To Thine Own Self Be True
by mike
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Chapter 15
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Slamming lockers, clicking, plopping, sliding and thudding of feet all marching to what ever they fancy. Occasional laughter, the calling of a name and the murmur of many voices all make up the sounds of school ending and the exodus away from the hell that is called high school.
Bright sun made us squint as we exited the less than hallowed halls of SHS. Amy between Willow and me was very quiet. We had told her right after first period that her mother was gone and would never bother her again but also any further explanation would need to wait until we could get her home. This didn't keep her from asking us questions about us however.
"So Buffy, mom switched bodies with me three weeks ago and I don't recall seeing you here at school before then. When did you start here?" Amy's tone and endearing smile made me smile.
"A week ago last Monday, the first day of the happiest time of my life." I smiled also and winked as I caught Willow's eye.
"Was this love at first sight 'cause it seems like you two have known each other forever?" Amy directed this question mainly at Willow.
"I don't know if it was love at first sight. More like definite wondering and then attraction with suspicion when Buffy said she would rather hang with me than Cordelia but then Buffy tells me she's gay and would really like to be my friend and I'm all Oh cool, a real female friend but what about the gay part, is she going to be gay for me or maybe I'm not attractive to her and she really just wants to be friends which I don't think I like because while I would really like one especially one who is so beautiful and gets the most adorable dopey grins just because I smile and then the funny feelings would come. The ones that felt all warm and made it hard to breath and tingly all over and then we kissed and nothing else mattered in the whole world. It was the most wonderful feeling ever and then it was total and complete love which didn't happen until lunchtime so I wouldn't exactly call it love at first sight." Willow took a big breath.
"That's the Willow I know." Amy grinned broadly and I had to laugh also at Willow's one breath summation of how we met.
[Love you my amazing babble fest.] I sent reassuringly.
[Glad you find me so amusing.] She replied with mock indignation.
We both broke into giggles and Amy looked back and forth between us. "You can talk without talking, can't you?" She said amazed.
I looked at Willow. [I'll leave it up to you.]
I felt Willow's comfort in revealing this to Amy as she spoke. "Yea Amy, we can and a lot more." Willow grinned broadly.
"Wow, you two were like made for each other. That is so cool. Does anybody in school know about you guys yet?" Willow and I both rolled our eyes.
"Pretty much everybody I would guess after last Friday night at the Bronze." Willow said silently preparing herself on how to respond to Amy's next question.
"What happened?" Simple question and Willow went ahead and explained the events of Friday night, having fun describing our dancing and the incident with Cordelia. The incident on the way home was tinged with stronger emotion as she recalled the events for Amy. Willow was unable to hide her anger over the senselessness of the attack. Listening to Willow's account I also felt my anger rise within me so I was taken a little off guard with Amy's next question.
"How did Buffy beat up four football players so easily?" Disbelief and a little awe and fear were all evident in her words and tone.
"Oh, that's another story, one that Buffy will need to explain and only if she wants." Willow explained softly but I could see the smirk forming on her lips as I glanced over at her.
Amy looked over at me and I reached up and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze to reassure her. "I would like to explain, but maybe at a later time. OK?"
"Sure Buffy, whenever you like." I could tell Amy was curious but also understanding enough to be patient.
We had arrived at Amy's house and went inside. We all sat down and Willow and I took turns explaining the circumstances that led us to uncover what Amy's mom was doing. Amy's inquisitive mind led to us revealing a bit more than we had planned but nothing we weren't comfortable with. But to properly explain things, I wound up giving Amy the ten minute explanation of what a slayer was with a demonstration of lifting Willow over my head with one hand. Willow suggested the demonstration and I was a bit curious until she showed me where to place my hand. I think Willow enjoyed the demonstration a little too much because I noticed Amy blushing terribly after she looked at Willow's contented expression as I held her aloft with my hand cradling her like a bicycle seat.
After answering Amy's questions, she called her dad. He wasn't home so Amy left him a message and I quickly gave her my number to give him to call. She raised her eyebrows but left the number on the message. I told her to pack an overnight bag because she was coming with us. She started to protest then just smiled and ran to her room to pack.
Arriving home about five, we hit the books to cram in as much homework and study as possible before mom got home. I also took 15 minutes to straighten out the guest room for Amy, moving the unpacking overflow out of the way.
I was waiting in the kitchen as mom came in, looking industrious getting dinner started.
[Sure you don't want me there?] Willow asked me again for the fourth time.
[I'm sure; besides, if I get in trouble you'll know right away and can come to my rescue.] I couldn't help but grin over Willow's worrying, she's just so cute.
"Hi mom, have a good day I hope?" I started off pleasantly, but pretty sure she would figure out by my phrasing that I needed her in a good mood.
She unloaded her purse on the counter and appraised me for a few moments. "It wasn't too bad, please tell me it's not about to get worse."
"No, not worse, just a little extra company for tonight. A friend from school, her name is Amy, lost her mother today and hasn't been able to get in touch with her father yet." I tried to keep my tone light so she wouldn't think things were too serious.
"She lost her mother? Buffy, what do you mean she lost her mother?" Mom's hand had moved to her throat with a look of fearful concern.
"Well, Amy's mom was or maybe still is since we don't know where she is except that she isn't coming back a witch. She got really upset when we reversed her spell to switch bodies with Amy and showed up at school to get revenge. Willow and I met her out front and she figured out right away that we were the ones that had reversed the spell and she tried to cast a spell on us but we bounced it back at her so where ever she had tried to send us is where she went." I took a big breath and smiled weakly at her.
"Are you channeling Willow?" She asked as she digested the information I had just spewed out.
"I don't think so." [Am I? ]
[It sounded perfectly normal to me.]
[I would say I'm spending too much time with you but that would imply that I should maybe spend less and that would be completely unacceptable.]
[I would hope so. And it's to be expected that we would rub off on each other a little bit; it's not a bad thing, is it? ]
[No will, it's all to the good. I was just teasing you. ]
"Buffy, stop talking to Willow when I'm talking to you, in fact, ask her to come down her and bring Amy with her." Mom said snapping her fingers in front of my face.
[On our way.]
"Oh sorry mom. Uh they're on their way." I bowed my head in embarrassment.
"Hi mom." Willow exclaimed coming into the kitchen with Amy right behind.
"You call Buffy's mom, mom?" Amy asked Willow in a loud whisper.
"Well yea, she's like my mother-in-law." Willow answered with a big cat eating grin.
"How much does Amy know about you two?" Mom interjected before Amy got too far off track.
"Well she knows we're together and are like soul mates. Oh and that I'm the slayer and we're able to control positive energy." I summed up quickly.
Amy looked at Willow with big round eyes, then at me and then at my mom and then back at me. "Your mom knows about you and Willow? And she's ok with it?" I think Amy's jaw just came unhinged.
"It's ok Amy. It was a big surprise at first but it didn't take long to figure out that accepting Buffy and Willow as a couple was just like sunshine or rain. They're just as normal and natural as can be." Mom spoke softly and with confidence, the love on her face quite evident.
"I wish my mom could be, uh could have been half as accepting as you." Amy spoke softly as a tear started to roll down her cheek.
All the guilt that Willow and I had been feeling all day but suppressed to keep up a good helpful front for Amy broke loose with that one tear. All day Willow and I had been having non-stop conversations of how we were responsible for Amy losing her mother. Yea, we told ourselves that we saved Amy and that her mother was evil. That if we hadn't defended ourselves, we would be the ones gone to who knows where. But we also thought that there must have been something else we could have done so that Amy would still have her mother. We just couldn't think of anything that wouldn't have endangered Amy and possibly a lot of other people, including ourselves. The thought of losing mom was indescribably painful for both of us and while Amy's mom wasn't my mom, Amy must have still loved her, thus the tears and our unresolved guilt.
So Willow and I started crying our guilt and remorse as we put our arms around Amy telling her how sorry we were for killing her mom.
"But we don't know that she's really dead, do we?" Willow asked hopefully.
"Well, even if we don't, wherever she is has to be as good as dead if not worse." I answered in complete surrender to the guilt.
"Oh God, I know I should be grateful that you saved me, but it's so hard to believe that she's gone. As mean and wicked as she was, she did love me in her own weird way. She can't help it that she was obsessed with wanting to be a teenage cheerleader." Amy moaned as she buried her head into Willow's shoulder.
Mom, who had been watching silently decided to make her presence known. With gentle hands on Amy's shoulders and an even gentler voice she spoke. "I think we should all sit down and discuss this. I sense a lot of hurt, misguided guilt and remorse. Talking will set everyone on the right path."
Mom guided Amy into the living room and sat her on the couch, keeping a comforting arm around the distraught girl's shoulders. Willow and I took the arm chair, Willow sitting in my lap and we waited for mom. We were both certain that we lacked the experience and knowledge to help Amy. We were equally certain that mom would make everything better.
"Amy, tell me about your mother. Tell me all the good and the bad things that you can recall." Mom spoke softly while gently rubbing Amy's back.
Amy took a big breath and looked at mom. As she looked at mom's face and the patient, caring expression she had Amy's face relaxed into a look of complete trust?
"Mom always took good care of me. She rode me a lot about eating too much or being lazy but it was for my own good. She kept me healthy and safe. She worked hard and we have a nice home. I always felt safe and if not exactly loved, at least cared for." Amy spoke on and on, from her mother's derogatory comments about Amy's father to her mom's obsessions about dieting and fitness. Amy kept this up for a little over an hour, emotion cracking her voice at times. We all remained silent with rapt attention. Mom continued providing Amy with comforting contact and occasional encouraging comments. Eventually Amy wound down with the events since her waking up in her mother's body to the final events of the morning.
"Amy?" Mom asked gently getting her attention. When she had Amy's eye, she continued.
"Do you miss your mother or do you miss the mother you never had but really wanted?" The question caused Amy to draw a quick intake of breath. Her hesitation was evidence that she hadn't considered this alternative.
"I don't really know. I thought I was just missing my mom but thinking about your question it does feel like I am also missing what I never had and I think I'm just realizing that now I never can." Fresh tears accompanied Amy's latest personal revelation.
"Who do you think is the reason you'll never have the mother you always wanted?" Willow and I both tensed in anticipation of Amy's answer.
"I know this probably isn't fair, but I'm kinda blaming Willow and Buffy. Because of them, she can't be here to be my mother." Amy's voice was almost apologetic but also accusing as she glanced in our direction.
"If your mother was here right now, what do you think she would be doing?" Amy's eye's shot open and her whole body stiffened at this question. The thought obviously terrified her.
"She'd be cursing anyone who got in her way and trying to get my body back for her own use." Amy finally admitted.
"That is very brave of you to admit Amy. And admitting the truth should enable you to see that your mother would never be the mother you want. Do you see that Amy?" Mom gently cupped Amy's cheek, turning her face to look into her eyes.
"Yes, she could never be that mother but that doesn't stop me from still wanting it." Amy replied with a little anger in her tone.
"And there is nothing wrong with wanting Amy. But you need to keep your wants realistic or you wind up wasting your life on pursuing hopeless desires and before you know it, your life has passed you by leaving you with nothing but regrets." Mom paused for a moment and then added.
"Just like your mother Amy and I don't think you want to be like her." With these words, we watched Amy's face transition as the realization dawned on her. Amy spent several silent minutes processing this latest concept. She finally looked at Willow and I and then back to mom before she spoke.
"I have to accept my mother for what she is and was, a bitter woman who felt her only happiness came from being a high school cheerleader. She never loved me. I was merely a tool for reclaiming what she thought she had lost." She then looked at Willow and I and continued. "And if I blame Willow and Buffy for the loss of a mother I never really had, it would be just like my mother blaming my father for having to grow up instead of continuing to lead the life of a care free and popular cheerleader." This last part revealed something that Amy had obviously concluded long ago from her mother's own comments over the years. As much as it hurt to let go of her dream of a loving mother, Amy appeared strong enough to move on.
Mom wrapped Amy up in a big mom hug. "Amy, this is a good start but knowing isn't enough to heal. You need to give yourself time and also accept the support and love of your friends. Being alone can seem like the best thing when you're hurting, but it's actually the worst. I know Buffy and Willow will always be there for you and so will I. Life is hard but sharing the burden makes it easier."
Willow got up from my lap and I followed her over to Amy. Willow carefully drew Amy into a hug as mom released her own arms from around her. Amy hesitantly put her arms around Willow at first and then more firmly as she felt the reassuring tightness of Willows arms. I approached from the other side and enveloped them both with my own arms.
"We love you Amy. We can't give you the mother you wanted but I promise that we'll be there for you when ever you need us." I heard Willow speak softly into Amy's ear.
"Yes Amy, you have my promise also." I said just as earnestly.
"Thanks guys, sorry I blamed you but it was easier than believing that my mother didn't really love me and only used me to reclaim her lost youth." Amy took a big breath and released her tears and sorrow. We held her until she finally took a big breath and released us. Mom was holding out a handful of tissues which Amy took with a grateful smile.
"Willow, take Amy to get cleaned up for dinner. Buffy, you can help me." Mom returned order with those simple instructions and life moved on.
Amy's dad had called at seven in the morning. He had gotten back into town late the previous night from a business trip. Arrangements were made to meet him at Amy's house at five that afternoon.
Before leaving for school the next morning, mom took Willow and I aside while Amy was still getting dressed.
"I am very proud of what you are both doing for Amy but sense that you're partially doing it out of guilt. Amy doesn't need or want pity or guilt. She needs honest friendship. Be careful that you don't go overboard with the support. Be available but not intrusive." Mom said this last part with raised eyebrows glancing back and forth between us until we nodded our understanding.
Willow and I had discussed late into the night everything we were going to do to make Amy's life better. Mom's words completely exposed us for the guilt ridden wrecks we were.
[How does she do that?] Willow asked in amazement.
[Just a mom thing, I guess.] I answered lamely.
[I don't think so. My mom never does that and it's pretty plain that Amy's mom never did also.] Willow confirmed my lameness.
[Guess my mom's just special then.] I answered proudly.
Willow kissed me on the cheek and gave me a big smile and wink.
"Thanks mom, were we obvious or something?" I asked somewhat rhetorically.
"Not really, I just know you two. You both feel responsible for curing all the troubles in the world and if you don't learn to accept your own limitations, you'll both go crazy and take me with you." Mom answered with a loving smirk.
"Now get off to school and stay out of trouble." She said with smile.
School was uneventful until lunch. We met Amy in the cafeteria; grabbing sandwiches and sodas we headed for the outside where we thought we would have some privacy.
"Do you want us to go with you after school to wait for your dad to pick you up?" Willow asked Amy.
"Uh, if you don't mind, that would be great. I haven't seen him for six month's and feel weird about the whole thing. And I don't have a clue about what to explain about mom." Amy shrugged her shoulders.
"Does your dad know about your mom's interest in witchcraft?" I asked her.
"Oh yea, that's one of the reasons he stayed away. I heard him say before he left that he wanted to take me with him but mom threatened him with a curse if he tried." The memory made Amy grimace.
"Then why don't you tell him one of her spells backfired causing her to go away. It's the truth and doesn't really need any further explanation." I offered.
She pondered the idea for a moment, and then nodded her head. "Yea, that should work and he won't be too concerned about her coming back to curse him."
Just then Xander and Jesse showed up.
"Hey girls, hi Amy." Xander greeted as he and Jesse plopped themselves down.
"Hi Amy." Jesse said softly, almost shyly.
"Hi Xander, Jesse." Amy returned Jesse's look then quickly looked away.
[Did you see what I saw?] Willow asked me while not letting anything show in her expression.
[Yea, looks like Amy and Jesse might be interested in each other. You've known them for like ever. Is this the first you've seen of this?] I responded while continuing to pay attention to the group.
[Yea, this is the first that I'm aware of.] She said while also conveying her surprise.
Just then Xander opened his mouth much to our embarrassment.
"So Amy, does your hanging with Will and Buffy mean you're into the female on female scene also." This got him a big slug from Willow, a gasp from Amy and a look of panic from Jesse. Willow showed me my expression. I think it was shock. I think I just looked stupefied but shock sounds better.
"Ouch, Will. What's the what? What'd I say? It's just a question." Xander tried to explain his remark away quickly.
"You made a prejudicial judgment Xander. Amy having lunch with us should in no way reflect on her sexual orientation." Willow answered angrily.
"Maybe it shouldn't but it's what everyone will think." Xander offered this small truth that rendered us all silent.
Amy was silent and eventually looked at us. "He's right. No guy will come near me if they think I'm gay. You guys know I don't have a problem with you being together but I don't want to risk not having any social life."
[Buffy, she's right. I like her and want to be her friend but she shouldn't have to give up any chance at happiness just to hang with us.]
[You're right my caring angel but I have an idea.]
"Amy, as stupid as Xander sounded, he's also right and so are you. It's sad because people would rather be stupid than open minded, closed to new possibilities than open to all that life has to offer. But I might have an acceptable compromise." I finished with a mischievous smile that piqued Amy's curiosity.
"I'm open to possibilities, what's your idea?" Amy asked carefully.
"Well, what if people saw you being close with a guy, holding hands, dancing at the bronze and even some good old fashioned necking. That would cement your preference for guys in everyone's mind so that if you were hanging with us, they should realize that we're just friends." Amy's eye's got bigger and bigger as I spoke and I could see Jesse's mouth begin to open. Xander just started to smile smugly as he apparently went into some private fantasy.
"You're talking about a boyfriend. While that sounds really nice, I'm not going to make out with just anyone." Amy spoke indignantly.
"And I don't expect you to. But what if it was someone you've known for a long time. Someone you trust and cute. You would have control of what happens and have fun at the same time." I spoke quickly to keep her interest.
"And just who do you have in mind?" She said carefully.
I looked over at Jesse and gently put my hand on his shoulder. "Jesse, something tells me that you respect and care enough about Amy to help her with this. If Amy's ok with it will you give it a try?" I had locked eyes with him trying to keep him from looking at Amy. Willow was feeding me Amy's expression which was a mix of hope and fear.
"If Amy's ok with it, it's ok with me." He answered timidly, so uncharacteristic compared with his usual adolescent bravado.
[Oh yea, he's got it bad for Amy. I can't believe I never saw this before. I am going to have to pump Amy for details.] Willow said excitedly.
I looked over at Amy to see a smile starting to show on her face.
"I guess we could give it a try. Who knows, could be fun." She said this last looking at Jesse.
"Jesse, why don't you stand up, help Amy up and just go for a walk holding hands to see if your both comfortable with the idea." I said giving him a little nudge.
"Oh sure, would you like to go Amy." Jesse stood up and reached down for Amy's hand, drawing upon some gentlemanly skills that I never suspected he had.
Amy took his hand and they walked off hand in hand, exchanging shy glances with each other.
I looked back to Willow but caught the expression on Xander's face. His face was stretched to near caricature proportions with his dumbfounded amazement. I then understood and felt a twinge of sympathy. Xander felt alone now. I looked at Willow and she also understood her old friend's problem.
Willow put her hand on Xander's shoulder. "You haven't lost a friend Xander. And you still got me. I'll always be your friend."
Xander set his jaw. "Yea, I've got friends who are all coupled up. Just another reminder of what a loser I am."
I moved over to his other side. "Xander, you have a choice now. You can feel sorry for yourself and continue to try and convince yourself that you're a loser or you can think of this as a contagion, get infected and be open to finding your own partner."
Xander thought for a moment and then smiled wickedly. "Is this a sexually transmitted disease?"
Willow and I just shook our heads.
Our last period of the day was study hall and Willow and I went to the bathroom to beat the after school rush. We were washing our hands when the door opened. We knew it was Cordelia. We had been in the habit of monitoring our surroundings to prevent any surprises. We quietly finished and headed for the door which she was blocking.
"Something on your mind Cordelia?" I asked evenly.
She looked at me with her arms folded. She didn't have her usual smug superior look. Willow could see it also and was just as curious as me.
"I can't afford to apologize but I can recognize that you guys helped me and you had every right not to. So thank you. To everybody else I'll just say you're a couple of loser saps but I know good people when I see them. Also, I don't know what you did to Rick and the other guys and it really doesn't matter. What matter's is that my popularity took a major hit. Being popular and in control is all I have and all I want. The word is out to just leave you guys alone and that is just fine with me. I only did what I did to show my power, not because I have a problem with your relationship. It backfired on me and I'll just have to live with it. This is my peace offering, lets just ignore each other and everything should be cool."
"Are you happy?" Willow surprised Cordelia with this question. Cordelia looked absolutely shocked.
"I'm beautiful, popular and rich. Why wouldn't I be happy?" She finally retorted.
"I don't think it matters what you have, as long as you're doing things for appearance rather than substance, how can you be happy?" Willow said sincerely.
Cordelia narrowed her eye's and seemed about to blast Willow when she caught the warning look in my eye. I could see her take a moment to think.
"Maybe I'm not happy, but it's safer to be in control." She turned and quickly left.
Willow and I looked at each other. "That is one unhappy, frightened little girl." I said.
"Yea, I can't believe I feel sorry for Cordelia Chase. Actually I don't but I feel like I should and I can't believe that." Willow seemed amused with herself. I gave her a quick hug and we left after making sure Cordy had a good head start.
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We stopped at my house to pick up Amy's overnight bag and walked her over to her house. Things actually went smoothly with her dad. He seems really nice and genuinely happy to see her. We said our goodbyes and see you tomorrows. Willow had extracted a promise to spill the details about Jesse. We departed with hope that Amy would be all right.
We had been grateful last night when nothing showed up on the demon scape, thus giving us a night off. But we had lots to prepare for. Tomorrow was Friday, the day that the new training facility was supposed to be ready. Also the day that Giles was expecting information about the council. We definitely want to observe things when Giles reads whatever he receives. Mom was right, we couldn't do everything but what we could do, we could do well.