Thirteen Steps - 11 - Vanishing
by Valyssia
Just Like You Imagined
[reviews]
Description: Season 8 - Welcome to a therapy session gone totally wrong. Recovery is usually worse than the trauma...
Disclaimer: Buffy, Willow and all things Slayer belong to Joss Whedon and the good folks at Mutant Enemy.
Fankies: Miss Nightsong for being such an amusing beta reader.
Lyrics: Tool - Lateralus
Dedication: To Mabus
Firstly: For influencing my writing style. Mabus' plot work is some of the most intricate I've ever seen, certainly in this genre. He starts you puzzling and keeps you puzzling, feeding you details in careful bites. His work is fascinating to read, imaginative and cleverly detailed.
Secondly: For entertaining writing this piece with me as a collaborative effort set in his DeadWars AU. Sadly the project fell through. I retained the material I wrote for the piece frankly, because I loved it. Those scenes are the very early parts of Chapter 2 Were Horses. However, the initial Xander scene is a poor adaptation of a Mabus contribution.
Deciding to move forward with something that was a collaborative project is potentially risky. It can lead to bruised feelings. I thought the material valid enough to be worth the risk. Though, where I took it would have never happened under a joint pen. The plot bunnies possessed me I swear! I pulled away from Mabus' world to the greatest extent I could without compromising the story. Though, there are still minor details remaining that are purely Mabus.
I owe him a debt of gratitude for exposing me to his world and his talent. It is a real treat to read even it isn't Wiffy. If you folks are unfamiliar with Mabus' DeadWars, you are totally missing out.
Go read!!! @ www.buffyforums.net - Fan Fiction section - Feedback - Mabus - For a complete listing of his work.
Feedback: Yes...please...
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine drawn beyond the lines of reason. Push the envelope. Watch it bend. Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind. Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.
Buffy stood in the main room of her home, with her arms folded across her chest, appearing quite annoyed. Staring up at a larger than life view of Giles on the video display she asked, "What exactly does, 'light duty' mean Giles? I'm sorta on the team or not, right?"
"Quite right... For the time being, you will no longer be an active member of the Alpha Team. We will begin to reintegrate you as your memory returns," Giles replied, his manner forthright.
Buffy sighed, moving her hands to her hips. "Kay then...suit yourself. No big to me...I sorta needed the vacation." Giles responded with an almost kindly smile that made her instantly nervous. I've seen that look before...this is so not good.
"You seem to have mistaken me. This is no vacation. You'll be expected to report to the office of a therapist we've selected twice a week during your leave," Giles said firmly.
"You're sending me to a shrink!" Buffy spat. She balled her fists, giving him a furious stare.
Giles nodded. "It's for the best, Buffy."
"And if I refuse?" Buffy asked, folding her arms again appearing all the more defiant.
Giles face filled with sympathy. "Well, we cannot force you to do anything you don't wish to, but you need to understand, Buffy. There are obviously some long term effects of the things you've experienced. Why else would you react as you have? These things need to be addressed. Until they are, you could be a danger to all those around you."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "A shrink, Jesus, Giles... Don't we usually deal with this stuff on our own? You know help each other. Thought that's how we...well... I guess its how we used to do it."
"Yes, and you can see just how effective those methods have been. What can you tell me about last Tuesday?" Giles inquired, seeming frustrated.
"Nada... Alright...I'll think about it, but I'd better get a lollypop if I show up," Buffy grumbled, punctuating her aggravation with a deep sigh.
"I'll make note of it. Buffy, I can't stress enough how important this is. We need you fit and on active duty," Giles replied with a stern glare. "Oh, and if you would please inform Willow, we've found the mother."
Glowering with exasperation, Buffy dipped her chin in a slight nod, maintaining eye contact with the image of her former watcher. That's it, Giles, shove the duty thing under my nose. At least he didn't say 'sacred duty' this time. I'd have ta hit him. "Will do... Could you be a bit more cryptic, Giles? Not sure this whole secrety agent thing's workin' for ya. Maybe next time we should talk in code or somethin'. Might make it more fun." she retorted, her voice little more than a snarl.
"Shae's mother, Buffy," Giles said simply.
Buffy let out a deep breath she was unaware of holding. "Shae, who's that?" Seeming momentarily confused, she paused to ponder. "Oh...you mean Zay? Kay...I'll have Will get in touch," she quickly replied, having caught up.
"I'll send the schedule and therapist's contact information to you via email. And do try to be on time," Giles concluded, terminating the call.
Buffy huffed off out of the living room, hitting full stride at the garage. She keyed the door and backed Bernadine onto the driveway. "Did you know that Giles was gonna send me to a shrink, Will?" she queried, sounding irritated as she made her way back into the garage to get the water hose.
"Yes," Willow replied sheepishly, as she absently played with the puppies. "I went Monday, Buffy. It's not so bad."
"You went? Why didn't you tell me?" Buffy inquired, hooking up the hose to the outdoor tap.
Willow looked up from the game of tug of war she was playing. "Because I knew you'd wig. It's really no big. He's nice...and he works for the Council. Just talk...we can't be expected to do it all you know. I actually asked for help. You should try it sometime."
"Whatever... I don't like it," Buffy grumbled as she walked back into the house to get a pail of soapy water and a sponge.
Willow watched as Buffy returned, giving her a concerned glance. "You're not supposed to like it, but it helps. We can only be expected to do so much. There comes a point when you gotta ask for help. I did. I hoped you'd understand and join me."
"If he asks me about my mother it's gonna be one really short visit. Might even end badly," Buffy responded firmly.
"Don't worry, he won't. Besides, I'm not so sure you'd get very far with him. He's a pretty talented warlock. You'd be more likely to end up on your back wondering how the hell you got there. Might be fun to watch...can I go with?" Willow quipped, her detached expression transformed to a wry smirk as she spoke the last few words.
"No...you can't go with. I'm drawing the line at couples counseling. It'll never happen so..." Buffy growled, shooting Willow an annoyed glare, she sighed loudly enough that it sounded more like a hiss. I so don't wanna do this... Spotting the signs of obvious defeat, she turned on the hose and resisted the urge to douse the witch, pointing the stream of water at the motorcycle instead. "Oh...Giles said they found Zay's mother."
"Very cool... Well maybe not...but at least that puts us one step closer to fixing another problem," Willow replied in an encouraging tone. "When you get done with that could I get your help with something?"
"Sure...whatcha need?" Oh boy...my dad used to bitch about the honey-do's. I always wondered what he had against melons... Now I know. Last time she did this I ended up clearing all the briars from the front yard and helping her attach the vines to the trees...something about training them... Who knew you could train plants? Who knew you'd want to? I mean it's pretty and all, but... I think we need a gardener.
She's been keeping me busy since we got back here. Removing the vines from the deck was another fun filled afternoon. I'm so not cut out for this. Think my calluses are getting calluses. And the manicure I got last week? Total waste of time... Buffy started to soap down Bernadine as she awaited the bad news.
"We need to dig two holes around back. There's a delivery coming later today and well...the holes are sorta important," Willow said, looking slightly guilty.
"Oh...Kay... We building or planting?" Buffy continued to soap the Ducati down, appearing aloof. I knew it! My life sucks beyond the telling!
Willow got up to fetch one of the pups who'd lost interest in the game. "We're building a henge," she offered in a soft voice.
"A what?" Buffy peered over the motorcycle into the yard, awaiting an explanation.
"You've heard of Stonehenge, right?" Willow inquired, walking back to take a seat in the yard.
"Yes... And have you lost your mind?" Buffy remarked sarcastically.
Willow smiled. "Not yet...or so the doc assures me... I just want to put up a small set of standing stones in the side yard, Buffy. No big...seems to me when someone dies you put up a monument. Gravestones...well not so much, but a small henge...somehow appropriate. So I ordered some granite from a quarry," she reflected, gazing pensively down at her lap. "Xander and Shae said they'd help. They'll be down tonight."
"So how're we moving these 'small' slabs of granite," Buffy asked, appearing amused as she hosed Bernadine off. Well, at least that's not... unreasonable. But granite...I'm gonna end up in traction.
"Same way they did all the henges on this continent; magick." Willow paused, hoping the next part wouldn't hurt Buffy's feelings. She touched her lover's mind gently before speaking. "You'll work with Shae...and I'd like to work with Xander...if that's okay. I'm a bit worried for him, but he wants to be involved and I can't blame him, so... Now, help dig the holes if you're done, please."
"Okay by me. Let me grab an old towel and dry Bernie off first," Buffy said, returning to the garage. "I'll get the stands out and put her in the house when we're done."
"Okay...the shop called. The Interceptor will be finished tomorrow. The R1SP is there now. If we hurry, there's time," Willow offered, trying to entice the Slayer into moving. Amazing how well new toys work for that...
Buffy looked up from her task, appearing excited. "They got it?" She looked wistfully down at the aged Ducati and whispered, "Sorry Bernie...close enough...little lemon furniture polish and it'll be our secret..."
"Yes...we can pick it up whenever," Willow commented, a subtle amused smile played at her features as she spoke. I see where Dawnie gets it now. "Susan said she'd take the pups again while we're busy. Good of Xander to locate a sitter for us." She giggled as she watched Buffy put on work gloves and grab a shovel. Not like he had a choice...we went missing and he had the pups.
"Well, you plannin' on showin' me where...or should I just guess? Might be bad..." Buffy remarked, heading around the house with the shovel over her shoulder. There are just too many things wrong with this picture for me to count. I'm actually eager to do manual labor. Women are dangerous... Check. And...I'm far enough gone that I'm not only feeling sympathy for...but actually identifying with...my asshole father. Yup, I need a shrink. In the worst way, I need a shrink...don't want one, but... Oh, yeah...and another manicure...
***********
Buffy sat on the porch regarding the new arrival. It took us pretty much all afternoon to get out of that stupid motorcycle shop. You'd think they'd never seen a woman before. Some of them have to have wives and girlfriends. Anyway, they took one look at me and it was the same ole.
We waited for half an hour while they set the suspension up. Nice of 'em, but assuming that I'm as strong as I look...big mistake... Lots of things seem to make that one. The truly funny part was their obvious assumption that Willow had reserved the R1SP for her boyfriend. Not so much...but close...all 'cept the boy parts. Got to crush that concept...and of course they all went totally non-verbal. One of the many things that make this hobby so much more fun than collecting stamps...
"So, whatcha gonna name him?" Willow asked with interest.
"Him?" Buffy responded, turning to regard the witch.
"Him," Willow said firmly. "There's nothing 'her' about this one. It's way too aggressive to be feminine."
"Gabriel," Buffy replied pensively.
"Gabriel, as in the archangel...?" Willow inquired, getting up to walk around the motorcycle.
"That'd be the one," Buffy confirmed, an evil grin washed over her features.
Willow regarded the Slayer with faint curiosity. "Why?"
Buffy winked. "Ask the guy in second place that question once I get a few laps in on Gabriel."
"Plannin' on smiting 'em?" Willow inquired, in an amused voice.
"That, and Christopher Walken was just too much fun in that movie," Buffy remarked with a giggle.
"Well, you should put Gabriel to bed so he's not in the way when we start," Willow suggested, turning to look at the slabs of granite.
Buffy got up and put the key in the ignition, tossing a leg over the R1 she rode it into the garage. "Good night, Gabriel."
"We can start without them. What we're building is not a henge, really. Henges are a ring of stones, like Stonehenge. That was just the simplest way for me to describe it. The proper term for what we're doing is a megalith," Willow said taking a seat next to the granite slabs.
"But we're doing the doorway sorta thing, like Stonehenge?" Buffy asked, sitting in front of Willow.
Willow nodded. "Yeah...and that's why I put it that way. I wanted you to get the right picture. If I'd said megalith...well, it would've been all complicated to explain."
"Makes sense," Buffy responded in an offhanded manner, taking the witch's hands.
"So, what we need to do is make one thing fit the other. Best way I think is to sorta chisel at the stone and make a square post, square hole sorta joint. It's called dressing the stones, but whatever... I'll guide...you help," Willow instructed, beginning to focus on the top of the first rock.
They both watched as the granite turned to powder, leaving an even, square post after about thirty minutes.
Willow smiled softly. "Funny they think this stuff was all done by hand...much easier with magick. Now the one on the bottom...it looks pretty close in size to the one on top."
Once the top of the second pillar was carved Willow stood up and started into the house. "That's about all we can do. Let's go grab something quick to eat. They should be here pretty soon."
Buffy followed the witch into the house and watched as she prepared a quick snack for them. "Sorry I got upset earlier. Admitting I need help with anything...well, it's almost impossible for me," she said in a soft voice.
Willow turned to look at the Slayer. "I'm sorry I wasn't totally honest with you. Sorta surprised you didn't get really upset."
"Nah...sorta I knew you and Giles were right...just didn't like hearin' it. I mean, if things were all good, I'd remember, wouldn't I?" Buffy replied, staring pensively at the witch.
"I sorta envy you...that you don't. That doesn't make it good or right...just easier. And truth-be-told I could probably make you remember, but I'm not sure that'd be good either," Willow reflected as she mixed the tuna salad. She made up pita bread sandwiches for both of them and deposited a plate in front of Buffy, taking the seat next to her.
Buffy started to silently eat her lunch. Looking over at the witch, she added, "It wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't... Well, I'd rather you just make me remember. It scares me, but..."
Willow stopped eating and offered the Slayer a compassionate gaze. "What do you mean, Buffy?"
Buffy sighed loudly. "It's just that the last time I saw a shrink was when my parents found out I was the Slayer. I think it was more dad than mom, but it's just not something I wanna go through again. It scares me... It actually scares me more than you helping me."
Nodding slightly, Willow queried, "Wanna talk about it? I mean you don't have to, but...well... Would it help?"
"Dunno, Will...that's sorta a part of my life I'd like to just forget. Funny...that's what this is all about...the forgetting. Might almost be ironic..." Buffy sighed again and went back to eating her lunch.
"I'm sorry, Buffy." Willow took the Slayer's hand.
***********
Turning to flip on the jets, Buffy groaned. "Remind me next time you have a project...I wanna be elsewhere. Your projects are worse than the slaying."
Willow snickered. "You didn't think it was nifty?"
"Oh...it was definitely way cool...but I feel like I've been hit by a truck," Buffy replied, sinking up to her neck in the tub.
Leaning over Willow kissed the Slayer's cheek. "Thank you."
Buffy put her arm around the witch and pulled her up close. Sitting silently, she began to consider the events of the past months. It's crazy that the people I love see me as a danger. I don't feel any different than I did before the change, but... No humanity loss...big part of being human is how people treat you. That's definitely changed. My friends are acting like I might be a bomb...even Will. Only one who really doesn't is Zay...or Shae...or whatever... Hell...I don't even know her...not really, at least. "Will, I wanna put the genie back in the bottle," she whispered.
Willow snapped out of her reverie, staring up at the Slayer she gasped, "Huh?"
"I wanna put it back," Buffy repeated, in a soft, brooding voice.
Appearing confused, Willow cupped the Slayer's cheek in her hand, turning her head to make eye contact. "Explain...please," she whispered.
"Put me back the way I was. All this crazy is 'cause I'm something different. If I wasn't...things would simple up so much. I'm scaring my friends, scaring my lover and scaring myself... Put me back, please," Buffy pleaded, starting to weep.
Willow sat up, cradling the Slayer in her arms; she started to stroke her hair. "Buffy I'm not sure I can. I'll look at it...I promise, but no guarantees. I'm afraid I might hurt you," she whispered in a patient, soothing voice.
"You can, Will...and I need it. Make me like I was," Buffy begged. Her body shook as she strained to control herself. Breathing deeply, she continued, "Wills...you've got to do this for me. I can't... I know you were trying to protect me, I just can't."
"I'll try, but I need time," Willow replied. Reaching out, she tried to soothe the Slayer. This had grown harder over the past month. Buffy had learned to block her. Sometimes it seemed instinctive, others intentional. Either way it worried the hell out of the witch. She was losing the control she needed to make the Slayer safe. The part that troubled her more was the feeling they were drifting apart. Through all this she knew one thing, losing Buffy would kill her. "Did I do something wrong?" she finally asked, the subtle tone of the question reflecting pain and uncertainty.
The intonation of Willow's voice caused Buffy to sober slightly. She gazed up at the hurt look on her lovers face. "What? No, Wills... If anyone's been wrong, it's me."
"I just don't understand, Buffy. It's like you've been pushing me away. ...And it's not about the crazy. I mean things have been really bad lately, but it was before that."
Buffy sat up and turned off the jets, pulling the lever to drain the tub, she offered, "Will, let's get ready for bed. I'll tell you everything...I promise. I just need a few minutes to think." She stood up and took a towel, wrapping it around her head, then another to wrap around her body. Exiting the bathroom, she flopped onto the bed and started to rub her temples. God...I've really managed to totally screw things up. She lay with her eyes closed, listening to the witch as she dressed for bed.
Willow placed a clean nightgown next to the Slayer and got under the covers. "Come to bed Buffy. We can talk about this in the morning," she whispered as she reached to turn out the light on her bedside table.
Buffy got up, removing the towel from her head; she massaged it over her damp hair. She pulled the towel off her body and finished drying herself, putting on the flannel gown. Returning to the bathroom, she quickly brushed her hair and blew it dry. Walking back into the bedroom, she focused her attention on the witch. Her breathing was metered and slow and her body relaxed. Great...blew it again...she's asleep.
Calming herself, Buffy lay down, pulling the covers up over her body. She drew her forearm up over her eyes and began to whisper, hoping that admitting how she felt, even if Willow was asleep, would give her the peace of mind she needed to get some rest.
"It's funny, Wills...I know you're not really hearing me, but maybe part of you is. All these people...well, some of them not so much people...preached that this whole thing's about power... It is, but it isn't... Not really. It's actually about control. You can have all the power in the world, but if you lack the control to use it...ya got nuthin'..." She sighed deeply, reaching over to caress the witch's back.
"Givin' that up...even to someone as important and incredible as you... Well...it bothered me. I wish I could tell you it didn't, but I can't lie to you. Part of me accepted what you said and went on. Another part resisted it... I was totally torn...I wanted to..." A tear slipped down her cheek and she worked to steady herself.
"Then...well...the bad... We always seem to find the worst of everything. Nuthin' simple...nuthin' small... It just has to be the most evil thing that fate can give us. I can't go through...I just can't see another shrink. I know I sorta said I would, but... I hope you'll forgive me...I just won't. I'd rather run...leave it all behind and bail like a coward. I can't do it again."
"You can't imagine what it was like, Will. I'd just lost everything. I mean my whole life. All my friends...no one would talk to me. I was a freak. Then my parents had me committed, supposedly to help me. I was diagnosed borderline schizophrenic, with severe depression. They were right about the second part, but... Yeah...go figure... Chosen One." Buffy let out another deep sigh and began to rub her temples.
"There's just no way... That's one movie I'd rather die than repeat. Of course, you know about the whole worst case thing. Well, the worst case in this case was a medication reaction. At least I guess that's what it was. Anyway...they medicated me...and I went from being depressed...which is not good, but I could deal...to feeling lots of anxiety and paranoia. They tied me to a bed 'cause I wanted to kill anything that came near me. Good times..." She snickered wryly to herself.
"Mom was the one who saw I was getting worse. Dad just wanted me gone. She finally signed me out and brought me home, not realizing that she had reason to be scared of me. She didn't buy the whole slayer thing until Sunnydale. Took me a week or two to get back to as normal...well...I guess as normal as I could be. My parents broke up right after that. They fought like hell while I was freaking out. It was all about me... Dad wanted to take me back to the hospital, mom refused and to make matters more fun, I was climbin' the walls."
"So yeah...much with the crazy...more with the loss of control... Suppose I'm a control freak, but I won't... I won't let anyone else play games with my head. This shrink thing...not gonna happen. I trust you more. Lock me in a cage if you wanna. Whatever it takes...shut me down...take it all if you need. I'd rather be totally normal and take my chances than..." Buffy curled up against Willow's back, pulling her into a tight hug. "I know I need help, but I just can't. I'm so sorry, Will." she whispered.
Willow opened her eyes, looking at herself in her dresser mirror. Wow, was all she could think.