The Diary of Cordelia Chase
by Red
[reviews]
The Diary of Cordelia Chase
Red
Joss' folk.
Not really a shippy fic, tho' there are couples...C/D, F/Vi, An/X, Rona/Spike, A/N, Wes/Fred, BW
Summary: The last entry of Cordelia's diary.
Warning: Very angsty and character death.
Note: After both finales, no major characters died in them.
Rated R...just 'cause I don't wanna take any chances.
+++++
We creamated Buffy today.
Hell of a way to start this, huh?
By the way, it was Giles' idea for me to start this journal two years ago. He suggested we all start one.
Everyone was here, for the funeral...Angel and Nina flew over from New York, with Connor. Wes and Fred came all the way from Alaska. Oh yeah, Willow managed to actually seperate Fred and Illyeria and like, make two of them...how cool was that? And Wes and Fred FINALLY got together...so about time. Gunn and Illyeria came from Brazil, Lorne somehow knew...he always did know everything...and was there, singing his sweet soul out for the service.
Xander and Anya, were already here, in London, with Giles, Dawn and myself. Faith and Vi came over from Canada and Andrew hurried back from Scotland where he was picking up a pair of new watchers for Giles. Spike and Rona, who are so the couple these days, he does love slayers, were here as well, as was Oz, having had just returned with Buffy, from Mexico days ago.
The whole gang was here.
Everyone knew it was coming. We all knew two years ago it was coming. It was just a matter of time. We knew it wouldn't be long after she found her, that Buffy Summers would be gone.
Grief does that...sucks the life out of you. Even the almighty slayer and all her slayer power, couldn't stop it. No, Buffy wasn't immune...not that she ever thought she was. She knew, all along...she knew and it was what she wanted.
No one, not Dawnie, not myself, not Giles or Xander...no one, could save her.
Because Buffy Summers wanted to die.
+++++Five Years Ago+++++
Willow stared at the blonde slayer.
"Will, come on, sweetie, say something, please, anything...yell at me, slap me, something," Buffy said, scared to death she was losing her best friend.
"When, exactly?"
"When?"
"Exactly?"
Buffy's arms wrapped around herself and she began pacing the room.
"Honestly?" she whispered.
"Honestly," Willow replied.
"The bench."
Willow's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "The bench...the bench as, as in, first day of school, bench? THAT bench?"
Buffy nodded. "That bench."
"Seven and a half years ago, that bench?"
Another nod from the slayer. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" Willow through her hands in the air. "SORRY? You just, drop into the jungle, all, 'Hey, Will, long time no see, Will, just thought I'd come visit my best friend who, by the way, I realized I was in love with,' and expect me to accept THE BENCH as, just realized?"
Buffy turned to her, almost expecting to see black eyes and, as she told herself, deservingly so. She had loved the redhead, been IN LOVE with, from day one and couldn't count the times she had almost told her. Almost as many times as Buffy had found reasons not to tell her.
There was always something to stop her...Willow was straight...Willow had Oz...Buffy herself had Angel...he was safe, so she thought...In the early days, the biggest Buffy excuse had been, it was just too dangerous...Angel was a vampire, he could protect himself. Being the slayer's mate was an invitation to evil and her best friend had enough of that just being her best friend. Buffy just couldn't put Willow in anymore danger.
Then Angel left and the slayer was sure it was a sign. Even more so, when Oz did, as well. To be honest, Buffy had always felt that Willow had loved her for more than a best friend...call it slayer sense, call it woman's intuition, call it whatever you want. Buffy, had called it, wishful thinking. She had held Willow in her arms, the words on the tip of her tongue, so many times. But just as they would get ready to fall, something would happen. No, each time they would get ready to fall, Buffy would chicken out. Then before she knew it, there was Tara.
Tara.
Of all the slayer had seen in her short life, nothing hit her like Tara McLay.
Sweet, kind, beautiful and caring...everything Willow deserved. Buffy hadn't been sure what had hit her the hardest...Tara herself, or the fact that Willow was, in fact, kinda gay.
"And another thing."
Willow's less than happy voice jolted Buffy from her thoughts and she realized the witch was right in front of her.
"How dare you decide what's safe for me and what isn't and don't even deny, sister, 'cause I so know how the Buffy mind works it's not safe, Will, being close to me will get you hurt, Will, I was only thinking about you, Wi-"
Willow was shut up by Buffy lips pressed firmly to hers.
It was a dream come true. Bufffy wasn't the only one who fell in love that day on the trusty ol' Sunnydale High bench.
The redhead's arms slipped around the shorter blonde, as Buffy's did the same to Willow, and they help each other tight as they shared what both would proclaim the best kiss ever. Seven and a half years pent up, repressed, denied love flowed freely as the slayer and her witch sealed her confession.
"Isn't this quaint."
It took a few moments for either of them to hear Kennedy, who was now standing in the doorway, arms crossed, pissed beyond all measure. Willow saw her first and literally jumped.
"Kenny, um...this...um..."
"I am in love with Willow," Buffy took over, keeping the witch...HER witch, in her arms. "I have been since I met her...but me being the big dummy I can sometimes be, had to wait til' Sunnydale was literally sucked into the ground to realize that I needed to tell her...that I needed her." She turned to Willow and smiled. "I love you and I need you, Will, forever."
Willow returned the smile. "And always."
"Willow, you're with me, hello, you love me!"
"Buffy, can I have a few, please?"
The slayer nodded, kissed her again and slipped outside, a smile on her face. Willow looked at Kennedy and truly felt horrible. She had never meant to hurt the younger slayer and she did care about her. But she loved Buffy, she was in love with Buffy...even Tara had known that.
Willow had loved Tara and a part of her had been in love with the beautiful blonde witch. But Willow wasn't in love with Kennedy. The truth was, Willow didn't even love Kennedy. She did care about her and the time they had spent the red witch had enjoyed. But it was merely a substitution for what she thought she'd never have.
"I'm sorry...I didn't plan this...she showed up and, and told me...told me how she loved me and Kennedy, I love her...I always have, I'm so sor-"
Willow was cut off by a hard slap to her face.
"You cheating whore."
Willow's head flew back from the impact, her hand on her burning cheek, green eyes wide with shock.
"You're upset, so under-"
This time, it was the young slayer's full fist that connected to the witch's face, busting her lip open and sending her to the floor. Before Willow could react, Kennedy was on her, fists flying as the slayer used words some of which Willow had never even heard.
Kennedy's attack, however, was short lived, as she soon found herself being flung across the room, non too gently. As she hit the wall, she felt hands around her throat and opened her eyes to find something scarier than any demon she'd ever faced.
"You ever, EVER touch her again and I will tear you apart piece by fucking piece, got it?"
Kennedy nodded the best she could and, thanks to a desperate plea from Willow, Buffy dropped her to the floor.
"Giles will know about this." Buffy moved to Willow and helped her up, growling at the bloody lip and bruises that were already showing. "Come on, baby...gonna get some ice on that eye, then get you packed up. I'm taking you home, Will."
+++++Present Day+++++
I had never seen them happier. Not with ol' broody pants or wolf boy. Of course, I could have told them long ago, saved everyone alot of trouble. Oh yeah, I so knew they were hot for each other. And, by hot, I mean, deeply in love with and meant to be together. But come on, let's be honest, redheaded witch and blonde slayer...oh yeah!
Ahem.
By the way, the hotness gene definately runs in the Summers' family. My little Dawnie is thee hottest. The things she can...wait, this, so not the time...not today. Sorry.
Hotness aside, that girl is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I never would have made it through all of this without her. Oh she tells me that all the time, but she's so much stronger than she realizes. This morning, she told me so many times I couldn't even count. But the truth is, Dawn Summers is a strong woman. Yes, woman. What, you think I'm a cradle robber here? She was 20 when we hooked up. Yeah, yeah, call me the big ol' lesbo Mrs. Robinson, I fell for the girl, what can I say.
At first I thought it was just circumstances...tradgedy breeds comfort, right? But that first morning, waking up with her in my arms...I knew I was in love. Thank GOD she felt the same. I may be all tough on the outside, but between you and me, my heart would so have been broken.
Not that it wasn't broken enough already.
+++++Two Years Ago, the English Country Home of Buffy and Willow+++++
Buffy parked in the drive and hopped out of the car, a huge smile on her face. Opening the trunk, she grabbed the shopping bags and giggled. After lunch with Giles, she had gone on a naughty shopping spree, picking up several outfits and two bags of toys for she and her witch, including half a dozen new paddles, arranging from fuzzy, nerf-like to sorrority wood.
Buffy couldn't wait to try them all out, practically skipping inside. Willow had wanted to join she and Giles for lunch, but the slayer had made up some excuse, having planned the spree as a surprise for her love. Locking the front door, Buffy raced up the stairs, giggling madly.
"Oh witch o'mine, I have so got surprises for you and that sexy naughty little ass of yo-"
Buffy stopped, mid-sentence, as she entered the bedroom, bags dropping from her hands as she was met with the most horrific sight she'd ever scene.
Willow was spread across the their king sized bed, face down, covered in black and blue...and red. Buffy hurried to the bed, tears falling.
"Will, Willow, baby..."
She took her witch's hand to check for a pulse and gasped at the coldness of it.
"Oh gawd, Will...Willow..."
Hazel eyes moved over the battered body before them, no pulse being found. Carefully, ever so carefully, Buffy turned Willow over and found the beaten face of her love.
"Willow, Willow, come on, baby, come on...don't leave me, Will...you can't leave me..."
Buffy tried CPR, desperate to breathe life into the cold body.
"Willow! Willow don't you dare leave me! I love you, you can't leave me! Your ass is so getting spanked for this, witch!"
After what seemed forever, Buffy broke down, cradling the cold, broken body of of her one true love in her arms. Sobbing, nuzzling, kissing her witch's head, Buffy swore vengenance on whatever had done this.
The ringing of the phone nearly went unnoticed, until the answering machine picked up and she heard Kennedy's voice.
"Now THAT, was fun! I don't think Will has ever been so damn good...I mean, I know I have never came harder."
Buffy just stared at the phone...
+++++Present Day+++++
Everyone was bad at that funeral. Dawn cried and cried, Giles could barely stand, Xander was a wreck, even Anya sobbed. Andrew actually proved himself less a dweeb, taking control and handling the stuff Giles or Xander usually did. Angel was almost as bad as Giles and poor Fred couldn't even speak. She and Willow had really become buddies. Faith didn't break down...at least, not in front of us, but after, she patrolled alone and nearly got herself killed. All of the slayers and watchers were red eyed. Oz had slipped in quietly, seemingly out of nowhere, then disappeared just as fast, barely a word to anyone, but Giles, who had been the one to find him and tell him.
It was a bad day...the hardest any of us had ever had.
But no one took it as hard as Buffy.
Tears filled her eyes, but she stood strong...not breaking, not falling apart...I knew she wouldn't...I knew she'd be strong for her Willow. She always was. And Willow was always strong for her slayer.
That night, while everyone was sitting on Giles' front porch, toasting our favorite witch and sharing stories, I was upstairs with Dawn, in her room. I had seen her slip away and followed, knowing she was going to break. I only went to comfort her. I had no idea what it would lead to.
Buffy was fine with us. She knew how we felt.
It was exactly two days after the funeral...after Willow was creamated, that Buffy got her first lead on Kennedy. Angel went with her to Paris, Giles, Spike, Nina and Xander accompaning them. They covered the entire city, then country...they were gone for three weeks but found no trace of the now rogue and wanted former slayer.
Everyone stayed in England a month, then returned to their former lives, but with the promise to keep eyes and ears open. And this family, has ALOT of eyes and ears.
I stayed in England instead of going back to New York. I stayed for Dawn...I stayed for myself.
Over the course of time, there were sightings, tips, clues, and whoever was closest would check it out...with the promise that if it was Kennedy, she would be held until Buffy could get there. Each and every time, it led to nothing.
Until ten days ago...
When Oz called...
From Mexico.
Spike and Rona had gone with Buffy and after three days, they had found the murdering ex-slayer...caged...in a remoted house...Oz standing guard over her.
He, Spike and Rona had left Buffy alone to do what needed to be done, having dinner out and sipping Marguaretias under the starlit sky. Upon returning to the house, the werewolf cleaned up and the next night, they all boarded a private plane to return to England.
Two days after she arrived home, Buffy died.....
Well, it's really late and I'm exhausted. Tomorrow morning, we're spreading both their ashes into...or is it, over...this really beautiful garden at the local church. The minister is an old friend of Giles' and really cool...especially for a minister. Willow loved the garden, she would go there all the time and visit and even talk with him.
Dawn said it gave her peace.
This is my last entry. It's also my first, but hello, I'm not really the, writing down my feelings type. I have a love to take care of and evil to fight. And oh, Anya found out she was pregnanat last week, so they are so going to need help. Maternity clothes are very hard to find in good taste.
Cordelia closed the journal and tucked it into the bedside table drawer, then turned the light off and curled into the sleeping Dawn, pulling the younger girl into her arms and nuzzling her close.
"I love you, Dawnie."
+++++
Willow smiled as she wrapped her arms around Buffy.
"Knew you wouldn't leave me alone long, baby," she purred, hugging her soulmate tight.
"Ahem, I do resent that."
"As do I."
Willow giggled and Buffy let her go and moved to hug her mother.
"Thank you for taking care of her. I knew I could count on you guys."
Joyce Summers hugged her eldest child tight. "Anything for my daughter."
Tara smiled and stepped over, once Joyce and Buffy finally let go, giving the slayer a hug of her own.
"My pleasure, sweetie. You know I love Will...almost as much as you."
Willow giggled. "Tara's got a girlfriend!"
Tara blushed and Joyce laughed. Buffy's brow raised.
"So does your mom," Willow added.
This time, it was Joyce blushing and Tara laughing.
"Mom? You have a...I thought you were, you know, all with the...penis love and I so am not even having this conversation."
Willow wrapped her arms around her slayer and laughed.
"It's Ms. Calendar. Isn't that a hoot? Two ex's of Giles, together now. "
She giggled and Joyce shook her head, chuckling.
"I'm not an ex, there was just that, one incident which was not our fault. Buffy, we can talk later, we have all the time in the world."
She kissed her daughter's head..."I love you, honey..." and gave Willow a mock stern look. "Behave young lady." And with that said, she hurried away, leaving the three girls giggling hysertical.
"So, Tara," Buffy finally managed to calm down. "Whose your new sweetie pie?"
Tara opened her mouth to answer but Willow beat her to it.
"Cassie!"
Buffy raised a brow. "Cassie, my student who died of the heart thingy, Cassie?"
Willow nodded and Buffy smiled.
"We met awhile back...kinda, hit it off," Tara shyly stated, smiling.
"I'm very happy for you, sweetie." Buffy hugged Tara again. "Very hap-"
"Happy, yay, come on, lots to show you, baby!" Willow exclaimed, dragging the slayer by the arm. "Heaven is so very the awesome! They have mochas here! Can you believe it? Heavenly mochas! I've already had like, 5 today and they so don't make me hyper like the earth ones did isn't that great? I can drink them all day and night and not be hyper! Yay!"
Buffy just laughed and let her witch lead her.
This time, she was definately staying dead.
Finished