Somewhere I Have Never Travelled; Book One
by Kirayoshi
Strength of Will
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Chapter 3
Strength of Will
"Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are -
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
--Albert Lord Tennyson
I ran until my lungs threatened to burst. I ran until my legs were ready to collapse. It still wasn't enough.
I was running away from my friends, my past, myself. And I knew that I couldn't run from them forever. Sooner or later, they all would find me.
I could deal with my friends. Even with my past. But myself...
That voice was always there. Condemning me, damning me for what I had done. I had never shared that shame before, I couldn't. If the other Scoobs knew what I had done, how I had betrayed Buffy...
As I stopped to rest, I looked around to see where I was; the middle of Whetherly Park, once the prime trolling ground for Sunnydale's vamps, now as safe as any park in America. I noticed the swing-set where I had played many times before, as a kid, with Xander pushing me, and later, in high school, with Buffy, just sitting in the swing next to me. We would talk about everything and nothing, and not care whether we resolved any issues, had made any decisions, or had changed our lives in any way. Just to be together, best friend to best friend.
And that was years before we fell in love. No, I take that back. Years before we realized that we were always in love with each other.
And I killed her.
I just sat on the swing, the one on the left side, the one where I always sat. I kept looking at the other swing, the one where Buffy always sat, expecting to see her there, but knowing that she was never coming back. I couldn't think, I couldn't cry, I couldn't breath. I found myself hoping that this was it. My death, to make up for hers.
"Hey, Wills," a familiar voice greeted me. Damn, still among the living.
I didn't say anything as Xander sat in Buffy's old swing.
"Gotta say, Wills," he continued, "not liking the fatalistic attitude."
"Gotta say, Xand," I answered, tonelessly, "not giving a rat's ass."
Xander looked at me, I could feel his eyes on me, I could feel his warmth, his caring, his generosity of soul. I knew that if he knew what I had done, he'd forgive me on the spot.
I didn't want him to forgive me. I didn't deserve it.
"This is the part where I ask if you want to talk about it," he quipped, "and you say you'd rather be alone. But that ain't gonna happen. Because I don't think it would be good to leave you alone."
"Thanks, Xander," I tried to put a happy face on, knowing that he wouldn't buy it, "but I'll be fine. I'll apologize to Giles in the morning."
"What about Sandra?" he asked. "You think you should apologize to her?"
"Why?" I turned to Xander, not caring if my facade of well being was fading. "I was just telling her the truth. She's caught in a dead-end career, literally, and if she doesn't get out, she'll end up like Buffy."
Xander appraised me, the sadness and caring in his eyes touching me like a searchlight. Seeing into my soul. I wanted to get away, but I was to tired. He finally said, sadly, "You still haven't mourned for her, have you?"
"I've been mourning for her every day this last year, and will mourn her for the rest of my life," I exclaimed. "Don't you talk to me about mourning."
"Well," Xander huffed, getting out of his swing and facing me, his voice approaching a shout. "That's pretty damn selfish of you." I pulled away as he said it, not believing what I heard. "You think you have the monopoly on mourning Buffy, just because you two shared orgasm privileges?"
My hand flew hard onto Xander's face before I knew what I was doing. I felt my hand ball itself into a fist, I heard the smack, felt the sting of his cheek on my knuckles, then it registered; I had hit my childhood friend. Hard.
He just looked back at me, and half-smiled, through a red swell that was soon to become a livid bruise. "Okay, I was out of line. But you're not the only one who misses her. Hell, I miss her every day. Not a day goes by when I don't think about her, expect her to tell me to shut up after I tell an awful pun, or give me her regular pep talk when things get rough for me. But I've let go of the pain, I got through it. And if you think that you're being fair to Buffy by keeping your pain alive, then here's a hot news flash for you; you're not."
I sat there, not believing what I had done. I just rocked gently on the swing as he stood before me, wanting to help, wanting to shout, wanting to slug me if that was what it took. The dam had to burst. I couldn't shore it up anymore.
"I--I killed her, Xander," I said, as the tears fell unchecked. I sobbed openly, as Xander scooped me up in his arms, holding me in a bear hug, assuring me, "No, Willow, no you didn't. If you're gonna blame someone, blame Oz. He's the one who pushed her into the Hellmouth."
"And I'm the--I'm the one," I continued between sobs, "who convinced her--that Oz--Oz was okay--that we could trust him--" I couldn't continue, I just let the sobs take over.
Xander pulled me away slightly, saying, "Look at me, Willow. She knew. She knew there was something wrong with him. Her spider-sense was ringing hard when he came back. She didn't know about his connection to Adam, but she knew that the wolf had taken over. That he had turned evil." I couldn't believe my ears. What Xander was saying made no sense. But the passion in his voice convinced me that what he was saying was God's truth.
"But why would she let him back in the Scooby Gang?" I asked, managing to control my crying a little.
"Because she wanted to keep an eye on him. You know what they say, Wills. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. She was too busy worrying about Adam and the Initiative, she didn't want a loose werewolf to bite us all in the ass--so to speak," he added when he realized his unintentional pun.
"But why didn't she tell me?" I asked.
Xander looked at me again, sadness in his eyes, and said, "I don't know, Willow. Maybe she thought that if you knew too much, Oz would get wise. She was fighting a war on too many fronts. I guess Oz was one front too many. And you had nothing to do with it. You didn't turn him evil, his curse did. He stopped fighting it, and just gave in. He embraced his evil side."
"'And once you start down that dark path'," I finished, in my worst Yoda impersonation, "'Forever will it dominate your destiny'." I started to giggle, which brought around a fit of giggles from Xander.
"Yeah, something like that," he gulped. We stood there, he comforting me, me allowing myself to be comforted. Goddess, it felt good to unload.
"You're the first person I've told this," I said to him.
"I guessed as much," he murmured. "You've been carrying it around for far too long. You needed to unburden, and I'm glad I was there. Now you can go on."
"How, Xander?" I asked as a new wave of tears threatened to take over. "I can't remember a time when I didn't love Buffy."
"So don't stop loving her," Xander said. "Just stop blaming yourself. She saved our lives more often than we've eaten in restaurants, you know that? Stay alive. Remember her. Hey, why do you think I became a cop? Because Buffy showed me that there's something worth fighting for. Because she did what she did, and we were there to help her. Now I'm doing the same thing. Helping others. That's what matters."
Helping others. Just like what I had said to her once. Shortly before we graduated from high school. That's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.
"God, I feel like a selfish bitch," I laughed, mostly at myself.
He just held me, let me cry it out, until the maelstrom passed again. For the first time in nearly a year, I actually was able to smile, and mean it.
"Thanks, Xander. I really needed this."
"Any time, kiddo. You want me to walk you home?"
"Can you walk me to Giles' first?" I asked. "I owe a few people some major apologies."
"No problem," he answered as he gave me his arm. "I told him and the others to hang tough until I got back." I smiled at him. Always thinking of the basic stuff, while Buffy handled the slaying and Tara and I dealt with the magic. Same ol' Xander.
"You know what happened to me today, when I was first given my badge?" I just looked at him as he spoke. "Mom and Dad were there at the ceremony. After I was given the badge, Dad came up to me, shook my hand and said, 'You done good. I'm proud of you.' Just like that."
"Your dad said that?" I was surprised. I knew that Xander and his parents rarely spoke to each other.
"Yeah, just like that," he answered, and I could tell that this new, tenuous bond between Xander and his dad had affected him profoundly. "I took this job because of Buffy, and now my dad's proud of me. How do you like that? One year after she dies, and she's still looking out for us."
I smiled more broadly, warmed by the thought. Buffy, perched on a cloud, looking after her friends still on Earth. I started to think that no just and benevolent God or Goddess would leave Buffy's soul in Hell, even if that's were she landed at first. It made me feel good to think of Buffy watching over me. I looked up at the sky, and imagined seeing Buffy's face among the stars. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't dreading waking up in the morning.
I thought that I could finally get on with my life. Thanks, Xander. Thanks, Buffy.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Xander and I walked slowly back to Giles. I was reveling in the sense of peace that had suffused me. I hadn't felt like this since losing Buffy. I really began to think that things would work out for me.
We started playing 'Slug-Bug', seeing who could spot the most VW Beetles. I threw Xander off by announcing "Y2K Bug", when I saw one of those new Beetles. We had a spirited debate whether that counted, or whether the newer cars should be included with the older models. Slug-Bug was something that Xander and I did as kids, and playing it again with him brought up so many good memories.
As we made sight of Giles' townhouse, we noticed a car that we didn't recognize in the driveway. When we got closer, I read the license plate; "QUEEN C2".
"Oh my dear lord", the rookie cop standing next to me whispered. We knew only one person who used that license plate. Xander shuddered. "Cordy?"
I hesitantly knocked at the door, and Giles answered. "Willow," he greeted me. "You and Xander had better come in." He ushered us inside rather brusquely. As I entered his living room, I noticed Cordelia sitting with the others, and Joyce sitting next to her.
Standing behind the couch, tall and stoic as I remember him, was Angel.
Angel and Buffy hadn't parted on the best of terms. Shortly after Buffy and I first became lovers, Faith had switched bodies with Buffy, and tried to take over her life(a situation that still made my skin crawl at the thought of it; I had made passionate love with Buffy, only to find out it was with Faith! I had to live in the shower for a week!). Shortly after getting her body back, Buffy tracked Faith to LA, only to find that Angel had been protecting her. Faith had manipulated Angel into giving her sanctuary, and by the time her deception had been discovered, the damage had been done. Buffy looked at Angel, her first love, and saw only an enemy. Shortly after that was the final battle with Adam, and I don't remember seeing Angel at her grave since then. And now he was here, with Cordy and Joyce.
Buffy once said that there were two things that she didn't believe in; coincidences and leprechauns. After seeing Cordy, Angel and Joyce waiting for me at Giles', I decided right then and there that I was never going to Ireland. No telling who or what I would find there.
"Hello, Xander," I heard Cordy greet her old boyfriend. "It's good to see you."
"Likewise, C," Xander answered, and I didn't feel any pretense in his civility. His voice was warm, his greeting genuine.
"Hello, Willow," Angel greeted me. "It's been a long time."
"Too long," I said. Whatever Buffy thought of him, I still had a soft spot for our favorite Vampire-with-a-soul. I went to where he was standing and hugged him. I turned again to Giles, and said, "I just wanted to apologize for wigging out back then. I didn't mean any of it..."
"I understand, Willow," Giles answered. "But that may be academic, if what Angel has told us is correct."
"Angel picked me up when he first got into town," Joyce explained to me. "He just told us why he's here." She stood up and looked directly into my eyes. I could see recent tears on her cheeks, but her eyes carried a glow of desperate hope. "She's alive, Willow," she whispered. "Buffy's alive!"
"Wha--" I could barely speak as I heard what Joyce was saying. "How--" A thousand thoughts and emotions collided within me. I felt my knees shake, threaten to give way. Angel sensed this, and directed me to the first available chair, which Cordy had promptly vacated. "How can that be?" I finally asked. "I saw her. I saw her die."
"No you didn't," explained Angel. "You saw her fall into the Hellmouth, but she was alive then. If my sources are right, and I have to believe they are, then she's still alive, trapped in the Hellmouth."
I was stunned. At first, I couldn't absorb this information at once. Buffy alive. Buffy in Hell. I heard myself whisper hoarsely at Angel, "So help me, if you're jerking my chain about this, I will kill you."
"He's telling the truth," Cordelia rose to his defense. "I saw her. You know that I became a seer after Doyle died. I saw her in the Hellmouth, just the other day. She was frozen, not moving, but don't ask me how, I got the feeling that she was still alive." She spoke haltingly, as though her experience as a seer disturbed her. She had told me that she didn't enjoy being a seer, but it had come in handy for her and Angel in the past.
"Her vision had been so strong," Angel continued, "that I had to consult the Oracles. Normally they're not exactly forthcoming with that kind of information, but they're exact words told me what I needed to know; 'The living is among the dead, the Chosen One must return'. I have to believe that they're talking about Buffy."
I turned to Angel, and looked back around the room. We were all trying to digest this news. The others had heard it from Angel moments before I got back, but to Xander and myself, it was new. Xander's jaw was unhinged, and just hung there. I guess that mine was the same way. "I need to be sure about this, Angel. Can you be certain? I mean 100 percent, absolutely, hand over heart certain that this is what the Oracles meant?"
"As certain as I can be about anything they say," Angel replied. "They're notorious for withholding information, unless it suits their purpose to tell, or if it's urgent enough. And if the Oracles are telling me that Buffy has to be rescued, then I believe them." He held out his hand to me, saying, "I need you, Willow. You and Giles are the only people I can trust to find whatever spell or ritual or whatever it will take to bring her back."
"What about Wesley?" I asked. "Isn't he on your payroll nowadays?"
"Wesley's good, but I need him to hold the fort back in LA," he answered. "Especially with Wolfram and Hart still giving me grief. I need you. Will you help me?"
I looked at him, trying to determine from his expression whether he was leveling with me. I finally decided that he wasn't kidding. He'd never do that to me anyway. Especially about Buffy.
I took his hand in mine and said, "Like you even need to ask." I looked at the assembled Scoobs and others around the room and said three words, which were greeted by loud agreement;
"Let's get Buffy!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Over the next week, I dove into every search engine, every web surfer, every resource I could find to look for the key to the Hellmouth. Giles buried himself in his ancient texts, aided by Denise. The others did what they could to help; Xander and Sandra patrolled the town in their roles as cop and slayer, respectively. Tara reminded me to eat at least once a day. Cordy, Angel and Joyce provided whatever support they could. It felt for a while like the old Scooby Gang, like time passed backward to some day of great glory, when we were younger, when we felt invincible. Save the world, then party. That was us, the Scooby Gang, the Class Protectors, and we were back.
It was Tara that gave me the crucial clue; the source of the spell that we used to close the Hellmouth in the first place. I tore through that codex, rereading each passage until my eyes grew blurry from either the ancient script or the eye-screwing Celtic spirals on every page.
Finally, the book surrendered its secrets to me. I found what was called The Ritual of Restoration. I read and reread the passages until I committed them to memory, and then assembled the extended Scooby Gang at Giles' place to outline the Ritual;
"Okay, gang," I started. "According to the Cildargen Codex, the Ritual of Restoration will allow us to bring a soul wrongly imprisoned in Hell to its rightful place. Since it doesn't specify Heaven, I'm assuming that it will allow us to bring Buffy back. I'll explain the ritual first, then I'll field your questions.
"The ritual can take place only four times a year, on the first full moon following either the Spring or Fall Equinox, or the Winter or Summer Solstice. Fortunately, the Summer Solstice was last week, and the first full moon following it is in four days. The spell requires two witches or mages to open the portal to Hell. Tara, will you help me?"
"You got it," she answered.
"Thanks, Tara. Now, the rest of you, Tara and I will be drawing on your psychic energies during the casting of the spell. I need you at that time to concentrate on Buffy, on her well being, on any characteristic, fond memory, whatever. It has to be positive, the spell can only occur in a spirit of love and friendship. Are we on the same page?" The others nodded. I looked at Denise and Sandra, who were there with us. "I'm not sure about the two of you, since you never knew Buffy personally."
"That is true," Denise answered. "But we had always admired her, and if we can help her, we'd be glad to."
"Glad to have you on our side," I thanked them. "Now, once the portal is opened, the ritual calls for three of us to enter the portal, and retrieve Buffy. Preferably three who are especially close to her. I don't think I gotta tell you that I'm going in." I noticed Joyce starting to raise her hand, but I stopped her. "Sorry, Joyce, but only experienced Scoobs need apply. I'll need you topside to keep the portal open."
"I'll go with you," volunteered Angel. "I've been there, I know the terrain."
"Thanks, Angel," I smiled at him.
"I'm not gonna be outdone by Deadboy, here," Xander announced. "Count me in, too," I could hear him add under his breath, "Did I just say that?"
"You sure, Xand?" I asked. "This ain't just a grocery run to the Twenty Four Seven."
Xander turned around, answering, "Uh, yeah, I guess. After what Buffy's done for us, it's the least I could do. Besides, after a patrol of Hell, walking a beat will be no problem." I noticed Cordelia smiling warmly at Xander, and Xander took her hand in his own. I started to wonder what was going on between them.
I continued. "Okay, we have our posse. Now, once we're in, we need the rest of you to keep thinking good thoughts about Buffy. This will be like a candle in the window. It'll be our beacon to find our way out of Hell again."
"One question, Willow," Joyce raised her hand tentatively. "How will you find Buffy once you're in?" The others looked at her, clearly wondering the same thing. "I mean, you'll be passing through Hell, searching untold billions of souls for one soul. Can anyone else say 'needle in a haystack'?"
"Good point, Joyce," I said. "But you can always use an electro-magnet to pull the needle out of the haystack."
"Too bad we don't have a Buffy Magnet," quipped Cordy.
"But we do," I answered simply. I started to finger the Mizpah coin that I still wore around my neck. "Me. That's why I gotta go in. The key passages of the Ritual clearly state that only a soulmate can find the lost soul. Once we're in, according to the Codex, I must concentrate on Buffy. Once I empty my mind of all thought except for her, I'll get a clear sense of where she is. Once we find her, we'll send our thoughts out to you, and the portal will open again. That's why we need two mages. One on each side of the portal to keep it from closing for good once we're in."
I had finished explaining my plan, and awaited the questions. There were a few, but mostly they understood the plan. "Guys, I won't lie to you," I finished. "This is gonna get hairy. I'm talking serious world-threat level danger. If we don't pull this off, the Hellmouth may take all our souls, or split wide open."
"Wills," Xander commented, "I'd forget about your brilliant future in advertising."
"Like I said," I continued, ignoring Xander's jibe, "This isn't an easy or safe route. But it's the only way to save Buffy, and if Angel's right, we're gonna need her soon. This is entirely voluntary. You want out, there's the door, I won't think any less of you. Anyone want out now?"
Everyone shook their heads, or looked around. Finally Giles said simply, "I think I speak for all of us when I say, we're behind you all the way. For Buffy."
The others murmured, "For Buffy."
My heart was lightened by their instant agreement. I should have known better; they wouldn't back out now or ever, not if they could save Buffy.
"Okay, gang, four days from now," I finished. "Angel, Xander, I guess we're going to Hell."