Only Time
by Chaseher
**CHAPTER 3**
[reviews]
A/N: I am not 100% happy with the way this last part turned out. Willow & Tara's POV were much easier. Buffy's POV is kinda like writing for someone with a split personality! Please let me know if anything seems off or doesn't work well.
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Chapter 3
It's so bright here. Summertime at the beach, that's what I am reminded of. Yes, summer at the beach when the sun is beating down, and you are surrounded by warmth that heats you all the way through. Love, I can feel it spread out around me. I can feel the essence of everything that is right and good wrap itself over me like a thin layer of silk. It is soft and smooth, contouring itself to fit my body. This place hangs in the present, the here and now. Time has no meaning, yet the passage of time seems to be reflected onto the transparent mist hanging in the ether that surrounds me. What was is again, and what will be has come to pass, you need only look around you to see these things. I can look into the future and in the distance, I can see them standing alongside the path waiting for me. The people I left behind are just up ahead.
As I look at them, some of those I have known look old to my eyes, and some are almost as they were when I left. I suppose this means that for some death came quickly, while others were left to wander life at length. Hair the color of quicksilver, and hands knarled with age catch my eye. Before I have a chance to draw breath I am wrapped within his embrace. My father could never have loved me like this man did. His words of encouragement gave me strength in life. His belief in me pushed me to work harder, and be more than I ever thought I could be. I remeber laying in bed some nights wishing Giles was my father. He would have been an awesome dad. Then again, in a lot of ways, well the ones that truly matter, he was a father to not only me but the entire Scooby gang. As I turn from his embrace I am wrapped once again in the arms of a man who has loved me as long as he has known me. I did not return his love, not the way he wanted. Yet I loved him just the same. In life whatever I faced, he was always there at my side. It was pure courage and strength that brought him into the fight alongside me. He had no powers, he had no super strength, he had only his heart, and it was enough. I've felt Her presence since the moment I arrived. Her love and joy rush through me adding to the peace and tranquility I have found here. My mother has always been a representation of happiness to me. We may have fought, we may have cried, but there was always love. The four of us walk along through the mist, surrounded by everything and nothing.
I'm not sure if it is because of my reunion with Giles and Xander or not, but I find my mind wandering. I close my eyes, and for the first time since arriving here I feel like something is missing from this place. How can I question the stillness and perfect peace that surrounds me? Do I have a right to? As quickly as the questions come to my mind they are replaced by the warmth and love I have known since the moment I crossed over. I can no longer picture the questions in my mind. However, I can still feel the emptiness that brings with it a feeling of being unfulfilled. Something finally clicks inside my mind and I realize someone who should be visible to me is not. She should be here too... Before my thoughts can drift further, a sound catches my ear. At first it's a pleasant humming sound, but then it begins to increase. The sound begins to make my entire body vibrate. It feels almost like the buzzing of a million bees. The buzzing makes no sense to my mind. However, my heart picks out a rythm that allows my mind to finally hear the words...
"As we all enter this realm the image that once was us, is cast upon the ground. An old man of 98 will die and his image will be shattered into a million pieces. A young girl of 9 will pass over and not yet having had the chance to truly experience life, her image will be broken into larger, yet fewer pieces. No matter how many, or how few pieces remain of who we were, each one is there so that we can revisit the past. If you choose to, here in this place you can bypass all of the bad memories, and experiences, to focus only on the love, joy, and hope that encompassed you during life."
As the buzzing fades from my ears I open my eyes and find that those who had been traveling with me are gone from my sight now. The ones called Giles and Xander have faded into the mist behind me, and I find myself back where I entered this place standing over my life. I can still feel my mother's presence but it has shifted away from me. It's as if someone has placed a barrier between us that cannot be seen. I cast my eyes toward the ground in order to see what lay at my feet. On the floor, shattered into thousands of pieces, is a representation of me, or more accurately my life. Each piece that I see appears to represent a moment in time when an experience was enough to splinter me into more than I was. A single shard of life catches my attention. It's flaming red glow illuminates it in a way so that it stands out from the other pieces of me. As I bend to retrieve this fiery piece of my past, I feel a surge of electricity pulse through me. It is not unpleasant by any means then again nothing here has been unpleasant. Hollding it within the palm of my hand I find myself staring down into the past. It is a courtyard from a time long ago. Out of the corner of my eye I see flame charged hair glistening in the sun. It's almost as if her hair itself is mocking the sun, daring it to try to penetrate the essence that runs through the thin frame of the beautiful girl before me. I see myself approach her where she is seated on a concrete bench oblivious to everything else around her. We begin talking but are soon interrupted. Our first meeting was brief but it was powerful enough to mark me for life. Piece by piece I sift through my life. Whenever I see her, whether she is smiling or crying, I find that I am once again at peace. As long as I am looking at images of her and our life together, I do not feel the emptiness that I felt before. As I handle each memory, it become very clear to me that every good thing from my past is painted with a bit of her essence.
Time has no meaning here. I have nowhere I need to be, and nothing left to do. I am finished. Yet something is intruding, and when I look up from the scattered pieces of my yesterday I wonder once again where did they go! I had just found those I left, and now they are gone again. Questions! Why am I asking questions? Since I arrived in this place I have had no questions! There was no need for questions! Now I can feel them washing over me, thousands upon thousands of questions. Where did the peace and tranquility go? Why do I feel so heavy all of a sudden? What is that? Spirals of light cascade one after another from the point where I entered this place catch my eye. As I focus my attention on the lightshow dancing seductively in front of my eyes, another electric shock ripples through me, and this time I feel no happiness or peace associated with it.
I feel darkness welling up within me. I feel as though a very heavy weight has been hung about my shoulders and is pulling me down. Down into the swirling black mass that has risen up around me. "MOMMY!!! " I cry.
Where did my light go? Where did my mother's luminous presence go? I watch horrified as the image of me that once lay shattered in thousands of pieces begins to reform, filling the space that marked my entry into this place. Fear, is what I'm feeling now, I'm so scared and c..c..cold. It's so cold here that I can now see my breath as it forms and leaves my body! The darkness is pressing in against me, forcing me away from the light and warmth that had covered and protected me. It's forcing me out. I'm being forced out! "NO! NOOOOOOOO!" Don't make me go, I want to stay, please let me stay don't, don't...I close my eyes and beat my fists against the image of me that is almost complete once again. I scream into the void that now surrounds me. "I don't want to go back, no please god no!"
It feels like I'm falling down a never-ending hill. That weight that was suffocating me before, now carries me forward, pulling me deeper into the darkness. Opening my eyes I see the ground rushing up to meet me. I open my mouth to scream but no sound comes out, because its too late and I've already hit bottom.
3 days
1 hours
12 minutes
32 seconds and counting...
I was finished, it was finally over, and now I'm here again waiting, wondering. Being in this body again feels, wrong somehow. I feel like a set of sheets after you remove them from the bag only to find out they don't fit your bed. So you try and stuff them back into the bag only they don't quite fit the way they did when you saw them neatly packaged in the store. They are bunched up, twisted, and slightly wrinkled.
3 days
1 hours
15 minutes
32 seconds and counting...
Time moves so slowly here. I feel each and every tick of the clock like it's a hammer against my soul. Reminding me with every strike that I don't belong here. My hands are rough against my face as I lay here in my bed. The Slayer healing is not quite up to speed yet so the scabs that have formed from where I had to...claw my way out of my coffin are still slightly sore.
3 days
1 hours
23 minutes
32 seconds and counting...
She's standing by the door watching me. I can tell she's there but I make no move to let her know that I am awake. With every breath I draw I am cursing her name to the seventh level of hell for bringing me back. However, my heart clings to every breath and whispers to my mind how much I have always loved her and what she means to me. She doesn't have a clue what she has done, and I can't bring myself to tell her. No matter what she has done to me, no matter how horrible it is to be living again, she can never know where I was. I will not be responsible for diminishing the light that shines from her eyes.
3 days
1 hours
35 minutes
32 seconds and counting...
She's gone now, I don't know when she left but I am alone once again. I have been keeping a mental tally of the time that has passed since my return, but for the first time in the three days since I my life was restored I look at my clock to see what time it is and notice that it is not turned on. I slowly lean to the side and find the cord lying on the floor under my nightstand. Reaching my hand out I slowly lift the plug placing it into the power outlet. The clock with its fluorescent green lights blinks on and off waiting for me to set the time. Turning my back on the blinking clock I think maybe that's what I need. To have someone disconnect the life from me again, so I can be reset.
3 days
1 hours
45 minutes
32 seconds and counting...
I feel the bed dip slightly as she sits down. She gently places one hand on my shoulder in a comforting gesture. I hear her draw a shaky breath then begins whispering words meant only for my ears.
"When you died physically, she died emotionally. She was shattered into so many pieces Buffy that I knew there was no way we were ever going to be able to help her put herself back together. The light in her eyes was so cold it made me shiver just to look at her. There was no life inside of her body. She drew breath, and her heart still beat, but she was no longer among the living, her spirit was with the dead, it was with you."
I try to feel something as her words penetrate my mind. I try to understand what she is saying, but the anger inside me, and the pain are still too much to overcome. I turn to face her knowing that once I do, there will be no more hiding. A sad smile crosses her lips then quickly slides away. She knows...
"I know you weren't in hell."
She lowers her eyes from my face as though it's too painful to look at me and speak the words that she needs to say.
"I can't begin to know or understand how much you are hurting right now. I'm so sorry I didn't try to stop her. I don't think there is any way that I could have stopped her, but then again I would have never tried."
I see a single tear leave her eye and roll down the slope of her nose. It hangs on the tip for a second before splashing against my hand laying between us. I understand what she's saying and what she's not. She's sorry that I was pulled from heaven, but at the same time she's not, because it gave her Willow back.
My voice sounds hoarse as I speak...
"It was my turn."
Tara looks confused as she tries to decipher what I could have meant with my statement. I am about to explain it to her and hopefully, it will all make sense.
"When we first met her heart belonged to Xander. Then OZ came into her life. OZ was good for her, he helped her feel better about herself, and taught her how to love. Then OZ was gone, and she was alone. I was still hurting because of Angel leaving, and I had no way of knowing that she was into girls. Yes the vampire double was very obviously not playing with the Y side of things only, but this was Willow. Sweet, innocent Willow, no way was their anything gay about her. Then, like a bolt out of the blue, you came along."
I pause to take a breath and gage her reaction so far. I could tell she was still confused and I'm unsure if my explanation could help that, but bracing myself I once again began to speak.
"When you came into her life I felt lost. I was lost, because once again someone else had her heart, and I had no one. That was your time with her and resigned myself to whatever made her happy. I always hoped there would come a time when it would be my turn. Wherever I was after I died time had no meaning there. I could see the future of all things spread out before me. As I made my way along the path, one by one I began to find the people I had left behind as they exited this life. I walked with my mom for a while then Giles and Xander came. They were both older with silver white hair, yet they looked the same to my heart."
I looked up from the bedspread where my attention had been focused, to see Tara's eyes filled with unshed tears. I took another breath and continued.
"At the time I didn't know why, but I felt like something or rather someone was missing. Since arriving in that place I had no desire to ask questions. I was content just to be there, and at the same time be nothing. When I started to wonder what was missing a vision of her appeared in my mind. That's when everyone else disappeared and I was left standing over my memories. My life was laid out before me in vivid color and detail. Everything that had ever touched me on a deep emotional level could be retrieved and viewed. I saw the first conversation I ever had with Willow out in front of the high school. The first time we had a sleep over, and the first time I ever told her I loved her without telling her at all."
"Buffy I still don't understand what you meant. It was your turn to what?"
My voice breaks as a tear slides down my face.
"It was my turn to have Willow, if only in my memories. I realized I could spend an eternity studying my memories of her. When she finally did step onto the path, I could be with her again, and never have to let her go. Now, my memories of her are tainted, stained in a way that will never allow me to feel at peace with them again!
I left her sitting there, on my bed as I made my way toward the door. I tossed her name over my shoulder to get her attention.
"Tara?"
She sits up straighter and brings her eyes up from their resting place on the floor.
"Yes Buffy?"
I hold her gaze for a moment before replying.
"I don't blame you, and I don't hate her."
With those final words I made my way out into the hallway and down the stairs. I was honest when I told her that I don't blame her, and I don't hate Willow.
3 days
2 hours
10 minutes
32 seconds and counting...
However, I hope there comes a time when I can honestly say I forgive them.
Fade out........
A/N: Having a story idea Vs. writing said story idea myself, was WAY harder than I thought it would be. Thanks to everyone who left feedback. Your comments and encouragement is greatly appreciated! I can honestly say now that I am happy being a reader/lurker!