Loving Willow
by Rin
7
[reviews]
Part VII:
Winifred Burkle had not left her bed for three days except to use the bathroom, and change the movies occasionally on her television. Her parents were seriously worried about their daughter, especially since she had missed school, which she had never done, even in Texas when she was sick. She always insisted that she was fine, and was out the door before they could protest. Now, though, they were seriously worried. She wouldn't even take phone calls, even from her girlfriend. She wouldn't talk to either of them, she just retreated into herself completely, and they were at a loss of what to do. They had tried everything that they could think of, even making her favorite meal but she still wouldn't budge from the niche she formed under her blankets.
When the doorbell rang, they were hoping that Willow was on the other side so that she could figure out what was wrong with their daughter. Instead, they found her best friend. Cordelia Chase greeted them kindly, and they were relieved that she was there to talk some sense into their daughter. Making her way up the stairs, the Burkles prayed that the leggy brunette could figure it out.
She didn't even bother knocking on the door. She had heard from Xander what exactly had happened, or what he saw of the happenings. He explained how he, Fred, and Giles had woken up to find Willow and Buffy gone but both of their things still there. Figuring they had just gone for a walk, or to the bathroom, the three decided to try and find them, in fear of something being wrong. Instead, they had stumbled upon Buffy and Willow seriously making out in the lobby. Cordelia had to hit him in the back of the head to break him out of his dazed state to get him to finish the story. He then explained how Fred ran away, and out of the library without saying anything, and then how Giles had talked with Buffy and Willow in his office. Giles asked him to leave, and he reluctantly did, since he wanted to stay because Willow was in serious turmoil. After Fred hadn't shown for school the next three days, Cordelia decided it was time to find her friend.
"Go away." Fred's voice was quiet, and distant. It almost didn't sound like her because there was no chipperness or excitement seething from her tone. Cordelia just shut the door behind her, and came over to sit on the bed, placing a comforting hand on her friend's arm. Fred didn't even react; she made no sounds or movements. "Please go away."
"Fred, sweetie, I'm afraid I can't."
"Please just leave me alone." Cordelia sighed, and decided to bring out the big guns. She pulled Fred's blankets off of her, and stood at the foot of the bed, waiting for Fred to at least snap. Angry Fred would at least mean that she had reacted. Instead, the girl still lie there lifeless, curled into a fetal position.
"Fred. You need to get up. You smell like Xander's gym socks, and trust me, that is a place you never want to be." Still no reaction, and Cordelia went over to kneel by the bed, bringing her face to face with the girl. Fred wouldn't look at her, and Cordelia almost panicked at the pitiful sight of her friend. She appeared hollow, like something had completely torn out all of her insides, and nothing was left of her except this shell. "Fred. Get up. I'm not going to beg." Fred just began to blink away tears, trying to hide her emotions. Cordelia noticed this, and knew she could break through finally. "Fred, if you don't get up, I'm going to have Buffy come over here and kick your ass out of bed."
"Why not? She's already kicked me enough." Then, Cordelia knew she hit a spot. Just a little further, and she knew she could break her down.
"Yeah, well...get your ass out of bed before Willow gets here." With this, Fred turned around, and Cordelia could see the girl's whole body shaking, her sobs louder than expected. "Fred..."
"Just go away, Cordelia."
"No. Not until you talk to me about this. You have to talk to somebody. There's no sense in you being all mopey, depressed girl. It doesn't bode well with you. Now, get up before I am forced to call in backup." Fred turned her tear-stained face around just enough to see that Cordelia had on her 'queen bitch' expression, and that she would in fact do something drastic if she didn't do what she was told. Dejected, Fred reluctantly sat up, and hugged her knees tightly to her chest. Then, Cordelia lightened up, and moved to grab a box of tissues, handing one to Fred who took it, and wiped her eyes. For a few moments, the only sound in the room was Fred's sniffles. "Xander told me what you guys saw."
"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter now, does it?"
"Why not?"
"Willow doesn't love me anymore."
"What makes you think that?" Fred's head snapped up in anger. Cordelia internally patted herself on the back, proud that she was getting a response.
"Well, she sure as hell had enough of her tongue down Buffy's throat."
"How does that make her not love you?"
"Gosh, Cordy, I don't know. She didn't look like she hated it very much. Matter of fact, quite the opposite. They were all over each other." Fred finally jumped out of bed, and started pacing the room in angry strides. Cordelia just sat back, and let the girl fume. "I didn't want to stick around, and have to hear Willow tell me it's over. I'm not ready for it to be over. So I ran, I couldn't deal just then. Hell, I still don't think I can deal. I'm not sure that I can ever deal. It just...it...it hurts sooo much." With that, she slumped to the floor in a ball of sobs. Cordelia joined her, and started rocking the girl back and forth to soothe her crumpled form. "Why does it hurt so much? I feel so empty. Cordy. Please...tell me." Cordelia moved back to look at her friend's face once she calmed down.
"Fred." She sighed, and moved the hair behind Fred's ear that had matted to her forehead from three days worth of sweat and tears. "Fred, I know it hurts. But...there's something that you should know before you jump to conclusions." Fred looked up pleadingly at Cordelia, and Cordy almost broke her resolve and cried herself at the childlike ache that was emanating from her best friend's friend. "Willow...she didn't kiss Buffy." Fred looked confused, and then her anger started to swell again.
"Could've fooled me."
"No, look. Yes, she kissed her back but something strange has been happening." Fred dropped her anger, confused. "Buffy has somehow lost control of herself, like something has completely possessed her body's reactions. She kissed Willow, yes. But, I can tell you that she is probably more than angry at herself, no matter how much she liked it." Seeing Fred begin to get angry again, Cordy quickly continued. "You see, Buffy is in love with Willow. I'm not sure how Willow feels about her. She's always been too caught up in you for any speculation to be raised. Willow is so crazy about you, and I know that right now, she feels as empty as you do. She's been walking around school, and she's just not herself. There's none of that infamous babble, which is actually soothing to my ears for once to have her get to the point directly instead of going around everything else to get to it." Knowing that she was getting off subject, Cordy quickly backpedaled. "Anyways, the point is it may be nice but it's not right. I miss the two of you babbling, and being so cute that it's nauseating. You need to talk to Willow because this depression mode you two have gone into is more annoying." Fred sighed, and stood up with Cordelia.
"What if she just wants to break up with me?"
"I guess that you'll never know until you talk to her. Plus, seeing how she's been acting, I don't think that's on her agenda. Things are confusing right now, especially with this supernatural thing that's taking over all of our emotions. Giles has been researching, and Xander and I have been trying to help but what he really needs is the two smarty pants in the family. Now, get up, please take a shower...not just for you but for all of us, and get dressed. I'm taking you out for some ice cream."
"Ice cream?"
"Yes, ice cream always makes things better. Now, get going." Fred nodded, and went to begin the process of getting her life back.
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"Hey, Will." Buffy stood at her friend's doorway, while Willow gripped the door nervously playing with the door knob. "Can I come in?"
"In? What...I mean..."
"We need to talk."
"I know." They both just stood there, gazing anywhere but at each other.
"Then, can we talk inside? It's kinda cold outside. See? Cold." Buffy breathed, eliciting a mist in the air. Willow nodded, and they moved into her living room.
"Do you, um...drink? I mean, do you want something to drink?"
"No, I think we just need to jump right in before I lose my nerve."
"Nerve, right. Um, should we sit down?"
"Yeah, probably." Both girls sat down on the couch, facing forward, hands on their legs, neither one speaking for a minute. "Will...I'm sorry."
"Huh? I mean, yeah...me, too."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Willow. I was the one that was all with the move making. You were only the receiving end."
"Yeah but I didn't push you away, either."
"Will, something's seriously wrong."
"What?" Willow looked offended, scared, and sad at the same time.
"No, not with you, Will. You were great. Man, you have no idea." Buffy again averted her eyes, then turned towards Willow on the couch, and Willow mirrored her actions so that they could face each other. "Something has been happening to me, and I'm not sure how to explain it without telling you something first. I'm afraid to, though, because I know it'll change everything between us, and I don't want to lose you."
"What is it, Buff?" Willow was a mix between concern and nervousness.
"I'm in love with you." They both were quiet for a little while, until Buffy spoke up again. "And, I've tried to hide it. I was doing fine there for a while but then, all of a sudden, my body started reacting on its own, and I couldn't stop things from happening, despite what I tried to do. It's like I had lost complete control of my body, and it reacted on its own. I don't understand it but it's true. I would try to avoid doing something irrational but all of a sudden, when I was around you, especially alone...I found myself saying things and doing things..." When Buffy noticed Will's labored breathing, and downcast eyes, she quickly explained. "Willow...it'd be like I found myself touching you longer, lingering to touch you more often. Holding your hand, hugging you longer, playing with your hair, the other day when I was tickling you. Saying things that I try not to say out loud."
"So, you don't really mean any of them?"
"No, I do, that's the thing, Willow. I don't want to do them because you have Fred, and you're happy, and that's all I could hope for but it's like I can't control my reactions or actions to being around you. The other day, when I...when we...even though I wanted more than anything to kiss you, I knew that I couldn't but my body refused to listen to the actions that my mind was telling it. Something's messing with me, and it's even messing up my slaying. Like in the mayor's office, when he was able to get to me like that. The trance, all of it...the way I went all grrr...on the way to the office, the fact that the vamps I encountered managed to get in all those good jabs. All those cuts and bruises, I should've been able to take them easy but something was controlling me. I need help, Willow. I talked to Giles about this, and he's been researching the past few days but nothing is coming up, and before I do something I truly regret, I needed to talk to you about all of this. I needed my Willow to help fix this. I'm scared." Buffy's tears were coming down in puddles, and Willow's just sat there, transfixed to her spot, tears sneaking up behind her own eyes. "Please, don't hate me." Buffy sounded pitiful, and that snapped Willow back to reality.
"Buffy, no. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I'm just...I didn't understand why you kissed me. It's all been confusing, and Fred...she won't talk to me. It feels like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions, and I don't have anybody to help me put myself back together. Not being with Fred, it's like..." Her tears were now falling freely, and she wiped at them, wanting to be strong. "I miss her, it's like I'm not complete if she's not there with me."
"You love her, that's completely normal."
"More than anything but Buffy, the confusing part is that I kissed you back. I knew what you were doing but I didn't push you away. The part that has me going in a hundred different directions is that I liked it...when you kissed me. It was like I was on fire, and I couldn't pull away. I'm not sure what that means exactly but I'm still very much in love with Fred. I just can't lose you, either, Buffy. I need you, too." Both girls looked at each other for a few moments before they sighed. Suddenly, Buffy started to laugh, and Willow soon joined her.
"We really are crazy. Willow, I missed you, and yes, I'm not going to deny that I love you anymore. Maybe that'll help me get my control back, I'm not sure, we'll see but I never want to hurt you. We'll get Fred back for you, if it's the last thing we do."
"Thank you, Buffy."
"No, thank you, Will for being so cool with all of this." She motioned between herself and Willow. "So, what now?"
"Well, I'd say we get together with Giles, and start to figure out this control problem. If it's effecting your slaying, too, then I'd say somebody has some sort of a spell, or controlling device that's causing you to act this way. Once we figure that part out, then on with the sneakiness to figure out who's doing it. Somebody must want you at your worst so that they can get away with something big."
"That doesn't explain why Faith isn't being controlled then."
"How do you know that she's not?"
"Well, she's not shown any signs or said anything about it."
"Yeah, because Faith is all about the sharing."
"You're right, maybe we should call her in, and have Giles talk to her, see if this thing is effecting her, too." Willow thought about it for a second, and then threw all cares aside, and grabbed her best friend in for a hug. "Will? Are you sure this is a good idea? You know, with the no control thingy..."
"I don't care. I need a Buffy hug, they're known to cure anything that's ailing you."
"Even those pesky morning after awkwards?"
"Especially those." Both girls sighed, and pulled apart. "See, no touchy, feely. It's all good for now, and I even got my Buffy hug!"
"Yay! I'm glad to have you back, Will. Mopey girl was kinda gettin' bad."
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"That reminds me."
"What?"
"The first thing we need to do on our trip to recovery."
"What's that?" Buffy moved to pick the phone up, and dialed a familiar number.
"Is Fred around?" She listened intently to Mrs. Burkle on the other end. "Oh, okay. Well, when she gets back, can you tell her that Buffy called? Thanks." Then, she hung the phone up, and turned back to Willow. "She's not there. She went out with Cordelia. Something about ice cream."
"What?"
"Nothing to worry about, I'm sure, Will. This is a good thing because we at least know that she's left her house now. Cordelia must've gone over, and pulled her out of bed. I'll bet she was mopey girl, too. Worse since she didn't even come to school."
"Yeah, she wouldn't even take my calls. Her mom said she refused to talk to anybody, even me." Willow looked downcast and sad again.
"Will, I'm sure she just needed time to deal. How would you have reacted if you caught her doing...you know...with Gunn?" Willow's head shot up scared, and the nervousness and anger was seeping off of her waves. "Calm down, it's just an example to prove that Fred just needed time to figure things out for herself. Now, apparently Cordy managed to break through, just like we just did here."
"You're probably right. It just hurts. I feel like I'm no longer me if she's not with me, you know?"
"I do, Will. Remember when Angel first turned into Angelus?"
"Yeah, I guess you do know. Thanks, Buffy. For everything."
"You're welcome, Will. It's what I do...I'm like best friend extraordinaire. Well, when I'm not trying to stick my tongue down your throat that is, which won't happen again. We'll fix this, and things will be back to normal in no time. I promise." Both girls sighed resolvedly, and smiled at each other. They weren't sure what was supposed to happen next but they figured that they could only go up from there.
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"How about strawberry?" Cordelia was trying to help Fred pick out a flavor of ice cream, and so far had only succeeded in several shakes of the head, and many explanations of why each particular flavor wasn't suitable.
"Willow used strawberry lip gloss."
"I thought you said she used cherry lip gloss."
"She likes to mix it up a little."
"Well, what about this flavor?" She pointed to an advertised cutout of a new flavor. "Double chocolate mocha delight. Sounds interesting. It's new, which means that you have nothing to associate this with her."
"We were supposed to come here this weekend to get it." Cordelia let out a frustrated sigh, and gave up suggesting. "Look, Cordy. I appreciate really, I guess I'm just not in the mood for ice cream right now."
"That's fine. We'll just take a walk or something." When they left the shop, they started walking down the dimly lit streets back to Fred's house. The sun had set while Cordelia was going through all thirty-two flavors, and the girls were now tuning in more to their surroundings in case a vamp was looking for a snack.
"Thanks for getting me out of the house. I'm not sure how long I would've stayed in my room before my parents started to call a therapist. I think they thought I'd gone crazy or something."
"Gone crazy? You've been a member of the nutcase club since I've known you."
"Well, you know what I mean." They walked in companionable silence before Fred finally made a decision. "I'm gonna do it."
"Pardon?" Cordelia stopped them, with shock, and an arched eyebrow.
"No. We've already, ya know...just, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go over, and talk this out. You were right. It just hurts is all."
"Yeah. These things have a tendency not to feel so good."
"Can you drive me there?"
"Good because I really hate walking in these shoes." With that, the two girls walked back to Cordelia's car, and made their way to Willow's house. When they got there, they saw Buffy walk out the front door. Cordy saw Fred's body tense. "Don't jump to conclusions. They probably had things to work out, also. Go get your woman. Now shoo!" Cordy practically pushed Fred out of the passenger side, and watched Fred walk to the door reluctantly, pacing several times before she actually suppressed the illuminated button. She saw the two girls standing at the doorway, saying nothing, and when Fred finally walked in, and Willow shut the door behind her, Cordelia drove away.
"Hi."
"Hi." Neither girl knew what to say. When Willow opened the door, she suspected that Buffy must have forgotten something but when she opened it, she saw a very nervous and fidgety Fred instead. Without saying a word, Fred swept by her, and Willow shut the door. Now, they just stood there frozen, not even daring to look at each other. "Would you like something to drink maybe? Or, a seat? Would you like to sit down? Maybe a snack? Have you eaten? I can probably order a pizza or something. Or, there's..."
"Will. Willow." Both girls stopped, and stared at each other, still frozen in place. "Let's sit down." They moved to the living room, and sat down exactly where Buffy and Willow had been earlier, the seats still slightly warm from their previous conversation.
"So...how are you? You haven't been to class for a few days. I tried to call your house but your mom said you didn't want to talk."
"Willow. What happened?" Fred didn't want to break down again so she opted to play furiously with the hem of her shirt sleeve instead.
"I don't know."
"You don't know? How could you not know? We saw you...I saw you...you and Buffy. If you don't know, then you're not as smart as everyone thinks." Fred stared at her, her eyes boring into Willow's, screaming for an explanation that wouldn't hurt.
"I know. It's just...something happened."
"You're right something happened. Just tell me, please. Why did you kiss Buffy? I thought we were happy. I thought you loved me." Fred's tears were flowing free again, and Willow's dam broke once she saw how much her lover was aching.
"No, it's not like that. I do love you. More than anything. We were happy, it's just that something happened. I didn't mean for it to but it did. It wasn't planned."
"So, you love her?"
"Of course I do, she's my best friend." When Willow saw Fred's eyes avert to the couch cushions, she laid her hand on her bended knee. "But it's not like the love I feel for you." Fred looked up, seeing only sincerity and love plastered on Willow's elfin frown.
"So, you...you don't want to break up with me?"
"Of course not. I could never want that. But you took off before I could explain."
"Explain that you had your tongue down Buffy's throat? I think I got the memo." Fred looked away from Willow again, sarcasm pouring from her every word.
"I know, and I'm sorry doesn't seem to cover it but that's all I have. All I know is that one minute, Buffy's telling me how she killed the mayor, and then she kissed me."
"But you were kissing her back."
"I know. It just happened so fast, and I..."
"Did you like it?" Willow was quiet, and Fred looked back up to find that she was now avoiding eye contact. "Will?"
"Yes." Her reply was so quiet that Fred barely heard it but she had, and she felt her heart shatter all over again. She started having trouble breathing, and all she could hear were her gasps for air, as she felt like her life were being drained from her slowly. Willow noticed her girlfriend start to struggle for breath, and quickly moved to help. She pulled Fred's head down in her lap, and stroked her back gently, saying soothing words to help calm the girl down before the panic attack became too strong. Fred didn't protest, and clutched onto Willow's legs, sobbing into her lap. "Fred, baby. Just because I liked it, it doesn't make it right. What we did, we know that but something else is wrong. Buffy...she's, well...she's in love with me." Fred's sobs grew stronger. "She's somehow lost control of herself, her actions and reactions towards people and things, especially around me and while she's slaying. We think something's trying to control her, make her weaker, like it's feeding off her biggest fears. She said it's been gradually happening for awhile now but it wasn't too serious until the other day with the mayor." She rubbed Fred's back gently, as the other girl started to release her death grip on Willow's legs. "She didn't mean to kiss me. As a matter of fact, she was trying not to but her body acted on its own. I know that still doesn't help matters that I didn't stop her...but you have to believe me when I say that I want to be with you." Fred's sobs had died down to a gentle whimper, and her grip was loose on the side of Will's shirt now. Fred's words were mumbled into her stomach but she could make them out clearly.
"I wanna be with you, too but it just hurts sooo much, Will."
"I know, baby. I hurt, too. And so does, Buffy, and we're going to fix this, and once we do, everything's going to be perfect again. You'll see." Willow cupped Fred's chin in her hands, and pulled the girl's head up to look her in the eyes. "We'll make it perfect again. I promise. I love you." Fred saw the sincerity and love in her eyes, and she relaxed a little, nodding her head before turning it to kiss the palm of Willow's left hand. "We'll be okay." She turned her head to kiss the other palm, and leaned into her face into it, her senses overthrown by aloe and green tea.
"I love you, too." Willow smiled warmly, and let a deep sigh of relief wash over her entire body, and moved Fred into a tight embrace, continuing to rub her hands along her back. "I'm sorry that I acted so harshly."
"No, no. You didn't react harsh. You reacted naturally. Like a human. It's one of the reasons I love you so much."
"Because I'm not a demon?"
"That, too." Both girls giggled softly. "But because you have such a big heart, and you love things, you love me so much that your heart broke. Mine did, too. I deserved it. I should have stopped it but I didn't. Then, I saw you running away, and it was like I felt my life leave me. I didn't feel whole anymore. When Giles talked to us after that, I barely registered the conversation. The only thing I could think of was how much I hurt you, and how much I wanted to make it go away but it wouldn't, and I was afraid I would never see you again."
"Willow. I love you because you're not a demon, too. I felt the same way, and I can't promise all flowers and candy romance right away. I think it'll take time but...I don't want to lose you. You complete me."
"Okay, Jerry Maguire. Give it up. You know you had me at 'you're not a demon.' I'll take what I can get, as long as it's you." Fred moved back to look at her girlfriend, and after a few seconds, leaned in, and kissed the worry lines on her forehead.
"Well, then. You can have me." With that, Willow nodded, kissed Fred gently, and moved back against the couch as Fred snuggled into her, as she wrapped the blanket on the couch around their forms.