Shaking the Blues
by Rin
[reviews]
As she opened the door to the darkened bedroom, she inched quietly in, hoping not to disturb the girl that appeared to be asleep in the bed. Once she discarded her weapons carefully into the closet, Buffy went into the bathroom, and stared at herself in the mirror for several long minutes. 'What are we doing?' All the two girls seemed to do anymore was fight; that is, if they weren't avoiding each other to an immeasurably degree. They wouldn't talk to each other, and hadn't made love in a month, barely even touching each other, or casting a glance in the other's direction. It felt like everything was falling apart, and this time, Buffy couldn't fix the problem by beating something up as usual. She knew that they would have to talk, and the blonde just wasn't sure if they could get through a conversation without being at each other's throats. The problem was that both girls were in a funk, and neither would admit it.
When she finished cleaning her wounds, Buffy prepared for bed without any chipper, and put on a set of pajamas. They both went about wearing full pajamas, even when it was warm in the house. For some unsaid reason, neither wanted to feel their skin connect. It was awkward at first; not being to cuddle together wearing nothing but underwear and a tank top, and sometimes nothing at all, but whatever caused this depression to start had only managed to deepen the condition. All in all, the two lovers were walking on eggshells around the other, and Buffy sometimes found herself opting to sleep downstairs on the couch, or curling up in bed beside Dawn (which had frightened the younger girl the first time but had gotten used to it recently). However, tonight, she didn't feel like fighting, and wanted to feel the comfort of her own bed for once, so she made sure that Willow was fully asleep before crawling into bed beside her, and attempting to do the same. 'Why are we doing this?'
The entire night, she couldn't sleep, just lying in bed with her back towards Willow, as far on the edge as possible. A month ago they couldn't be separated from the middle but now...now it seemed that they couldn't get far enough apart, and it was slowly killing their relationship. The redhead would always back away, or flinch whenever Buffy would try to kiss her cheek, or pull her in for a hug. All the blonde wanted was comfort, to feel that warmth that she knew would ease any sadness, and she had stopped trying when Willow finally told her 'no,' and pushed her away from the embrace. 'What's happened?'
Giles wasn't able to explain anything, chalking it up to a simple depression, and advising Buffy to call him for counseling if the situation worsened. It had, and she still hadn't called him. She needed an answer but even her nightly patrols lasted longer than usual, and her playful banter with the vampires and demons had subsided; instead, she opted to quickly dissipate them, and move on to the next. Patrolling just wasn't as fulfilling as it used to be, and the hunter instinct within was crying inside, too. 'How can we fix this?'
When they had first started dating their freshman year in college, things were nothing but nerves, and anticipation for what would come next. The fears that both had from previous relationship were dominating their progress but they had managed to overcome that, and two years later, they were still happy. Now, though, Buffy couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. She wanted to chalk it up to fears again but she knew that there was more to it than just a fear of abandonment. They still loved each other, and hadn't parted yet, so there was still something there, something crying to be fixed so that things could get back to normal. The problem was...what was the solution? 'When will this end?'
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Waking before Willow would find her in their bed, she moved to take another shower, hoping that the cold water streaming swiftly into her face would wake her. Moving to the kitchen, she started the morning routine that had been so familiar in the household since she and Willow moved in while her mother was sick. Spike had convinced Giles that Ben was a demon after he noticed the transformation of the hell goddess, and realized that the humans were blocked to the view. Being his evil self, even chipped he was able to sway the watcher into killing the young man, ridding the problem of Glory once and for all, keeping the world safe once again. Giles went back to England after that, seeing that Buffy could handle herself without him, much to everyone in the gang's arguments. Joyce had died, leaving the blonde slayer in a proverbial wall of non-emotion, staying busy to avoid the reality of losing her mother and father figure all in the same year. 'We were able to get through that, though. What makes this time different?'
Hearing Willow groggily make her way down the stairs, she poured her a cup of coffee, leaving it on the island counter for her to find, and making her way into the morning sunlight on the back porch. A few minutes later, she heard the back door open, and ignored the quiet footsteps that made their way towards her. She just continued to stare at the yard, as Willow sat down in the wooden chair beside her. The two just sat there quietly, saying nothing, and letting the routine tension settle into the morning caffeine fix. A few minutes later, Buffy decided that she couldn't take the quiet anymore, and spoke up, not moving her gaze.
"What's happening to us?" Willow didn't look at her, opting to take a sip from her own coffee before cupping it in her hands for warmth from the morning breeze.
"I'm not entirely sure." Buffy just looked down, wanting to fix the problem, tired of not being able to kiss the redhead, or simply hold her in her arms. It had been way too long.
"Giles thinks we're just depressed but I'm not sure what we have to be depressed about. We've never been like this, though." Willow leaned back in her chair, trying to calm her unstable nerves, and gripped the chair's sides to keep herself steady.
"Well, Giles knows best, I suppose." The redhead finally risked a quick glance towards her lover, and Buffy moved her eyes a little to view her in her peripheral vision.
"Yeah, I suppose." They both just took another sip of their coffee, and went back to staring at the yard with blank expressions. "Willow...I still love you."
"I know. I still love you, too." Even though there was verbal reassurance, neither girl could smile physically. It just didn't feel like an appropriate response, not with this emotional big bad between them. "Buffy..."
"Yeah?" She took another swig from her coffee but barely got any of the steamy liquid, doing it more to have something to do, and pressing the cup against her lips.
"We need to fix this, don't we?" Buffy just released the cup from her tightened grip before the mug broke in her hand. She looked down before resting a pleading gaze towards her girlfriend. Willow mirrored the sad plea with her expression filled green eyes, and the blonde simply nodded. "What is it, though?"
"That's the problem, I think. Neither of us knows exactly." Willow sat back up in the chair, leaning forward, and resting her elbows against her knees, as she kept her hands gripped around the now cold mug.
"So, where does that leave us?" Buffy sighed deeply at the redhead's neutral tone that indicated emotions were being held at bay.
"I'm not sure." Buffy wanted to be honest; that's what needed to be done. That's all they could do. This problem, whatever it was, needed to be fixed, and she wasn't going to lose Willow in the process. So, she moved forward in her chair, and laid her cold mug on the wooden table in front of them, causing Willow to do the same. "Willow, I feel like...like, I don't know...like we're off base. You flinch when I go to simply brush my fingers against your arm. I mean, we haven't made love in over a month."
"I know. I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on but I want to fix it. I'm tired of feeling like this." Willow lowered her gaze to the ground between her legs, and started picking at the cotton of her pajama pants. Unlike her early bird girlfriend, she had only brushed her teeth before coming downstairs for coffee, knowing she'd have to clean them again later. It just gave her something to do besides lie around, and do nothing but cry.
"Like what?" The tone in Buffy's voice actually came from compassion, and for the first time in weeks, she felt the familiar need to hold tightly to Willow. She just needed her, plain and simple.
"I don't know...like...like I'm not me anymore. Like I'm nobody." Willow took a deep breath, and couldn't control the tears that started to fall from her face.
"Wills, you will never be a nobody. If anything, you are exceptionally more than just a somebody. You are everything to me." Willow managed a shy smile through her tears for the first time in weeks. She wasn't sure but she believed that a smile hadn't graced her features in over two weeks. The last time was when Xander got caught in a particularly horrible situation, and just kept digging himself deeper by talking. She hadn't even managed to laugh at the funnies in the newspaper in the morning, and the usually perky woman just didn't know what to think.
"Buffy...let's fix this. I don't care how, or who we have to talk to. I can't live like this anymore. I need you." Willow's pleading tone cause the blonde's tears to fall, as she reached out, and pulled them into an embrace. When the redhead's body tensed in her own, she wasn't sure how to react until both finally relaxed in the once familiar embrace.
"I need you, too. Should we...I mean..." Willow pulled back slightly from the embrace, not wanting to let go of her lover completely, opting to keep her arms loosely around her small body. The redhead didn't need an explanation, and the question didn't need to be asked. If they were going to fix this depression, they had to take back control. Losing it wasn't something that needed to be done, especially not on the Hellmouth. It kept them too vulnerable for attack.
"Yeah...we should...that is, if you want to. If you don't, then that's perfectly all right. I'll understand...I mean, it has been a while, and mostly that's my fault but if you don't want..." Buffy smiled genuinely, glad to see the babble back in her girlfriend, something she'd missed all month. She stopped her in the exact way she used to every time, regardless of where they were, or who was watching. Pressing their lips together before Willow would be able to react, she smiled again when she felt the redhead start to kiss her back. It was just like old times, and it was a definite step up from ten minutes ago. 'Ohhh...I've missed these lips...'
"Willow, let's go inside. I'm not sure the neighbors want to see us..." Buffy leered at her, glad to be back into old routines, even if they felt foreign at the moment. Taking back control meant doing things like they were a month ago, and that meant she was going to have to do what her normally happy self would do in this situation, which her body was more than frustrated to get things started.
"What?!" Willow's eyes widened in shock, and she felt her own frustration coming to surface. She could tell what the blonde was doing, and every nerve in her body was already being provoked. After their small talk so far that morning, their routine of avoidance was slowly melting away, and that let her give into her primal needs, and seeing the all too familiar stare from Buffy sent shivers down her spine that she hadn't felt for some time. No matter, they were very welcome.
"Come here..." Buffy motioned her towards her with a crooked finger, and Willow found her body moving without hesitation. They both needed this: to feel that once familiar comfort in the other's arms. When the redhead was pulled onto the blonde's lap, Buffy pulled her head tortuously close, making their lips barely touch but not quite kissing her. "One month is too long..." Buffy stood up, pulling the redhead with her, and picking her up in her arms, quickly pushing her way back into the house. It was Saturday, so that meant Dawn was home from school, and still in bed, which meant they would have to be somewhat quiet. They didn't feel like reliving the few times that Dawn had caught them making love around the house, especially now, since all they needed was each other.
Willow yelped as Buffy practically threw her on the bed with too long neglected passion, and it wasn't long before they were moving feverishly to pull the other's clothes off, wanting to feel their skin pressed together again after so long. When tops and bottoms were removed, Buffy's mouth latched onto her neck, leaving symbols that had long since faded, once again marking her as her own. They just continued grabbing eagerly over every piece of flesh they could find with their hands, trying to fall back into the pattern of driving the other mad with utter pleasure.
When their sweaty bodies crashed together finally, their breathing was too rapid to say anything, and their limbs were too relaxed to move. With nothing left to lose, Willow started crying into Buffy's shoulder, where the blonde was buried into hers. The blonde could feel the shakes coming from her lover's body, and knew that they weren't just from the aftermath of their lovemaking. When she felt Willow grip her body even tighter to her, keeping their sticky and sweaty bodies glued together, Buffy couldn't help but start crying softly herself. Their need to feel the other had almost completely dissolved the depressed state they were in recently. There were still a few things that needed to be worked out, such as what caused it in the first place. However, in that one pure moment, tangled together with utter abandon, they had managed to shake off their unexplained blues.