Confessions from the Bus
by hexx
Confessions from the Bus
[reviews]
Confessions from the Bus.
everything belongs to Joss, long live the king.
They were on the move again having stopped only twice , once to look at the crater, and once to drop Robin and a couple of the more severely wounded slayers off at a clinic, then back on the road for L.A. . Giles was driving, lecturing those of the new slayers as would listen. She'd already heard ' the talk ' more times then she could count, duty, destiny bla bla bla. Sitting alone at the back of the bus (everyone seemed to sense that it would be a good idea to give her some space) she was solidifying some decisions she had made to herself if she survived, one was already set in stone. The slayer was done with it, all of it, no more slaying, no more vamps, none of it. Being the slayer had been the focus of a large part of her life, now she wasn't the only one, or even two, there were dozens of slayers now, hundreds, maybe even thousands, she would leave it to someone else to find them and clue them in, destiny and all that shit.
Dawn had posed the question, "what'll we do now?". She didn't have all the answers, not by a long shot, but she had a list. Dawn kept looking back at her, was that guilt? They had kicked her out of her own house and she'd made a lot of desisions THAT night, one of them being to try and salvage some kind of relationship with her sister, if it wasn't too late...maybe it already was, but without the slaying crap to get in the way maybe there was some kind of chance, maybe.
There were a lot of relationships that had suffered or perished because of her being the slayer, or because of her being the kind of slayer that she was. She felt her pulse rise when her eyes fell on Willow. Oh Gawd! How was she going to do this? How to start 'that' particular conversation? Maybe she'd give her the cookie-dough line, HA! What the hell had she been thinking? God , how friggin' lame was that, but what the hell, she always felt like a sixteen year old again around Angel, mabey it would be better if she took a walk before they got the hotel, she didn't want to face him again, it was too soon.
Twisting in her seat the wound in her side pulled, fresh stitches reminding her of how close it had actually been. NO, she wasn't going to put this off too much longer, she'd make her speeches and ride off into the sunset, or whatever. Hopefully she wouldn't be alone, but the way things had been going, well... she would plan on traveling light.
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Willow looked back at Buffy from her seat near the center of the bus. The slayer hadn't said one word since they had put Sunnydale in their rearview mirror, but she didn't appear to be in shock, instead she had on her own version of 'resolve face' and it kept getting harder-looking the longer they were on the road. Now her jaw was firmly set and the looks she gave those around her were cold and serious. The last time she had that look was when she... actually, the young wiccan couldn't remember ever seeing that particular look before, and it scared her. Godess, they had hurt her so badly, NO, SHE had hurt her, turned her out when she had needed Willow more than perhaps ever before. They all had, but she couldn't help but feel that her betrayal had bitten the deepest.
Willow felt cold, they had won, defeated the First, so why did she feel like all was lost? And what the Hell was going on with Kennedy? You'd think she had beaten the First single-handed. Ego much? A lot of things were sliding into focus now that it was all over, and what she had needed at the time may not be what she needed in the future. She really needed to talk to Buffy, and though she didn't look too receptive at the moment, putting off necessary conversations hadn't served them too well in the past. Besides, there was never going to be an easy time to get into THIS.
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Buffy was staring grimly out the window when Willow plopped down into the seat beside her. Buffy didn't even turn to look at her, and she visibly tensed up before taking a deep breath and leaned back in her seat to look at the ceiling.
'Hey Buff." The slayer only glanced at her then returned her gaze to the top of the bus, she wasn't ready for this yet.
"Buffy...we need to talk, please?"
"Yeah, I know we do Wills, I guess I was hoping to wait till we got to L.A., but, to be honest, I don't see anything changing between here and there."
Willow flinched as she realized she wasn't adressing Buffy, it was the slayer here now, just the slayer, Buffy gone bye-bye. They sat in silence for a moment 'till Willow concluded that she would have to begin. She took a deep breath, collected her thoughts and dove in, the way things stood, there wasn't anything left to lose.
"Buffy...do you remember the day we met? I do." She smiled softly at the memory. "I couldn't believe that you would want to talk to me, would want to be my friend. I think about it..."
"Willow, don't."
"Don't what?"
" I can't Willow, too much has happened, too much has changed, we've changed. There's just too damned much to pretend that we're the same kid's we were then. I've started to lose track of how many times that I've died since then, and you have very little in common with the girl I met that day."
" I still love you"
"what?"
"I said. . . I still love you."
"Please don't Willow, don't do this, not now."
" Buffy, I know that things have happened that weren't of the good but.."
"Fuck you Willow!"
Willow recoiled , Buffy had never said anything like that to her before, the venom in her voice was frightening, and she reacted defensively.
"What? . . .You... You don't get to speak to me that way, not ever."
"What are ya gonna do Wills, kick me out again?" This time it was the pain in the slayer's voice that gave the young witch pause. For the first time the slayer turned to look Willow in the eye, and it didn't take her long to realize that Buffy was nowhere to be found in the dark eyes that drilled into her's.
"Go on Willow," she continued in a dangerous tone," go all witchy on me, we both know that you've got the power, do it. . .it coudn't hurt any worse, no matter what you do. I've got nothing left, nothing you can take from me, no family, no destiny, no home. I've lost it all, sacrificed everything. We saved the world, but I've lost mine, so you do whatever you need to do. Just don't lie to me, I can take anything you can throw at me, but don't lie to me, I deserve at least that much don't I?"
"How dare you!! I've been there too, watched those I loved die, been hurt, bled, suffered, betrayed. . . " 'Oh Godess, what have I done? '
Willow felt a blow to her heart at the look on the slayer's face, the only word for it was destroyed. Buffy looked at her with tears flowing freely, the slayer was gone now and all that was left was the broken, defeated girl who had never asked to be the savior of the world.
"Yes, you've been there, right there, but no, you don't know what I feel, you have no idea what I've lost. You still have so much, they still love you Willow, Dawn still loves you, ..Kennedy...." She began to sob, great wracking shudders, her whole body shaking. "You don't need me anymore. Just, leave me alone."
'Me or us?' Willow found herself pounded by guilt, she was right, there was a great difference, she had never been turned on by everyone that she cared about, all at once. But that was exactly what they had done, they hadn't just rejected her leadership, they had thrown her out into the night, alone, with Caleb and the First gunning for her. What had she felt at the time? That they just wanted her to wander off and die, to just leave and not look back? But that's not what she had done, she came back, found the scythe, killed Caleb, helped saved the world, again. And now? Willow could see it so clearly, like a wall had fallen and she now had the insight to Buffy's soul. She wasn't THE slayer anymore. The one thing that Buffy felt made her special, why she believed they had followed her all these years. And why wouldn't she? No sooner had Faith showed up and they kicked her out to follow the younger slayer, who had just broken out of prison and who had at one time tried to kill many of the people on this bus. And they had, even if they had felt justified at the time. From Buffy's point of view those closest to her had betrayed her.
Willow reached out with her power, felt the slayer's spirit, her soul and found nothing, a void,she had used everything she had to defeat the First and there was nothing left, they had left her with nothing. She could feel Buffy's despair, that they had no use for her anymore, didn't need her anymore, didn't love her, that Dawn would desert her, Xander would hate her, that Willow would never love....HUH??!! What was that?! Love, it was buried, deep, but it was there, so much of it. 'Oh Godess' she could feel it, touch it, it was so pure, and it had been there a long time, years, but buried down deep in her heart, and the blackness was crushing it. It would soon be gone, enveloped by loss and bitterness.
The witch looked around at the others, some were staring at her and Buffy, trying to figure out what the yelling was about, the others hadn't picked up on the conversation and were lost in their own thoughts or were asleep. Kennedy was staring at her, she looked mad, and... scared? SHE KNEW! Somehow she had figured out what Willow had missed, that Buffy loved her. Was she so blind? Was she the only one who hadn't seen it?
Suddenly the last seven years flashed through her mind at lightning speed, slowing at certain points; that night at the Bronze when Buffy had revealed what she was to save a young, nerdy hacker. Trying to walk away from being the slayer in an attempt to save her own life, only to turn and face her foretold death at the hands of the master. But, only after Willow begged her to not desert them. Buffy trading for her with Faith even though it might have meant giving the Mayor what he needed for his ascension. Buffy standing up to her when she went over to the dark, willing to die to save her from herself; trusting her, no, believing in her, enough to give her the scythe even when no-one else including the wiccan herself truly believed she could do it. The hundreds of times Buffy had risked herself to save her, the times when she had stood up for Willow, the times she had refused to give up on her, to forgive her, to be there for her when she already had the weight of the world on her shoulders.
She didn't feel the tears on her own cheeks, couldn't see the looks of the others, all she could see was the woman she had unwittingly helped to destroy, how broken and fragile...NO!! Willow threw her arms around Buffy and muttered a few quick words in latin and in a bright flash they were gone. Dawn, who had been watching the exchange with some concern screamed when they disapeared. Giles, almost blinded by the flash as he looked in the large mirror above the windshield, piled on the brakes and brought the bus to a screeching halt. Everyone stared at the now empty seat.
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One minute they were on the bus then they were, where the hell were they? Buffy looked around slightly dizzy and more than a little confused. They seemed to be in a meadow surrounded by a stone fence somewhere out in the countryside It wasn't in California though, it was chilly, and the sun wasn't in the same place.Willow stepped back from her, there were tears in her eyes and her hands shook.
"What are we doing here Willow, and where is here?"
Willow cringed from the ice in the slayer's voice and faught to keep her own voice soft and steady, realizing that she needed to keep Buffy as calm as possible. A physical confrontation with the slayer would be in no one's best intrests.
"We're in England, this is a place where I would come and think when I was trying to learn how to controll my power."
She took a deep breath and decided there was no easy way to do this.
"When ...er... how long" she didn't really know how to ask this, "why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"Why didn't you ever tell me . . . that you were in love with me?"
"what?" The slayer looked like she had been slapped, eyes wide, hands coming up to cover her mouth, " NO, no, you don't know what...no no no" She took a step back on shaking legs before falling to her knees and buring her face in her hands, once again giving way to sobbing. "Please...don't do...this, that was mine, don't...take it away from me, please don't, it's all...it's all I've got left." Her voice was small, the voice of a scared little girl.
Willow knelt and gathered the slayer into a tight embrace, speaking softly, her lips pressed into blonde hair .
"Buffy, please listen to me, I know that I've hurt you, that I betrayed you, but you have to believe me, I love you."
"No, no...nnnNNOOOO!!!" The slayer stood, throwing Willow some dozen feet from her and she landed in an untidy pile in the tall grass.
"You...you're as blind... as me. Don't you know why... I've followed you all this time?" She grimaced in pain, slightly out of breath, her left ankle burned and she was pretty sure her right wrist was sprained or broken. "Ow."
"Oh God Wills, oh god I'm so sorry, I didn't mean... oh fuck, I didn't mean to hurt you! " Buffy rushed over to her, cradling the young wiccan against her. "I'm so sorry , oh god what did I do? Are you o.k.?"
" 'S fine, it's alright Buffy," she looked the slayer directly in the eyes so she could see the truth as well as hear it."Just listen, O.K.? Just listen to me, to what I say. Buffy... I didn't hang around this long 'cause I have a jones for fighting evil, I didn't hang out with you 'cause I thought you were cool, I didn't come back from England 'cause I missed the joy of living on the hellmouth or being reminded every day that Tara was dead. I didn't bring you back from the dead because the world needed you to be the slayer. I've loved you since you came up to me that first day, a little at first, then it grew. I didn't see it for what it was for a long time, and never thought for one minute that it could be anything more than what we had. Yeah, we went though some really hard times, times when we weren't as close as others, but that never changed how I really felt.
"All that time, I still loved you, and when I realized that it really was love that I felt, well, I ran from it. I had already lost a great love, and I knew that being a slayer didn't come with a long life expectancy, I couldn't face the thought of going through that again. I...I also didn't trust myself enough. I mean, I almost destroyed the world over someone I loved, how would I react to losing someone that I had loved for years. So I denied it, pushed it down as far as I could and kept it there. On top of that, I thought... no....I knew that you could never love me that way. I just thought that it would be better for everyone if things went the way they were going."
"Then there was the First and I was so scared all the time and you still had Spike, and Kennedy was , well she was just there, and it was easy, but it's not love, could never be. . . I love YOU, all I'm asking is that you give me a chance, give US a chance. I promise you, I swear that I will do anything I can to prove that we can do this, that we can have something real and special."
She never took her eyes from the slayer's and watched her expressions run from guilt to disbelief to something else, something caught between pain and joy. Now Buffy raised her face to look at the sky, fresh tears dripping from her chin to land on Willow's cheek.
" I... I hate you Willow."
"What? No, please Buffy, don't...you can't..."
"Let me talk now and you listen, alright?" Willow could only nod as Buffy's words had knocked the wind out of her.
Buffy continued to watch the passing clouds as she spoke knowing she wouldn't get out everything she needed to if she looked at her friend.
" I...I do love you Willow, I've known it for a long time, but you hurt me, you all hurt me. I know hurt, and I know love. I loved Angel...he left me, I loved my father...he abandoned me, as did Giles, I loved my mother...and she died. I don't know what I really felt for Spike, but I cared for him, and he tried to ...rape me, then he died...for me."
" For a long time after you brought me back I didn't really feel...anything. When I did, most of what I felt, hurt. I knew that I loved you, but everything changed so much that I couldn't believe that I could ever have something that would make me that happy, never have you."
"I didn't really believe that I would live this long, and to be brutally honest I didn't think for a moment that I was going to survive fighting the First, and I accepted that. It was the price I was willing to pay to save the people that I loved most in the world. Then those same people...you...sent me away. You didn't believe in me anymore, I was willing to die for you, and you chose Faith over me."
"So I decided to fight anyway, not for you, not for me, but out of sheer spite. I wanted to win...to show you how wrong you all were and to defeat the first and that was it. And we did win. So on the bus I made a decision, I quit, I don't need to be the slayer anymore, don't need the pain and the fighting and the loss anymore. An hour ago all I wanted was to take Dawn somewhere quiet and start over, try to find a way to get her to believe in me again, to love me again. As for the rest of you, well I figure you were done with me, didn't need me anymore. YOU didn't need me anymore, you've got your own slayer now, what the hell do you need me for?"
"And now, NOW you tell me that you love me and that I should believe you and trust you," Now she looked down into Willow's tear filled eyes. "Now you want me to love you...and forgive you...how can you...do this to me....wasn't it hard enough?"
"I'm sorry Buffy, sorry that I wasn't a better friend when you needed one, sorry that I pulled you out of heaven, sorry that I didn't believe in you when you needed me to. I'm sorry for all the times that you got hurt trying to protect me, and I'm sorry that you feel you need to be the slayer for you to be loved. But more than anything else, I'm sorry that I waited so long to do...this."
Willow arched forward, throwing her arm around the slayer's neck and kissed her fiercely. She poured everything she had into it, all her love, her fears, her disappointments, her regrets, and her passion. After a few moments Buffy started to kiss her back, and when Willow's tongue sought hers Buffy opened her mouth and responded with a ferver that left Willow gasping for breath when the kiss finally broke.
Buffy was weeping again, and Willow held her and smoothed back her hair while whispering assurances of her love. They stayed that way for awhile, till Buffy ran out of tears. When she again met the wiccan's eyes it was with some small measure of hope.
"How do we do this Wills? How do we get past all the baggage?"
"We start over, we go somewhere new, where nobody knows us, just you, me and Dawn. We go somewhere and we try to get to know each other again, try to live a normal life. And we take it one day at a time. I can't promise you that it will be perfect, it's going to be hard, but things have always been hard. I can do hard. After what we've been through hard should be a walk in the park. All I can promise is that I truly do love you, and I'll do everything I can to make you as happy as possible. ...We've got a lot to work out, I think we need to become friends all over again. But I have to believe that if we really love each other, then we should be together."
"I don't know how this is going to work out Willow. Not long ago I was ready to walk away and never speak to you again. It's been so hard, I mean, I really love you, but there's so much history between us, and a lot of it is so god damned messed up."
Buffy paused for a minute and closed her eyes. Maybe they could, maybe Willow meant everything she said, maybe what they felt was stronger than anything in their past, just maybe, this could be OK. Man, that's a lot of maybes. What was the worst that could happen? Well, they could end up really hating each other, maybe destroy each other, (there's that word again) GOD, why did everything in her life have to be so hard? Looking into Willow's eyes she could see how honest she was being, and how much she wanted to put the past behind them and start over. She could also see how much Willow loved her. God...she really did loved her, loved her so much she had been willing to die for her, just as she had been willing to die for Dawn.
" 'K Wills, I want to try. I want to believe that we can pick up the pieces and find a way to love each other, to make a real life, together, BUT... we have to take things slow. I'm going to need some time, to think, to try and get my head around it all. And I really need a rest from it all, no slaying, no magic, none of it. OK?"
"That's all I can ask for, just a chance to do it right, to make up for all the time that we've lost."
She kissed Buffy again, only this time it was patient, gentle, and tender, without desperation. Buffy moaned into her mouth, relishing every subtle change in sensation.They had both been through so much, she wanted this one moment in time to go on forever, and they held onto it for as long as they could, till the need for air forced them apart. They held each other then, for a while, wishing in their turn that they hadn't wasted so much time that they could have spent just this way.
"UM...Wills, not to be nit-picking with the details, but how are we getting home? You can get us back, Right?"
Willow looked at her a little sheepishly, "Oh,... welllll,... I hadn't really thought that far ahead,I just wanted to get you out of there, and,um, I'm not so much with teleporting into a moving vehicle . Oh godess, I think I screwed up Buffy."
"God Wills!...ok.... are you hurt bad? ...I'm really sorry that I hurt you, I really didn't mean to."
"I'm o.k. Buffy, just a sprained wrist and a sore ankle. As for a town, the nearest thing is the watcher council's retreat about a mile east of here and a village about three miles the other way."
"Well, I'm thinking the village, and the truth is...I don't think I want to go back to L.A. anyway. I don't really want to face Angel again so soon, or Giles and the rest of them for that matter. Mabey we could just find a hotel or something and have Dawn meet us here, mabey Giles or Angel can arrange it."
Wilow could see the fatigue in the slayer's face, and she could tell it was more than just physical. " Ok , I think that would be a good idea." And to herself she thought,'I don't really want to have to deal with Kennedy right now anyway.'
I guess I'll have to carry you, It's my fault you're hurt in the first place. Mabey the slayer strength isn't such a bad thing right now... Oh, shit! Dawn and the rest must be freaking! We've got to get to a phone or some thing, like pronto."
"It's alright Buff, I've got my cell-phone, I'll call Giles."
"Willow...do you really want to do this? I mean...after everything that's happened?"
Willow turned and placed a soft kiss on her lips, just for a moment, holding both of the slayer's hands to her heart. "Right now, I can't think of anything I could ever want more. I love you."
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Back at the bus, Giles was sitting beside Dawn trying to clean a hole right through his glasses when his phone rang."Oh bloody hell!...Hello?....Willow!.....What?......England? Good Lord!......Well how do you plan on getting back? ............ ...................Are you sure that is the proper course of action right now?..................I see.....No I don't understand, but if you and Buffy are quite sure..........Yes, alright then, I hope you two know what you're doing.......Of course, I'll put her on straight away. I'll talk to you in a couple of days when all the arrangements have been made...........Yes, goodbye then." Turning to face the teenager he handed her the phone. " Dawn, your sister would like to speak to you."
"Buffy? What are you doing in England? Has Willow gone over to the dark side again? .............................NO! ................Well, I guess ...............................................................Buffy? Are you sure you're o.k.? ..................... but ...... yeah but ..................yeah I know you do ...................I love you too ................She's right here ....OH, o.k. ............yeah, I'll see you then. ......................... I'm sorry too ......Bye Buffy." She sat a couple of minutes looking at the phone like it held some hidden answers, one small tear sliding down her cheek, then got up and leaned over to where Kennedy was sitting, watching Giles as he made his way back to his own seat.
"Kenny? Willow said to tell you that she would call you in a day or two at Angel's, ... She said to say that she was sorry, and she'll explain everything when she calls."
As Giles got the bus back underway Kennedy put her head down, and cried. She had always known about Willow's feelings for the older slayer but had figured that if nothing had happened by now it never was going to. Now, she knew she was wrong.
Dawn sat in her seat a couple of rows back and after a few minutes a small smile crept over her lips, Her sister and Willow huh, well it was about damn time! She couldn't wait to tell Xander, his head was going to explode.
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* I know this was short but let me know what you think of it, maybe there could be some more to come.