Heaven

by HDGenscher

[reviews]

TITLE: Heaven
AUTHOR: HD_Genscher
RATING: PG
PAIRING: B/W
SPOILERS: 6th season
DISCLAIMER: All characters and places belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, et al.
ARCHIVE: HD's Fan Fiction Archive (http://www.wiffy.de/hdffa/). If you want it too: take it!
FEEDBACK: Please.
SUMMARY: Buffy reflects on what she experienced during her sentence in an old people's home.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place in an AU, and "Seeing Red" will not be part of it. Paragraphs in square brackets [] are quotes from Buffy's dairy.
MUSIC: Candlelight Mix of 'DJ Sammy & Yanou feat. Do - Heaven' (a female voice/piano/strings version of the Bryan Adams classic).



I'm lying here, beside you. I can't sleep, despite your deep breathing, soothing me. Maybe it's the full moon... Or maybe it's that entry in my old diary I read again today that I can't get out of my mind.

Have you ever held the hand of someone who's dying? I did. More than once. Many times, in fact. I never told anyone though. Not even you...

I was polite, dutiful, entertaining even. The old guys loved me, of course. I'm sure some of them hadn't seen "fresh meat" in ages. Although some of the nurses were pretty hot. But I'm avoiding the topic, again.


Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven


[It's the fourth week of my sentence now. I don't know why I wanted to serve it in an old people's home at all...

It's not fair! Discipline is necessary, the judge said. If only he knew...
I mean, it was just a car, right? Okay, three of them... and a couple of devastated frontyards. But it was for a good cause. Seven vamps in one night! Too bad one of the neighbors called the police.

Really, Cordy should be the one having to do this, if only for one day. She'd realize very fast that life's not just fun, movies and clothes. It's about living. Because soon enough you'll look back and say: what have I done with my life? Where did all that time go?

If that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn, that's really old news. As the Slayer, I knew that ever since I had to fight for my life against some fiend of darkness.]


I thought I was prepared for everything. Hey, I kicked a lot of vampire butt, right? But I had to face the truth: I just wasn't prepared for dealing with death. I couldn't do it. I mean, I tried... I really did. Support... calm... just be there, so he or she wouldn't be alone. But every time, after a few moments that seemed like eternity, I ran away. Got someone, a nurse. Until finally I did it...

It had been predictable that she would die. Liza had been living in the home for some months when her condition had become worse suddenly.
Yet, her relatives wouldn't come. I couldn't believe my ears when my nurse told me that this was what her daughter had said on the phone. They were preparing their holidays and everything was paid. Her own daughter didn't have time for her dying mother...

I couldn't leave her alone. Not her... She reminded me of grandma so much. The white hair always carefully wrapped in a bun just like her. And that strength in her blue eyes, as if she was unbreakable... I never understood where that strength came from. But I was very young, too young to understand.


[Breathing in, rattling.
Letting the air stream out again.
Even something that simple is arduous.
In again.
Out again.
Then a beat, getting longer each time.
Me, stroking her hand.
In.
Out.
More time elapses, painfully slow, and I start to worry.
I need to...
In.
Then she let the final breath out.
Deep... so very deep, like I never thought someone could exhale.

I didn't see anything. I swear, I didn't.
But I'm sure: along with that final breath leaving the spent body, her soul ascended to whatever there is... above.
Heaven, maybe.]

"Do you believe in heaven?" she had asked earlier, slowly and arduously, her mind already going, but her eyes sparkling. I just held her hand.

Yes, I can say now. I've been there. But I didn't meet Liza where I was. Maybe there's more than one or everyone's got his or her own. I dunno.


Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven


I look at you, sleeping peacefully beside me. The moonlight is caressing your beautiful face and your flaming hair. And I know that I'll never leave you alone...

Because when I'm with you, I'm in heaven.


THE END