Emotional Release
by DawnBTVS
[reviews]
Author: DawnBTVS
Disclaimer: All characters, places, etc. belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Corp. and FOX.
Rating: PG for language.
Feedback: Always welcome.
A/N: Credit to Rin for being my beta gal. How I love you!
Background: Takes place post Season 1, sometime during early Season 2. Not related to my other short story.
I lower myself onto the black hard plastic hooked onto the metal chains hanging down from the pole. I place a hand on each chain to steady myself, just watching my black boots dragging along the shadow covered pebbles beneath. They occasionally scatter with a soft kick, but for the most part they remain undisturbed by my presence. I lift my head up, eyes taking in the vacant emptiness of the park. I know I'm prime vampire bait right now, but I don't really care at the moment. I run a black sleeve across my nose to cut off the sniffles that were about to occur. I return my hand to the chain on my right, just idly sitting there.
~~~BTVS~~~
I can see her from behind. She's definitely been keeping up with the gothic image that she had chosen to go for over the past few weeks. I guess it was the ultimate rebellion against her parents. She rarely talked to us anymore, instead staying in seclusion in a corner of the class, or heading past the library. The Willow I had met, evidently wasn't good enough for us anymore. I try so hard to figure out what happened, but I can't see the correlation anywhere. She has on a black fishnet shirt, holes cut in the sleeve ends for her thumbs, and fingers to come forth, revealing the black nail polish she usually adds during art class. Her black jeans hug her hips, spiked collar around her neck jutting the spikes out as if to warn others to stay away, warn us to stay away. I silently walk forward, taking a seat next to her on the next swing. She stays quiet though, and I'm not sure if she's even aware of my presence.
~~~BTVS~~~
It's Buffy. I close my eyes, a thousand thoughts running through my mind. She was the reason I changed. I couldn't handle my feelings anymore, so I tried to cut them out. It was drastic at first, but it's become me now. We're both silent. I contemplate just getting up and leaving, but I decide that I at least owe her a conversation, before I depart again. I tried to not love you, Buffy. I tried so hard, but it just wasn't working! You never noticed either, making it hurt that much more. You never noticed me before, funny that you notice me after I changed.
~~~BTVS~~~
I glance at her. She's watching me, a quiet sadness in her. Her eyes show anger though, and I frown, returning my gaze back to the ground. I never thought Will could ever be angry with me. What did I do? She was my best friend, so why do I feel like I was the one that drove her to go to such measures? She has on black eyeliner and her lips are crimson, not black as usual. I glance at her hands, watching her fingers wring around the chains.
"Why?" I ask, quiet, watching Willow, who's lifted her head back to me. She gives me a sad smile, almost like a clown who wants to laugh, but can't see the reason.
~~~BTVS~~~
It's a loaded question, but Buffy doesn't know that. I give her a smile, grim, cold as it has been for weeks now. I can't tell you that, Buffy, and if I did I know that it would be the end of us. Although one could argue that I was making strides towards there being an end of us without even getting to the truth. Truth's always hard, but how does one tell their best same sex friend that they can't handle the love that is not requited.
"I can't tell you. Did you ever see me, Buffy?" I ask, deciding if she wants to go to the jugular than I'll put her right there too.
~~~BTVS~~~
What does she mean? I can tell that she's asking for some underlying meaning, that I can't see at the moment. I'm afraid to answer, and I watch her lower her hands from the chains. She can see that I don't know what she's asking, and that thought scares me. I can feel it in my bones that she's gonna go away now, and this time she won't give me this chance again.
"See you?" I ask, knowing that it's the wrong thing to say, but not knowing what she's asking for. I was your best friend, Willow. I trusted you, so what more do you want from me!
~~~BTVS~~~
She doesn't understand. Of course she doesn't, like she ever could with her fawning over Angel. I give a smirk and stand up, anger running through my veins. I can see Buffy behind me, head lowered, eyes welling with tears. I turn and start to walk away, but stop. I guess anger is getting the best of me. I turn around and stab a finger at her, glaring in hatred, confusion, and pain. She lifts her head, almost disbelief on her face that I'm still here.
"I tried so hard to get it out of me, Buffy. I tried to silence it by roaming over guys, thinking as hard as possible about them having sex with me, just to stop the torment. You had no idea, either. You didn't want to see me for who I was, Buffy. You wanted to see me as your stupid sidekick, your friend to reveal all your personal turmoil with. Like I could've told you, even if I wanted to. Open your eyes, Buffy! Get past the damn surface. Get past the makeup, the fishnet shirt, and the black jeans. You never could though, so I'm guessing that I shouldn't even bother. Whatever," I grumble, just disgusted at her. Disgusted with myself for even trying to communicate my feelings. I turn, starting to walk away. I can feel her behind me, and she's angry now. How fitting that my one love is angry with me for not being able to see me. It's your fault, Buffy!
~~~BTVS~~~
"See you? I was your best friend, Willow. I saved you numbers of times from countless demon attacks. If it weren't for me, you'd be dead ten times over. What more do you want from me? I was there for you when those vampires attacked in the audio room. I was there for you when you didn't have a date to the Spring Fling," I say, and Willow whirls around, angrier than before. I look at her, confused. What are you trying to tell me, Willow?
~~~BTVS~~~
"Oh yeah, Buffy. You were certainly there for me at that dance. I was busy sitting on the side, watching you dance the night away with Angel. You'd glance at me, but then you'd just drift your eyes back to Angel, and be lost in him all over again. Some friend. You know how heartbreaking it was to see you like that? Of course not because you never bothered to see the little details and instead assumed everything was from Angel. Perish the thought that I was the one sending you the flowers or the candy," I say, turning, wrapping my arms around my stomach. I wipe away a couple stray tears. She's silent. Gee, guess you finally figured it out, huh, Buffy?
~~~BTVS~~~
They were white roses. The candy was just candy, but the white roses had remained on my bedside table since I received them. Oh God, I had no idea. Oh, Willow. I never meant...She's right. I never noticed at all. Oh God.
"Willow," I say, voice starting to break.
~~~BTVS~~~
She's finally got it. I can feel the anger dissipating when her voice breaks saying my name. I let out a low sigh, and turn around. I stare at her, a firm stare, but one of almost pity now. The pity for her taking it this long to see and pity for me for never coming out with how I felt about her. I can see the tears welling in her eyes, and it takes all I have in me to not chuckle and crush her spirit. Guess I still have a little venom left in me.
"I would sit in bed at night, thinking. Wondering what you and Angel were doing or how your patrols were going. I tried hard to not think that way, Buffy. I honestly did. With your smile, and your mostly optimistic attitude, you made it so tough, Buffy. The morning after I sent you those white roses, I was so proud of myself. I knew the chocolates had no real impact, but the white roses were supposed to be my coming out to you. Then you showed up, smile on your face, so pleased with the roses. I remember you even gave me one as soon as you saw me. You wouldn't believe the pleasure I had at that moment. A dream come true can't even apply. "Angel gave me these," is what you said. Not even a "hello, Willow." Your first words to me were about Angel. I cried at home the whole night. It was that moment, that I realized that you would never reciprocate my feelings. What good is it following the girl you love, if you'll never be with her? You wanted to know why, Buffy, so there's your answer," I finish, quiet, pain in my voice. Buffy takes a step forward, causing me to take a step back. I give her a sad smile, knowing she wants to make me feel better. We both know she loves Angel though.
~~~BTVS~~~
I stand frozen in place. I want to comfort her, but I can sense that she doesn't want me to comfort her. I just entwine my fingers together, not sure what to do next. I look up at her. I can see the pain in her eyes as she watches me. I can practically read what she's thinking all over her. I can see now that she has feelings for me. I just don't know if I have those feelings for her however. She's probing me with her eyes, I guess trying to see if there's any hint left in me of a possible relationship.
"I had no idea, you're right. I guess the crush blinded me," I say, softly. Willow flinches a little at the word crush. I give her a thin smile. "I don't know what to say," I comment, as Willow kicks at the ground with her boots. She lifts her head. Her voice is filled with need.
~~~BTVS~~~
"Say you love me?" I half ask, half beg Buffy. She glances down, eyes on the mushy grass caused by the past couple days of rain. I'm begging now, knowing this is the last point before we separate. Buffy lifts her eyes up to mine, and I can see her answer in them. I let out a giggle, clapping my hand over my mouth to calm my nerves. I can feel the tears falling. Buffy just looks at me sadly.
~~~BTVS~~~
"I'm not sure," I answer, watching it crack Willow right to her soul. I wince internally, not wanting to hurt her, but not wanting to lie to her either. I have feelings towards Angel. I have some feelings for Willow, but I just don't know if it's love or not. She lets out a giggle, one of hysterics. She brings a hand up, clapping it over her mouth. I watch the tears fall, each one leaving a similar, but different path down her cheeks. "I do have some feelings for you, Willow. I just don't know if it's love," I state, sad. Willow just gives me a small smile, like she doesn't believe me, or thinks I'm just trying to make her feel better.
~~~BTVS~~~
It's getting colder now. Buffy didn't really dress appropriately, although neither did I. I seem to be a bit warmer than Buffy though, as she's shivering. I guess her white t-shirt isn't holding off the breeze. I smile at her, taking a couple tentative steps forward, trying to gauge her reaction. She remains still, I guess afraid to make me run off. Normally, I would've been gone a few comments ago, yet I'm staying. I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's the fact that Buffy seems so vulnerable. She's never been this vulnerable around me. Usually it's been Angel that she'll let her shield down, but not me. I continue forward, until I'm a couple steps away from her, and she's searching my eyes.
~~~BTVS~~~
I'm cold to the point where I'm shivering now. I watch Willow cautiously walking forward, wondering what she's up to. It fills me with excitement and fear. She's now a couple steps away and I keep my eyes on hers, wondering what she's going to do. She gives me a soft smile, an arm reaching up, hand pressing against my cheek. The hand's warm against the cold air. I swallow nervously.
~~~BTVS~~~
I press my hand against her cheek. My eyes fastened onto hers for any sign of rejection. She leans into my touch slightly. I take another step forward so our faces are only inches apart. I lean forward, taking her by surprise, though I can tell that she was expecting it. I press my lips softly against hers, 1... 2.... 3...and break away from her. I lower my hand from her cheek.
"I love you," I whisper, pain filling my body. I close my eyes as I turn, pushing my hands into the pockets of my pants, and start walking away. I can feel the tears running down, the lump in my throat, knowing this is the last time I'll ever be this close to Buffy Anne Summers.
~~~BTVS~~~
"I love you," she whispers, and I can hear the pain and truth. She lowers her head, and turns. I can hear the crunch of pebbles as her boots walk away. I stay frozen, mind a bit hazy from the kiss. I stare after her, mulling over my thoughts, trying to decide what to do.
"Will!" I shout, starting to dash after her.
~~~BTVS~~~
I can hear her feet slapping the pebbles as she chases after me. I pause at the shout of my name. I don't turn around, not wanting to let Buffy see me in my crushed state. I feel a hand on my shoulder spin me around. I let out a low growl, angry at Buffy for wanting to add more pain. I can only take so much. I glance up, catching sight of her eyes a second before her lips crash into mine with fervor.
~~~BTVS~~~
I catch up with her. She's still. I place a hand on her shoulder, spinning her around. She lets out a low growl, displeased, but I ignore her anger. I place both hands on her shoulders, pressing my lips against hers, just needing her to know. We break apart, both of us a little dazed. Willow looks at me, confused, questioning in her eyes.
"Will..." I say, trailing off.
~~~BTVS~~~
We break apart. She says my name again, trailing off. I stand my guard, waiting for her to continue, but she stays silent, conflicted inside. I close my eyes and start to turn but she stops me with a hand on my shoulder again. For a split second, I contemplate shrugging it off, but her next words cause me to face her again.
"I need you," Buffy whispers, desperation in her voice. I eye her, trying to determine if it's real. Her eyes are constantly searching mine. I crack the barest of smiles.
"Need in what way?" I ask, firm, but the sense of hope still there. She gives a small smile.
"Need your love," she answers. I nod my head, taking this all in. Here she is admitting that she needs me that way, but I'm still not sure.
"What about Angel?" I ask, keeping from throwing myself into her arms just yet.
~~~BTVS~~~
I smile a little, when she brings up Angel, and there's no pain. She starts to take my smile the wrong way, causing my heart to clench in fear that she'll leave forever.
"No, Will. He's told me in the past to stay away, you know. He told me that I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Maybe I didn't know what I was getting myself into with him. I was a sixteen year old with a crush. He was sweet, but you...you see me, Willow. You see the deepest baring of my soul, something that Angel has never seen. Now it's my turn to see you," I say. I can see Will's cautiousness starting to go away. She gives me a smile, a genuine, old Willow smile. I can feel my heart flutter just seeing it. "I love you," I whisper. Willow throws her arms around me, crushing me in a hug. I can feel her tears, feel mine running down my cheeks as well. We stay that way. I never want to let her go again.