Thirteen Steps -10- A Stranger
by Valyssia
Reflections
[reviews]
Zay broke away from the group at the castle front. "I need to go see Xander. I think he needs someone to be there. You go back to Buffy, Willow. She needs you."
Willow nodded. Entering the castle, it occurred to her she wanted to ask, 'why?' She made her way back to Buffy's room, too frozen to really react. Leah greeted her cheerfully as she made her way in the door. Willow managed a nod meant to excuse the other woman.
Leah took in the crumpled appearance of the witch and made her way silently from the room.
Buffy asked, "What's wrong, Wills?" Receiving no answer, she laid there looking at the empty expression on the witch's face. I guess whatever it was...it's over.
Willow climbed onto the bed and dropped her head on Buffy's shoulder. Taking the Slayer into her arms, she started to weep. "I'm sorry," she said thickly through her tears.
"For what, Will?" Buffy asked. She held Willow, not knowing exactly what to do or what was wrong. The feeling made her a bit distressed, but she forced herself to hold her just the same.
"For being a fool," Willow choked, clinging tightly to Buffy.
***********
Zay knocked on Xander's door, hoping he would answer.
"Yes," Xander said, as he swung the door open.
"Sorry, I just thought I should check on you. I can go away if you'd rather," Zay replied, appearing nervous.
"No, you can come in. I was just cleaning up." Xander turned his back, walking off into the kitchen.
Zay followed him. "Thank you. No one's ever...well...no one's ever done anything..."
Xander grabbed the dustpan and broom, starting once again to clear the glass from the kitchen floor. He looked up, offering the girl a faint smile.
Zay took the dustpan from him and began to help him clean up the mess.
They finished in silence, taking the debris to the trash cans outside before either of them spoke.
"It was very brave," Zay finally said.
Xander broke into a sheepish smile, adding, "You mean foolish?"
"No, I mean brave," Zay replied firmly. She gave Xander a quick hug and turned to walk away.
"You don't have to leave," Xander offered.
"I should shower...I'm a bit of a mess," Zay said matter-of-factly. "I just wanted to see that you were okay."
"I'm fine," Xander answered, putting on his best silly grin. "You're welcome to come back."
Zay nodded. "I'll do that."
***********
Buffy worked to free herself. Willow had managed to finally cry herself to sleep. But Buffy wasn't tired. She gently moved the limbs that restrained her and rolled off the bed. I'm guessing the bag she has over her shoulder has my stuff in it. Carefully she lifted Willow's arm and removed the bag. Oh...Kay...now for that shower. Wish I had a clue... Will wasn't so much for lettin' me buy or even beg one. And... Wow! I've never seen her quite so much the mess. Something really bad happened. Again...I'm pretty much clueless.
Showering quickly, Buffy got dressed and left the room. I feel like I'm in some sort of a hospital ward. Hope it doesn't freak Will out, but I need some air. That and I'd like to see Zay. Something tells me she won't go all protecty on me like Will did. Kid pretty much says nothing or exactly what's on her mind. She made her way up the flights of stairs with some effort and knocked on Zay's door.
Zay greeted Buffy with her hair in a towel. "You shouldn't be out of bed, Buffy."
"Well I am...you gonna put me back?" Buffy replied with a smirk.
Zay tilted her head as though considering the possibility. "Probably not...but only because you'll be well too soon to have forgotten."
"Smart girl," Buffy commented, breaking into a wolfish grin.
"Would you like to come in? Or well...I dunno... You tell me," Zay said, motioning Buffy inside.
Buffy entered the room, taking a seat on the couch. "Actually... I could use something else to eat. Will came back into the room and sorta lost it."
"Yeah...I was afraid of that. I'll go make you something... Or do you want to come with? Not sure what you're up for," Zay offered, giving Buffy a concerned glance.
"What I'm up for is food, the truth and some air. Don't care how I get any of it," Buffy replied in a matter-of-fact tone.
Zay fluffed her hair dry with the towel and tossed it off in a corner. Quickly running a brush through it she responded, "Okay then...come with... I'll give you as much of the three as I think you can handle. Deal?"
Buffy followed Zay out of the room, keeping pace as best she could. "Works for me, but if you mollycoddle me like Will...expect me to kick your ass."
"Alright... I should tell you...threats like that...don't mean a lot to me though," Zay answered fairly, turning to grin at the Slayer.
"Figured...was sorta jokin'," Buffy said, smirking at Zay.
"Got that..." Zay confirmed, checking to make sure Buffy was doing okay as she said it. She's right...it'd piss me off too, if I were in the position she's in. If she obviously needs help she'll get it, but just letting her do it on her own is best. She's a fighter...bet she was that even before she became a slayer. "So what sounds good? Anything... You name it and if we have the stuff for it I can make it."
Buffy took a seat at the small kitchen table. "Really? You cook?" Thank god this place is empty. Dealing with the slayerettes...not so much...
"What else do you think I had to do? I cooked and I read," Zay replied, appearing amused.
Buffy considered this for a moment. "Makes sense. How 'bout something pasta-ish? Whatever...doesn't so much matter."
Zay snooped around, beginning to prepare food for them in silence. As soon as they'd eaten they went outside together, taking a seat on the lawn.
"Oh...Kay...so now the truth?" Buffy asked, staring up at the moon. She marveled at how full and red it looked.
Zay flopped down next to the Slayer. "Do you believe that I should forgive my mother?"
"I dunno, Zay...that's sorta up to you. I know it wouldn't be a simple thing. Living with the hate's prolly harder," Buffy answered fairly.
"I'm not sure there's so much hate anymore. I mean I hated my mom for a long time. Then it just sorta turned to indifference. I couldn't care less if she's alive or dead. I'll never forgive her, though," Zay responded, looking over at the Slayer to take in her expression.
Appearing pensive, Buffy replied, "You mean even if she totally changed? I mean that's the weird thing about people. They do that. You just never know. One day your mom could look back and realize just how awful she was and..."
"You really think she would? Regardless how much a person can change there're always patterns. People get set in behaviors. They do the same things over and over. Sometimes they do them, knowing that they're wrong," Zay reflected, gazing up at the moon.
"Yeah I guess you'll have that. It depends on the person. Where you goin' with this?" Buffy asked, leaning back in the grass, she turned on her side and propped her head in her hand.
Zay matched the Slayer's position, facing her; she paused to consider what to say next. "I dunno Buffy... It just seems to me that people can do stuff that's so bad, they don't deserve our forgiveness." She sighed deeply. "See thing is...I don't think that anyone who would torture a child deserves more than a moment of my thought or yours. Just long enough to identify the evil and move on."
"You may be right. I like to think we all do bad stuff and we all can change. Sorta gives me hope. Suppose there's some stuff..." Buffy appeared introspective and withdrawn.
"And that's the point. Something happened...but you got that...and it was something so bad...that there was no room for forgiveness," Zay offered in a resolved manner.
Buffy looked down, picking up the cross she wore around her neck. She considered it for a moment and took it off, staring at the piece of jewelry as if searching for a fragment of something important.
It's too early for her to see that. "Angel gave you that didn't he?" Zay interjected, looking at the necklace.
"Yeah...how'd you know?" Buffy replied, seeming taken aback.
Zay shrugged. "Dunno I just feel things. It's weird. Objects sometimes tell me stuff. I look at that and know that he loved you very deeply when he gave it to you. I can sorta see his face even."
"That's pretty wicked cool. Demon thing?" Buffy inquired, looking mildly amused.
Zay smiled softly as she answered, "I guess...I've just always done it. I can look at things...sorta know their history and what they do. That other necklace is actually more interesting to me."
Buffy pulled the piece of quartz out to examine it. "Yeah...this one's pretty special...they both are...something about the first one just feels wrong now," she said tucking the quartz back in her shirt. "So I guess whatever it was is gone now. Otherwise well...we wouldn't be..."
"That's right, Buffy. Otherwise laying in the yard would be a bad thing. What do you remember?" Zay seemed very interested as she waited for the Slayer to speak.
Buffy put the cross in her pocket and started to fidget with her ring. "Dunno...just sort of have these vague impressions. I know someone was hurt and I know someone died. No idea how I know...the moon sorta tells the second half of that...if you believe the old wives tale. 'Course Will's reaction...hard to miss too."
"Sounds to me like you already have all the truth you need. The rest should come, but taking it easy might be a good idea. You know Willow's right. Forcing things you're not ready to see...is pretty much bad," Zay offered in a frank tone. "You look sleepy. Wants some help getting back to bed?"
"Think I can make it on my own if you...well...am I keeping you from something?" Buffy replied nervously.
Zay stood up offering the Slayer a hand. "I'm fine...let me walk you back. You need to rest."
Buffy took the hand and stood, still appearing somewhat shaky. "I sorta wanna go home, but I don't want to leave Will. It's weird bein' back in the castle."
Zay started for the front door, watching to make sure Buffy was getting along okay. "You should stay with Willow. She'll need you when she wakes up. Just love her, Buffy...give her that unconditionally and the rest should sort itself out. I know it's confusing, but time and patience..."
"Yeah...Will says that too. Enough time and patience, you can fix just about anything. Makes sense," Buffy said with a sigh.
Zay held the door open for the Slayer, watching as she passed through. "She's right, up to a point. There are always limits on what we can do. That's what makes us human."
Buffy hugged Zay when they reached the door to her room, saying good night and thanking her for the food. Entering, she stood considering Willow for a moment. Wish I could help ya, Wills. Know better than to think I can at this point. Got the monster thing...it's gonna take a while before you trust me. Wonder if I at least got to be big and green? Big and green would be fun. My luck I was just scrawny and blond. No cool creature effects for me...just little blond...and extremely pissed off... Wonder why? They're both right...I got as much as my poor brain can handle. If I needed more...it'd show me more.
Making her way to the desk, Buffy pulled the cross from her pocket to look at it again. ...And crosses make me nervous. Not exactly the best thing for my slayer resume, but not that big a deal. She peeled off her sweats and threaded her bra out the side of her undershirt, crawling into bed. Wish I could at least get her under the covers. The chances of that happening are about nil unless I wake her. Waking her would be bad, she reflected, willing herself to relax for sleep.
***********
Zay stirred awake, a bit confused to find herself on Xander's couch. Oh, that's right...movie marathon... Well, whatever it takes to keep him flying straight. Though, the man does have tragic taste in film. One more 'classic' and my head may've exploded.
Well...one last detail. I'm gonna go get another shower and some clean clothes. Zay left a note for Xander asking that he call her when he was ready to face the world and telling him she needed his help. She slipped out the door afterward.
A couple of hours later they were both standing next to one of the Land Rovers in the parking lot behind the castle.
"You need a can of gasoline and a box of matches? Is it just me, or should this sound bad?" Xander asked, appearing skeptical.
"It should sound exactly like it sounds. We're going to commit arson," Zay replied with a shrug.
Xander shook his head. "Alright then... You know you're a bad influence? I'm gonna go with the trust until..."
"Trust me...this needs to happen," Zay said firmly, following Xander into a storage room at the rear of the castle.
Xander picked up a gas can and closed the door. He put the can in the Land Rover and went to his house for the matches. "Anybody told you you're nuts lately?"
"Not in the past week or so...give take..." Zay said with a snicker. "Just hit the main road and make the first right past the moor. Should be an old grown up gravel drive." Zay climbed into the Rover and waited patiently.
Xander drove in silence to the place Zay instructed.
"Don't pull up too close. We don't want the truck leaving ruts or anything. Could be bad. Ground's pretty firm, but just pull off of the road far enough no one can see it. We'll walk the rest of the way." When they stopped, Zay grabbed the gas can in spite of Xander's protests.
"So why am I here?" Xander asked, looking over at Zay as she walked resolutely down the drive. "You seem pretty set on this and I don't think it was about the ride."
"Because I think you need to understand. That is, if you want to. I'm not into forcing people to see," Zay replied, in a matter-of-fact voice.
"So this is where...?" Xander queried, appearing nervous.
Zay glanced over long enough to take in the mood change. "This is where..." She swapped the can into her other hand. "You know anything about the legend of the Green Man, Xander?"
"I know about the Green Hornet and the Green Lantern. He wouldn't be a distant cousin, would he?" Xander said; his face stretched into a quirky smile.
"Not really... See the thing is...the forest around here. Actually old forests just in general, are a haven for ancient forces. Sorta like a home." Zay swapped hands again and felt Xander pull the can away from her. She rolled her eyes and continued, "So years ago...like thousands...folks were pretty much hooked into the idea that nature was god. They treated the planet with respect and reverence. They loved the old gods and all that sorta stuff."
Zay paused a moment to let Xander catch up and took the can from him, ignoring his protests. Setting off again, she continued, "Then came the new religions and crusades to clear the lands of the pagans. Focus shifted from loving the land to something different. The concept of sin came into play...the idea that you need only ask for forgiveness to have bad deeds expunged. That and of course pay for the service and say a mantra or two."
"People stopped caring so much. You can see it in how we live now. So, the old gods saw this and became bitter. They hate the symbols of the new god. They watched them march across the land, killing the ones that loved them. Sorta a grudge thing..." Zay stopped to look ahead of them. "This is it. We need to be careful not to leave any trace we were here."
"So you're saying that something primal was pretty torqued about the..." Xander remarked, appearing pensive.
"That would be about the size of it. I was going to kill her. You didn't have to, but... You need to understand there was no other option. You don't just piss something like that off, then say sorry and send flowers." Zay walked around to the side door of the farmhouse. "Okay now...if you want to see...the basement's just off the kitchen." She pulled a bandanna out of her pocket and handed it to Xander. "Tie that around your face...might help..."
Xander tied the bandanna around his nose and mouth and entered the house. He cracked the basement door, looking down the stairs. Two steps down was enough; he came back up and took the gas can from Zay, starting to pour the contents onto the old wooden stairs. "I see your point," he reflected, splashing the gasoline onto the wooden door. He trailed the gasoline to the kitchen door and handed Zay the empty can. Striking a match, he lit the house on fire.
"Okay...let's bail," Zay said, starting down the drive at a jog.
The house was fully ablaze by the time they got back to the Rover. Xander looked at the plume of black smoke as he started the truck. He watched Zay get in, placing the can between her feet. Handing her the bandanna, he put the truck in reverse and slowly started to back out.
Zay opened her window. "Let me listen before you pull out. I'll tell you when." She listened intently for traffic, hearing nothing she motioned for Xander to go.
Xander smiled, looking over at Zay. "So what're we doin' tomorrow? I've always thought being a cat burglar might be cool."
Zay rolled her eyes. "I think we're the only neighbors. Hopefully that'll just get to burn itself out. Dunno about you...I wanted it gone."
"100% completely, on board," Xander replied firmly, turning the truck onto the drive to the castle. "I need to go and actually do my job today. I'll make sure none of the girls call the fire in."
"Sounds good...I'll be in my room if you need. You gonna be okay, Xander?" Zay said; getting out of the truck to take the gas can back.
"Should be... It'll take time, but I'll live," Xander replied, starting for the castle entrance.
***********
Buffy felt Willow stir. She'd been drifting in and out of sleep for a few hours. Actually facing this made her nervous as hell, but the sooner it came, the sooner it might end, or so she reasoned. Not sure there is an end...seems more like a moving on... God knows, I've done tons of that...big experience with the subject... Pick up a fragment here and another there...hope for the best. Welcome to the pieces of my shattered life. Guess I sorta didn't miss this a bit. "Mornin'," she offered in a gentle voice, not knowing what else to say. It's a start.
Willow looked around, not quite sure where she was at first, then startled by the fact that she seemed to have fallen asleep fully clothed in a strange bed. Three different beds in as many nights... She sighed deeply, turning to face Buffy.
Taking in the still sodden look on Willow's face, Buffy felt compelled to caress her cheek. "I'm sorry, Will. Right now I dunno much, but what I do know is that you needed me...and well...I wasn't there," she whispered.
Starting to shrink away, Willow stopped herself. She began to cry again, unable to control the impulse. "You're sorry, Buffy? I-I caused this...it's my f-fault," she choked thickly through her tears.
Buffy pulled the witch up tight, rubbing her back. "I'm havin' a lot of trouble buyin' that. Sayin' it again isn't gonna convince. Tell me what you think you did wrong."
"It's not what I did...it's what I didn't do," Willow replied, trying to calm herself.
"So you're tryin' to tell me you feel responsible because you weren't responsible? As pretzel logic goes that's a new low...congratulations," Buffy said, appearing bemused.
Willow's face twisted with pain. "No Buffy...I didn't do everything I could've."
"You know what, Will? I know you. You...Little Miss Compulsive... You used to copy your notes after every class. You're gonna have to find another buyer for that line of shit. It's not sellin' here. What exactly do you think you didn't do?" Buffy asked, appearing almost angry. This'd be tons easier if I had a clue what the hell I was actually talkin' about...still clueless...at least I'm consistent.
"I dunno...I could've done more..." Willow reasoned feebly.
"Well now, that's a familiar song, but it's still no reason to go all Mark Antony on me. Sorry...takin' your sword..." Buffy said resolutely. Considering the situation briefly, she added, "Besides, were you the only one?
"Giles knew," Willow replied; still seeming very upset.
"Oh...well, that doesn't change much. Giles is totally irresponsible," Buffy said dismissively. Looking irritated, she continued, "He's the head of the freaking Watcher's Council now, Will! You don't think he gave this big issue of yours a second thought? I mean, yeah...Watcher's Council not quite the tragedy in tweed it once was, but still..." She shuddered.
Stammering for a second or two, Buffy continued, "Who knew they actually made tweed skirts? Was this something you wanted to know? I didn't need to know that..." She paused as if looking back on a dark, terrible memory.
Willow shook her head and turned to glance at Buffy, seeming mildly amused, even though the tears.
"So, yeah...we don't have a watcher for every girl now. Things aren't quite like they were back in the good ole days when they'd send out the one who'd presumably drawn the shortest straw, or pissed off the most people. Then the rest of the brain trust would sit on its collective ass and consider which scone was the yummiest."
"Point is though, Will. You can't blame yourself for every bad thing that happens. Bad things...they just seem to do that... Usually to good people or so I hear. Whatever this was...I'm guessing it was a bad slayer from how you've been acting. Not your fault. That is, unless you handed her the keys and a map," Buffy concluded firmly.
"They're all my fault, Buffy," Willow said with equal resolve.
"Bullshit, Will! Sorry..." Buffy breathed deeply and sat up before she continued, "Every single one of us sat in that room and convinced you to do that spell. If it's your fault...it's mine too... I recall being pretty big with the talkin'. You were pretty much wigged out over the whole idea. You did the spell, but if you wanna blame, blame me! I was the one callin' the shots," she finished in a loud voice, seeming almost furious as she stabbed at her own chest.
Willow seemed horrified.
Buffy breathed deeply. Calming herself, she gave the witch a soft smile. "Now, amnesia girl here wants some coffee, something to eat and a shower. Then I want shoes. It's a tradition...when the world goes to hell...we go shopping." She paused to consider Willow's expression. It was priceless. She'd snapped from shock to something else a just a bit too quickly. Is that amusement? I think I broke her, Buffy pondered as she asked, "You gonna drive or do I have to fire up Bernadine? I'm not in the best shape, but I'm totally up for the tryin'." She stood, pulling on her sweats and beginning to dress. "Ya comin'?"
Willow stood up, following Buffy out of the room almost mechanically. She took the hand that was offered to her as the Slayer stormed off out of the castle. Well at least she's feeling better, the witch considered. "Buffy, I need to go to Xander's," she said as they started down the drive.
"Oh...Kay..." Buffy turned to make her way by the stables. "Why's that?"
"I sorta moved out," Willow replied sheepishly.
Buffy stopped in the middle of the road. Feeling Willow tense, she pulled her gently into an embrace. "I'm so sorry, Will. Please don't be upset. I don't blame you for anything, sweetie. I know you were just doin' your best. And regardless what I find...what I remember...that won't change. I promise," she reflected in a comforting voice, stroking the witch's hair. "You do whatever you need to. If you wanna stay at Xander's, I'll manage."
"It wasn't about wanting to...it was about being scared," Willow whispered.
Buffy withdrew enough to look at the witch's face. Smiling softly, she asked, "Are you still scared?"
"Not so much, but...you're acting a bit...well, sorta strange, Buffy," Willow reflected, considering the look on the Slayer's face.
"Maybe...I dunno... It just sorta occurred to me. I could be totally miserable or I could just go on livin'. Figured the second thing sounded better. Might be the harder of the two, but...may be worth it..." Buffy let go of the witch, offering her a hand. "I'd like it if you came along."
Willow took the hand and felt Buffy return a gentle squeeze. They started down the drive together.