Confessions from the Woods
by hexx
[reviews]
Confessions from the Woods
sequel to confessions from the bus
all characters belong to Joss
*****************************************************************************
I am thoughtless, so I weep
I am cruel, so I weep
knowing I am this
and that I am without
nor deserving of
grace
Again, I weep.
Though the act holds little comfort
there is a promise
the smallest hint of redemption
realizing the lie
and the betrayal of my tears
again, I weep.
****************************************************************************
They decided not to stay in England, Buffy didn't care for the weather, and there where unpleasant memories here for Willow, from a time she would as soon put behind her once and for all. She wanted a fresh start, a new life, away from all the pain and loss. After a couple more calls to Giles he suggested that they try one of the watcher's retreats back in the states. After some research he discovered one in Maine, it had not been used regularly in years and had been rented out to sportsmen until it could be sold. A few days later, and a few of Willow's more adept keyboard strokes and the title of said property had been transfered to one Anne Summers (everyone felt it was only fair, Buffy's house now resting at the bottom of a very large crater and all).
The three of them arrived three days later driving from Augusta in a rented SUV. When they pulled up to the large A-frame dwelling Buffy immediatly got out and stood transfixed. The front of the house complete with a low porch, faced onto a clear, smooth lake surounded by low, rolling hills covered in lush forest. There were no other cottages within sight and as the slayer stood there taking it all in, she was sure that there couldn't be a more beautiful place in all the world.
The real estate agent had hired someone to come in and get the place ready. It was clean, and had been aired out in preparation of their arrival. It had been furnished with rustic though comfortable furniture, mostly wooden. The front door led directly into the living room which was large with a high ceiling, a large window facing the lake taking up most of one wall while a rough-stone fireplace dominated another. A short hall left of the front door led to two comfortably sized bedrooms and a fully apppointed bath. Beyond the hall, a steep stair leading to the master bedroom, a loft which opened out onto the livingroom. Past the stairs lay a very large kitchen with a rough-hewn table that would seat eight and the back door opened out to another porch and a small field, surrounded by forest as far as the eyes could see.
Dawn immediately laid claim to the bedroom furthest down the hall, mumbling something about it offering the most privacy, plus it had two windows and the other had only one. She had assumed that Willow and Buffy would share the loft but when Buffy brought in her case she took it to the remaining downstaires bedroom and began to unpack. Her sister said nothing at the time but gave Willow a questioning look. For her part, Willow could only offer a short smile and squeezed her hand.
The three weeks in England had done little to lift the slayer's spirits. She and Willow had spent many hours walking in the countryside talking, often not returning to the inn where they stayed untill late at night. But other than holding hands and the occasional cuddle (and then only when they were alone) the slayer had refrained from showing her much in the way of physical affection and had , thus far, refused to sleep with her. Buffy wouldn't comment on this except once to say that she needed some time and space. Willow had accepted this, she knew that the slayer still harboured a great deal of bitterness for what had happened back in Sunnydale. Pushing her harder would only result in pushing her away, and the young witch had no intention of doing that. If the slayer needed more time, she would give it to her. Time was one thing that Willow had lots of, and she was determined to do this right. They had all made too many mistakes in the past, some costly, she wouldn't allow her relationship with Buffy to suffer any more than it already had. She also knew that Buffy was struggling with the boundaries of her sexual identity. She had never experienced an attraction to another woman before now, with the exception of Faith which she had chalked up to temporary insanity. Buffy would be the last person to want to label herself.
Still, things had been pleasent enough, they rarely fought after the first week (and there had been a couple of real whoppers) and they spent a few hours each day just being together. They talked about everything, and were slowly but surely rebuilding the friendship they once had. That is, until the beginning of their second month there.
Buffy had taken to spending more and more time out in the forest hiking, or out on the lake in a small rowboat, often rowing out to the middle and then just sitting there for hours at a time, lost in thoughts she shared with no one. One morning Willow realized that the slayer had not returned the night before. When Buffy finally did return it was two days later, dirty and exhausted, and Willow and her sister were almost beside themselves with worry. The row that followed was long, loud and ugly. When the screaming stopped, mostly due to Dawn storming out from her bedroom and yelling at them to stop before running outside, they stood staring at each other, panting.
Willow broke the silence, whispering coldly,"I'm going to bed." Buffy watched her leave before joining her sister on the porch, grabbing a bottle of scotch (Willow's) from the shelf by the fireplace. She found Dawn sitting in the old bent-wood rocker that came with the place, she walked by her and sat on the steps.
"I'm sorry Dawn."
"No, no you're not. You're doing it on purpose, you're trying to push her away, and me too. Me...I kinda get that, but Willow loves you so much and I think you love her too, she doesn't deserve the way you're acting. You . . . you can't stay mad at her forever."
Buffy glanced quickly at the teenager wondering when she had become so grown up and how she had missed it. Hell, who was she kidding, Dawn could have grown a third arm this year and she probably would've have missed it.
Dawn continued without waiting for a response that she knew from recent experience would likely never come.
" What are you doing? Is it all some kind of test? You want to see how much shit she'll take before she leaves you?"
Buffy lowered her head and her voice was almost lost in the night sounds surrounding them. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Buffy..." Dawns voice became softer, touched with regret. " I. . . I know what we did was awful, and I know that you have every right to be angry, especially with me, and I'm . . . I'm really sorry. But someday you have to forgive us."
There were tears in her voice by the time she finished and she went back inside before Buffy had a chance to reply. The slayer sat there awhile, the scotch long forgotten. With a sigh she got up and made her way up to Willow's bedroom. She stood there for a moment listening to the wiccan breath making sure that she was still awake. She was so tempted to get in bed with her and pour out everything that was in her heart, but she knew that she couldn't get it to come out the way it needed to. Instead she turned around, stopping for a few seconds to whisper " I'm sorry Will." then went back out into the night.
Willow heard the words but they refused to stay still in her mind. 'Sorry? Was she leaving, was it over?' She couldn't help but imagine the very worst and she buried her face into her pillow and sobbed.
****************************************************************************************
Willow stood up and looked out the window at the rising sun. She hadn't slept all night and now had a pounding headache, her nose was raw from wiping it and her eyes burned. 'Oh Goddess, how am I supposed to do this?' Slowly she made her way to the closet and pulled out her suitcase, she really didn't want to leave, but it was becoming too difficult, too painfull. "Maybe a couple days away?" Dropping the case on the bed she stood looking out the window again. Buffy was still sitting at the end of the dock, as far as Willow could tell, she hadn't moved all night. She looked so small and with her shoulders slumped, so defeated.
"I can't do this to her... it's hurting her, I'm hurting her, and all I want is to make things better for her, and love her."
Willow turned back to the bed for a moment before sinking to the floor, holding her arms to her sides as the sobs came.
Dawn was laying on her bed, listening to the young witch crying, she'd been crying off and on all night. 'I wish there was something I could do! Everything is so messed up!' She had felt so helpless as she watched her two favorite people in the world hurting so badly, when it was plain to see that they loved each other desperately. Why couldn't Buffy just give in to what she was feeling? Was it so terrible that someone actually loved her? Thinking back the teen could see why her sister was resisting it, every time she had given her heart to someone something terrible happened. How much could someone like her, who cared so deeply, how many heartaches could she take before her heart just couldn't accept anymore?
"And I'm such a help!" she spat, she knew that a large part of the pain in her sister's eyes was her doing. It's one thing to feel betrayed by strangers, even friends, but your sister? "Oh God Buffy, I'm so sorry! We were just so scared."
Dawn was pulled from her thoughts as she heard gravel crunching under a car's tires in the driveway along side the house. 'who can that be, we're not expecting anyone?'
Faith got out of the rental car and stood looking at the place for a few minutes, Damn! It was more beautiful here than Willow had described it in her e-mails. Buffy sure could pick the spots, 'and I get stuck in Cleveland!' she thought with a smirk. Shaking her head she grabbed the small bundle from the dash and headed for the back door. The door burst open and she found herself pushed back by a crushing hug as the younger Summers girl flew at her.
"Faith! What are you doing here? I mean , I'm glad to see you !"
"Whoa there little D. I'm happy to see you too but give a girl a break, even slayers have to breath ya know" Faith couldn't help but smile, she'd really missed Dawn, the teenager had really grown on her during her time back in Sunnydale.
Dawn blushed slightly and pulled back from the slayer noting the ever-present leather pants and tight top. "Sorry, it's just that I've missed you and the others, it's so quiet here, well, most of the time."
Faith gave the younger girl a quirky smile but said nothing, Willow's e-mails had hinted at some trouble in paradise, it was one of the reasons she had come up here, that and she needed a break from the goings on back in Cleveland.
"Hows it going up here in the wilds anyway?"
"Welll . . . I don't know what I should say, but I guess things aren't great at the moment. Buffy took off for a couple of days, then she and Willow had a big fight. Now Willow's crying and Buffy's, well, I don't know what's going on with her. She's so . . . closed off, and I think she's still mad about what happened when . . . you know."
"Yeah I know. Listen, ya want me to try and talk to her? I mean, I know I'm not her favorite person or anything, but maybe smacking me around for awhile will cheer her up a little?"
"Could you, I mean, she's got to talk to someone. I'm sorry Faith, it's just that I can't stand to see her like this, and I think Willow's ready to give up and leave."
" 'S alright Little D. , Why don't you take this inside for me, OK? Where's she at anyway?"
"I think she's still sitting down on the dock. Be careful, OK?"
"I will D, it'll be alright."
Faith walked around the side of the house and could see Buffy sitting cross-legged at the end of the small wooden dock. She walked down and stood beside the older slayer for a moment, lighting a smoke.
"What are you doing here, Faith?" Buffy didn't look up at her, just kept staring out across the water.
"I brought up some tech stuff Willow asked for, ya know, for her computer, and there's some mail and shit."
"So why are you really here?"
Faith didn't say anything for a minute, fighting the urge to slip into the familiar routine of sharp barbs and bickering. Then she found that the words were already there, waiting to come out. "Ya know what B.? I get it now . . . why you were always better, the better slayer, why you had the scoobies, why people were always trying to help you. You have to care, have to have things you love, have to have something to lose. It gives you an edge, something to fight for. I never knew what that was like before."
" But now you do, huh?" She couldn't stop the sarcasm in her voice.
"Yeah B. , I do. I've got friends now, people who give a shit whether I live or die. I've got Robin."
There was a pause, just for a moment.
"Do you love him?"
"No, not yet . . . but I'm starting to feel like I could, like maybe I want to. It's wierd."
They were quiet for another minute, then Buffy stood and looked Faith in the eye, then she looked down, studying the wood at her feet.
"Faith, with all that was happening and everything, I never got the chance to tell you . . . to say thank you for your help, and . . . well . . . how proud I am . . . what you've been through . . . how you've changed." She reached forward and embraced the brunette in a warm hug.
"Hey, easy there, people'll get the wrong idea," she smirked " 'sides, Red might get jealous and go all uber-witch on my pretty little ass."
She had to laugh at Buffy's blush at the tease, then grew more serious as the blonde released her and stepped back.
Faith decided then to go for broke.
"Ya know B., you were the first person that I really loved?"
"HUH! What? . . I mean we . . . kissed . . .but only that once . . . and then with the fighting . . . !?"
"Easy B. Don't bust a nut or anything, but yeah, I loved you. Problem was, I didn't know what love was, didn't know what it felt like. So I got scared, so 'course I got mad, and the mayhem began."
"Faith, I never knew . . . that you . . . felt that way."
" 'S cool, I just thought that you should know, and for what it's worth, I don't want you to make the same mistake I did."
Buffy opened her mouth as if to argue, then shut it again suddenly realizing that she was right.
"I knew, even back then, that you had it bad for Red, not that you could ever admit it to yourself. Why'dya think I picked on her so bad? All I'm sayin' is, don't fuck it up just cause you're pissed. The mad part you'll get over, the love part you never will. Trust me. So just deal and get on with it." She turned and started to walk back to the house. "And for God's sake B., pull that stick out of your ass and have some fun and quit worrying what other people are going to think."
"I don't know if I can do that, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know if I'm ready . . . if I want to be . . . you know?"
"What don't you know? That you're gay? What the hell does a name mean? Look B. , you either love her or you don't, you want to be with her or you don't. "
"I . . . I do love her. I'm just so . . . scared."
"Yeah, I get that, believe me, I get that. But you gotta forget about what you think the world wants you to be and just go for it. You remember what I used to say, 'want, take, have'? Well forget that shit, if you want her go fight for her, beg, do everything you have to. She'll be right there with you. If there's one thing I've learned from you B. it's that we don't have to be alone in this."
Buffy watched her walking away, slowly taking in what the other slayer was really saying. Of a sudden she raced after her, catching her at the back door and holding her in a tight embrace. "Thank you Faith. . . .for everything. . . . Faith ... I'm sorry for . . . well for everything. If you ever need anyth..." the thought went unfinished as "Hmmmmpphh?"
Faith kissed her, open mouthed, her hands grabbing the smaller girl's behind, holding the contact for a moment before releasing the deeply blushing Buffy.
"Faith!"
"Sorry B., just had to do that once, before you're off the market for good." She had to laugh as Buffy's blush deepened. "You take care of Red, huh? She deserves to be happy with all she's been through. And B.? So do you."
"Wait Faith, why don't you stay? For a couple of days anyway, OK? Dawn would love to have you here to catch up, and I think she could use the company."
"You got space in this little place for me?"
Buffy contemplated as she looked up at the loft's window for a minute. " Yeah, I think there'll be a spare room by tonight. Do me a favour? Take Dawn into town for a couple of hours? Maybe pick up a movie or something."
"There anyplace like that around here"
"Yeah, there's a small town about twenty minutes north of here called Weld, they've got a convenience store with DVD's, well some anyway."
"K , I'll grab Little D, and you and Red can make with the makin' up"
"Getting that transparent am I?"
"Hey, no worries B., it's all good. See ya in a couple of hours."
*************************************************************
"Willow?"
The wiccan looked up at the whisper of her name, Buffy was standing at the top of the stairs, there were tears in her eyes, and something else that she didn't immediatly recognize. She turned back to the suitcase she had half packed.
"It's alright Buffy, I'll have Faith drive me to the city when she gets back."
"Why? . . . no . . . don't Willow . . . don't go . . . please don't leave me . . . I'm sorry."
Willow dropped the shirt that she was folding and looked at the slayer, tears glistening on her lashes.
"Buffy, I don't want to go . . . but I'm hurting you, I can't do that again."
"No, you aren't hurting me, but you will if you leave. I'm so sorry Will, I've been so . . . scared,and angry, but I don't want to be, not anymore. And the only thing I'm scared of now is losing you. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting . . .I just . . .Oh God Wills, I love you so much!" She pulled Willow to her and held her tightly, afraid if she let go she would lose her. They were both crying, The dam of emotions broke, and everything they had held back, everything they had been holding in burst to the surface.
"Buffy . . . I love you, so much. All I want to do is love you, forever."
"Yes"
"Can I kiss you?"
"Please, yes."
******************************************************************
It was almost dusk when Dawn and Faith returned. They found the house in darkness. Dawn looked around, "They must have gone out."
Faith cocked her head to one side and Dawn could tell she was listening to some thing she couldn't hear.
"What, what is it?"
" How bout you help me bring my stuff in and put it into the spare bedroom OK Little D?"
"We don't have a spare room, that's Buffy's room."
"Trust me, it's not now."
"What do you . . . you mean that . . . you mean they're. . . "
Faith only smiled as Dawn's face lit up into a huge grin, and they went out to the car.
Please let me know how you liked it, there may be more to come.