Thirteen Steps -1- The Outsider
by Valyssia
The Path Less Traveled
[reviews]
It was late and Willow Rosenberg was quite tired as she walked the hallways of the fortress occupied by Alpha Team. She was a bit lost and found herself absently reaching out to touch the mind of the person she sought. Buffy...She saw the room her best friend was lounging in. God she had missed her. It had been months since their last meeting and her heart began to flutter a bit as she thought about hugging the woman.
Now all she need do is home in on this. Track it like a dog would but with more spooky factor. A grin spread over Willow's lips at the thought. Left at the next intersection, she thought...then down four doors on the right. She didn't break the connection as she moved swiftly along the hall.
Buffy sat up on her bed suddenly struck with an image. "Willow", she found herself saying absently to no one. Just then, a knock came at her door. She leapt out of bed hoping against hope she'd been right. Outside her door stood the redhead...she absolutely beamed at Buffy as the door swung wide. Buffy could not contain herself. Her heart jumped and so did she. In fact, she nearly took Willow off her feet as she half tackled; half hugged the smiling witch...
"Whoa!" Willow said, "I missed you too."
Buffy was so miserably lonely of that she was nearly in tears at the sight of her best friend. She gave in and began to sob into Willow's cloak without even offering her entrance to the room.
Willow was utterly stunned at this display. She had almost never seen Buffy cry. All the minions of hell and their lapdogs could have been beating down the door and she didn't think that Buffy would have missed a beat. The only instances she could clearly recall at the moment were Joyce's funeral and when she had broken down after locking all of them in her basement with that demon. Those were some pretty difficult times...impossible really. Willow's thoughts trailed off. She was experiencing some difficulty breathing.
"Air! Oxygen... becoming an issue now..." Willow gasped a bit, marveling at Buffy's strength again and trying to pull the Slayer from around her chest.
"Oh gods, Will...I am so sorry!" Buffy sighed and pulled away looking slightly hurt.
"What's the matter, sweetie?" Willow looked into Buffy's eyes and tried to choke back a tear herself. I need to be strong, she commanded.
Buffy snapped back to some semblance of herself at the sound of Willow's voice. Realizing that they were still in the cold hallway, she began, "Oh... I'm so sorry, Will. Please... Please come in and make yourself at home." she sniffled and choked a bit as she made her best effort to parrot this cordial greeting.
Willow stepped into the room, closing the door in her wake. There was a coat rack by the door and she removed her cloak and hat. It had been a bit chilly in the rest of the citadel, but Buffy's room was toasty and warm. She moved over to the couch and worked to make herself comfortable. It had been a long day and she needed the rest.
Waiting for Buffy to speak, Willow began to study the features of the room. The walls were paneled in a reddish hardwood and there was a rich green carpet that didn't quite cover the whole floor revealing hardwood floors at the border. The bone colored ceiling vaulted up from the crown molding in a neat arc meeting a glass chandelier at the center. There was a fire burning low in the fireplace next to the door. The old stonework was quite lovely and Willow found herself admiring it. This was quite a step up from Buffy's old residence in Sunnydale, but Willow already knew that the Slayer missed her old home from their contact on her birthday.
There was a desk against the wall behind her with, oddly enough, a new laptop setup. Buffy and computers...this brought not-so-good sorts of visions to the redhead's mind. There was an iPod and dock on the desk as well; Willow could make out a faint droning from the speaker base. On the desk chair hung a leather jacket that Willow recognized as the one that had been purchased for Buffy to ride in. It was starting to show a bit of wear and Willow wondered how many kilometers the Slayer had racked up on poor Bernadine. Next to the desk, there was a trunk where two helmets sat. She knew that one them was hers. Buffy had made her fit one for size during their birthday meeting. She still had not been out with Buffy and she knew this dreaded point would be brought up sometime soon. Willow shuddered a bit at the thought. She really didn't like motorcycles at all.
A queen bed filled a great deal of the room on the back wall. It was heavy and old with a wooden headboard bearing oak and maple leaf design carvings. Heavy turned posts jutted up almost to the ceiling from the bed frame. Willow found herself wondering how old the piece actually was. Her eyes drifted again to the various shelves half filled with books and knick-knacks that wrapped around the vacant areas of the room. There was an entertainment stand directly in front of her with a modest 27" DVD/ TV combo unit in it.
There were a few paintings and posters on the wall, and Willow grinned as she made out the replacement copy of the 'Chocolate' poster that had hung in their old dorm room. Buffy must have bought another one. A large picture of the core Scooby gang hung over Buffy's desk. All of the pictures they had from their years on the Hellmouth had been destroyed. This looked like one of the ones they had taken on Buffy's last birthday.
There was a doorway next to the entertainment stand and Willow could just see a studio-sized refrigerator sitting on a table. The remainder of that room looked to be a bathroom. Willow could see the floor was set with heavy tile.
The air of the room instantly felt like home to Willow. It felt like her friend. She knew that Buffy could easily stay in here for days. From the slight disorder around her and the smell in the air of something spicy and floral, a smell that was distinctly Buffy, Willow knew she had.
Buffy moved over to the desk and turned up the sound on the iPod dock. The room filled with a haunting melody. A Perfect Circle... Buffy had fallen in love with them recently. The music matched her dark mood perfectly. Buffy moved back over to Will on the couch and snuggled up beside the pretty redhead. She reached out and took her friend's hand without thinking. She sat silently observing Willow's soft features; as she did a flood of emotion hit her like a wave.
It was Willow that finally broke the stalemate. "What's the up, Buff?" She was almost afraid that the Slayer would start to cry again.
Buffy opened her mouth as if to speak and then closed it again half afraid of the noise she might make. She breathed a bit and collected her thoughts. Finally finding the strength she began, "Do you remember when I had to kill Angel to save the world, Will?"
Willow inclined her head slightly indicating that she recalled and looked at Buffy to continue. Oh boy...she's in worse shape than I thought. The Angel card only gets pulled when she's a total train wreck.
"I thought I would die then," she continued calmly. "I felt so alone. Truthfully, the only thing that got me through that whole admitting and recovery bit of it was when you would come to hold me and stroke my hair." Buffy paused for a moment breathing deeply again.
"Then with all of the other things that crushed in on us back in Sunnydale, one right after another or so it seemed, you were always there. Yeah we moved apart and back together at times, but I always knew that if things were really bad I could call on you and you would come. Well...Except that once." Buffy held her tongue saying no more than she had to about Willow's dark time.
"When everything fell apart and we all went our separate ways, I just assumed I would still have my friends." A tear slid down Buffy's cheek as she said this. "You guys were the rock that I stood on. You saved me in so many ways I cannot even begin to count. Even in your darkest hour you came to the hospital and brought me back from what promised to be... Well...I'm not sure...I might have died again. Who knows?"
Buffy thought about how Willow had risked her own life to give her back her own. Her mouth went dry and she stood up to get a bottle of water from the fridge.
"Wantsome?" Buffy held the bottle up absently.
Willow said, "Yes, please."
Buffy grabbed another and slid back next to her friend on the couch passing the second bottle off. "So I had this delusion that we would just keep on, keeping on. No foul. You wanna hear something sick?"
Willow said,"yes," though in truth she was a bit frightened. Buffy was not normally this open at the drop of a hat and it was setting the witch on edge.
"There are fleeting moments when I even miss Andrew." Buffy grinned a bit at this.
Willow laughed, "Gosh! Things must be rough, Buff. humm... Rough, Buff," the witch calmed herself. "But Buffy, you have Xander and Dawnie though. Right here with you live and all in Technicolor, with stereo sound even." Willow interjected.
"Yes, yes, I do... I admit that the Xander is right by my side and I love him to death. But there are days that I want to rip that Bluetooth headset out of his ear, fire up Bernadine and see if I can hit 150 before letting it accidentally slip from my pocket." An evil grin slipped over the Slayer's face as she said this. Her face darkened a bit, "...And Dawn? Dawn is so messed up in her own trip that I'm afraid she might step on me if I get too close. Besides, all we ever do is fight."
Willow puzzled a bit over how Dawnie could step on Buffy, but she didn't ask. Attentively, she went back to hearing Buffy out.
Buffy continued, "Giles really piled on the responsibility when he gave Xander the job he did. He's almost never out of the command center now except to eat, sleep and shower." Pausing again to reflect, Buffy finally found the steel to continue. "Constructing and running our little operation here has been a difficult task. I know you've been right there in it Will. You know as well as I do. I just cannot help but wish for simpler times."
Willow cut in sharply, "Buffy, you cannot really expect things not to change. It sort of goes that way when you change the world. Things just keep a spinnin' and where you land, you have to make happiness."
Buffy nodded as she started again. "I know that, Will, but I don't think you understand. Think about who actually lives here in this place."
Willow considered this carefully before answering, "Xander, Dawn and about 100 some-odd Slayers that we created on our last day back home."
"Don't you see, Will? The only people I have with me are people who either consider me very little because I'm their boss or see me as some hero to worship and fawn over. I can't make friends here. God knows I've fucking tried! Xander is so deep in Sergeant Fury mode, whoever that is, that he only sees me about half the time I speak to him and... and..." Buffy was so exasperated by this point and breathed heavily before turning up her bottle of water and draining it.
"Anyway... As you can tell I spend most of my time locked in here, riding Bernadine, or running missions with Alpha Team. There's nothing else for me here except a sit down meal with Xander once every few days and a knock down, drag out with Dawn on about the same schedule." With this, Buffy started to cry again.
"I'm so lonesome I want to die, Will. There are tons of people around me...too many really and I cannot stand a single one of them for more than five minutes," Buffy said with a shudder. "I've not felt this beaten down since Angel and there's no one here I can share it with. I have to play strong General Buffy every time I leave my room. They expect it, so I give 'em the show they need."
Willow noticed that her friend's face went strangely cold with the last few words she spoke. The contrast was stark and disturbing. Buffy was crying like she was hurt but her expression said something almost cruel.
The redhead responded the only way she could though she wondered whether she might be pushed away. She gathered her upset friend close to her, laid the Slayer's head on her chest and gently stroked her hair. She focused herself again after considering everything that had been said and began, "I am so sorry Buffy. I could feel that there was something wrong, but I also knew you were healthy. I could feel it. I sat sometimes on my bed back at the coven and just focused on you. Tried to feel you...tried to soothe you." A tear slid down Willow's cheek.
She felt terrible. The fact was that she was exhausted most of the time. Working to find all of the slayers they had created was an incredibly tough task. It took hours of careful searching to locate just one. Then when the girl was located, her information was passed on to those who did the actual contacting and recruiting. The bottom line was that it was her fault they were out there though. She had to look...she had to help to locate them all. If just one slayer went all wiggy like Faith had and took a life it was Willow's fault. The blood was on her hands. A tone of complete seriousness had come over the young witch as she pondered this.
Buffy stirred a little... Willow had been quiet for so long Buffy began to wonder if her friend was awake. She looked up and met those bright hazel eyes. They seemed to pull her in. Buffy stared fixed on Willow for a moment. Something had really changed in the girl she knew back in Sunnydale. There was an air of maturity that had not been so strong even the year before. She was an imposing woman now. There was no mistaking this. Willow seemed aged beyond her years.
A smile flitted across the Slayer's lips as she recalled the very first time she had ever seen Willow. She had looked so young and insecure. The only thing she seemed to be really good at was the books. That still came in handy Buffy mused...or at least it had.
Buffy wondered whether Will's parents even cared enough to see what an amazing woman she had become. Odds were, no. They really didn't seem to care much unless something happened that made them look bad. Stupid people! They never even bothered to learn my name not that I cared. I was surprised that they recalled Willow's. She supposed that having named her helped a bit.
Finally Buffy spoke up again, "I forgive you. I suppose, truth-be-told, that I'm being a bit selfish and bratty. I know you've been working hard to make things right with yourself for the magic you performed and I totally respect that. I know you would not just do something that huge and let it hang. It would be the anti-Willow."
Willow felt a warm smile pass over her. Was the Slayer reading my thoughts?, she wondered. Perceptive to say the least...On Buffy's birthday they had all decided no shoptalk. All of the slayer stuff stayed home and they just enjoyed each other's company. It almost felt like they were back at the Bronze, though the alarming number of shiny new motorcycles and complete lack of music had sort of given away the fact they were not. The energy of the day was similar, though. Willow grinned to herself. Other than that day Buffy and Xander had been entirely absent from her life. She missed them both terribly.
Buffy was perking up a bit now. It had helped to just lay everything she held in out at the feet of another concerned person, especially Willow. "Remember saying,'I want to be fester free,' Will?" Buffy paused only long enough to look at the witch and silently tell her she need not reply. "I think I get it now. There were so many things I could have made better by listening to that."
"I'm glad you understand, Buffy. Hiding things from the people you love is just painful." Willow concluded reasonably.
"I'm sorry too," Buffy said softly.
Again Buffy was not sure how long it had been since she had spoken. She looked up at the redhead, studying her face. She was compelled to touch her. She wanted to feel that soft skin under her fingers. Reaching up, she ran her fingers across the witch's cheek. In truth it had just been so long since Willow had been in her life she felt the need to do this just to know in her mind that it was her friend.
Willow caught herself mid preparation for jump when she felt the warm hand on her face. She had so not been expecting it. She looked down just to be sure it was attached to Buffy. Her mind flashed back to trying to control mummy hands and the Magic Box...bad things! Much and lots with the badness! This was not. She shuffled the memory off to the side and just enjoyed the sensation.
They sat silently together for a short time again. Buffy steeled herself a bit and asked the question she'd been aching to for months, "Where have you been, Willow?"
Willow knew this was bound to come up but still found herself unprepared to really answer. She began by matter-of-factly stating, "East and then south," she knew as she said it that Buffy would not be happy. She sat silently and waited for the not happy to show itself.
Buffy considered this for a moment and said, "Really Will, can't you give me just a bit more than a general direction?"
Willow was a bit surprised that the Slayer had managed to keep such a flat tone given her earlier display. It was obvious she was not happy. She needed a friend and Willow felt guilty she could not share more but now was not the time. She finally offered a little more saying, "I needed to fix my head, Buffy. After all that happened I couldn't continue to just be comfortable in one place living in my own skin so I left and traveled seeking answers. Remember Oz? Recall what he did when life came crashing down on him? Well, ironically my journey was very similar."
Buffy reflected a little and said, "...And when you were done you returned to the coven?"
Willow nodded and said, "Yes, they needed me. I actually cut my journey short for them."
Buffy looked a bit hurt as she found the courage to say, "Why didn't you contact me after you went there? I've been so lost without you. You should have called."
Willow brushed a tear from her cheek and simply said, "It wasn't time, Buffy. I'm sorry," at this she stirred a little picking the Slayer up with the arm she had placed around her what seem like hours ago and pulled her tight. She spoke softly as she continued, "You'll have your answers soon enough. For now though I must ask that you respect my wishes," with this she released Buffy and righted herself to stand.
Buffy looked up appearing more hurt and said, "I wish you felt you could talk to me, Willow. It hurts me that you are being so cryptic."
"I wish I could too, Buffy. You don't know how much I want to sit down and just pour my soul out like you did tonight but sadly I don't have the time or the energy to do it justice. I'll be back very soon and I promise you a rousing tale of adventure but for now. I simply have to leave. I've stayed longer than I was supposed to and the coven needs me there and rested in the morning," Willow sighed a little and walked across the room toward the foot of the bed.
Buffy followed the redhead with her eyes as she moved saying, "You really have to leave? Can't you just spend the night?"
"No, Buffy I can't. We have a new player in the mix and we've been following them very carefully. I'm needed to help. This is pretty serious stuff. I'll let you know more when I can but for now that's about all that's really clear. I assure you we'll be together again soon," with this Willow sat down on the floor, pulled a pouch of powder from her pocket, drew a circle around her self with it, and started to concentrate. She could feel her sisters respond by pushing back and soon there was a glowing sphere near the foot of Buffy's bed.
Willow stood up to make room for the portal and turned to Buffy to say, "Goodbye for now."
Buffy ran forward half leaping the couch and pulled Willow close. "I miss you!" she said and began to cry.
Willow looked at the Slayer and her heart broke a little. She wiped a tear from the other woman's face and said in a small voice, "Please, don't let anyone know I was here. I came for you and you alone. Xander and Dawnie would be crushed if they knew I showed and didn't see them. I don't want to hurt them," with this she released Buffy and stepped back into the light.
As the portal's glow softly faded she restrained herself from following Willow. Buffy wanted nothing more. She turned and made her way to her bed and wept.