Addicted
by Scott
Addicted
[reviews]
Addicted
by Scott
nikolaus.crane@gmail.com
Disclaimer: Of course we all know by now that BtVS is not mine, though I wish it was. (this is a standing offer to Alyson Hannigan, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Eliza Dushku--if you're ever in MI, come pay me a visit!).
Author's Notes: The Kelly Clarkson song "Addicted (my deep dark secret is that I'm a Kelly Clarkson fan...she's hot) is the main insperation for this fic. I got her CD a few weeks ago and was listening to it earlier (yeah, on Xmas...I'm a bad bad guy who is going to hell for not listening to the 10000000000000 different versions of "The First Noel" and "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" I guess.) when I got the idea for this. Unbeta'd as usual. :)
Archives/Feedback: Yes to both. I'd really like more than one review this time. (Thanks for the reviews Red, as you're the one that's reviewed me 99.9% of the time!)
Spoilers: Uh...everything through the last episodes of Buffy and Angel. I really didn't watch Angel that much though. I managed to see NFA though.
Pairings:
S/B (Yes, but only in memories!)
B/A (Again, only in her memories)
Buffy/Immortal (mentioned in passing)
W/B (overall)
Summary: Buffy thinks about the past and gets a visitor.
Parts: 1/?
Addicted by Kelly Clarkson
(Select Verses, go find the whole song, it's good)
And I know I let you have all the power
it's like the only company I seek
is misery all around
it's like you're a leach
sucking the life out of me
It's like I can't think
without you interrupting me
It's like I'm not me....
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I was sitting in the corner earlier, in the big overstuffed white leather chair that I like to sink into after work sometimes. Just kinda thinking about everything that's happened so far when I got the phone call.
Giles called. They're all dead.
Gunn, Fred..Illyria now, I guess...Angel.
Spike. Again.
I've been staring off into space ever since I heard. I didn't expect it to hurt this much.
I hadn't spoken to Angel for a while, but from what I knew he was doing fine.
He apparently liked this girl, Nina. A werewolf, apparently. Yes, I'll admit to a flash of jealousy when I found out, but it was really okay with me. After all, I'm dating Gerard. You know, the guy better known as the Immortal? Yeah, him.
I really like him. But it's not love. Not like it was with Angel..not like I feel for...her.
Now Spike...Spike wasn't love. Not romantic love, anyways. He was someone I could count on in the end. Someone to take my mind off of everything...someone I could just be "Buffy" with. I never had to be the Slayer when I was with Spike. Yeah, being the slayer during sex with him was easy, and a hell of a time...but I never HAD to be the Slayer with him. I could break down in front of him and know I could trust him. I've never given that to anyone. Not completely. Not a soul, unless you count Willow. Willow, who is happy with Kennedy. Willow, who I will most likely never see again. Willow, who I am madly, deeply, desperately in love with. I know she doesn't feel the same way. The silence on the other end of the phone, and then the eventual dial tone when I told her was proof enough of that.
Things with both Angel and Spike were pretty bad, now that I look back. I was addicted to the feeling of forbidden romance with Angel and I was just plain addicted to Spike back then. I guess getting older and being kicked out of your own house by your friends and sister is a really big wake up call. I know that when Dawn looks back she's sorry..and I am too.
I knew at that moment I would never be able to trust any of them to have my back fully ever again. And that hurt more than anything on Earth. Not even my own sister. Not even the one woman I loved more than anyone in this world. I loved her so much I risked the world for her, and this is what she does for me?
If she came to me today, right now, I don't know what I would say or do. Would I welcome her with open arms? Probably not. Like I said, I can't trust her anymore. She's turned her back on me too many times. But at the same time, I need her...I need her so much. It's like I'm dying without any Willowness in my life...she probably can't say the same about me. Like I said, the dial tone communicated that pretty clearly. So here I sit, quietly. Alone. Just like it's always been, just like it always will be. I am The Slayer, even if I'm not active anymore.
Oh, someone's knocking at the door.
"Okay, okay, I'm coming..stop banging already....what the hell are YOU doing here!?"
-End for now, gimme reviews and I'll post part 2 pretty quickly :p-