Cry
by DarkWillow
[reviews]
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine. Wish they were. Oh, well, can't have everything. Song's not mine, either. It's Faith Hill's. Story is mine, though, that's a start...
Could you cry just a little,
Lie just a little,
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain?
I gave, now I'm wanting
Something in return,
So cry just a little for me...
"Buffy, I..." I sighed, glancing at the girl sitting beside me on the bed. Just say it, Willow. What's the worst that could happen? Oh, that was an easy answer. So many things!!! But if I never said it, I'd never know, and I couldn't keep living a lie - better I say it to her directly than make some mistake and her find out that way. That had almost happened last night; I couldn't take a chance of it happening again... and she hadn't reacted badly last night, so maybe I had a chance.
"What is it, Will?" There it was... Buffy's nickname for me. Pet name, I liked to imagine. I felt my heart flutter in my chest and drew in a deep breath to try and steady it. I had to say it, I had to say it...
"IloveyouBuffy," I blurted out quickly, barely above a whisper. She looked at me uncertainly; I could see her out of the corner of my eye.
"What?"
"I love you," I repeated, slower and a bit louder, still staring at my hands.
Buffy smiled at me. "I love you, too, Will! You're my best friend!"
I shook my head. "No, not like that! Well, I mean, yeah, like that too, but that's not what I meant. What I mean. It's more than that. I... I love you, Buffy. Like, not just friend love. Since last night... I think I... I think I'm in love with you. I have been for a while, I guess... I just didn't know. But now I do. You just mean so much to me, and I... I love you."
I glanced up at her, and I could see the look in her eyes: surprise, disbelief... fear? And just a glint of something else; what was it... but then she was standing, shaking her head, backing a step away from the bed, away from me, and my heart pounded painfully in my chest. She opened her mouth, closed it, shook her head again. "Willow, I..." She sighed, closed her eyes for a second, and shattered my world with one word. "No."
"W-what?" My heart had been pounding before. Now it felt like it had stopped altogether.
"No. I mean, We can't. You can't. I can't. Don't. I don't." I stared at her for a moment as she sighed and continued. "You're my friend. I love you. As a friend. But I don't love you in any other way."
She didn't? But, last night... I had thought... it really seemed... "N-not at all?" I managed.
"No, Willow. I don't."
I looked at her, looked her in the eyes. Expressionless, almost. No, something was there... denial. Rejection. Everything that went along with her 'no'. That was it. No hint of that thing that had been there before, whatever it had been. "O-oh. Well... t-that's... that's o-okay... I m-mean, yeah." I felt the rush of tears and quickly looked away from her, fighting them back. "Y-yeah. I... I k-kinda... I mean..." The tears choked my voice; I barely managed to squeak out "I-I'm s-sorry..."
Buffy sighed again. I looked up at her, a few tears escaping my eyes. I suddenly wanted a sign from her, something, anything. This hurt so much... a hint of regret, a glimmer of sympathy, a single tear. Anything. If she could just show me that this hurt her, too... maybe I could cope. I had bared my heart to her... if she would even lie to me... just one little tear. But there was nothing. She opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her off, tearing my eyes away from her face to stare at my hands once again. I couldn't deal with this, I was about to break down, and I couldn't let her see that.
"I g-get it, Buffy. Totally. It's o-okay. R-really... No b-big." I stood up, still staring at the floor. "I-I'm gonna... go f-for a walk." I headed towards the door.
"Are you okay?" she asked, and the concern in her voice pierced my heart like a stake, a fresh wave of pain that brought the tears flooding down my cheeks. I kept my back to her as I opened the door.
"Yeah. I'm fine." My voice sounded amazingly steady all of a sudden; how'd that happen? "Just want to take a walk. I'll be back in a while, okay?"
There was a long moment of silence, and then she softly answered "Okay." I stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind me.
**********
"...I love you." Those words at the end of a babble spree. Typical Willowy babble spree; she was so adorable when she babbled like that. But those words shocked me, swept me away, and for a moment I was speechless. "Willow, I..." What should I say? What could I say to that? So many responses ran through my mind. "No."
I could see the pain flood into her expression. "W-what?" I wanted to snatch that word back, but I couldn't.
"No. I mean, We can't. You can't. I can't. Don't. I don't." I took a deep breath; this was so hard to say. "You're my friend. I love you. As a friend. But I don't love you in any other way."
"N-not at all?" She gave me another chance to change my mind.
"No, Willow. I don't."
She looked into my eyes; I kept my expression as neutral as I could. I couldn't let her see. She couldn't know.
"O-oh. Well... t-that's... that's o-okay..." she stammered. "I m-mean, yeah." She looked away from me, her voice shaky. "Y-yeah. I... I k-kinda... I mean...I-I'm s-sorry..."
She looked at me again, a few tears leaving wet trails down her cheeks. Oh, God, I had done that. She looked so broken... and I had broken her. I wanted to cry; the tears were threatening to come to my eyes, but I held them back, keeping my expression neutral. I couldn't let her see how this was hurting me, too. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, to try to fix it, but she looked away again and spoke before me.
"I g-get it, Buffy. Totally. It's o-okay. R-really... No b-big." She stood, avoiding my gaze. "I-I'm gonna... go f-for a walk." She walked towards the door, carefully skirting around me. I watched her worriedly.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine." Her voice wasn't shaking anymore. It was almost calm... too much so. Too bright, too quick. "Just want to take a walk. I'll be back in a while, okay?"
I stared at her back for a long time; she wasn't looking at me, was staring straight at the door. I reached out to touch her shoulder, spin her around, make her look at me... my hand stopped less than an inch from her, hovered, pulled back, dropped to my side. "Okay." I had barely finished the word before she walked out of the dorm, pulling the door shut behind her.
I don't know how long I stood there, staring at the closed door. My heart told me to run after her, catch her, hold her, never let her go. My brain kept me still. You had to do it. Why?
You're the Slayer. Anyone you love is a target for every demon out there. You put her in enough danger already. But I can protect her. What happens when you aren't there? I hurt her so much... You saved her from danger. You did what you had to. But what if she's in danger out there now?
I stepped back, sat down heavily on my bed, my eyes never leaving the door. "Oh, Willow...I love you, too..."
**********
I was numb. No, not numb. There was pain. Oh, God, there was so much pain. I couldn't breathe, it hurt so much. But behind that there was numbness. Under the pain, there was nothing. I couldn't think, couldn't feel, there was nothing but the pain.
Why had I said anything? Why had I thought it would be safe to? I'm such an idiot! Last night... was a fluke. It was dark, we were talking, movies, girl night, we were both tired. So what, it seemed like Buffy wanted to kiss me? So what, I thought she nearly had? So what, we fell asleep in the same bed, and woke up with her arms around me? All a fluke. And I had taken it too far. And now... now I had gone and ruined it... all of it. She probably wouldn't even want to be friends anymore!
She hadn't looked sorry. She hadn't looked upset. She had looked... I don't know. Bored? Not really. Annoyed? Not quite. Just... expressionless.
She didn't care. Not a single tear. Not a flicker of sorrow. My heart had been ripped out, but she either didn't notice or didn't care. If she had cried just a little, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. But she hadn't, and it did.
I had been walking for a while, now, bumping into people, staring at the ground, with no idea where I was going. I had probably gone in circles, really, just walking the roads my feet knew from so many patrols with Buffy. God, she was in every part of my life, even where I chose to walk... I reached up to brush tears from my eyes; they were quickly replenished.
Maybe I could compose myself, go back, act like nothing had happened. We'd be friends, I wouldn't lose her completely. But, what if we couldn't? What if I couldn't? I knew I loved her. What if I couldn't act like I didn't? And she knew now. What if she thought I was weird, thought I was freaky, didn't trust me, didn't want to be around me? I choked out a sob; I couldn't take that. I couldn't lose her. I had to get back to the dorm; had to find some way to make everything right. I glanced around; I recognized where I was, now I knew where I was going, and it wasn't far back to the campus.
I stepped off a curb; the white stripes on the black pavement indicated a crosswalk. My mind knew this without really registering it; I didn't care. I didn't think; I barely noticed anything, my brain focussed on it's goal: getting back to Buffy. That's why the voices never got past my ears, why the screeching sound never registered, why the screams never broke through the haze in my mind. There was no pain - it would be impossible for there to be any more pain - only an impact, a crushing pressure, a flash of red... and then, nothing.
**********
I was getting worried. Willow had been gone for almost an hour; it was nearing sunset. She shouldn't be out after sunset. But if she wasn't paying attention, she could be too far away from the dorm to get back before the sun actually went down.
I was doing what was best for her. I felt sure of that. She'd be better off not being in a romantic relationship with me. She'd be safer. Things would be better. I knew that. But it didn't make it any easier.
I had been pacing the dorm, thinking. Okay, maybe I couldn't be with Willow in a couply type way. But I couldn't lose her as a friend. I needed her. And I loved her. There had to be some way to fix this, patch it up and move past it without losing our friendship. And I would find it, because I could not lose Willow.
Okay. Where was she? She should be back by now! It was getting late. I looked at the door, willing it to open and let her walk in. Of course, though, the door didn't do what I wanted it to.
I finally felt fed up with waiting. I grabbed my jacket out of the closet. I'd go for a walk, too. And if I happened to find her and bring her home, then hey, what a coincidence, right? I headed out of the dorm and off campus, picking a direction on instinct, hoping I was right.
It wasn't long before I noticed a group of people gathered in the middle of the road. Something was going on; the sun wasn't down yet, so it probably wasn't slayerish, but I felt the need to investigate anyways. I headed for the group, stopping one woman who was heading away from the scene. She looked at me, and I could see the horrified expression in her eyes; the look of someone who had witnessed something frightening and/or terrible. It was a familiar look to me.
"Um... sorry... what's going on?" I asked, trying to seem merely curious despite the sense of dread growing in me.
"Oh, God, it's awful... the poor girl... I have to call 911!" she burst out, pushing past me towards the coffee shop nearby, I assumed to find a phone. The feeling of dread was growing; I hoped it was just paranoia instead of my Slayer insticts kicking in.
I pushed my way into the crowd of people, looking past people's heads to see that they were gathered around a form lying in the street; the still form of a person lying in a growing pool of blood; a girl, on her side, facing away from me, short red hair splayed out against the pavement, covering her face... familiar hair... green shirt and blue jeans torn and bloodstained... familiar outfit... "Oh, God. Oh, God, no. No. No! Willow!"
A burst of speed pushed me through the crowd, shoving people out of my way as I went, ignoring words of protest as I knelt by her side. "Willow! Willow!" I moved to shake her, pull her into my arms, but a man grabbed my shoulders to stop me.
"Don't move her!" I looked at him in disbelief; don't move her? Don't take her into my arms and hold her, don't wake her up and bring her back to me? "We don't know how badly she's hurt..." Was he blind; obviously she was hurt badly!!! "And moving her could make it worse."
Somehow those words reached my panicked brain, made sense. Right. Don't move her. But I couldn't just leave her there... Oh, God, there was so much blood, it couldn't all be her blood. There was no way this was all her blood. "W-what happened?" I stammered, reaching out to brush hair away from her face; she didn't move, her eyes were closed, she was so pale, there was a cut on her forehead that was leaking blood, more blood.
"Hit and run," the man told me gently, kneeling beside me now, one hand still on my shoulder. "She was crossing the road, and she seemed out of it... she didn't notice the car, and didn't hear people yelling, I guess, and it hit her and then drove off. Do you know her?"
I nodded shakily. "She's my... my best friend... Oh, God, Willow, no." I heard him say that someone had called an ambulance, I heard sirens from a distance, but none of that really registered. All I could see was Willow. I couldn't lose her... I couldn't... this was my fault. Oh, God, this was my fault. And she wasn't moving, was she even breathing? I couldn't tell. She was bleeding, she was dying, it was my fault.
I gently lifted her head from the pavement, careful not to move her any more than that, and laid her head in my lap. Her blood was staining my clothes, my hands, how was there so much blood? "Oh, Will..." I choked out as tears filled my eyes, overflowing and spilling down my cheeks. The tears I had held back earlier... I should have let them fall, should have let her see, should have told her... I cried now, but she couldn't see. The tears came too late for her to see. Choking back sobs, I leaned down to kiss her blood-covered forehead, whispering "I'm so sorry... Don't leave me... I love you, Willow. I love you..." She didn't respond, at all.
And you'd cry a little,
And die just a little,
And, Baby, I would feel just a little less pain.
I gave, now I'm wanting
Something in return,
So cry just a little for me...