They Can Never Know
by Red
They Can Never Know
[reviews]
They Can Never Know
book 1: That Was When I Knew
Red: cocoachanel67@yahoo.com
Joss' folk.
W/B R
Summary: Willow has a secret...a bad one. This is a VERY DARK FIC...BE WARNED...
NOTE: Past in italics.
They can never know. Not Xander, Anya, Giles, Faith, Dawnie...not Buffy. Especially not Buffy. Not even Spike.
They can never know.
It started while I was still with Tara...after Buffy died.
She knew...she found me, once, in the bathroom...the razor was in my hand. I'll never forget that day...never forget how calm she was...how she took it from me, put it away, took my hand and led me back to the bedroom. I can still feel it, her hand caressing my bum as I lay over her lap.
{ 'I better never ever see that again, Will.' *SPANKSPANKSPANK* "If I do, this will seem like a picnic.' *SPANKSPANK* 'It won't be my hand, Willow.' *SPANKSPANKSPANK* 'I will use that nice, big, hard, wooden brush of yours." *SPANKSPANK* 'And I will spank this adorable little ass black and blue.' *SPANKSPANK* 'Understand?" *SPANKSPANKSPANKSPANKSPANKSPANKSPANK*}
She did see it again...she saw alot of things. And she kept her word...I didn't sit once that whole summer without wincing.
No one knew.
Xander thought we were just having 'the sex' all the time.
No one knew about the cuts, no one knew about the punishments. She threatened to tell Giles, but I begged her not to...and she didn't....because she loved me.
She did make me promise to come to her, when I felt the urge...and I did, most of the time. When the pain from losing my best friend was too much, I'd go to her and she would spank me...sometimes with her hand, sometimes with the brush.
And I would cry, for Buffy...for the loss of the most important person in my life...for the guilt of failing her. I cried for Tara, too...or more precise, the guilt over Tara. When Buffy died, that's when I knew. When I watched her fall from that tower...when I heard her hit the cold, hard ground...when I saw her, bloody and broken beautiful body lying there, that's when I knew I loved her in a way I'd never loved anyone.
The first time I hurt myself, was in L.A. I had went to tell Angel about her death. It was an accident, really, how it all began. Cordelia and I were coming home from getting food when we were attacked in the restaurant parking lot. Thankfully, I was balanced enough to float a few branches and dusted the pair of vamps pretty quickly. But not before one of them hit me. I had a nice bruise on my cheek and I remember looking in the mirror and staring at it. And I saw Buffy, all bruised, on the ground...and the next thing I knew, my hand was a fist and the fist was pounding my arm.
I was black and blue all over my left arm. Cordelia saw it and I said I must have fallen harder than I thought when the vampire hit me.
After that, it was easy, routine even.
The darkness would come and I'd slip away to take care of it...sometimes hitting, sometimes cutting. Bruises were alot easier to explain...especially since I was patrolling every night.
When Buffy came back...when we brought her back...when I brought her back, it stopped...for a few weeks. I was so happy to see her, to hug her, to smell her, I didn't even acknowledge the darkness when it came knocking. Slowly but surley, tho', it crept in...reminding me that I was in love with her...telling me that I was using Tara, that I was bad, evil even.
So I went back to it...to the bruises and the cuts. Tara didn't notice, at first. She was almost as wrapped up in my slayer's return as I was.
Then there was a song.
The second I heard those words...
{'There was no pain, no fear no doubt, til' they pulled me out, of heaven...I think I was in heaven...'}
That was when I knew...I was bad, I was evil.
So I punished myself. Brusies, cuts, they weren't enough, so I found him...the man who jacked me up with magicks so strong, I couldn't see straight for 2 days. And all it cost me, was my body. I sold myself for the abuse. Everyone thought it was power I wanted, mega witch.
That was the farthest thing from the truth. I wanted pain, I wanted to be punished. I got more pain than I bargained for. Tara left me, I nearly killed Dawnie, Buffy hated me.
I had nothing left.
So I decided to do the only thing I could.
That's when Spike knew.
He found me, in the cemetery, black and blue, blood pouring from one arm. He knew what I'd done...he said he knew this wasn't the first time, that he'd smelled my blood before. He had planned on talking to me about it. Then Buffy went to him...to fight, to vent and they ended up bringing the house down, literally...and I was all forgotten.
He carried me to his crypt and cleaned my wounds.
That's when Buffy knew. She came in for another vent session and found me there. When she saw my face, my black eye, my busted lip, she freaked. I'll never forget the look in her eyes...that's when I knew...she loved me the way I loved her.
She demanded to know who did it, promising to kill them slowly and when I told her it was me, when I broke down and told her everything that had happened since she died, she held me close to her, cradling me in her strong arms, kissing my head and telling me it was going to be ok...that she was never leaving me again. Then she made me look at her, both of us teary and she told me she loved me...that she had always loved me and in that more than best friendly way.
Then she carried me home, to our home, to our bed and she held me while I slept and when I woke up in arms of Buffy, there was no darkness.
That didn't stop her from spanking me into the next day, tho'. And I thought Tara spanked hard. I spent a good 2 hours over her lap, being scolded and warned that if I ever, EVER harmed myself in any way again, I would not sit for a year.
That was a year ago.
Last week, we celebrated our one year anniversary. Tara was at the party...we're still good friends, she's still a part of the family...and she's dating Giles now. Xander and Anya finally got married and Dawnie is dating some kid named Andrew. He's a total geek but sweet.
Last week was another anniversary...one year since I last hurt myself. Buffy gave me two gifts...a new computer for the us being together...and an engagement ring, for the no hurty me.
Oh, I felt the desire...the urge...alot...and each time I did, I went to my slayer and she put me over her lap and helped me through it...just like she did this morning.
It was so strong, so loud, so suffocating.
Just like it is now.
I can't breathe.
But I can't let them down...I can't let her down.
Faith talks to me, she's been here...she knows what it's like. But she kicked it in prison. I'm happy for her, I am. She's changed so much...she's so great with the girls...Buffy really appreciates the help. It's not easy training 37 slayer possibles for the biggest battle the hellmouth has ever seen.
When I was researching the First a few weeks ago, when we first realized what we were up against...I found something. A club, on the edge of town. I had no idea it even exsisted, tho' I'm betting Spike knows about it. Which is why i have to be super careful when I go tonight. Buffy thinks I'm picking up a book over in the next town from an old contact of Giles. Giles has the girls on some, slayer ritual in the dessert, so he can't give me away.
The only problem I have, is how do I hide the brusies?
See, it's a special club...and I'm going to get punished.
Buffy won't bruise me and I need bruises...
I NEED BRUISES.