Make It Stop
by Red
I Need It
[reviews]
"I'm so waiting," Dawn stated, a determined look on her face.
"Dawn," Buffy began.
"It's ok, Buffy," Willow stopped her. Their eyes met and the witch managed a small smile. "It's ok. She has the right to know; what she hears, what it means; she's not stupid."
"Will, maybe this isn't the time."
"Then when is?" Dawn clepped. "After you beat her a new ass?"
"That's enough!" the slayer snapped, moving to her sister.
"Buffy, sit." Willow voice remained calm and quiet, but it got her girlfriend's attention. Buffy looked at her. "You heard me," she went on. "Now is the time and I'm going to do this, and if you don't want to help, fine, leave. If you do, which I am kind of hoping that you do, then sit and be a good slayer."
Buffy glanced at Dawn, who was somewhat shocked at the display in front of her, then took a seat on the sofa next to Willow. The youngest Summers furrowed a brow; her big, bad sister taking orders from quiet, little Willow? Weird much.
"Dawnie," Willow started, "I know how upset you are, how confusing this must all be...and it's ok, really, because I'll be honest with you; it's confusing for me sometimes."
"Then why do you do it? Hello, if it doesn't make sense to you, why do it?"
"She's trying to explain," Buffy said, eyeing her with a warning.
"It's a good question, one that I have asked myself, believe me. But the truth is, Dawnie, it's not all black and white. Things rarely are, you know that, living on the ol' 'hellmouth' and all. But I think I can help you understand, maybe a little bit, if you will just have a bit of patience."
Dawn nodded, sat back in her chair and waited for her friend.
"You know what happened, years ago," she began," with Xander's dad."
Dawn knew and it made her sick to even think about it. As long as she lived, she would never forget the night the redhead had remembered. It had shaken her to the very core.
"Well, it did things to me," Willow continued and Dawn noticed her hand was trembling ever so slightly. "Bad things, things that..." She paused and Buffy put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It made me different. Not all the time, but sometimes, inside, I am different. There's a badness, Dawnie, a badness that I can't always control. It's not easy to explain..."
She paused again, trying to keep her emotions in check. Buffy gently rubbed her back.
"Take your time, sweetie, take your time."
Dawn watched them, the love her sister felt for their friend undeniable.
"I'm okay." She gave Dawn a smile.
"You don't have to, Will," Dawn said, and she meant it.
"I want to. I love you, Dawnie. I don't like seeing you upset; and I hate that I'm the reason."
"No, you're not the reason," Dawn assured her.
"This is your house, sweetie, what goes on here affects you; I don't want you affected in a bad way."
"Willow, you could never affect me in a bad way. You're the best!"
Willow felt the hint of tears forming and wiped her eyes. Buffy put an arm around her and hugged her tight.
"Aww, you're sweet." She smiled. "But like it or not, what your sister and I do, does affect you. I love her, Dawnie and she loves me."
"Darn tootin'!" Buffy chirped, squeezing her tighter.
Willow giggled, then continued, a solemn expression coming over her beautiful face.
"When the badness comes, it's overpowering, suffocating; it makes me want to do not nice things."
"Hurt yourself?" Dawn's voice was soft.
Willow nodded. "Hurt myself. I can't explain it, really, except to say that all of these thoughts, these images, flashes, words, they consume me. It gets so crowded in my head, so many feelings, fighting back and forth...It gets to be too much, Dawnie; the flashes, words, I start thinking these horrible things, about myself; things like, like..."
Her voice wavered and Buffy tightened her embrace.
"It's ok, Will," she gently soothed.
"Things like, maybe it was my fault, maybe I deserved it, maybe...maybe..." She began to cry.
"It's ok, Willow," Dawn said, ashamed she had pushed her friend to this point. "You don't have to go on."
"Like maybe that's my purpose, in life...pain...maybe that's all I deserve, all I'm supposed to have."
"No!" Dawn cried. "No, that's not true!"
Willow managed a small smile through the tears.
"I know that, most of the time. But sometimes...sometimes it gets all blurry; sometimes I'm not sure what the truth is. And that's when, well, badness."
She wiped her eyes and Buffy placed a soft kiss on her cheek. Dawn felt tears well up in her own eyes and fought to keep them back. It wasn't easy. Buffy's face bore trails of wet as she held her girlfriend and Dawn wished she had never brought them here.
"I hate myself," Willow's voice shook. "I hate how I feel, hate that I take shower after shower, bath after bath, and I still don't feel clean enough; hate looking in the mirror seeing me; hate feeling like I'm good for nothing but a punching bag!"
She was now crying openly. Buffy pulled her close, embracing her with protective arms and Dawn watched, the battle to keep her own tears from falling, a lost one. At the moment, she hated herself more that she ever thought possible. Seeing her mentor, her friend, the woman she considered a sister as much as her sister, shaking with sobs, broke her heart.
"Goddess, I'm sorry," Willow murmured, trying to calm herself.
"Sh, it's ok, baby," Buffy soothed, stroking her hair.
"Dawnie, Dawnie," she said, looking at her. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry you have to see all of this. Please, please don't hate me."
Dawn moved from her chair to Willow, kneeling in front of her and putting a hand on her leg.
"I could never hate you, Willow," she promised, smiling at her. "I could never do anything but love you."
Her words made Willow smile through the falling tears and she reached down and put a hand on her shoulder. Dawn took the hand and held it tight.
"It makes it better, Dawnie," she finally said. "Buffy makes it better. She makes the badness go away; she doesn't hurt me, not real hurt and she keeps me from hurting myself. It's hard to explain. When the badness comes, the need to hurt is so powerful, I can't fight it, can't get away from it. That's what leads to...to me cutting, hitting and burning. And lately, like the other night, to me going to a stranger, begging to be hurt. Goddess, Dawnie, I can't tell you how that felt...how I hate myself for that!"
She cried harder. Dawn held her hand tighter, letting her know she wasn't alone. Buffy bit her lip to keep from breaking down, as her arms held onto her love.
"But I couldn't help it, Dawnie! Goddess, I couldn't help it! I didn't want to, tried so hard but it was just too powerful! I should've went to you, Buffy, I know and I wanted to so bad...goddess, I'm so sorry!"
"It's ok, baby," Buffy soothed, squeezing her tight. "I know you tried."
"When Buffy spanks me, Dawnie, she doesn't hurt me." She cracked a small smile." Okay, I sit on pillows for a few days, but it's different. The crave for it, to be hurt, is so strong...Buffy takes care of it in a safe way. I know she's not going to hurt me; I know she will make it go away. I can't explain it anymore. I just know that if I cut or hit or anything, I feel worse after. If Buffy spanks or paddles, goddess, the bad all goes away. I don't know why, it just does...and I need that, I need the peace. I wish you could understand."
She did. For the first time, Dawn understood. Oh, not everything...but enough to know that what went on between them, what had only yesterday made her furious, was something that the witch needed; it didn't matter the technicalities, or her own thoughts; what mattered, was Willow's happiness, Willow's peace. And it was obvious that Buffy was the one holding the key to both.
She gave Willow a warm smile.
"I get it," she said. "And I say, anything to make my Willow happy."
Leaning up, she hugged her and kissed her cheek, wiping her eyes as she did.
"Your Willow?" Buffy teased, raising a brow.
Dawn grinned. "My house too, remember?"
"And your bed..." the Slayer hinted, nodding towards the stairs.
"Yeah, yeah, send the kid upstairs. I get it." She stood up and cracked a smirk. "Guessing I should wear the headphones to sleep tonight."
Buffy blushed but Willow merely smiled.
"Unless ya wanna hear the naughty slayer get a spankin'," she purred.
Dawn's brows shot up and she hurried up the steps. Willow turned to Buffy and giggled.
"Aw, is my naughty slayer blushing?" she cooed, stroking her cheek.
"I don't blush, Will," Buffy replied. Willow cleared her throat. "I don't blush, my Mistress Red," she corrected.
Willow smiled and kissed her softly on the lips.
"Mm, pouty slayer lips...mistress like."
Buffy brushed a hand over her face.
"Are you ok, baby? She asked. "Really okay?"
"As long as I have you, yes."
It was Buffy's turn to kiss her and she did, planting firm yet tender lips onto Willow's. When they finished, the slayer grinned mischievously.
"You said something about a spanking, Mistress?" she purred, slipping a hand under her tee.
"Goddess, horny much," Willow quipped, playfully tugging on blonde hair. "Darn it, Pet, what am I going to do with you?"