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by Connor_Mac
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By: MacBeth - Connor_MacBeth@yahoo.com
Season: up to six's finale.
Disclaimers: Joss = God. The Creator. Get it?
Author's Note: This is in Willow's POV, hence the tendency to ramble. Nessus is the Ninth and deepest level of Hell. Any mistakes I may have made remember, this is her mind; be honest now, who thinks in perfect sentences?
* * *
Frail. Tiny. Fragile. Before today, those words never entered my mind when I looked at her. but now, with her in that bed, hoses and wires attatched to her from a number of disturbing medical equipment, She's never looked worse.
When Angel called us about Buffy, I didn't think it was this bad. Damn Faith. Damn that leather clad whore to Nessus. Wow, even I'm surprised by my mind these days. She just had to be the Psycho bitch I'd pegged her for. Granted, a tiny eensy bit of me cheered when the darker Slayer shot Angel with the poisoned arrow. Hey, now. Don't look at me like that; I feel bad enough about that already.
It's no secret to my inner self that I'm in love with her. And until a week ago, I'd managed to keep it a secret from Buffy. Yep, that's right; I told her. We were alone in the library, Giles had gone to his office, Xander was in a closet with Cordy, and Faith had gone to her motel room. I walked around the table, leaned down to whisper in her ear. "I love you, Buffy."
She turned to me and her eyes told me what she was about to say before she said it. "I know, Will. I'm sorry." My fingertips on her lips stopped anymore. I nodded and returned to my seat, every ounce of discipline I normally use for magic went to keeping an accepting smile on and my eyes dry and clear.
And here we are now; she's lying in this bed because she loved the Vampire more than me. I'm not that angry at the vampire, or at Buffy. I'm angry that I could Love someone this much.
I'm alone now, in the Hospital's bathroom. I look into the window's reflection and I feel ashamed. Here I am, healthy, alive, and I have the love of a sweet, gentle musician. I've never thought of myself as ungrateful, but I really should face facts. She's not mine. She's Angel's. If I can't have her, I can settle for Oz, Hell, I could do worse.
* * *
The ritual failed. Three months of planning and effort shot to hell because of that Biker Gang. They just HAD to disrupt the one chance we had to bring back the World's Greatest Hero since Hercules. If I were to be honest with myself, I'd realize I'm doing this to bring her back to me; Fuck the world.
Xander's with me on this, he knows we need her. Hang on, oh. It's just that damned Buffy Bot...
Wait a minute...
No...
Can't be...
"Buffy?"
* * *
She can barely look at me these days. The First has returned to end the world and thankfully it's taking up her attention. I know she still sees me with black hair, my veins running black with Dark Magic, my eyes twin pits of entropy. Even with my "Mojo Therapy" as Xander called it. I remember what I did in my stupor; Killing Rack, Warren, threatening to revert Dawn to her energy ball form, all of it; worst of all, I remember wanting to do those acts. Xander held me that day on the hill, reminding me who I was trying to hurt.
Nothing I can ever do will bring that trust back into her eyes. Yesterday, I was sitting in my room and staring at where Tara's blood had stained the carpet, the stain itself long since gone thanks to Xander's talented handyman skills. Inspiration hit; I'm not here for the fight anymore, I'm here for Buffy. I can't have her, so I settled for being around her. Tara died because I held onto her while wanting someone else. I loved Tara, I really did, but nowhere near as much as I love Buffy, and she knew it.
I digress. My suitcase and duffle are packed. No one knows I'm leaving, of course; they'd try to stop me, why I don't know. I've inscribed the circle on the basement floor, a circle of power I picked up in a spellbook of Ms. Calendars a lifetime ago. Using this ring of powdered quartz, salt, and bone, I can open a gate to a place I read a lot about when I was a little girl. Somewhere I always planned to go to before a certain Blonde entered my life. Since then, I've fantasized about taking her there with me.
As I speak the words, I'm amazed at how easily the forces come. Slowly over the weeks, my fear of foalling to the Darkness has eased. I've realized something about willpower; I'm no longer afraid of losing my control anymore. If Buffy can walk away from Angel, if she can adapt after being ripped from eternal paradise, I can withstand the temptation of the darkness. It's like I took a step to the right and saw the fear for what it was, Fear of something that I know without a shred of doubt won't happen. The final words tumble from my lips as Buffy reaches the bottom of the steps. I look into her eyes for a split second and see fear.
She still fears me.
* * *
Rome is beautiful this time of year. The sunlight hits the autumn leaves as they fall, a slight breeze sending them sliding all over the street and sidewalk. I've been here five years now, five years since I left Sunnydale and my heart. Over the years, I've used my magic and computer skills to open a bookstore, "In The Stacks". I carry the usual fiction, reference, and classical literature, but mostly mysteries.
"Specialty" books are in a cordoned off room in the back of course, can't let little children or hormone filled boys flip through the Necronomicon Ex Mortis looking for woodprints of frolicking nymphs, now can we? I patrol here too; using magic to ignite a vampire's heart within his ribcage and slamming warrior demons with searing bolts of light has gotten a lot easier over the years. Of course, Rome's subterranean tunnel system is ten times worse than Sunnydale's Sewer system. The vampire's here are older, too.
Ever since I acquired a Fey bowl from a Hag witch a bit to the north, I've been scrying what's been happening way over in the Dale. Dawn's become quite the swordswoman. Xander has been winning more fights than he loses, and Spike has regained his sanity and is still trying to get back with Buffy.
Buffy, I still feel that twinge when I think of her. I watch her fight a lot. Occasionally, when she's staked the last vamp of the night, she looks right at me, almost like she can see me. I think she knows I'm watching her.
Leaning against the counter, I watch an old woman seated on an incredibly comfortable leather couch reading a copy of Tom Clancy's newest release. I carry very few political thrillers, but I like Clancy's stuff. My regular customer, Antonia, sees me and smiles, before returning to the newest adventures of Jack Ryan. Beside her, her grandson is engrossed in the tale of a young English boy enrolled at a prestigious Magical academy. Hey! I carry those books only because I run out every quarter. Honestly, that's the only reason.
Shaking my head in amusement at his rapt attention, I hear the iron bell over the front door ring. The sound of an Iron bell is a more effective gremlin and imp deterrent. I feel a tingle as I look to the new customer. How she found me I'll never know.
"Hello Buffy."
"Hello Willow."
I walked out from behind the counter, and motioned towards the back room. Whistling, I got Aisling's attention from stocking the D&D stuff and nodded for her to man the register. Aisling's a sweet girl; I found her picking pockets in Glasgow and brought her with me.
Once in the back room of my shop, I gestured for the Slayer to sit. A window with a beautiful view, a sturdy oak table, a couple of chairs, and an espresso machine make this my favorite room. She sits and still doesn't say a word.
"Why did you leave?" her voice is just as I remember it, albeit with a slight bit of anger I'm not liking.
"I had to." Short, simple, effective. Of course, anything more and the tears I'm holding back would burst forward.
"You could have talked to me. Xander, Hell Anya would have listened." I'm watching her casually enough to notice she still can't look me in the eye.
"Wouldn't have helped. I wasn't ready to return. You'll defeat whatever's coming, have a party at the Bronze, go home, go to bed." I shrugged my shoulders. "I wasn't necessary and being that close to the Hellmouth wasn't helping my nerves any."
The Slayer stood and leaned close to my ear. "I needed you there with me."
I couldn't keep from shaking my head. I'd long resolved that she didn't love me; I'd even managed to look at her picture without crying, almost. "You didn't need me. I had to leave." I was resolved.
Buffy leaned against the wall behind me. "You've learned to control the Magic?" her change of subject wasn't lost on me.
"Took five years and almost leveling the Parthenon a time or two." I grinned calmly, my control keeping me from doing something I'd regret.
"Xander's..."
"Dying, yes I know." I couldn't help but steal her thunder.
"You know." Buffy doesn't know whether to be shocked, pissed, or relieved.
Standing, I walked down a hallway to the back storeroom, knowing she'd follow, I guided her past boxes and crates to a large coffin sized crate set in a dusty corner. Opening the crate with ease, I stepped through into a ladderwell and climbed down. I wonder if she noticed we didn't disturb the dust on the floor or on the crate? Moving back towards the shop, albeit twenty feet below, we entered my inner sanctum; my refuge and arcane workshop.
The wide stone chamber was the reason I built my shop above, an actual worship temple to Hecate, Greek Goddess of Magick. convincing the previous occupants (a cadre of Sebek's worshippers seeking to pervert the goddess' energy) to vacate the premises proved fairly difficult three years ago. Set in the center of the permanant Circle graven into the granite floor, stood a short roman column suporting my scrying bowl. drawing a dagger from the sheath stitched into the lining of my vest, I touched the silver tip to the water in the bowl while mentally picturing Xander's smile.
I sensed Bufy the moment she entered. If I hadn't deactivated the wards I'd set up she would have ended up as one more scorchmark on an already blackened wall. Stepping gingerly over the silver inlaid runes, she came around the bowl and looked down to see Xander's upsettingly pale and weak form in the hospital bed far away in Sunnydale General. "Cerebral hemmorhaging due to massive blunt force trauma." I spoke and Buffy nodded.
"You knew? and you haven't come?"
"And do what?" Her self righteousness was really getting annoying. "Quit researching to fly across the ocean to watch him die?"
Buffy's jaw dropped and I realize how she took that, "What research could possibly be more important than your best friend on his deathbed?"
Turning slightly, I gestured and a spellbook floated to her hands, "I'd say keeping him alive is fairly important." the smug tone in my voice couldn't be helped, Buffy's anger be damned.
"Arcane and Mystical Formulae for the Healing of the Gravely Injured." she looked up from the heavy english with a look of hope. "Can this work?"
"If I stay here, yes." I couldn't help but needle her a little, I'm only human. "Most of the formulas are hopeless, the ingredients impossble to find these days. But one or two required several components that were difficult to find, but not impossible." Walking past Buffy, I continued into a rest area set up in an antechamber adjacent to the main room; set comfortably with a bed, table, three chairs and a few lights, I sat and a moment later, so did Buffy.
"I have all but one of the ingredients. The bitch was finding a scale from a Tayos Demon, those little guys are fast." Buffy nodded with a grin.
The blonde Slayer sighed and I think I can see a glimmer of hope enter her eyes. "Can this work?"
"It has to."
* * *
I sit here on Buffy's porch and watch Xander and Dawn wrestle on the grass. To look at him, you'd never know that four days ago, he was at Death's door, standing on Death's welcome mat and raising his hand to Death's doorknocker; courtesy of a sledgehammer-wielding vampire. I can't believe Buffy convinced me to come back here. Xander accepted it with ease, even if I hadn't brought the elixir, I think he'd still be happy to see me. Dawn was pissed at me for all over thirteen point three seconds before she smiled and hugged me.
Giles was surprised to learn that the "Scarlet Italian" he'd been corresponding and playing chess with was actually me. We've agreed to keep our games played via the mail. Otherwise, it's like little time has passed since I left and although Giles' temples have gotten a little more grey, it simply makes him look more distinguished.
I went to Tara's grave today, I placed a small amethyst geode on her headstone and smiled, certain that she was happy. I will always carry a deep pain that I abused her feelings for me. But I bear that pain willingly, one more chain in the penance I carry.
Somehow, Giles rebuilt the Magic Box, Anyanka managing to invest a substantial amount of capital for renovations. Xander, having "landed" the contract for his Boss' construction company was made head foreman and that made Anya happy.
Dawn's graduated highschool and enrolled in UCS on an academic scholorship. Johnny, her boyfriend of two years, went from smoking in the bathroom to running laps at the Los Angeles Police academy. They make a cute couple, Johnny took the whole, Vampires-and-demons-are-real-speech with Oz-like stoicism.
Angel's crew sometimes comes up for a barbeque and good times are had by all. Angel and Cordelia's relationship surprised me, but Buffy's reaction moreso, I realized she was completely passed him.
But most surprsing of all was Faith. The Psycho bitch actually down the road to redemption. I admit, I almost threw the Magic Missle I had conjured when I saw her. It took a few days to keep that spell from my lips. I took one look in her eyes and saw it. That same things I saw in Angel's eyes. Pain and Hope.
Things have definitely changed here in Sunnydale. but one thing hasn't. I'm not needed here. Giles' is traning a small coven, which was nearly destroyed by that Magic addicted traitor Amy. Some very promising mages in his circle, the most powerful of which is only ten years old, though from his eyes I'd say he was ninety.
Now I sit here, watching Xander and Dawn playbox as Buffy and Faith spar around them, I realize it's almost time for me to leave. the people I've lived with for most of my life have a life without me now. I think tonight I'll see if I remember how to draw that circle in the basement.
Oh... Damn. Buffy seems to be spychic these days; instinctively knowing when my guilt monster seems to be taking over. I can see her across the yard looking directly at me, like she knows what I'm planning. She's walking towards me now, Faith utterly confused by their sudden break. Buffy knelt before me and glared until I met her eyes with mine. "I swear by everything I know Willow, If you vanish again, I'll hunt you down. I don't know where you got this idea that I don't need you, that you're unnecessary; because you are. I couldn't do this without you. After you left, I spent every moment I could searching for you. I've been to every city I'd thought you'd go to before finding you in Rome." Buffy took my chin in her unbelievably soft fingers and whispered even softer. "I'm not blowing smoke Will. I need you too much for that. I love you too much." I nodded knowing how she meant that.
Days passed and things returned to normal. I'd patrol a few graveyards while Faith, Buffy and Xander would patrol others. We'd meet up at the Bronze and relax; and for a while it felt like High School all over again; only with alcohol. This night we were walking home, Buffy having to go to work early in the morning, being a counselor at the rebuilt Sunnydale High gave her the opportunity to save students from the perils we survived albeit barely.
The others entered the house ahead of us and buffy and I sat on a seat on the porch; a habit we silently started shortly after Xander's recovery. For a town built over an aperture of Hell, Sunnydale has very quiet nights. We sat in comfortable silence before Buffy turned to me, "Will?"
"Yes?" I answer.
"Why'd you leave?"
"Couldn't take it anymore." I decided to speak honestly, normally never a good idea in situations like this.
"Couldn't take what?" her confusion was evident.
"You." I internally winced at that one.
"Oh." She shifted away as though to rise and leave. my hand on her arm stopped her cold.
"I told you a long time ago how I felt about you." I omitted the "L" word, "After I got back from England, all I saw in your eyes was fear and anger, maybe even hate." I shrugged. "I had to leave."
Buffy again took my face in her hands, "Willow, I have Never hated you. But to be honest, yes I was frightened of you, I couldn't help it. And yes I was angry, but not at you. I was angry at myself; that day on the hill. I wasn't the one who talked you down, it was Xander. I was down in that hole fighting those uh, things and I kept wondering, why I couldn't get through to you. It came to me afterwards. You hated me. the feelings you said you had for me were completely gone and you reviled me. You loathed me..."
We were silent again for an agonizingly long few minutes. Buffy took my silence as agreement and again made to rise, stammering out an "Excuse me". This time I shoved her down as hard as my (semi) mortal muscles could allow and knelt before her. "Now you listen to me Elizabeth Anne Summers. I have Never in my life or in any of my previous lives hated you. I hated myself for killing Warren, for fighting you, but never hated you specifically. But the thing I hated mostly was telling you that day that I loved you. I wish i hadn't, then we wouldn't have drifted and, and... Damnit!" I stood and turned towards the railing, my hands seeking it's stability. "I shouldn't have told you."
"I lied." she whispered.
My heart stopped. No way...
"I lied, that day... I had to." she whispered in that tone I'd only heard when Joyce died.
"Why?"I was stunned. No, I was shattered. "Why in hell would you lie?"
"I was scared. Of you mostly, you were so beautiful and I was so scared of loving you, of losing you. I loved Angel and look how that turned out. I just kept getting these images of you being killed because some vampire, or the Mayor heard I loved you. You were with Oz and I figured you would be happy with him." Anything else was broken up as the mighty slayer before me began to sob.
It took a second for me to wrap my melon around her rambling and I felt soemthing I didn't like. Anger. To this day I don't recall what possessed me to do it, but I slapped her, Hard. she looked up at me with this glimmer of confusion and fear and my heart broke fresh just as it did nine years ago. "Don't ever lie to me again Buffy." I pulled her up to her feet and hugged her tightly; she cried into my shoulder and I held her as tightly as I could. "I will always love you, Buffy. I never stopped. No one could take your place in my heart, no Oz, not even Tara, and I'm sorry to say that she knew it. You have always been the most important thing in my life to me, I'm never letting you go again." I practically snarled in her ear and could feel the hissing shudder run through her body as I turned her slightly and kissed her deeply. I never doubted that she'd return the kiss, It felt so right, so powerful, it almost hurt.
I have no idea how long were out on that porch kissing and crying, but when we entered the house, the sky was already a shade of indigo and I knew Dawn would be making a phone call to the school explaining (lying) about her sister's abscence from work. We walked hand in hand up the stairs into her room and I knew, I was home.
That's odd, I can't remember that circle anymore...
Fin