To Thine Own Self Be True
by mike
The Letter
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Chapter 3
The Letter
I have everything that happened with Merrick written down in a separate journal. My time with Merrick is very personal and special. Someday I will share it, but not now. All I will say is that because of Merrick, I was able to handle the loss of my father.
I will always treasure the times when he was my Dad, but in the last few years, those times were few and far between. And the pain it was inflicting on my mother made me realize that as much as I hated not having both my parents in my life, my mother had suffered enough.
I wanted to know why my parents couldn't get along, but I was afraid to ask. I was afraid that dad couldn't handle that his little girl was a lesbian, a 'dyke'. I knew mom loved me no matter what I was, but I wasn't sure dad would, and I was afraid to find out. I didn't want to be the reason my parents divorced.
But getting back to Merrick, he helped remind me that there are good men out there. That it was possible to trust without having the trust betrayed. He also confirmed for me that trust must be earned and never violated and that to trust was too valuable to be given freely. I know that sounds harsh, but this is life and death. There are no second chances. Enough said about that except for 'The Letter'.
Merrick died for me. He's only supposed to watch, I'm the one who's supposed to die. Actually, I'm supposed to slay. Dying is only supposed to happen if I screw up. And I had screwed up royally. I wasn't ready a Master Vamp. Oh yea, that's what I slay. Get this; I'm Buffy, the vampire slayer. When you finish laughing, feel free to catch up with story when you're ready. Really, it's OK. I still giggle every time is say it. Even though I know better than anyone how unfunny it really is.
Where was I, oh yea, I screwed up. Merrick sacrificed himself so that I could survive to fight another day. I want to share his last words with you. I don't need them written down, they are forever burned into my memory. I just feel better putting them down to remind myself for Merrick, I can't ever give up. I won't allow his death to be meaningless.
"Buffy, I have lived many lives as a Watcher. I've tried to save the best slayers from the cruelty of the Council. And you are by far the best. You have the potential of finally breaking the hold of the Council and creating something that will truly fight evil. You are worth dying for Buffy. Take this key and open my chest. In it you will find a letter with your name on it. Read that letter tonight and commit it to memory. I won't be around to protect you from the damned test, but I hope the instructions I have left will enable you to survive the Council's evil."
I retrieved that letter and have committed it to memory and pledged myself to fulfilling the promise and hope Merrick saw in me. I now have a new list. As with my other list, I will only reveal what's on it once I complete each task. This list I call my "Before I die" list. I refuse to die until every task on this list is completed. So I swear.