I'll see you in my heart
by Norwalker
Part 1
[reviews]
I'll See you in my heart
By Norwalker
Part 1 of 15
Summary: A post "Chosen" tale of Buffy and Willow. They separate after fighting the First Evil. Can they find each other again, and happiness? Stay tuned!
Rating:NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the sole property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc. and Fox. Any resemblence to any living person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Ok, are the lawyers happy now?
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I'll see you in my heart
Part 1
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It was time to get on the bus. Buffy knew that, but still hesitated.
She looked at the crater that had just an hour ago had been her home. Where she'd grown up, become who she was now. Where she'd lived, fought, loved, grieved. Where she'd lost and found those special people in her life: Her mom, Willow, Faith, Xander, Giles, Dawn, Angel, Spike, Riley... people who's lives she'd touched, and touched her life. This was the place where she had been The Slayer, The Chosen One. Where she'd fought the darkness, and drove back the night.
Now it was gone. All gone. The places that held memories, the places she'd patrolled, the reason she had been here...gone. Destroyed in an instant, changed forever. She was no longer "THE" slayer, "THE" chosen one. Her uniqueness, with the Hellmouth, was gone forever.
Now she had the toughest challenge of her life. To face the future. To make her way in this new world she'd helped create with Willow. A world with not one, not two, but hundreds, maybe thousands of slayers. So, where does it go from here? Does she finally get the "normal" life she craved?
What's 'normal' anyway? I mean, I lived in here fighting demons and vamps for 7 years, all the time wanting to be normal. But, now that I can do that, what IS that? Can I just shut my eyes to what I know? Turn my back on what I've been? I dunno. Now that I'm here, now that I got what I wanted, do I want it? Do I know what I want? Once I could say, you betcha I know what I want. Gimme malls, gimme dates, gimme fun, gimme love. But now, what does it really mean? Can I do this?
What's all that about, anyway? What's love? Do I know? I've been with three people in my life: Angel, Riley, and Spike. All have ended...not well. You'd think I'd getta clue by now, don't ya? But I don't. I still am looking, trying to find something that's been missing Something I know is right in front of me, and I can't see it. Ah, well...
"Buffy?" Willow calls from the door of the bus. " You coming? We're about to leave"
"Yeah, right there, Will" Buffy says, turning away from the edge, and walking towards the bus.
She shakes her head. One of these days, I'm gonna get it. I know I will. But right now, other stuff to do. It's time to go.
Buffy gets on the bus, and watches as the crater that was her home begins to grow smaller in the distance.
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"Giles, did you get in touch with Angel?" Buffy asks.
She knows they're going to need help with the injured, and finding somewhere to stay for awhile. Sunnydale becoming a hole in the ground was so not in the plans when they started this. Now, they had a lot of people to take care of, quickly. Though having to depend on Angel wasn't a first choice for her, right now there seemed to be no other choice. Dealing with Angel will just have to be something that she does 'til they can figure something else out. She'll just have to put her personal issues aside.
"Yes, I reached him" Giles said. Something in his voice caught her attention.
"What is it, Giles?" She asks. Whatever it was, it didn't sound...pleasant.
"Well...did I ever tell you about Wolfram and Hart?" Giles asks. He doesn't sound happy.
"Ummm...no, not really. Something about them being a law firm in L.A.?"
"Well... that is true enough, as far as it goes. But there is more, much more. They are one of the largest law firms in L.A. And their clientele tends to be ... selective. As in, they are the major law firm in this and many other dimensions for the forces of evil." Giles comments, his tone puzzling.
" And that affects us how?" Buffy asked, not understanding.
"Well, the strange thing is, when I called the number I had for Angel...they are the ones that answered. And, after doing some inquiries, it seems that Angel is the new CEO of the L.A. Branch of Wolfram and Hart" Giles says, still trying to figure it out.
"Huh?" Buffy says. What is that about? Angel, the head of Evil, Inc. What the hell is going on in L.A. anyway?
" Exactly. It doesn't make sense. Angel has fought against Wolfram and Hart for nearly all the time he's been in L.A. Now, he's heading up that branch? Something doesn't add up here"
" Gee, Giles, even I got that" Buffy says." The point is, will he help us? The rest we'll deal with later."
"Yes, he's arranged a hospital for the wounded, and a place for the rest of us to stay. But, it's still puzzling" Giles says, pondering the new information he recently received.
"News Flash, Giles. With Angel, its always puzzling" Buffy sighs. She turns to find a seat on the bus.
It doesn't look good. There is a seat next to Vi and Rona, but not exactly her two favorite people in the world. Anyway, it looked like Kennedy was heading over there. There was one by Faith, but Buffy wasn't sure if she was up to having a long chat with Faith right now. Cause she knew that would happen if she sat down next to Faith. Their relationship had evolved since Faith had come to help in the fight with the First, but there were still issues to work out between the Chosen Two, and frankly, right now... that isn't what she was looking to do. Frankly, dozing was what she was looking to do. And that little wound the First's minion gave her is bothering her. So, think we'll pass on that one.
Hold up...Willow seems to have a seat next to her. Perfect! I know Will wouldn't mind if she sat there, and it would be more...comfortable than the other choices.
As she made her way towards her seat, she stopped to check on the girls. Most seemed to be dealing with things ok. Amanda still seemed to be intimidated; she kept looking out the window, like she expected The First to be following them. Sigh. I do so hope she gets over that, or life as a slayer is gonna be hard for her.
She went to check on the wounded. Rona seemed to be holding out; she didn't look great, but she was holding her own. Robin was very weak, but holding on. The others were in various stages of recovery. But all in all it looked like all would hold on 'til they made it to L.A.
Tired, she finally plopped down into the seat next to Willow.
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"Hey, Buffy" Willow said, giving Buffy her characteristic smile
Heya, Will" Buffy replied, returning the smile. She suddenly felt better. But, Will always seemed to be able to do that for her. Well, most of the time anyway. "So, how ya doin?" Buffy asked
"Pretty good, I guess. Maybe still a bit ... woozy from the spell" Willow replied. That'd been powerful magicks, and the aftereffects hung on.
" I'm sorry about that Will. That you had to do that. But it made all the difference." Buffy said, genuinely amazed at what Will had accomplished.
" Aw, Buffy, it was no big" Willow said, modestly." You guys did all the tough stuff"
"It was a Big big, Will" Buffy said." Not sure we woulda gotten it done without it."
Buffy takes her hand, and squeezes it. Willow blushes a little. God, she's so modest. Never takes the credit she deserves.
" You're my hero, you know, Will" Buffy says, smiling at the Wicca.
"Buffy!!!" Willow blushes furiously, embarrassed. But secretly enjoying it immensely. She never tires of Buffy's compliments.
" I mean it, Will. I and a lot of the other slayers...god, still getting used to that idea... might not be here if it weren't for you. That's a hero in my book" Buffy grins. She thinks Willow is particularly cute when blushing...or babbling. Or when she gets that little crinkly thing with her nose when she laughs... God, Buffy...wanna date her? Where's your mind at, anyway? Buffy laughs at herself. You're tired, girl, really tired.
" So, Buffy, how does it feel?" Willow asks, changing the subject
"Feel?" Buffy asks
" to be free?" Willow clarifies.
"Free?" Buffy asks, a small grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.
"Are you gonna keep using the last word of what I say to make a question?" Willow huffs a little.
"Question?" Buffy teases
"Buffy! I'm serious!" Willow says.
Buffy giggles, then pats Willow's hand.
"Sorry Will, I just needed a little laugh. Free? Hmmm...don't know how it feels, really. Haven't really thought about it"
"Just think of the possibilities, Buffy. I mean, what? You can take vacations now, go to college, have dates without worrying that some demon's gonna interrupt, get a boyfriend...all the good stuff. Hey, maybe you can have a fling with Ben Affleck!"
" Oh, yeah, that's gonna happen. Don't think he's gonna throw over J.Lo for me." Buffy laughs.
" You never know" Willow smiles. I would, she thinks to herself. Yeah, THAT'S never gonna happen, either. "The idea is , Buffy, that you got all sorts of choices now"
"Yeah, I know, I know" Buffy groans. " And the headache to go with them"
"Awww, does it hurt and have a temperature?" Willow teases. She puts her hand on Buffy's forehead.
"Knock it off, Will" Buffy growls, but is pleased. They haven't had time together for awhile, and it's kinda nice.
" So, what about you, Will? Still want to go to Florence? Have biscotti with John Cusak? Or...maybe now, Joan Cusak?" Buffy giggles.
"Buffeee!" Willow cries
"Oh, yeah...forgot...Kennedy" Buffy says, a little aftertaste coming with the name
Ok, it's not like I don't like the girl, or anything. Ok, I don't like the girl. She's annoying, a brat, and if it wasn't for the fact that she's pretty good, and Will's ...gag...sweetie, I woulda taken her out and taught her a few lessons on manners a long time ago. So, I guess it irks me just a little bit that Will chose her. God, I know she can do better than Kennedy.
" Look, Buffy, I know you're not fond of Kennedy..." Willow starts, but is interrupted by Buffy.
"Hey...not my call, ya know? I mean, you like her, right?" Buffy says, wincing internally." So, hey, I don't gotta live with her anymore...no big to me, right?"
Willow gets a strange look on her face. " Yeah, right"
"What? ... What?" Buffy says.
"Nothing. It's nothing" Willow says, turning away.
"Hey, it's something, Will" Buffy says. " Look at me. What is it?"
"Can't you try to like her, Buffy?" Willow asks. " It's kinda important to me"
" Look, Will. I'm doing my best here." Buffy says, calmly, but not feeling all that calm." There has been more than one time that she's gotten herself and others with her in trouble, and I had to get their butt outta it. So, I'll be polite and nice to her, because you like her, Will. But don't ask me to like her. She's a bit of a brat, and it annoys me" Buffy says.
"I know she can come on abrasive" Willow says. " But if you get to know her..."
Buffy sighs " Will, I've tried. I really have. But we're like oil and water, we just don't mix well"
"Fine, Buffy, whatever" Willow just sighs and turns away.
Buffy sat back in her seat, and let out her breath. Well, maybe sitting by Faith woulda been better after all. Geeze, I swear, this sucks. I mean, when did we get this way, anyway? We used talk about anything together, even if it hurt. Now, it seems we can get through half a conversation, someone gets bent outta shape(look at Willow) and then whoooom. Fine, lets not talk. That's so helpful. Yeah.
Buffy stews for a bit, then starts to think back to before. Before it got all complicated. When she and Will were near inseparable. When they forgave each other stuff. Maybe I'm just making too much outta all this. Maybe it's just what happens. After all, I gotta get used to the idea that our lives are going to be different now. Going in different directions. That's life, right? Things change. Why would I think different, anyway? I mean, she's got her life, I got mine. Separate. I mean, we're not in Sunnydale anymore.
Yeah, ok, Buffy, give it up. You know you hate this idea. Will and I been like, together forever. So why do I gotta give up my best friend? Maybe because she wants something different? She deserves love, doesn't she? So, why do you get all weird when she wants you to try to make nice with Kennedy? Is she asking so much? I...guess not.
But why do I gotta be the one that does all the reaching out? How come Ms. Oh so I so good Kennedy can't make a gesture? I mean, she acts like I'm some kinda freak...and she has NO problem criticizing any little mistake I make. But , boy. Point out she's wrong, and it's all well...get off my back. Ya know? God, that girl is totally a spoiled brat! But oh, no, I gotta be nice. Not fair. So not fair!
So, instead you'll be the brat, right Buffy? Yeah, that's so mature. Alright, alright, alright. God, I'll try, ok? I'll try.
"Ok, Will, I'll try" Buffy says, not with the highest of enthusiasm
"Huh?" Will asks, not really listening or understanding.
"I'll...try to be friendlier with...Kennedy" Buffy says, not happy.
"That's nice. Thank you, Buffy" Willow says, maybe a little distractedly
That's IT? "That's nice. Thank you, Buffy" ? Where's the hug? The good sportsperson medal? The attention, at least? I mean, cripes, I just did what she wanted, and heck, I might as well said " here's the butter" for all she cared. Damn, what do I gotta do?
I don't like her. I've never liked her, but I'm gonna be extra nice, because you asked me. Then you kinda just let it slide like it's no big. Hey, it's a big!
Jealous much, Buffy? Hmmm? Why don't you just admit it. You're jealous. You want that attention you used to get. You don't like it that Kennedy is taking up all Will's attention. Bugs you, don't it? Talk about spoiled brats, Buffy. I think you are heading right to the top of the list, ya know?
(( or maybe, Buffy dearest, there is jealousy of a different kind going on here? Maybe it isn't attention that's making you jealous... at least, not that kinda attention. Maybe...)) Don't EVEN go there. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. (( Is it really?))
Oh yeah, that is totally off the wall wrong.(( Sure, Buffy, go ahead, believe that. If it makes it easier )). There's no "believe" about it . It's the facts.(( right, gotcha )). IT IS !!!! (isn't it?). Stop it, don't you start now!
"Earth calling Buffy Summers...come IN, Buffy" Willow is looking at her.
"Huh?" Buffy says, not tuned in too well
" I was saying, Buffy...now for the third time, that it was very sweet of you to make the effort. I know it's not easy, and I'll try to get Kennedy to be more ...friendly, too" Willow is looking at Buffy, a smile on her face, but a bit of worry in her eyes.
"Oh. Thanks, Will. That'd be great" Buffy smiles.
" Is everything ok, Buffy?" Willow asks, plainly concerned for her friend
"Yeah, it's fine, Will. It's all good " Buffy says.
(( Sure it is , Buffy. Sure it is )).
It is . It's all good!!!
(( just keep telling yourself that, Buffy ))
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Willow looked at Buffy with some concern.
Her friend seemed to be fading in and out, going back and forth between here and inside her head.
Of course she has lots on her mind. What? With Dawn, and finding a new home, and finding a new life. It's gotta be hard on her. I would like to help her, but it's kinda hard when she's fading in and out like a weak radio signal. I wonder what's going through that head of hers, anyway?
Know what I'm thinking about. Her. As usual. Though, of course I couldn't admit it. To her, or anyone else for that matter. Because then I'd have to admit the rest of it. That after all this time, and knowing that theirs no possible way should could return the feeling, I still love her. Always have, since I've known her, always will.
I didn't always know that. Matter of fact, for the longest time, even after I realized I was gay, I didn't admit it to myself. Until right now, practically, I wasn't fully aware of how long, and now deep those feelings have been hidden. But they're there, alright.
I remember the first time, the very first time I saw her. Got it bad, don't I? She was with Queen C(goddess only knows why) and I was using the water fountain. Oh, yeah, that was attractive. I got water splashed on my face, I'm wearing some kinda plaid jumper thing, and Queen C is making rude remarks about my wardrobe and love life. So typical. And here is this new girl, with what must be the prettiest eyes and cutest smile I've ever seen. Crush MUCH, Willow? She didn't say anything. She just stood there, looking a little embarrassed at what Cordelia was saying. I guess I knew right then she wasn't part of The Queen's circle, cause she didn't look like she was fawning over the queen, just happened to be there. Well, I got myself away from Cordelia(good way to survive without public ridicule in those days), and was going to class. Or somewhere, I forget. But I looked back, and she's still looking at me. Wow.
I saw her again at Lunch. I was kinda eating alone(I did a lot of that before I met her), reading some book or something, and suddenly I hear her talking to me! Oh Goddess, I was so thrown. I thought for sure by now she was a Cordette, and wanted me to move. " You're Willow, right?" " Yes... do you want me to leave?"(goddess, was I pathetic, or what?)" Let's start again. My name is Buffy Summers, and I want to ask you for a favor. But as far as I know, it doesn't involve you leaving or anything" and she sat down next to me. And wanted help with her homework. Goddess, puppy dog time. Someone just put my favorite bowl of kibbles by me. Geeze, I was sooo...ok, I was crushing bad, really bad. Ok? But , this is Buffy. How could you not crush. I knew right then my life was going to change.
What's she saying?
"Ok, Will, I'll try" Buffy says, not with the highest of enthusiasm
"Huh?" What? What she talking about..
"I'll...try to be friendlier with...Kennedy" Buffy says, not happy.
"That's nice. Thank you, Buffy" Oh...ok, well...good.
Willow looks around at the bus, out the window where Sunnydale used to be, and sighs.
I just didn't realize how MUCH it was going to change. But despite the dangers, the pain, the loss...I wouldn't trade a minute of my life with Buffy. It had a lot of good times. Mega-good times. And knowing her has made me more...of everything. If not for Buffy Summers I wouldn't be who I am , and I like who I've become.
She was talking about Kennedy? Oh. There's another problem. Kenny. What...how is that going to go? I dunno. I mean, I'm not slutty sleep-around girl here. I don't just pick up bedmates, ya know? I have to care about someone. And I care about Kenny. And she's sweet, in her way, and definitely hot...and she, I think, has feelings for me, too. So, happy times, right? I know Buffy is hopeless, so I ...go on. But, somehow, my gut is saying " This isn't like Oz, this isn't like Tara". Somehow, I think what happened or is happening between us was circumstance. We were thrown together because of The First, and now that the First is gone, that the situation is no longer so intense... not sure about everything, including Kenny. Part of me really wants this. Wants to make it work with me and Kenny. But another part of me says " Not enough there, Will. Gotta find something better" Why does it sound so much like Buffy, that part? Ok, I know Buffy really doesn't like Kenny. I can understand that. Kennedy and her have been like cats and dogs. Both are good...apart, but together? Get OUT of the way! They just don't get each other. And it's ironic, in a way. Cause they both share some major ...sameness. Buffy and Kennedy have a lot of stuff in common...including a hard head, and opinions that once set...well, it's easier for Sisyphus to push that rock uphill than for either of them to change. And they both decided, they just DON'T like the other. Sigh. That's gonna make things rough.
Because, no matter what else, I really gotta have Buffy as part of my life, somehow. I can accept that it'll never be more than friendship. Hey, I'm realistic enough to know what's what(ok, I can fantasize sometimes, can't I? Geeze). But I can't accept that somehow she won't figure into my life. So, Kenny's gonna have to get used to that.
Willow looks over, and sees that Buffy is somewhere lost in her thoughts. Gone again. Hmmm. Wish I knew what was going on behind that pretty face of hers( Will, get a grip, ok?).
"Hey, Buffy. Thanks. I know it's hard for you to do it, but I appreciate you're gonna try to be more friendly with Kennedy" Will says, and notices Buffy isn't listening. She sighs. I know she's got a lot on her mind. But hey, couldn't she answer at least?
"Buffy. Hello? Thanks. I appreciate it" Still, nothing. Sigh.
"Earth calling Buffy Summers...come IN, Buffy"
"Huh?" Buffy says, not tuned in too well
" I was saying, Buffy...now for the third time, that it was very sweet of you to make the effort. I know it's not easy, and I'll try to get Kennedy to be more ...friendly, too" Willow says, smiling. Goodness, she must be really deep into whatever she's thinking. I hope she's ok. She gets some strange stuff going sometime. Poor little Buffy. Even now, with all the slayers, she still carries the whole world on her shoulders.
"Oh. Thanks, Will. That'd be great" Buffy smiles.
" Is everything ok, Buffy?" Willow asks, concerned
"Yeah, it's fine, Will. It's all good " Buffy says.
So why does her face tell me something else? Oh, man, sometimes I'd like to find the secret code book so I could just decipher her, and know everything there is to know about Buffy. Yeah, that's so gonna happen.
Sometimes, I wish I could just figure it all out, period. It'd just be so easier. We could just understand each other fully, and not have all this stuff coming between us. It'd make life so simple.
Oh yeah. Like, life with Buffy in it is every gonna be simple.
Right.
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TBC