Angels Fall First
by DarkWillow
[reviews]
Disclaimer: Still don't own characters. ::sigh:: Very sad. And the song is by Nightwish... awesome band, so I don't own it either. I don't even own the movie idea; it's Princess Mononoke, by Hayao Miyazaki. So I don't own any of that. One day... but the story; still mine! Ah, ha, I win! Well, sorta. Not really. Yeah. Story now.
Needed elsewhere
To remind us of the shortness of our time.
Tears laid for them:
Tears of love, tears of fear.
Bury my dreams, dig up my sorrows;
Oh, Lord, why
The angels fall first?
Noises. That was the first thing I noticed; dim, dull noises, but they were getting louder. Slowly but surely getting louder. Voices, and beeping, and... sirens? Yeah, sirens. Why sirens? Gosh, sirens could get annoying... and now they were getting really loud, like they were pretty close to where I was... wherever I was. Where was I, anyways?
I took a moment to try to figure that out. My mind wasn't exactly working well; everything seemed so fuzzy, and it was taking a lot of effort to gather my thoughts... what thoughts there were to gather. But I could figure out that I was lying on something, and there were people around - thus the voices - and some things beeping, and... someone was holding my hand? Yes, I could feel someone's hand around mine.
And that's when feeling really kicked in. And there was no fuzziness there. Waves of pain washed over me; everything hurt, and I mean everything. Every breath seemed to tear my lungs, and I could feel each beat of my heart like it was trying to break out of my chest. And behind the pain I was cold, so terribly cold... except for my hand, the warmth of skin against mine. Somehow I could feel that, beyond all the pain and the cold and the noise and everything there was that contact, like a lifeline keeping me from being overwhelmed by it all.
I wanted to open my eyes, I wanted to see where I was, I wanted to know why there were sirens and what all the beeping was and who it was there holding my hand. But my eyelids felt so heavy, I just couldn't urge them open, and trying hurt. Everything hurt. I wanted to say something; in fact, I wanted to scream, to cry, to stop this agony and fall back into that darkness that had held me a moment ago. But the only sound I managed was barely a sound at all, just a soft whimper I couldn't even hear; just feel in my throat as another shot of pain. But over the voices, the sirens, the noise and bustle and beeping, someone heard it, and that someone held my hand more tightly and spoke soft, comforting words in my ear. For a moment the voice was just a voice; I couldn't make out the words, but it was still comforting to hear. Then my brain began to process what was being said until I could actually make sense of it.
"...Shh, Willow, it's okay. You're going to be alright, just hang on." I recognized that voice. I knew I did. It was memorable, unforgetable, I knew that voice. Oh, yes, I did, and now I just had to open my eyes, just for a second, just to be sure.
The amount of effort this took was amazing. How could simply opening my eyes be so hard? But I finally managed to crack them open, just a bit... and then swiftly close them again; oh, God, it was so bright! I tried again, more hesitantly this time, and managed to stand the light, peering out through mostly-closed eyes until my surroundings became a little less blurry. Yeah, I was laying on something flat, on my back, staring up at a whitish metalic ceiling, and there was machinery around, a lot of types of mechanical thingies I didn't recognize - the fact that they were currently blurry grey blobs didn't help - and people, messing with the machines... all but one person, who was kneeling next to me, looking down at me with concern clearly written on her features.
Buffy? I tried to say it, I really did, and I think my lips formed the word, but I had no voice, no strength behind it. Still, though, she heard it, she understood. She always does.
"I'm here, Will. I'm here..." She stroked my forehead; her touch was so gentle, so warming, and I was so tired. I let my eyes fall closed again, let myself drop back into the darkness, until the noises dimmed and the pain faded and there was only her touch, and her voice, and then even that fell away into nothing once more, the last words I managed to make out echoing in my failing mind. "Just hold on, Willow... Don't leave me..."
**********
I heard her whimper. Somehow, over all the noise in the busy ambulance, I heard it. Call it Slayer senses, call it lover's intuition, I don't know which it was and I don't care. All that mattered was I heard it. And I understood it. Willow was scared, she was in pain, she was barely holding on and I couldn't let her give up. I lowered my head so my lips were by her ear, talking softly and hoping she could hear me.
"It's alright, Willow. Stay with me... You're safe. Shh, Willow, it's okay. You're going to be alright, just hang on." She stirred slightly; her eyelids flickered and my heart skipped a beat. She finally managed to open her eyes ever so slightly, just enough for me to see the pain and confusion and fear hidden in those clouded green orbs. It took her a moment to focus on me, and she stared at me for a moment, uncertainly. Her lips formed my name, but no sound came out. She was too weak, too far gone to manage another sound. But that wasn't going to stop me from answering.
"I'm here, Will. I'm here..." I reached out to stroke her forehead, careful not to touch the cut - it was bleeding badly enough, crimson blood even soaking through the bandage pressed against it. Didn't need me brushing against it and making it bleed more. I watched worriedly as Willow's eyes drifted shut once again. She had only been awake for a minute, and I don't think anyone but me was aware she had awakened even that long. "Just hold on, Willow..." I begged quietly. "Don't leave me..."
I could hear the bustle of people around me, but everyone had learned after their first attempt to move me that there was no getting me away from Willow, so they were letting me kneel beside the stretcher she was lying on and they were working around me. They were talking, and I was catching snatches of the senteces, none of them encouraging. She was in shock, her pulse wasn't stable enough, her breathing was too shallow, she was losing too much blood too fast. I knew what all that meant. The other terms being thrown around I didn't really understand, medical jib-jab I didn't even try to decipher. All I knew was that it wasn't good news, and I could have guessed that much already. Her skin felt so cold, and she was so pale, so still...
I wished she would wake up again. I wished she would move. Make a sound. Squeeze my hand. Anything to show me she was going to make it. She couldn't die. I was the Slayer! I was supposed to die first! And she wasn't supposed to die like this, anyways, she was supposed to get old and die peacefully, or if she had to be killed then it was supposed to be some demon that I could kill, but she wasn't supposed to be killed by a careless person in some stupid car! She was supposed to have so much time left... why Willow? Why couldn't it be me there?
A tap on my shoulder drew me out of my thoughts as the ambulance slowed to a stop. We were at the hospital; they needed to move Willow, they needed to get her into ER. They needed to save her. But I couldn't go with them.
I was directed towards the waiting room. I knew where it was, but I wasn't exactly eager to go there... Apparently I stood staring down the hallway where they had taken Willow for long enough that one of the men decided he needed to show me the way. Which he did, leading me there and sitting me down in one of the chairs, telling me something about a nurse that I didn't really hear, and then left. I found out what he had said a few minutes later, when a nurse showed up to look me over. I insisted I was fine - it wasn't me who had been hit by a car, after all - and she insisted that I at least get cleaned up and half lead, half dragged me to a bathroom to wash the blood from my hands and clothes. Well, she washed; I just kinda stood there, listening to her rattle on about how she was sure my friend would be fine and what good doctors she had looking after her. It would almost have been comforting... if it weren't Willow's blood she was washing off me.
She eventually took me back to the waiting room, moderately clean, and I sat there for what felt like hours. It might have been hours, for all I knew. It felt like my mind and body were on shutdown, and only one thing could get them started back up... hearing, seeing, knowing that Willow was okay.
Finally a doctor came out to get me, explaining that Willow was in a room in ICU. They had her stabilized - for the time being - and I could go see her, if I wanted to. There was no question there! I had to see her. The doctor led me to the room, told me that he'd be trying to contact her family, and left. I hesitated a moment before walking into the room and pulling a chair beside her bed. I looked at her for a moment before taking her hand. Her skin still felt cold. She was deathly pale, many bandages covered many wounds, a heart monitor beeped faintly to testify to the fact that she was really alive. I focused in on the sound; a bit unsteady, a little too slow, but wonderfully present. She had a heartbeat. She was alive. I squeezed her hand lightly. "Come on, Will. You can beat this... please, wake up."
**********
"So, what movie next?" Buffy asked me, flipping through our choices. It was 'movie night' for us; we were both in our PJ's and by now on our fourth movie. "Practical Magic? A Kight's Tale? This anime thingie Xander had?"
I shrugged, pouring more popcorn into a big bowl. "You pick." I sprawled myself out on Buffy's bed, and she popped in a movie and lay down beside me. "Which one?"
"The anime one. I think it's the only one neither of us have seen. And, hey, might be good. You never know." She reached around me to grab a handful of popcorn as the movie started.
Really, it was an interesting movie, it seemed. Something about this boy who was injured by a demon and had to find a forest spirit to heal him before the mark left by the demon spread and took over his body or something like that. On the way he came upon this mining town where they were cutting down the forest to mine better, and that made the forest's giant animal guardians mad, so they attacked the town, led by a girl who had been raised by the giant wolves; the boy ended up falling in love with the girl. I'd have to watch it again sometime to understand it all, really... I honestly wasn't paying too much attention. I had other things on my mind.
I was lying on my side on Buffy's bed, head resting on the pillow. Buffy was lying right up beside me, propped up on her elbow to see the TV over my head. She was pressed right up against me on the small bed; I could feel her breaths on my neck when she'd glance down at me, or when she'd move a bit to get comfortable. And somehow that was occupying my mind a whole lot more than the movie was managing to.
She kept reaching around me to get popcorn from the bowl I held, so for a moment her arm would be around me. Which was no big deal, of course. She was my best friend. My best friend, who had her arm around me... because she wanted popcorn! Yeah, of course, because popcorn is good. Who can withstand the lure of buttery, salty, popcorny goodness? So of course she just wanted the popcorn, which I was holding, so because she was behind me on the bed she had to reach around me to get it. Yeah. Popcorn. Of course.
"So, wait, why is the girl so ticked off?" Buffy asked me after a while, referring to the movie.
"Because the townspeople are cutting down the forest she and the animals live in. Plus they shot that really big wolf; that one that's like her mom? So now her mom's dying, because the bullets back then were lead; they'd poison you if they didn't go all the way through," I explained, rather suprised and impressed with myself for actually knowing this, considering the amount of attention I'd been paying to the movie.
"Ah. Okay. Yeah, that'd tick most people off."
I nodded. "Yeah," and we faded back into silence, she probably watching the movie and I rather distracted by the patterns her fingers were absent-mindedly tracing on my back. It wasn't like this was the first time we'd had a girls-only movie night... but it was the first where I'd actually paused to think about exactly how close she was to me. And, wow. This was, in itself, a rather confusing new - yet not so new - development. Buffy reached around me again, but the popcorn bowl was empty... so she just left her arm there, draped over my waist. Wow. She had her arm around me!
A while later the movie was drawing to an end. The Forest Spirit had been destroyed, which was sad, but it was killing stuff... which wasn't really it's fault; it was looking for its head... long story. But anyways, the guy and the girl had won, and now they were lying there on the ground and they were pretty dang close to each other and this is the point in most movies where they would be kissing now. ...But apparently not in this movie. And then the boy was going to stay in the town to help re-build, and the girl was going back to what was left of the forest with the wolves, and that was the end.
"Well, that was annoying!" Buffy commented, sounding - well - annoyed. "They didn't even kiss! And he should have gone with her."
"Yeah, I know!" I agreed. "But it was still a good movie." ...I think.
"Yeah, it was. And it was one of Xander's. Who knew?" She stretched and yawned, and a second later I was yawning too... it really is contagious. "Sleepy?"
"Mmhm." I yawned again to punctuate the statement. She chuckled slightly and sat up, taking the popcorn bowl and setting it on the floor, then using the remote to turn off the TV, sending the dorm room into darkness. I rolled over onto my back as she lay back down, turning my head to face her. "Five movies; that's pretty good for one night."
"Yep. We've got a new record, I think."
I nodded and repeated my 'Mmhm' drowzily. I was thinking I should probably move to my own bed when her arm draped around my waist once again, chasing those thoughts away pretty darn fast. I shifted slightly so that I was on my side facing her; our faces were real close together, our noses were almost touching. We stared at each other in silence for a long time, and I think she leaned in a bit, because suddenly the tips of our noses were touching. Maybe it was me who leaned in. We were so close... oh, God. My heart was pounding in my chest; I felt sure that she would be able to hear it.
"Goodnight," she said softly. I could see her eyes, deep, beautiful hazel eyes looking into my own, and it took me a minute to find my voice enough to whisper "Goodnight" back.
I wanted to stay awake; I wanted to spend all night staring at her. But I was tired, and I could already feel myself drifting off to sleep. I settled a bit closer to her and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of her body pressed against mine, her arm around me... Whatever dreams I would have that night were going to pale in comparison to this. I was already having one of the best dreams I could think of... and it was real. I felt myself smile as everything faded into darkness.
**********
Three days. Three long days Willow had been lying terribly still in this hospital room. Still in ICU, and there had been a couple moments where I knew - even though the doctors always downplayed the event - I knew that I had almost lost her. But they had her stable once again, so here I was, sitting beside her bed, holding her hand.
I knew what was wrong with her, now. I'd had it explained, and it was a long list. Broken ribs, punctured lung (which was why her breathing was so shallow), multiple contusions (or cuts, for us not-so-medically-inclined people), severe bruising, massive blood loss, fractured spine (which could wind up with her partially paralyzed... if she ever woke up), and a concussion, to name the main things. All the doctors and nurses were trying to encourage me - she didn't need life support yet, for example, that was a good sign - but I could tell they weren't very optimistic. But she was fighting... she was holding on.
Everyone had come in to see her: Giles, Xander, Anya, even Spike had made an appearance. That had been interesting. He'd demanded all the information I could give him on what happened, how it happened, what the car looked like, what the driver looked like. Then he just looked at Willow for a long moment, sighed, and walked out... and, I could be wrong, but I think he was muttering about 'Bloody idiot American drivers mowing down innocent girls, should all be drained and buried'.
I'd even brought in Mr. Gordo to keep Willow company. He was sitting beside her on the bed; I had arranged it so that she was holding him in one arm. He could keep her company when I wasn't there... which, granted, wasn't often. I was almost always here. If I wasn't at class - Willow wouldn't want me to fall behind - or on patrol - which Giles still had me keep up - I was here.
"Hey, guess what, Will? You were in the newspaper again today," I informed her. Maybe she could hear me, maybe she couldn't... I liked to think she could, and that she knew I was here with her. "Entire article. All about how you're still hanging on despite the expectations, and asking again for any info about the accident. We haven't found the guy yet, but one of these days we're gonna get him." I thought of anything else to say on that topic. "Oh! You'll like the picture of you they had this time. I think they got it from Xander. It's that one of us at Giles's house and we're looking at those books and Xander pulled out the camera and you noticed and looked up and smiled at him 'cause you knew you couldn't hide fast enough, and I didn't notice so I'm still looking at the book. You look really good in that picture.
"You know what? We need to get more pictures of you. You're very picture-worthy, you know, and it's so hard to find a picture of you because you hide from the camera! But the pictures we have are all great ones, and we should take more, so you need to wake up so we can get more pictures of you, Will." There we go, I'd hit on the issue. Not the pictures, of course. Not that I didn't want more pictures of her.
"You really need to wake up, Willow. I need you to wake up. We're all so worried about you, and I know you can do this, because you're strong. You're strong, and you can beat this, you just have to hold on and fight it and come back to me, because..." I trailed off, taking a deep breath to try and compose myself before choking out "Because I love you, Willow... I love you." I dropped my head beside her on the bed. "Come back to me, Willow... please. I love you so much...."
Needed elsewhere
To remind us of the shortness of our time.
Tears laid for them:
Tears of love, tears of fear.
Bury my dreams, dig up my sorrows;
Oh, Lord, why
The angels fall first?