Letter To Your Heart
by HDGenscher
[reviews]
TITLE: Letter To Your Heart
AUTHOR: HD_Genscher
RATING: PG
PAIRING: B/W
SPOILERS: Becoming (part 2), Anne
DISCLAIMER: All characters and places belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, et al.
ARCHIVE: Why not? Just ask.
FEEDBACK: If you liked it, I'd appreciate your feedback. And if you didn't like it, it'll help me a lot if you point out what I did wrong.
DEDICATED TO: Shyfox & Kirayoshi. I'm under your spell.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again, I have used some pieces that are not mine: Buffy's dream is a slightly modified passage from the shooting script of "Anne", written by Joss Whedon. And the poem excerpt is from "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.
Last but not least, I have to thank my beta reader, Kris P.
------
Sunnydale, July 8, 1998
Dear Buffy,
I came to a decision tonight, and I hope that it's a good one. I decided to write a letter to you, even if I have no idea where to send it. I hope this will help me to cope with what I feel.
I miss you so much.
I hacked into the police server yesterday and checked their reports for hints, but they weren't able to locate you yet. That's bad news. At least they didn't find a body that resembles your description. That's good news.
Without any news about your fate, I'm constantly torn between hope and despair. And the longer I'm in this state of mind, the more grey and dreary the world around me seems to become.
It's misty. Yes, it's true: sunny Sunnydale has been covered with thick mist since the beginning of the week, as if the Earth were concealing her face in mourning.
Xander, Oz and I still patrol every night (even Cordy was with us a few times) and we were able to track down some vampires. Unfortunately, as many as we find are usually able to escape.
For you, it seemed... no, I will not use past tense here... it seems to be so easy, so simple. For us, it's a lot of trouble and we're only able to do it with teamwork. With the full moon coming up next week, we'll even have to do without Oz. We need you, you see?
Wherever you are, please give me a sign. Call. Write a letter.
The best decision you could take, however, is to come back!
Yours,
Willow
---
Los Angeles, July 12, 1998
Dear Willow,
Please don't think that I'm dead or that I want to leave you in the lurch. I'm sure you're having a hard time at the moment. I suppose that Mom, Giles, all of you, are worried about me. I'm sorry.
I was so confused. Angel was back, his soul restored - thanks to you. He was so helpless. I hugged him, soothed him, and then I rammed the sword into his heart and sent him to hell.
I wasn't certain why I did that, and somehow I'm still not sure. At first I just wanted to be as far away from Sunnydale as possible; away from everything to think it over alone.
I thought I could live with Dad for a while, but he would probably have called Mom immediately, and that's why I didn't visit him.
I went to L.A. nonetheless, and rented a small room. I'm earning my living as a waitress at a diner around the corner.
Tonight, I dreamt of you. I woke up and sat down to write you a letter - something I've never done before: To commit my feelings to paper, to write down what's on my mind... I'm not very good at that. Give me a stake and I'll dust every vampire. A pen, however... My sword is definitely not the word. But I'll try.
My dream was about you.
About us.
The waves crash gloriously onto the bright and silent beach. There is no one to be seen for miles around. I'm walking slowly, my bare feet digging into the sand. I stop, looking off in the distance.
As I close my eyes, letting the sun warm my face, two arms slide around me from behind. It's you, Willow, holding me, burying your face in my neck. I reach up behind me to caress your face.
"How did you find me here?" I ask you.
"If I were blind, I would see you," you tenderly whisper back.
"Stay with me," I say.
"Forever," is your reply. "I'll never leave..."
I understand something very important now, I think.
I thought I could just run away and forget everything. Here in L.A. I'm just a young woman with blonde hair, in a city full of young women with blonde hair. I believed I could live another life and pretend I'm someone else.
But when I did that, I left you.
When I went to sleep yesterday evening I was Anne, a young girl considering herself to be free and not having to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders every day.
As I awoke today I was Buffy again, because I realized that I've been wrong -- I don't feel free. Instead, I feel like something very important is missing in my life, something I left behind in Sunnydale. I miss you... and it's becoming more and more every day.
I think I'm in love with you.
Yours,
Buffy
---
Sunnydale, July 14, 1998
Dear Buffy,
We read a poem by Robert Frost in American Literature today. Did you even know that school started again? I took notes for you as well so you can catch up on everything when you're back.
The last verse of the poem says:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I'm telling you this with a sigh: I took one of the two roads (the one that's broad and paved and well-lit) and it led me to Oz. And although I love him, I'm not in love with him. My heart has always yearned for someone else, ever since the first day I met you.
But it took me two years to realize that. I was afraid of the road less travelled. I think it's time for me to go back to the crossroad (and I deeply hope that it's not too late) and then choose the right path.
Love,
Willow
---
Los Angeles, July 17, 1998
Dear Willow,
I didn't send my last letter. I couldn't do it. I burned it and scattered its ashes to the wind. I hope at least something from me is getting to you that way.
I don't know whether you feel the same about me as I do about you? If I would have sent the letter, and you don't return my feelings, I would not only have lost the one I love, but also my best friend.
Well, I have to go take care of a strange thing. It seems I'm not even spared from mysterious incidents here in L.A.. People have been disappearing in my district lately, and something or someone is responsible for that. Lily - a girl I met here that you may know as Chantarelle - is missing her boyfriend and I promised her to look for him. I believe I found him, even if he was a confused old man...
I'll have to check the blood bank; that's the only clue I have. I wish you were here; usually you're the one who knows what's going on. On the other hand, I don't want to put you in any danger.
I'll go now. I'll get to the root of the problem, solve it like I always do, and then I'll come back to you. I promise!
I love you,
Buffy
P.S. What will it be like, coming back?
Will you be out there in the night, hunting down the vampires that would usually be my duty? Will we meet under that old gnarly tree? Will it be raining, softly and warm?
Will you drop the stake you're carrying and throw yourself in my arms, holding me tight...
because you've always felt the same, ever since we first met...
due to that pure magic called love?
Will it ever be?
I am yours. Are you mine?
---
Sunnydale, July 18, 1998
Dear Buffy,
grey and desolate.
rain
at the stream:
never been kissed
at time's end.
dreamt of you, missed
you so much
I met you in my dreams last night.
There was a flowery meadow, and an old, gnarled tree beside a broad river. The rain fell in sheets, but it was a warm and soft summer rain.
We were both standing there, wet to the skin. I couldn't believe it. You were finally back!
At last you took me in your arms, and then...
Then you kissed me.
And it was the first time.
If I think about it, I've... never been kissed.
Not like... that, anyway.
The raindrops were running down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. They could also have been tears.
I just don't know how to tell Oz. But he'll understand. When you're back, I'll talk to him. With you by my side, I'll get through this.
Love,
Willow
---
Los Angeles, July 20, 1998
Dear Willow,
There's an ancient belief that I've heard of somewhere. I don't remember the details very well, but I think it went like this:
We are born complete. Then, one half of our soul is lost. And we go on a quest - that we call life - to find that missing part within someone else. I believe I found the one that completes me.
I know now why I sent Angel to hell. I had to do it because I had to save the world. But I also wanted to end what was between us and what I once thought was love.
Angel, who would always become Angelus again if we were together.
Angel, who would be capable of doing those horrible things again that we went through.
I didn't want that anymore.
But that's not the whole story.
At the moment Angelus became Angel again, I knew you did it. And that you did it even though he was the one responsible for you being in the hospital.
You did it for me.
At that moment I realized who makes me complete. You are that one, Willow.
I'm all alone here in L.A. and I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with you.
Oh, I gotta go now. The Greyhound to Sunnydale is coming soon.
See you tonight...
I love you,
Buffy