Thirteen Steps -7- Lullaby
by Valyssia
[reviews]
Description: Season 8 - Buffy & Willow stop to rest on the way back to Scotland.
Disclaimer: Buffy, Willow and all things Slayer belong to Joss Whedon and the good folks at Mutant Enemy.
Feedback: Any and all reviews will be welcomed. Feel absolutely free to tell me just how much you think I...ummm...errr...inhale sharply.
Goddess, I'm glad we stopped... I was starting to feel like a human pretzel. Willow stretched out in the antique bed; grabbing the headboard she tugged hard in an attempt to straighten her own spine. She rolled onto her side and put her top leg out, folding it at the knee and pushed her shoulder to the bed, her back making and audible pop. Wow! Bernadine is just...ouch! Much better.
A look of concern washed over Buffy's features as she spoke, "I'm glad we decided to take a break. Is there anything I can do?"
"Well I wouldn't turn down a backrub or a trip to the chiropractor," Willow said, with a soft laugh.
Buffy giggled and began to massage the witch's back. "I told you it'd be cool if you just took a portal back, but...no..."
"I wanted to be with you. Besides, if I'd just popped back...you would've been all rushed to get back to Scotland...the rushing thing...not so much of the good..." Willow moaned a little as the Slayer ran her fingers over a sore muscle group.
"You're right...rushing is definitely of the bad... Funny, how much of it we seem to do," she mumbled, still attentive to what Willow was saying.
"And we would've missed this nifty bed and breakfast. You have to admit that wine tasting thing...pretty much worth the pain. Actually, this... Pretty much worth the pain too... No idea...you were so good at this. I'd have hurt my back weeks ago if I'd known. Okay...so...might be easier to just invent the pain." Willow sighed softly, enjoying the attention.
The Slayer grinned as she said, "Or you could just ask...easier still... And yeah...I sorta feel bad for stopping, but we deserved it. Besides, we could've ridden straight through and been there by now, but if we had...well...we'd've been totally wiped." Buffy worked the witch's muscles with sort of a numb, worn-out look on her face.
"Speaking of...the being wiped bit," Willow said, yawning loudly.
Buffy yawned too, stopping to stretch; she rolled off the bed and pulled the covers back. "Think it might be that time. You feel better?"
"Much, thanks," Willow gave the Slayer a warm smile, getting up to pull the covers back on her side.
Buffy flipped off the little bedside lamp, and pulling the blankets up over herself, she felt Willow tuck up tight to her back. She was asleep almost the moment her head hit the pillow.
*******
Buffy startled awake. Looking over, she took in the time on the clock next to the bed. 2:23am...GRRRR... She felt Willow stir and look at her. "Stupid dreams," she grumbled softly, surveying the room. The moonlight showing brightly in through the window, the limbs of the tree right outside caught her eye. She stared fixedly at them.
"What's wrong, Buffy? Something...well," Willow whispered, thinking there might be more cause for alarm. Instinctively, she reached out and found nothing upsetting.
"It's nothing, Will. Just bad dreams...more of...that can't seem to find any peace crap... No, no one's trying to hurt us this time. Check back Tuesday. News might change," Buffy said, sounding completely irritated.
"Wanna talk about it?" Willow replied with a concerned, sleepy look on her face. She stirred and got up, flipping on the light in the bathroom. I know I saw a coffeemaker in here. Good of them to put one in the room. She went about making a pot. She splashed her face and brushed her teeth before she returned with hot cups of steaming caffeine.
Buffy found herself reluctantly mulling over what General Voll had said the night before. It's easy to dismiss things that people who are obviously evil and pretty twisted say, but it's like Anya pointed out...evil beings...they tell the truth all the time just to mess with ya...and nothing's simple anymore...used to be bad guy...good guy... Good guy shoves a stick through bad guy's chest and he goes poof. Not so much...not anymore... Us against the world, though? The Slayer tensed a little at the idea.
"What's wrong, Buffy?" Willow said, offering the Slayer a cup.
"Oh...just thinkin'...and you know what an extreme sport that can be," the Slayer responded, laughing softly as she took the cup from Willow and sipped at it gratefully. "Thank you."
Willow snickered and lay back down on the bed, propping herself on a pillow. "Talk to me," she said, meeting the Slayer's gaze and taking a careful sip from her cup.
"I dunno Will...it just seems to me that our General friend had a point last night. I mean he was a total psycho, but the demon thing...gotta give him credit, he knew exactly which nerves to press." Buffy rose, sitting cross-legged; she met Willow's stare and held it, taking another small sip from her cup.
Willow continued to survey Buffy as she spoke, "I'm not sure I get what you mean...explain, and I'll give you an honest opinion."
Buffy's thoughts were jumbled. She took another sip of her coffee hoping the caffeine would help. Not sure how to say this to Will without upsetting her. Well, I guess I just toss it out there 'cause it upsets me too. No real way to make it kind...
"I'm not sure how to even start, Will. It just seems to me that there are questions that we should be asking...you know...about what we're doing...where we're going... I start with the asking and end up feeling pretty clueless. I guess I just don't have the answers."
"We're not supposed to have all the answers, Buffy. Still doesn't explain what you mean." Willow looked patiently at the Slayer, waiting for her to continue.
"Okay, so...it's like this...we go about our little crusade to rid the world of evil...demons and the like...where do we draw the line? I mean if we were to kill them all. Is that the mission? The implications of that would mean a few thousand girls committing suicide once we finished. Nasty thought...not something I'd ever want... What would I do? Have a Kool-Aid party at the castle? Let's talk evil...that's evil." Buffy put her head in her hand, staring at Willow with a sullen look on her face.
Willow shook her head, and giving the Slayer a disgusted glance, she said in a soft voice, "No, Buffy, don't even think that way. Even joking about stuff like that is...well...it's really wrong."
Hurt washed over Buffy's face. "It's just that 'Master Race' thing he said...didn't exactly conjure warm fuzzy images for me. Unbelievable bastard."
Willow's features softened. She gave the Slayer a sheepish, sympathetic smile as she spoke, "Sorry, Buffy... Besides, that would sorta be my fault. If it's anyone's place to worry...it's mine. I own that. Truth is, I've been thinking about it very seriously for a long time now...since it happened actually. I believe I can reverse the magicks. It'll be an all or nothing thing...and I really can't test, so... That's the reason I've just been keepin' it to myself. If I do one...they'll all go...including you. Not very good for us now, but in the future...might be very much of the good." She took another sip of coffee and looked pensively at Buffy.
"Yeah...I sorta guessed that'd be on your mind too...not something you'd take lightly. Trouble is in the now...what happens if even one of 'em turns bad like Faith did? How do we even begin to cope with that? I mean...we can't kill...so what do we do? She'll just keep coming back...much with the drama...and the badness...not something I hoped to revisit."
Buffy stared out the window; the look on her face had grown distant and slightly cold. That Faith thing is definitely not a movie I ever wanna see again. Worst bit is, if it does happen, that's exactly how it'll go.
"Like you said...those answers aren't easy. The Watcher's Council's pretty much history. They dealt with that sorta stuff before. The thing is...part of that hating...big part of it...was how they handled it. We need to behave in a gentler way. The very idea that we might ever use the term, 'wet work' sorta makes the hair on the back of my neck bristle." Willow offered the Slayer a concerned look as she pulled the covers up.
Buffy nodded, and smiling softly at the witch, she spoke in a reflective voice, "You've got a point...making the rules might be hard, but at least they'll be ours."
Willow broke into hysterical laughter, shaking the bed.
"Sup, Will?" Buffy asked, trying not to laugh herself.
The witch worked to compose herself and spoke thickly through the giggles, "Well, you said you wanted a dog, right?" she replied, shaking her head. "Welcome to the Slayer petting zoo...and hey, all our pets would even come pre-named...no worries about what to call..."
"Oh...that's just wrong, Will," Buffy said, rolling her eyes.
Willow settled, still looking mildly amused. "Yeah, well...Amy lived as my pet for how many years? It really is wrong, but...I almost made ya laugh, so... Really, that'd be pretty evil too...that whole taking free will and higher reasoning from a sentient being...not of the good...but definitely funny. Amy sorta did it to herself, so that was actually different, but...the rest of that is... We can't exactly force things that have free will to see it our way. That's another flavor of evil...sort of fanatical... So, we just have to take that chance when we let one of them wander off."
"Yup...and that'd be my point. You can't exactly force 'em on board. The thing that's really upsetting though is that we sit here and say, 'what if'. Willow, there were two of us and one went bad. How many slayers are there now? I don't think were in the realm of 'what ifs'...it's more like the realm of 'whens.' I'd say this is something we need to have figured."
Willow nodded in agreement. "We do...you're right, Buffy."
"This whole subject makes me nervous as hell, Will. It stirs up so much bad from the past," Buffy looked distant and pensive.
Taking another sip from her cup, the witch looked to Buffy to continue.
"There are only a couple of ways we can really go with it...really it's kill or capture...that'd be the choices. Neither is good. It's easy to see what's wrong with the first, but that's how it's most likely to go. Slayers...not exactly subtle...we get the attention of a bad one, and get in her way...she'll push back...and you saw how that went."
Buffy drifted off into thought. All of the things that happened with Faith started to parade through her mind. Her mood became progressively worse as she mulled over the past.
Willow noticed the change in the Slayer's emotional state. It wasn't hard. Don't need to be even remotely empathic to pick up on the gloom in this room. It'd not been great when they started and the subject was definitely not improving things. Being silly didn't work...time for plan B. Really don't want to talk about this, but...
"Well you know that doing something that goes against your nature is never an answer, right?" Willow looked pensively at the Slayer.
"I know, Will. Since the thing with Faith I've always sorta feared being driven there again. It's one of the few things that really gets to me. I mean...we went through it a few days ago...the being driven. You saw how well that turned out. Still worried...just hope she got the message."
"Actually...I think that turned out better than I ever hoped it would. Scared the hell out of me at the time, but now I think about it...you were pretty amazing...and I believe it'll work out," Willow said, a warm smile covered her face.
"Thanks, Will," Buffy said returning the smile. She sighed and continued, "Still not sure what we should do about the slayer thing. I don't see any good answers. It's not like you can just lock one up and keep her forever. Law sorta frowns on that. We can't exactly force her to come around to our way of thinking...like you said. ...And all that's assuming we could even catch her in the first place without the killing." Buffy grew morose and withdrawn again.
"I need to tell you a story that I think will help. It's gonna be really hard on me...the telling. I've never talked about this...sorta hoping I'd never need to." As the witch spoke her face darkened. She started to chew on the skin next to one of her fingernails, stopping when the Slayer grabbed her hand.
Buffy gave Willow an attentive gaze. "I'm listening."
"Did you ever hear about a slayer called Dana?" the witch asked.
Buffy cupped Willow's cheek in her hand, turning her face until their eyes met. "You don't have to do this if it's too hard. I totally understand...and no, I never heard anything about a Dana."
"I think you need to know, Buffy." Willow sighed heavily, hoping she could just rush through this and not dwell too much. A sense of dread overcame her. I need to just get this over with. Big Q&A afterward...not gonna happen.
The tone of Willow's voice turned more remote as she began, "Andrew went with some of the girls to retrieve her. Angel's people actually brought her down. Not until after she'd cut both of Spike's hands off though," she said, pausing because she felt the unrest in the Slayer. She turned her gaze to a blank section of the wall and waited for Buffy to settle.
"She did what?" Buffy replied in a small voice, looking horrified.
Willow glanced at Buffy briefly before she returned her eyes to the same spot on the wall, like there might've been something important there. "You heard me," she said patiently.
The witch cut Buffy off by continuing to speak, "So Andrew and his girls brought her back. She was severely mentally ill. Not bipolar or one of those chemical imbalance things...she'd been tortured to insanity...like Drusilla."
"Jesus, Will..." the Slayer said with a deep sigh, maintaining the look of shock.
Willow turned to Buffy again, giving her a stern glance, she said in a gentle, patient tone, "Let me finish, please. Like I said, this isn't something I want to talk about."
"Sorry," Buffy mumbled, trying to collect herself.
"I asked that she be sent to Westbury. No one else had been able to get through, and she was my responsibility...they all are... We set up a safe space for her and brought in a doctor to tend to her needs. I knew that she'd need medicines to even be receptive, but I didn't want her catatonic. That's how she'd been kept by the doctors at the other hospital...before she escaped...she was pretty violent, so I could sorta see why." Willow started to chew on the skin around one of her nails again and Buffy took her hand, holding it to quiet the nervous impulse.
The witch looked down at her hand and continued speaking in the same distant voice, "I started to work with her, along with some of the other sisters. We told the doctor we wanted to gradually scale the meds back so... She started to surface. It took a long time, and I saw some things you'll never get me to talk about. I just can't...but she did come around. With enough patience, understanding and love you can fix just about anything, Buffy. Even people like me and Dana."
Buffy mulled over the story. She had questions that she was really sort of afraid to ask so she held her peace, hoping that Willow would just speak again. Wow, that's totally messed up. Explains a couple more things, but...
Willow steadied herself, looking back toward the Slayer, she said, "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to...well I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. It's just hard to talk about...really don't need to."
"I can appreciate why." Buffy offered the witch a concerned look, drawing still again.
"So, yeah...you can just lock them up and do what it takes. Been there...not really looking forward to the revisiting, but if I have to...I will," Willow said in a flat, emotionless voice.
The Slayer nodded, not really sure how to handle the witch's change in demeanor.
"You see, the thing is, Buffy...it's not really about forcing them to see it your way. It's more about...what happened to them...what caused them to...get mean...violent? There's always a cause...like with me...the cause was...you get the idea. It's always about the pain you can't resolve on your own."
Buffy sighed deeply, considering the witch for a moment before she spoke, "I guess the thing to do is set up a few cells in the basement of the castle that are Buffy tested, Slayer approved...just in case it happens again. I'll help if it comes up. I know that unless the person is really broken...mostly what's needed is just to know that someone else cares. I can do that."
Willow nodded, taking in the compassionate look on the Slayer's face; she said in a soft voice, "That would be about it." She forced herself to smile weakly.
Buffy drew the witch up into a tight hug, stroking her hair. "It'll be alright, Will," she said in a soft, soothing voice.
"Is there anything else bothering you? It sorta felt like there was more to that first thing...what was said last night." Willow settled back down onto the bed, giving the Slayer an attentive gaze.
Buffy worked to collect her thoughts. I had so much to say and well...wow. Willow doesn't do anything small does she? Always has to be earth shattering. Suppose it's the same with me though...if I were totally honest. It's more of that hard decisions stuff. We don't get to simple much up these days.
"Whatcha thinkin', sweetie?" Willow said, appearing troubled as she took another sip of her coffee. She got up to turn off the coffeemaker and switch off the bathroom light. Returning to bed, she curled up, offering the Slayer a caring look.
Buffy caught the witch's gaze, and began to speak stream of consciousness, not really thinking about what she was saying, "Dunno...not so much actually..." she sighed deeply.
"I guess there are a few things that still worry me...it back to how we define our mission...where we draw our lines. It's just...I've sort of always done this job the same way...one demon at a time. I don't know how else to do it. We do the same thing now, only instead of the one, we take out a nest. Well, there are only so many...we're bound to eventually make a difference...and that's of the good... Yay us...when we get there...but..." Taking another sip of coffee, she started to fidget, finally setting herself by setting the cup aside. Buffy lay down on her stomach, taking her face in her hands.
The Slayer looked thoughtfully down at the comforter on the bed as she spoke, "When we do...what we'll be left with is people like Angel. Where does he fit in? He's gotten to play a couple times now, since we met him, as Angelus...soulless...and way evil...not exactly worrying about the grey hair or wrinkles either... Not something I want to think about. Worse still...say we just let him be. What happens if he loses his soul once all of us are gone?" Buffy shuddered, looking sullen and withdrawn, once more.
She shifted onto her side, breathing in deeply, before she continued, "Or Spike for that matter...he's a demon who took great pleasure in torturing children with railroad spikes at one time. Where does he fall in the grand scheme of our plan? How about Clem? He's a demon...a demon that loves Knight Rider and Bugles. You get the idea...finishing up sorta makes all us champion types obsolete... Even us not so champion types, poor Clem. It's like Voll said...what use will we be? Will we be the evil ones, then? Not exactly looking at a shiny past here either...coupla deaths and much violence," Buffy concluded, returning her gaze to the window.
"Yeah...know what you mean. I don't have those answers for you, but I will say...evil...not something you'll ever be unless lots changes. You'd have to really work at it. Spike and Angel...sorta different... You have to understand though you can't answer every question the moment you ask it. It wouldn't be a very good question if you could. Questions take time to figure out sometimes. There may be just the right solution; you wait patiently and like magick it falls into your lap. You just gotta have the persistence to look and wait, is all." Willow reached over and cupped Buffy's cheek in her hand, caressing it gently; she lay back against her pillow and stared pensively at her.
Buffy met the witch's eyes and gave her a soft smile.
Willow returned the smile. "I do promise that I'll do whatever I can to make it easier. That's all I've got. I can do lots...making the hard questions simple up? Not so much...but if there's a magickal solution to any of this...you can bet I'll find it. That much I can promise."
"Just being okay with the admitting helps much," Buffy said, taking Willow's hand.
"Honestly, I think for all your noises about not having what it takes to answer any of this...you've already got a pretty good idea how to deal. You follow your conscience and listen to that amazing heart of yours. Then you take it one day at a time. Make the calls as they come...and don't do anything you can't live with. That's how you fight evil, without becoming evil. You've already set the standard. Why change now? It works for you." Willow concluded in a comforting voice.
Buffy smiled warmly at her witch as she lay down and drew the blankets up. "Thanks, Will...for the listening."
"That's what I do. Now...go back to sleep..." the witch whispered as she shut her eyes.
Pulling Willow up close, the Slayer drifted off.