it. Seeing the movement made her heave again. When she was still for a minute, someone — 'Buffy, it's Buffy,' she thought — pulled her up and wiped her face with a cool cloth. Knowing she was safe, Willow let go of consciousness again.
The next time she woke, Willow was on her side with Buffy pressed against her back. Buffy's arms were around her waist, and Willow could tell by Buffy's regular breathing that she was asleep. Willow felt hungover. Every muscle ached, her mouth tasted awful, and her head throbbed with her pulse. Even so, she opened her eyes a little. The first thing she saw was someone sitting in a chair. It took a second to register that it was Tara. Her brain puzzled over it for a second before forming a question. "What are you doing here?" she croaked.
Tara ignored the question. She got up from the chair and took the few steps to the bedside. She got a glass from the night table before kneeling by the bed. She offered the straw to Willow, who raised her head and sucked down a few mouthfuls. The ginger ale burned all the way down. She pulled back and asked again, "What are you doing here?"
"Keeping an eye on you," Tara answered softly.
"Why?" Willow's confusion showed on her face. She laid her head on the pillow.
"Buffy thought it was a good idea after last night."
"Oh," Willow said. Her brain refused to engage any further.
"Wills?" Buffy asked sleepily.
"I'm here," Willow replied.
"How're you feeling?" Buffy moved one hand up to Willow's face.
"Crappy," Willow rasped.
"I'll be back later," Tara said, and left the room.
"What's going on?" Willow asked.
"Bad stuff," was Buffy's succinct answer.
Willow slowly and carefully turned so she could see Buffy. Buffy's eyes were dark and worried. She stroked Willow's cheek and gave her a small, tight smile.
"What?" Willow asked.
"What happened last night?"
"I...I don't know," Willow faltered. She forced herself to try to remember. Her pounding head and queasy stomach got in the way.
"It's okay, we can talk about it later," Buffy said. "Go back to sleep."
"I have class," Willow protested feebly.
"Not today." Buffy's fingers moved in a gentle regular pattern on her cheek. "Rest. I'll be right here with you."
Willow closed her eyes. She was asleep again in moments.
Tara reappeared in the doorway. "Do you want us to stay?" she asked Buffy.
"Please."
"Are you all right?"
Buffy didn't answer. After a few moments, she asked Tara, "How did you bear it?"
Tara sat down before answering. "I kept thinking she would stop."
"Dawn said she didn't do anything. Amy touched her and boom, bad Willow." Buffy ran her fingers through Willow's hair. She looked at Tara, distress evident on her face. "How do I protect her from that?"
"I don't know, Buffy. I loved her with all my heart and that wasn't enough to keep her from" Tara paused for a moment. "From needing more."
Buffy closed her eyes. She was again exhausted and trying not to panic. Willow was in her arms and that should have been enough, but it wasn't. Because Willow was sick again, from magicks again, and it was Buffy's fault, again. Still. No matter how she approached it, at the end of her arguments, it was her fault that Willow needed something that wasn't her, her fault that Willow ever worked magicks, her fault that Willow was again ill and shaking and whimpering in her sleep. "Shh, sweetheart," Buffy whispered in her ear. "I have you. You're safe. I love you."
Willow snapped away and jerked upright. She regretted the move before she completed it. Buffy sat up, too, glad to move. She pulled Willow against her, comforting her with small sounds and gentle touches.
"I'm sorry," Willow said.
"It's not your fault."
"I knew it was going to happen and I didn't do anything to stop it. I wanted it to happen. I'm sorry. I'm bad. I don't deserve you."
"No, Wills."
"I'm just bad."
Tara got up and left. She didn't want to see their intimacy or hear what Willow would trust to Buffy that she hadn't been able to with her.
"No, sweetheart, you're not bad."
"I like it, Buffy," Willow said quietly. "I don't want to, but I do, I like how it feels. I liked how it felt when I killed him."
Do you like how it makes you feel now?" Buffy asked. She stroked Willow's hair.
"No."
"Is it worth it, Wills? Is feeling like that for a little while worth feeling like this?"
"No," Willow admitted, "but I still want it."
"More than this? More than our family?" Buffy paused. "More than us?"
"Sometimes," Willow whispered.
Buffy stroked her hair and stared into space. No matter how her brain played it out, things ended badly. There has to be a way. Willow's voice brought her back to the present.
"I'm sorry, Buffy."
"Stop apologizing, Wills. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I must. Everybody leaves. And I," Willow faltered, "I killed him."
"I'm not leaving, Willow. And Travers deserved it."
"It doesn't make it right."
"He hurt you, Willow. He would have killed you. You weren't in control of yourself. It was his fault. If he had left you alone, it wouldn't have happened."
Willow didn't answer.
"Look at me, Willow." Buffy waited until Willow did as she asked. "I love you. I won't leave you. You aren't bad. You aren't evil." Buffy leaned in and grazed Willow's lips. "You're my Willow. That's all you ever have to be."
Willow closed her eyes and fell against Buffy. Buffy's hands were sure and comforting, and Willow never wanted to be out of them again. She drowned out the voice that said she wasn't good enough with the steady beat of the Slayer's heart. "Say it again," she whispered.
Buffy lifted Willow's face so they were eye to eye. "I love you, Willow. I won't leave you. You aren't bad. You aren't evil. You aren't dirty. You're beautiful and strong and you're mine. I love you."
"You won't leave?" Willow asked in a small, shaky voice.
"I won't leave," Buffy affirmed.
Willow nodded and lowered her head to Buffy's shoulder again. She closed her eyes. Buffy laid them down again and pulled Willow as close as she could. She stayed awake until she was sure Willow was asleep, then closed her eyes and drifted off again.