Switcheroony
by alicorn
Chapter 14
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Buffy heard the call, the song, the laughter, the joy, the lure, the dream as well as the vain the fight to remain.
'To hover over awareness, yet never want it to be.
Heavenly slumbering, in hazy, cloudy, spring thoughts.
Fluttering, eyes gasping at the air, like wings mid-flight.
No discrimination against, no organization within.
Sleep lingers a while, then attempts to leave you alone.
Like a beautiful drug, its scent is left, an elixir in bloom.
Defying time, in the faded corners of untold dreams.
A beautiful fairytale, an untold gem, its light filters away.
Under the sudden canopy of light bright awakening, noises are felt.
Rolling, denial, diving back in, hoping for more.
But it is ended; it goes, leaving a vulnerable mind naked.
It will not come again, till night is drawn, on the striking sky.'
And so the bright light and awakening scratched at Buffy's eyelids but the silken warmth of her bed called her back to slumber. Buffy murmured in contentment, safety, peace and home, fighting its arrival. The warmth surrounding her seemed to reach into her heart and still its normally alert nature; thoughts of morning and waking up banished.
She felt so connected to the world. Everything around her seemed to be exuding some level of energy and she was bathing in it. The energy next to her seemed the strongest. It was welcoming, not overpowering, and somehow familiar to her.
Buffy didn't want to wake up. She liked this feeling of safety that surrounded her; the warmth and the peace. But she knew it was time. She couldn't hide any longer.
Memories of last night washed over her. She recalled saving Willow; the sheer force that left her; the drained feeling. And yet she had never felt so alive, so connected.
Moving into the waking world, she noted the weight of arms surrounding her - Willow's arms. She had slept in Willow's arms all night. A feeling of bliss came over her and more than ever she didn't want to awaken, she didn't want to move. She wanted to savor this feeling. Involuntarily she sighed and snuggled into the embrace, still half awake and, therefore, unaware of how her actions appeared. The arms tightened reassuringly around her. It felt so right.
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Faith felt foolish; like a naughty child. The feeling amused her as she peeked down from her vantage point at the edge of the suspended ceiling. She had worked her body half way into the room with the center of her weight on the separating corridor wall, one tile slightly pulled back to give her the view she was now enjoying.
Anyone walking down the corridor would have seen her legs dangling from the ceiling tile she had removed to get to her vantage point. But she didn't care about the risk she was taking. It was still before eight and the dorms residents were enjoying their Saturday 'sleeping in'.
The sight before her was worth the risk. Willow was cradling Buffy in her arms; both asleep. She found herself smiling to herself with such satisfaction. But then she realized that they were still clothed. Nothing had happened!
'What on earth is it going to take to bring these two together?' Faith was stunned by how they could be so cowardly; so brave and yet so afraid. No wonder they were such an easy target for the underworld and all things evil. They wouldn't even acknowledge to themselves that they were each other's Achilles' heels as well as each other's 'one and only'. It was amazing they had both stayed alive this long.
These two were meant to be together. Any fool could see that. Besides how perfectly at ease they were with each other right now, there was the emotional connection they had had for years. But Faith was at a loss. What more could she do? What would break this stalemate?
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Willow felt Buffy stir and although she thought to release her, as the blonde snuggled into her and sighed, Willow lost all desire to let go. She had slept only intermittently, waking up at each movement, afraid the nose bleeds would start again -- or the ramblings. She felt stupid. How could she have thought stoning could have done this? It was magic; only magic and its use by an untrained witch, unchained magic could have caused this. She knew that from experience. She remembered how Tara had held her, soothed her, held tissues to her nose.
She knew that beside her lay a large pile of blood soaked tissues. Buffy had moved in and out of reality, sometimes speaking, sometimes just staring off into the distance and then the blood would fall from her nose. Willow couldn't quite believe how terrifying this sight was to her. She had seen Buffy bleed before but never like this; never because of her.
It hadn't occurred to her that some of her magics could have transferred, no, stayed with her body. She thought that they were part of her, of her soul, her spirit, her mind. How foolish she had been. So much of the magic was in the blood. Her blood remained with her body, as it appeared some of her magic had and Buffy, not realizing this, had somehow tapped into that magic.
She listened to the object of her affection hovering at the edges of sleep, her face so peaceful and content. 'She belongs in my arms'
Buffy heard Willow sigh. Her half-awake disposition removed her natural instinct to stay silent. Without opening her eyes, she asked quietly, "What time is it?"
Willow stiffened at her words. The realization that she was awake and probably had been for some time disturbed Willow. "Around quarter to eight," she replied, somewhat pleased that even in Buffy's drowsy state she hadn't pulled out of her arms. She felt such a high at the knowledge that Buffy obviously saw nothing wrong with Willow holding her.
"Good. No reason to get up yet," Buffy said with obvious relief and then sighed re-settling into Willow's arms. "Thanks. S'nice," she mumbled.
"No problem," Willow responded. She was desperate to ask questions, to find out what Buffy was thinking but she also feared losing the moment.
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Faith saw their lips move but couldn't quite make out the words. It was almost eight and the dorm would soon be awakening, Saturday or not. She wished she had packed a small camera. The fun she could have had with a photo of the dumb duo greatly amused her.
Pulling back the ceiling tile, she slowly maneuvered herself back over the separating wall and dropping down into the corridor. She stepped back up, using a well positioned trash can, and pulled back the ceiling tile.
As she moved off down the corridor, her mind planned and plotted, throwing out ideas as quickly as they occurred to her.
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When Buffy and Willow finally decided to move they smiled shyly at each other. Somehow comfortable and yet at the same time slightly uncomfortable. Buffy had made a run to the bathroom and when she returned she noticed that Willow had made coffee for them.
"Thanks," she said taking her cup from Willow's hand.
"How're you feeling?" Willow asked.
"My head hurts; feels fuzzy and kind of heavy. But somehow I feel very alive," she said, her face asking if it was the magics.
"The magics," Willow agreed.
"Geez. You get this feeling every time?" Buffy wondered, somewhat envious.
"Nah. Well sometimes. Well usually only after a really big spell," Willow explained.
"So that 'far-away, happy with the world' look you get now and again is a magic hangover?" Buffy asked, somewhat amused. "Don't let Xander know. He would soooo wanna have a go."
"He'd only end up with a bunny's tail or ears or some such. Anya would be so not amused," Willow said, smirking.
It occurred to Buffy that she was a novice herself and she turned to look at her own rear, then raised her hand to check her ears.
"You're clear," Willow assured her, laughing. "You're in my body and it's used to doing the magics."
"Yeah, right," Buffy acknowledged somewhat less than convinced that she wasn't going to pay for using magic at some later time. "Phew, don't need anymore body changing stuff right now." If life with a witch had taught her anything it was that there was always a big price to pay for doing big magics. She put down her cup, pausing to smile in relief at Willow, and then moved to Willow's closet to find something to wear.
Silence fell as Willow watched to see what she chose. She had been mentally noting Buffy's choices, figuring Buffy was choosing the things that she liked to see Willow in; talk about a heads up. But once Buffy began to change she averted her eyes, allowing Buffy some privacy as usual. Having to wear each other's clothes had at first seemed weird. But they seemed to have long forgotten that particular weirdness amid the many others that had crowded around them after Faith's little visit.
Buffy thought about the night before -- her failure to protect Willow's body against Dracula, her failure to protect it against the sirens and Faith's silly little poem. She longed to return things to their normal order, to regain control of her body, to resolve the problem that Faith had raised before them. But to be able to protect Willow again; to be in control is what she wanted more than anything. She hated feeling like a dead weight.
Fully dressed Buffy returned to her cup of coffee. She knew that this was the perfect opportunity to talk to Willow but the words seemed to stick in her throat. She looked over at Willow, deep into the book she was reading. Strange though it was to be looking at herself she knew from the feeling within her whom she was gazing upon. She knew that she would lay down her life for this woman. One small, possibly uncomfortable, conversation was a small price to pay to keep her safe.
She knew the life of a Slayer and although she had to admit that Willow had more than risen to the challenge, she was not willing to let her best friend live with her life expectancy and the continual risk. To live with the constant typical challenges to have a normal life, to plan, to wish, to dream. She wanted all those things and more for her Willow.
"Willow, we need to talk," Buffy said, her voice somewhat shaky.
"I know," she replied automatically but none the less Willow didn't have a clue of just where to begin. "It's just so ... weird."
"Weird?" Buffy said, trying to hide her hurt feelings.
"I mean ... spooky weird ... not icky weird ... are we in the 'twilight zone' weird. I mean you were okay with the 'kinda gay' thing ... well eventually. For that I was kinda relieved ... I'd heard of some bad things happening when girls came out to their friends. But we were okay ... we just never really did ... detail. Not as in detail but. you know, the telling, the soppy stuff," Willow stumbled, unsure how she felt about even having this conversation. How could she keep from saying 'I will make love to you, not because I must but because I love you'?
Willow was so scared that the longer this went on the more danger Buffy's life would be in. She had seen Xander having to hold her back, her instinct to fight so great that sooner or later her urge would prove fatal. Then there was her uncontrolled use of the magics. She was willing to do anything to prevent Buffy being hurt further or killed which meant getting this slayer power back where it belonged.
"I didn't wanna pry into your private ... you know," Buffy explained. She couldn't exactly say that just the thought of Tara being with Willow had driven her nuts; that she had only been nice to the girl to please Willow and from fear of losing her. Knowing that Tara was the detail to which Willow was referring made the old jealousy rise within her. She had avoided this talk for so long.
"You weren't freaked into not asking? I did wonder if that was an issue remembering how we used to talk when I was going out with Oz," Willow said with a very goofy smile.
"No Will," Buffy said. And as if a window had opened she realized that this was where to begin. "Well maybe a bit. It was all so new for you. I didn't have a frame of reference, no 'kinda gay' experience. Didn't know if the whole first date marshmallow stuff still applied ... you know ... with a girl; how the whole wooing thing worked. I was afraid I wouldn't know what to say, trip over my own tongue and say something stupid," Buffy finished, feeling very foolish as she looked back at how their friendship had changed; how after that first talk she had avoided all relationship talks with Willow.
"Oh Buffy, I didn't have anything to base it on either. And I didn't know how you would react. I was a little afraid that you wouldn't cope; that the detail was just a step more than you could deal with. You know 'hey I'm okay with you being gay, but don't rub my nose in it' kinda thing."
"Will!" Buffy exclaimed, shocked that she could have feared that response from her. "Nothing you could ever say or do could change how I feel about you. Honest. I am so not gonna judge ... hello my scorecard."
"Thanks, I guess I know that now. Not the scorecard ... I mean the ... I understood yet still talking," She huffed, annoyed at her own babbling. "Back then I was as unsure of myself as I was of anyone else. I'd heard such horror stories. You know, about girls who came out ... nasty stuff," Willow sighed. "It all seems pretty silly stuff now considering the 'scarries' we usually deal with but it ... I was so afraid you guys would change."
"I'm sorry I didn't realize what you were going through. Maybe I could have been more supportive; asked possibly dumb but friendly questions."
"How could you have? I didn't give anyone an opening. I was busy winning an Oscar for the role of 'strong gay, out and proud girl' proving we're all pretty much the same. Not large with the pride marching and pretty much careful in public," Willow blushed at the thought of her innocence, what a 'walk all over me' wall-flower she had been. "No one knew how hard I found it - not even Tara."
Somehow that made Buffy felt much better as a friend but more sorry for Willow. "So what freaked you out the most?" She asked partially hoping to make up for her past failures as a friend and partially for herself. She needed to lighten the mood.
Willow laughed at Buffy's possibly dumb question and casting her mind back she replied, "Not being able to tell everyone I cared about ... how great it felt to know what I wanted and yet how nervous I was. What it felt like, what I didn't enjoy, what I did. How unbelievably scary it was," She laughed. "How wonderful that first night felt."
Buffy felt her heart tighten sharply. She was so terrified. Her fear of having to compete with Willow's first night was tremendous. How could anyone hope to compete with a first night as obviously blissful as theirs had been? With a man she had been nervous enough about her abilities ... but with a woman ... with her best friend.
Gradually through much rambling and shy but careful questioning, they finally caught up and Buffy realized how hard it had been for her normally shy friend to live with so many people making assumptions, feeling that they knew who she was — that 'newly gay' girl. Having to find the strength to cope from within, feeling that it wouldn't be fair to ask your friends for support on the issue of her choice of lifestyle. Hiding what she was going through from her parents.
Buffy knew there was very little she could do about the past. She couldn't go back in time and fight that battle for Willow but she could listen and be there for her now and in the future. She made a vow to defend and stand by not only the body of her Willow but also her heart and soul. She would never let anyone make her beloved feel unwelcome, excluded or uncomfortable ever again. She would celebrate her Willow and all her choices and, dammit, so would the Scoobies.
Slowly the conversation moved to how different her new relationship with Tara had been to the one she had had with Oz. Buffy desperately wanted to ask about the vision but she felt sure that now was not the time. Needing to move the subject along before she let the question out Buffy asked, "So how different was it - sleeping with a woman?"
"It just ... sort of flowed. No research, no books, you'll be pleased to know; though the books do exist. It just felt natural ... to do what you felt. No strange other body to navigate. But pressure to know ... what to do ... 'cause your female. That's big too. Like you know how yours works ... so expert — not. I've still only slept with one woman ... not like ... no matter what Anya thinks ... and then ... you know, got well- read." Willow finished, needing to drop that landmine in plain sight as she remembered how Tara had reacted to the expectations she had had. There had been a long late night chat and she had left somewhat shame-faced.
Buffy laughed. She was kind of reassured by Willow's admission and replied, "I'm kinda relieved ... not exactly large with the being well-read in that area ... or the other ... not my usual reading material. I've cleared that up right? Guess we'll just feel our way." Realizing how her choice of words sounded she blushed. "I meant take it easy ... go with the flow ... no pressure."
"Agreed," Willow said, greatly relieved. Angel was a 200 year-old man, well-read on the subject was a given. Competing was not her style. She didn't need the pressure. She'd had exactly two lovers from either side of the fence and she was now well-read enough to know that both had been pretty tame, even square.
"Will, I know that Anya's theory is just to do it. But talking and being honest - it helps," Buffy added very nervously. "Does the idea ... of us ... wig you out?" She could hardly look at Willow. 'God, you just asked your best friend, your best gay girlfriend, if she finds the thought of making love to you repulsive.' Freaking scared, let alone wigged, didn't even begin to cover how Buffy felt as she waited for Willow's answer.
"I know that even the on-line covens agree with her," Willow paused, considering how best to respond to Buffy's question. "Buff ... many levels ... you're my best friend. So I guess that given that ... feeling kinda odd is probably normal. Plus there's the whole being in the wrong body spell thing. Therapy could become an issue for both of us. But no. I wouldn't say wigging. We have to fix this. Then we get to hurt Faith. Right?"
"Sooo Right," Buffy agreed, somewhat relieved by Willow's response.
"Are you wigging?" Willow asked, as her Psych 101 kicked in.
"My wigging out also exists on many levels - wrong bodies, no book reading, everyone knowing what we must have done if it works, the possibility of losing my best friend 'cause we get weird afterwards. Just your average stuff," Buffy ended and immediately wished she'd stayed silent. Willow looked wide-eyed with fear. Something she had said had sent her into a 'deer caught in headlights' face. "Will?"
Willow's mind raced. 'Everyone will know! Know what we did ... what I did to Buffy! What if Buffy does go weird? What if I can't cope with just once? What if Anya asks me if Buffy was any good? Or if she asks Buffy if I was any good? Oh goddess,' she began to panic, fear of 'the what ifs' washing over her. Her breathing tightened and she began to gasp.
"Will?" Buffy, her voice filling with concern, "Talk to me. Will?" She could see that Willow was spooked by something she had said. "Breathe. Slowly." But what was it that she had said? She rewound her comments. 'Oh no,' she thought. "Will, I promise you that we will not go weird. Nothing will change between us. I wouldn't let that happen." Then something else occurred to her. "Not one stupid 'I know what you did last night' remark will be made. I promise."
"How can you promise that?" Willow gasped, her fear evident as she fought to regain her breathing. "That could be just why Faith's doing this. She must know it would change everything."
"Well then, she's wrong. You know how I feel about you. We have a bond. We have friendship and loyalty that binds us; closet contents and other 'never tell upon pain of death' secrets, you know. This would just be two dear friends, two very dear friends, helping each other as usual." She almost said, she wanted to say that it would be like a gift but that would have been too close to home. "Why would we wig out about a best friend helping her best friend? Let's face it — we'd get angrier if we couldn't help each other."
Willow smiled at that, recalling how pissed Buffy had been with Xander for holding her back. Never mind how annoyed she herself had been when Buffy had left that summer; how she had felt at not even being given the chance to help her. And their arguments about the side-kick issue.
"See," Buffy said, as she saw Willow accepting her words. "We can do this and there will be little, if any, wigging."
"Yeah, okay. But how do we get around the being in each other's bodies ... not being funny ... icky. The whole 'hey I know my way around' thing 'cause its mine ... useful, but freaky much? How do we cope with seeing who, what we're touching?" Willow asked. She just knew this was going to get weird. She had dreamed of this, of making love to Buffy - but they had been in the right bodies, what belonged to who. This had not been an issue.
"No lights. We can't see if there's no light," Buffy suggested somewhat relieved that Willow had raised the issue. She had thought of the solution yesterday. Besides she was kinda way freaked at the idea of kissing herself.
"Okay, no lights. Yeah, that will help. What about, do's and don'ts?" Willows asked, feeling they were getting somewhere and suddenly wearing her 'this is a math puzzle to be solved resolvo' face.
"Like?" Buffy asked but Willows raised eyebrow answered her question. "Right ... Yes, I see. Well, as I'm not sure exactly how ... you know ... what's involved in ... Look, you tell me."
"Oh, yeah. Right. 'Cause I took Anya, the mad sex originator of this theory, to one side and said 'excuse me Anya but could you please describe in detail the sexual acts that you think we would have to perform to break this curse'," Willow said dryly.
Buffy tried not to laugh. "Yeah, okay that would have been way weird." She tried to get her mind away from the very funny image playing in her head - Anya as Dr Ruth detailing the sexual positions required to fulfill her definition of 'orgasm buddies' to Willow. She bit her lip to hold in the giggle that was trying to escape.
Willow glared at her. "Look, I could probably email Kira in the Gia coven. She's really nice and understanding, and I'm pretty sure she'd avoid making me feel like a fool for asking," she offered. "Best we know as much as possible."
"And you said no reading up was required," Buffy said, a more relaxed smile spreading across her face. She now knew that they could do this.
As their discussion progressed, do's and don'ts were agreed upon, a time set and finally, with the use of Will's trusty laptop, a list of the 'orgasm buddy' top twenty qualifiers received. The sheer length and detail of Kira's list had made Willow blush. But Buffy had read it with a 'matter of fact' face that gave nothing away, identifying the items she could and asking for the explanation of those she didn't.
The nervous tension that this inevitably raised was somehow lightened when they came across two listed items that neither of them could identify or explain and Willow, somewhat relieved that the ignorance was not just hers, turned to the Internet to find the answers. This proved a big mistake because upon entering the words into Google and hitting "go" -- porn pop-up boxes filled her screen with images of naked women, posing and offering very private views of themselves. As Buffy leaned over her shoulder Willow panicked and slammed the laptop shut. "I'll email Kira. Later," Willow stated as her face became inflamed in blushes.
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Buffy had checked in with Giles and then left Willow to email Kira. She was pretty sure that without her in the room, Willow would be saved further blushes. Plus she was a little less than comfortable herself since both eagerness and fear were building. She realized that there were things that she needed to get clear in her head.
She headed to a place that would have put a broad smile to Willow's face - the library. She needed peace, quiet and Internet access.
As she walked across the campus she saw Xander. He appeared to be heading towards the campus canteen. She prayed he wouldn't see her but her luck was not with her.
"Buff. Hey," Xander called, waving his whole arm at her. He lightly jogged towards her, hard hat in hand and his tool belt bouncing on his hips. She couldn't help but smile.
"Hey," She acknowledged.
"You okay?" he asked, coming to a stop in front of her. "Last night was a bit ... " He spread his hands to display his loss for words.
"Yeah. You?" She asked eager to get him to talk rather than to question her.
"Yeah," he responded shrugging with obvious embarrassment. "Lost it there for a bit. But what with the bug-eating and mind control crap, I reached my limit. Had to blow..." He grinned his goofy grin and shrugged. "There you headed?"
"Can't say. 'Cause if you told Willow, I'd have to kill you," She replied.
He looked at her and then an amused grin crossed his face. "Library? Don't worry I won't tell. She just gets the marshmallow look when she thinks of all those books. How's Willow doing?" he asked, a bit more seriously.
"She's okay. Doing research," she responded, really wishing she could think of how to avoid talking about Willow.
Xander started to walk towards the library and Buffy fell in beside him. She knew that Xander would want to talk until she reached her destination. Her heart sank. Much as she loved Xander, she just wanted to sort things out in her head.
"Anya didn't mean to freak her out. She was just pointing out the obvious. You know that, right?"
Buffy simply nodded her head, unwilling to speak on the subject of his ex-demon girlfriend, afraid that she would just spill out her annoyance and hurt their good friend.
"Good. 'Cause lets face it, half the guys in the dorm wish you and Willow had something going." He looked at her and that apology for being male face filled her vision. "It's kind of a male college hormone requirement -- to wish that two hot girls were ... Not having to draw the diagram here, am I?"
`Pretty much getting the mental flow," Buffy responded somewhat annoyed and a little amused at the same time. If only those guys knew what they had planned for tonight.
"So you ever considered, you know, jumping the fence?" Xander asked.
"Xander I really hope your not trying to ask ..." Buffy threatened.
"So you and Willow haven't had the talk yet," Xander said, interrupting her well before the threat he knew was on its way.
"Did Giles talk to you?" Buffy asked her tone changing. Spooked that Xander was asking her about a conversation she had just had with her Ex-Watcher...
"Giles hasn't told me anything. It was right in front of my "Xander" face. Willow would do anything for you," He said honestly. "So my guess is she's waiting for the straight girl to raise the subject. Some kinda gay subject etiquette thing."
"Well ... it's a bit beyond the normal best friend job description. It's not like doing ... this could leave her with more than just a nasty nose bleed. There's ... well ... personal space ... privacy ... personal invasion stuff. It's not like 'hey can I borrow your jumper'. It's like 'hey can I borrow your lifestyle choice'," she said recalling all the things they had just covered.
"So you're gonna let her stay the Slayer. That could get her killed," Xander reminded her.
"It's not just my decision to make," Buffy explained pointedly. She loved how worked up Xander was becoming. Her chest filled with pride at his concern for them.
"Of course it is. Willow's not going to force you to walk into her realm. You gotta ask about borrowing the lifestyle choice," he explained, a little frustrated that Buffy hadn't seemed to realize this simple fact.
"Well, it's not fair," she pouted. She was really starting to enjoy this.
"Who cares if it's fair? In about three days Willow's going to be stuck with your calling, your life expectancy and all that entails for the rest of her life. Unless you, her best friend, do something to stop that from happening."
"What am I supposed to do? Beg her to ..." she couldn't finish. Not telling Xander that they had already had the talk was getting harder as their talk continued. Holding back the laughter was becoming almost impossible.
"Why wouldn't you? To keep her safe. You can put all our lives in danger to save Willow from the Mayor but you can't put your pride in danger now?"
"I don't even know if she could ... if she'd want to. I mean what if I lose Willow over this? I can't lose Willow. I'm not meant to be without Willow. I ..." she stumbled through her words, looking at the ground, to avoid having to look at the now somewhat worked -up Xander.
"Compared to her losing you, I think Will would risk a little pain. She's not just your side-kick, you know. I know how you feel about her. Lets face it Buffy, you got burned with Angel and then Parker showed up," he reminded her.
"I know the story, Xander," Buffy said suddenly not enjoying this so much.
"But you miss the point. You shut down, Buffy. You closed just about everyone out, your Mom, Giles, me — Okay we get to help with the Scooby stuff, college, the basic and general support," he said, with no offense or accusation in his statement. "But, your heart and soul, you've only ever let Willow near them. We all know that. Have you ever considered that there's probably a reason for that."
Buffy raised her face to look questioningly at Xander.
"You were meant to. Trust her Buffy."
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Thanks to Lilly by beta treasure