Because You Loved Me
by DarkWillow
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I never knew love could hurt this much. Sure, there are moments of hurt in the best of relationships, but none of them ever felt like this. None of them felt like my heart was being ripped out.
If there's one thing I always thought I'd have, it was her. Not that I took her for granted, because I knew she was my treasure; I knew I could never deserve her, never be worthy. But somehow she loved me, and my heart knew it was forever, because nothing that felt like that could be temporary. But I guess the best things always are.
Does it hurt her at all? Because, God, it hurts me so much. Has she shed a single tear over me? Because I can't stop crying over her. Did her heart crack even a little bit? Because mine shattered. I wish I could see if she felt the same... if I could get just one tear for all of mine; if I could know I meant something to her, that I was worth at least that.
But she can't know any of this. She can never know. I don't want to hurt her... I can't hurt her. It would kill me. What was left of my heart would just bleed away. I can't do that to her, can't risk ruining her happiness.
Because she is happy. Whatever it may do to me, she is happy with him. Of course she is. He's an amazing guy. At least it's him, not some random guy who might not treat her right. I know him better than that; he'll always treat her like the treasure she is. He knows what he's gained... I know what I've lost.
I guess eventually I'll get over it. I'll pick up the pieces of my heart and somehow fit them together into a functioning unit again, however flawed it might still be. I'll go on with life and do my best to ignore the holes and cracks I couldn't manage to patch and it'll seem like maybe I was never even broken. And maybe someday someone will come along who can patch up some of the things I couldn't fix myself, and I'll be almost whole again. But I know the initial break will never heal, and there will always be a hole that I'll never manage to fill.
But I have to be happy for her. And I am. I'm so glad that she's happy. It's all that really matters. If I know she is happy and loved, if I know she's having the life she deserves, if I know she's doing great... then I'll be okay. Because that's all that matters... she's all that matters. So I'll get through. I guess I have to.
They both pretty much avoid me now. I guess it would be too awkward. I can deal with that... I was used to being alone before. I can get used to it again. And I'm seeing Tara and Faith a lot more. I suppose they feel sorry for me. It's not the same, though... it never will be again. But I'll survive... even though I can't say right now that I'll really live.
I guess there's not much else I can say. I love her. I will always love her. I fell for her, and I'll stay fallen. I'll always remember, and I'll always hold on, and I'll always meet her after dark, and she'll hold me in my dreams. She was my first... she is my only. And I'm keeping our ring... even if she's long since gotten rid of hers.
Xander... take care of her. Know you hold a priceless gem when you hold her. She's more than words can say... Treat her like she deserves to be treated. Respect her. I know you will... you're a wonderful guy. I'm happy for you.
Honey... I love you. I'll never stop loving you. But I won't get in the way. Just, please remember me. When you get a moment, think of me. I pray I gave you many good memories and few bad ones. I pray you'll have a wonderful life, and that you'll never have reason to lose your love and passion for it. I hope you get all you deserve and more, and have a long and happy time on this earth. And, Buffy... thank you. You changed me. You gave me worth and love and life. I'll get through this, I know I will, because of the strenghth you once gave me. Thank you, Buffy. I'm everything I am... because once - for one wonderful moment in my life - just that once, you loved me.