One Last Shot
by Whedonist
One Last Shot
[reviews]
Disclaimer: The usual. Joss's not mine. Short, sweet and to the point.
Author's Note: Okay, so I think too much. This has been proven time and time again; however, I did get this idea and I'm not sure how it worked. Let me know. Enjoy.
Chapter 1:
New York is pretty at night, but I miss the quiet streets of Sunnydale. Of course I was responsible for the entire town's destruction, but hey it was that or let the world go to hell. Some choices aren't really choices at all. Like who I am. I had a choice to either reject my destiny or embrace it, but the rejection would have meant the annihilation of the human race and everything and everyone I hold dear. So you see, not really a choice. It's been two years since we took out my home. The Watchers Council is up and running, there are over 200 active slayers through out the world and another 163 in a school designed to teach them to slay and have a life. I guess I'm not the chosen one anymore. It's been hard to reconcile that fact. For years it was me, and me only even with Kendra or Faith. They didn't live on the hellmouth, but now I don't either. Two years is a long time to drift through your life.
I hardly see anyone anymore. I go to work, patrol a few times a week, and at night I try and cry myself to sleep, but the tears won't come. I haven't cried in over 3 years. You would think that something would trigger my tears, but no. The last time I cried was in the arms of my friend's dead lover. Willow, she's not the dead lover, she's the friend that I haven't seen in a year. It's why I'm on the roof looking out over New York. She's coming to visit tomorrow. She didn't say how long she would be staying, but I hope it's not long. I'm not sure how much I can take.
Since I'm being thought gal, I might as well be honest. It's why I moved to New York; to get away from the people I consider family. I look at them and all I see is my failure. Xander, my sweet wonderful Xander, I look at his glass eye and I get nauseous. I can't seem to look at Giles and not feel some type of disappointment. He was supposed to be my dad and in the end when I needed him the most, he left. I'm not sure I will ever forgive him for that.
Willow, she's the worst. I don't know where to start. I see her and 7 years of pain hit me like a tidal wave. The first day I saw her, I think I loved her, but then there was Angel. Which at first was an excuse and then there was love. College proved to be too much for our friendship and I see my failure and inability to connect whenever I look into her emerald eyes. After that, my fourth year in Sunnydale, I think of Willow and would rather die again than have to live through any of that. So yeah she's coming to visit and I'm not sure how I will deal. I guess that I will...somehow.
I hope she doesn't bring anyone with her. She didn't say she was, but with Willow you never know. The last time I saw her was in Paris. The original gang met up there for a Christmas party. It was supposed to be the five of us, but she brought her current honey. Sara, Sally, Susie? It started with an S that's all I can remember. I never was one to remember names. That's not the point though. I was excited that last Christmas to see her; that was before she introduced the girlfriend. A week prior to leaving for Paris, I had resolved myself to be the action gal I was known for. I was going to woo her. I was going to finally remove my head from my sphincter and tell the witch how I felt. I had bought this nice black cocktail dress. It accentuated all the right parts of my body and I was going to make her fall madly in love with me. Then she showed up with what's her face and popped my balloons. I spent the week in Paris alone and frustrated. We haven't talked much since. I went back home and stayed the hell away from everyone.
It's funny though. In high school we took this career aptitude test and it told me to be a prison guard or cop. I chose to be a cop. It fit me physically and it seemed like it would be fun. Truth be told it is fun. I work the robbery homicide unit out of precinct 236, and trust me it beats out the usual demon goop that gets lodged in places you didn't think you had. My partner, James, and I don't solve every thing that comes on to our desk, but we do good work and I haven't had to stop an apocalypse in 2 years. So yay me...? Sometimes it get's bad like when kids are involved, but I can deal. Wow...look at the time. Time for bed. I have to be at JFK at 8 am. Why she had to pick a red eye to get here at the earliest possible time is beyond me. She should know I'm not a morning person. Grumble, grumble, and grr argh...I wonder if she'll finally see me?
Buffy hopped down off the ledge and landed gracefully on the fire escape. Making her way down three flights of stairs she climbed back into her window. Laying down she turned off the bedside lamp and drifted off into the fitful sleep she had become accustom to.
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Paris, Rome, London, Rio, Panama, Sydney, all of these names mean nothing to me. I've spent the last two years of my life filling out three passport books and recruiting SIT's than really seeing what's around me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Sure, traveling has its advantages, but I miss home. I miss Sunnydale. Goddess, I thought I'd never say that, but it's true. I miss waking up in the morning and making breakfast with Dawn and Buffy or when Tara was there, watching her make pancakes. I miss Tara. It doesn't seem to go away this ache that started the day I pushed her away. I miss waking up and feeling her body curled into mine and the way she would tease me and get me to wake up. No one's ever done that but my sweet Tara.
I miss Xander. I haven't seen him in almost four months and I need him. He keeps me grounded. Instead he's off with Faith training slayer's in Cleveland. Buffy. Geez, I haven't seen Buffy in a year. Of course, it's to be expected. She really hasn't wanted anything to do with me for over three years. I try and remember why I insisted on the resurrection spell and I can't remember. Sure there's regret that I killed Warren Meers, but it will always be overshadowed by the regret I feel every time I'm around Buffy. I failed her more than anyone, even Tara. Regret is a hard thing to live with.
Of course thinking about Buffy always brings up more than regret. Longing come to my mind, pain, love, want, but most of these I can't express. I have never been able to pinpoint when my love for her turned into a more than friend's type of feeling, but it did. There's this physical pain whenever I see her and now after so long it's hard to be around her for extended periods of time. I'm not sure why I decided to visit. A break? A chance to reconnect? Can I really let her into my world again? Will she push me away and turn her back on me like she has in the past and has for the past year? I probably should call and tell her I can't come and go someplace else. Maybe Fiji. It should be nice this time of year.
Suck it up Rosenberg. I can't go anywhere and I'm lying when I say I don't know why I decided to visit. I came to visit because if I'm really honest with myself, I miss her. I miss her more than I miss Tara or Dawn or Xander. She was my rock. Then my rock was crushed and I stumbled. I want her back. I want to rebuild my pillar and hope maybe just maybe I can lean on her while she leans on me. I've resolved myself to action girl. Buffy would appreciate that. She understands action. I'm think it through gal and she's must get it done now gal. Xander's joke guy. I could use a joke right about now.
Small. From this high up, that's the only thing that comes to mind. The world looks so small. Fragile even, but it's not. I know. I wish...no I don't wish. No wishing here. Wishing leads to granted requests and fucked up realities. Not that this reality is any less fucked up, but I'm used to it. So I guess it's ok to be fucked up as long as you know it and are used to it? That doesn't make sense. Maybe its good to recognize your screwed upedness, and then try and fix it. That seems to make more sense. I'll have to ask Giles may be he can figure out. Gods know I can't.
"This is your captain speaking. Please return you seats and try tables to their original and upright position. We will be landing in John F Kennedy Airport in 10 minutes. The ambient temperature is 56 degrees and the local time is 7:45am. Thank you for flying United. Have fun in the big apple."
Why do they call it the big apple? I need to look into that. Who in their right mind would nickname a city that? It's like naming a city the fuzzy peach. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Why did Buffy have to pick New York City to live in? Couldn't she have picked Boston? It's a nice city, of course it's colder then hell in the winter, but hey it's only three months out of the year and Boston doesn't have a stupid nickname that pilots use to annoy their passengers with.
I wonder how she'll look. Did she grow her hair out? Are there any lines around her eyes or mouth? I hope she's doing well. The last email I got seemed to indicate all arrows to the positive, but she's cut us out of her life so much that I won't know until I see for myself. I wonder if I'll have the guts to see this through and reconnect with her like I had intended. I wonder if she'll finally see me?
Willow pushed her seat back up and made sure that her seat belt was fastened as she watched the ground rise up and meet the plane. It took twenty minutes to taxi in and then another 10 to deplane. Walking down towards the baggage claim, Willow sighed, squared her shoulders and resolved herself to do what she had intended to do on this trip. Come hell or high water, she was going to get through to the Buffy she loved. Walls, emotional baggage, and regret be damned. Willow was going to get what she came for or die trying.