Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
by Kirayoshi
A Half-an-hour in Heaven
[reviews]
Chapter five
A Half-an-Hour in Heaven
"May you be a half-an-hour in Heaven,
Before the Devil knows you're dead."
--traditional Irish toast
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"Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much
Of this life,
Well hang on.
Everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no.
Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone,
No, no, no,
You are not alone."
--REM
"Everybody Hurts"
Dawn was vaguely aware of Giles' arms around her as she watched the scene unfold; her sister Buffy lying on the ground, Xander performing mouth-to-mouth, Willow pressing down on her chest, frantically trying to start her heart, Tara and Anya watching silently, offering whatever prayers they could. Dawn felt the darkness closing in on her like an oppressive force. Her sister, the last true family she had, was dying, and there was nothing she could do about it.
"Come on, Buffy!" Willow shouted at the still form of her friend as she started to pound on her chest. "Don't you do this to me! Don't leave me, Buffy!"
"You heard her," Xander whispered between breaths, "don't let us down, Buff. I promised Willow you were gonna be okay. Don't make a liar out of me. C'mon, Buffy, breath! Breath, dammit, breath!"
And Xander and Willow continued to resuscitate Buffy...
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"Ah, here she is," someone called from a shaded glen as Buffy strolled along with her mother, while Faith and Ben tagged along behind them. "Buffy, over here!" A hand waved to Buffy, beckoning to her.
"Oh my God," Buffy laughed as she saw who was flagging her down. "Jenny?"
"In person," Jenny Calendar ran up to the Slayer and wrapped her arms around her. "Oh, Buffy, it's so good to see you."
"Same here, Miss Calendar." Buffy murmured.
"We heard that you would be visiting, so we all came to meet you."
"All?" Buffy asked. Jenny waved her arm to her side, showing the others who were with her. Jesse and Kendra were standing beside a small waterfall, while an oddly dressed older man strode toward Buffy and her mother, a too-wide smile splitting his weathered face in half.
"Hello, Merrick," Joyce greeted the gentleman.
"Merrick?" Buffy blinked as she recognized her first Watcher. The man who first revealed her fate to her, her destiny to fight the forces of darkness within the world. "Wow." She appraised the older man, recalling his shabby appearance; she remembered calling him a 'homeless' when she first saw him a lifetime ago at Hemery High School. Now he stood before her, clean-shaven, his unruly hair tied in a short ponytail, his gray pants and blue shirt clean and well tailored. "Wow," she repeated. "You clean up real nice."
Merrick gave Buffy a fatherly smile. "Still a pain in the ass, eh?" He opened his arms, and Buffy rushed to embrace him. She started to cry again, remembering how her first great opponent, Lothos, had killed him. "Oh Merrick," she wailed. "I'm so sorry."
"Now what have you done to be sorry about, child?" Merrick asked warmly.
"I-I wasn't g-good enough to stop Lothos," she stammered, cursing herself for not being able to control her voice. "He killed you because I couldn't take him down soon enough." She pulled herself away from Merrick, and stared at the others around her. "I'm so sorry, all of you."
"Do not beat yourself up with guilt, friend," Kendra admonished her gently, her familiar Jamaican accent flavoring her words. "You did all that you could. No one expects more than that."
"That's just it, Kendra," Buffy argued, her grief and guilt surfacing after so long. "I should expect more of myself. If I hadn't taken Dru when I had the chance..." She glanced back at Jenny, "or if I hadn't let myself fall for Angel." She turned toward Faith; "...or if I had noticed you instead of writing you off when you needed me..." She faced Jesse; "...or if I had been fast enough to stop Darla..."
"Was she always like this, Mrs. S?" Faith casually asked Joyce.
"Hey," Joyce chuckled. "I'm just wondering how she's going to blame herself for my tumor." She took her daughter's hand, leading her to the waterfall.
Buffy was overwhelmed by the sense of peace that she felt; the sweet scents of mingled jasmine and sandalwood in the air, the cool spray produced by the waterfall, the warmth of the sun on her face, the presence of her mother. All these combined to sooth her soul, to bring her to a place of completion that she had never felt, not since she had first become the Slayer. "It's so beautiful here, Mom," Buffy spoke in tones of pure awe. "And being here with you again-- oh, Mom, I don't want to leave here."
"I feel the same way, honey," her mother replied. "But your time's not up yet. You'll have to go back to the world of the living soon. You were brought here for now, because you needed closure." Joyce bade her sit down beside the stream. As Buffy sat, Joyce spoke in loving tones; "I remember when we first moved to Sunnydale, Buffy. Remember what I said to you on the first day of school?"
"Yeah," Buffy smirked ruefully; "Try not to blow up the school. Too bad it didn't work that way."
"Hey, if I knew there was a Hellmouth there, I'd have taken the other job offer in San Francisco, for what was the name of that company," she snapped her fingers as she recalled it; "Bucklands. I know, I don't fully understand what you went through as a Slayer, but I do know that there are things that you simply can't control. The Hellmouth, my tumor, what someone else will do when given the opportunity."
"So you're saying that everything's just blind chance, Mom?" Buffy asked.
"Not everything, just certain things." Joyce sat next to Buffy, beside the stream, and ran her hands through the waters. "Yes, there are things that no one can control, and no, it isn't fair. But what you can control is how you deal with the curves that life throws at you."
"Yeah, it's like my mom used to say to me," Jesse offered. "Your life's a story, co-authored by your own free will and God's grace."
"Yeah, I guess," Buffy held her head low, not wanting anyone to see the tears that threatened to overtake her again. She absently recalled the lyrics to an Eric Clapton song Giles had played during a memorial service that the Scoobies had arranged for her mother; "And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven." Looks like Clapton got it wrong, Buffy thought as her guilt betrayed her yet again.
"Jesse speaks true," Kendra knelt beside her fellow Slayer. "Look at me. I was a Slayer like you, but not like you. You took one path, you rebelled against the Council, you went your own way, you allowed your friends to share in your hardships and in your rewards. Me, I followed my Watcher blindly, I jumped when he told me to jump, I shut myself off from all human contact. And you're the one who outlived me. What does that tell you about my choices?"
"No, Kendra," Buffy raised her head at the woman's words. "You can't blame yourself for what happened."
"I don't blame myself, I simply state that we have control of our lives before that final moment," Kendra smiled, something Buffy couldn't remember ever seeing before. "But by the same token you cannot be allowed to take responsibility for that which you could not control. Heh, maybe if I took you up on your offer to buy me a stuffed animal, I would have loosened up.
"You did not kill me. Drusilla did. And to answer your next question, would she have killed me if you had not made love to Angelus? I do not know. Neither do you. Nor does anyone else. So your self-recrimination is at best a futile exercise. I do not blame you, so do not blame yourself."
"You have done nothing to be guilty over, Buffy," Merrick added. "On the contrary, you have acquitted yourself admirably. When the Council and their Watchers speak of you in the future, they would be fools not to declare you the best of your kind. You have accomplished more than any three Slayers before you. Yet, and this is what puzzles me, you only remember your perceived mistakes."
"Yeah," Faith took her turn, "what the Lone Gunman here said. You can't keep beating yourself over the head about everything that happens around you. You didn't turn me bad, I did that all by my lonesome. But even the PTB think there's hope for me, that's why I scored Purgatory instead of Hell when I died."
"Huh, but I must have missed something," Buffy commented. "Aren't Purgatory and Hell the same thing?"
"Not quite," Ben answered. "Purgatory exists somewhere between Hell and Heaven. Faith has sinned, she has erred, and she died without fully atoning for her misdeeds. But she desired atonement, she repented. In fact, her last thought was that she hoped her death would atone for her past."
"Hey, a new Slayer gets called, she can take over the gig, and you get a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card," Faith added.
"Atonement doesn't work quite that way," said Ben. "Faith has the desire to make up for her past, but that desire is not enough. While in Purgatory, she will serve the Powers, slowly sponging away her record. After a few centuries, I'm sure there will be a place for her in Heaven."
Buffy stared hard at Faith. "A few centuries? Whoa, harsh."
"Hey," Faith grinned broadly. "We're talking eternity here, B. Cake!"
Joyce then took Buffy's head in her hands, and brought her face to look directly at her. "As for you, Buffy, you're only fault has been to allow your grief to consume you. Heh, I used to think you were irresponsible, before I found out you were the Slayer. If anything, you're too responsible. Someone else hurts, you feel the pain."
"I know, Mom," Buffy felt another tide of tears forming in her eyes. "But what else can I do?"
Jenny laughed lightly and sat at Buffy's side. "For starters, don't go it alone. You have friends, Buffy. Willow, Xander, Tara, Giles. These people would give up anything for you."
Faith nodded at Jenny's statement. "She's right, B. Right now, Red's busting a gut trying to start your heart, while X-Man's busy breathing into your lungs. You're not gonna let them down now, are you?"
Buffy sat silently, hearing the words that her loved ones said to her. They were right, she realized that. But she still felt the shame, the self-loathing she felt when she learned that her love had cost Angel his soul, that her inattentiveness forced Faith to turn to evil, that her failure to kill Spike sooner had led to Dawn nearly being sacrificed to Glory. As uncalled for as her blame was, she still felt it.
She felt her mother's hand on her arm again, and heard her voice. "They need you, Buffy," she said. "Dawn, Willow, Xander. They're your family, as much as I am. They need you to be there for them, and they also need you to let them be there for you. Don't go it alone, Buffy. Not when you don't have to. They need you, not as the Slayer, but as Buffy."
The young blonde woman took a deep, ragged breath in a desperate attempt to dam the rising flood of tears. "I don't even know who Buffy is anymore," she lamented. "I've been the Slayer for so long, I don't know if I can be Buffy again." She regarded her mother with a questing gaze, as she voiced her deepest insecurities, her gravest fears, for perhaps the first time in her life; "Can I still be Buffy, even after all I've seen? Can I do my duty as the Slayer, get my diploma, get a job and look after Dawn? You really think I can do all that?"
Joyce embraced Buffy once more, letting the contact between them calm her daughter's worries, and projecting all of her love into Buffy's heart. "Let me tell you something my grandmother once told me," she whispered, her deepest heart speaking to Buffy's heart. "God has measured all of creation. He knows the height of the highest mountains, He knows the depth of the deepest oceans, He knows the distance to the farthest stars. And He knows the width and breadth of your back." She backed away slightly, and cupped Buffy's cheek in her hand. "And He would never give you a burden that he knew you could not carry. I know you, Buffy Summers, and I believe in you."
Ben stood behind Buffy, and placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's nearly time, Buffy," he said simply.
Buffy nodded and stood up. She looked at the others, committing each face, every element of her surroundings, to her memory. "I won't forget all this when I get back, will I?"
"You will remember what you wish to remember," Merrick promised her. He embraced her once more in a generous bear hug.
"I'll do you proud, Merrick," Buffy assured her first Watcher.
"Just live as hard and as well as you can, Buffy," Merrick smiled, "and you will indeed do me proud."
As Buffy pulled away from Merrick, Kendra shook her hand. "When your time does come, and may it be a long way in the future, we will meet with the Slayers who have passed on before us. Stories will be told of great deeds. And your stories, I do not doubt, will be the greatest."
"Yeah," Faith added, "We'll knock back a few beers together, or whatever they drink up here, talk about old times. It'll be a blast."
"I look forward to it," Buffy chuckled.
Jesse stepped forward to say his farewells to the Slayer. "Stay well, Buffy. I know I'll see you here again, but I'm in no hurry." He winked slyly at her, and added; "And take care of Willow for me."
Buffy looked slightly puzzled; "What do you mean?"
"You'll figure that out when you get back to the living," Jesse grinned inscrutably.
Buffy then turned to Jenny. "Anything you want me to tell Giles?"
Jenny laughed slightly. "Just that I will wait for him, but he'd better be living his own life before we meet again."
"Deal," Buffy agreed. She then turned once more to her mother. Wordlessly, she fell again into her arms. "Oh, Mom," she cried, tears of sorrow and joy mingling on her cheeks. "I miss you so much."
"I know, sweetheart, I know." Joyce held on for a few more seconds, then let go for the last time. "I'll always be with you, Buffy, in your heart."
"I know," said Buffy, warmed by that thought.
"Oh, and Buffy," Joyce added, "when you graduate from U. C. Sunnydale, try not to blow up the campus."
Buffy's laughter was a final release that she so desperately needed. All of her anguish, all of her sorrow, all of her pain had been eased. Not erased, she knew that would never truly happen. But eased. She knew now that she would be able to handle whatever happened in the future.
"You ready to go, Buffy?"
Buffy looked at Ben, and answered, "Yeah." She closed her eyes, knowing that she was ready to face the world.
She smiled; "Help me Clarence, I want to live again."
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"WAKE UP, DAMN YOU!" shouted a near-hysterical Willow, as she refused to give up on Buffy, even in her weakened condition. "Don't you dare leave me! Wake up, Buffy! Wake up!"
"Willow," Xander called, "stop it now!"
"No!" Willow replied desperately. "I'm not giving up!"
"No, not 'give up' stop," Xander explained hastily. "More like 'we have a pulse, you don't need to try and break her ribs' stop!"
Willow gazed at her childhood friend, thunderstruck. She hurriedly pressed her finger on Buffy's neck, at the carotid artery. She held it there for a few seconds, then glanced at Buffy's chest. The rise and fall of her chest was barely measurable, but she could see it. She leaned her head toward Buffy's nose and mouth, and felt the faintest signs of breath.
"She's alive," she whispered, not daring to fully believe it. "We did it." All the others said nothing, just sighed with relief. Dawn tightened her grip on Giles a little more, afraid to let go, but at the same time overjoyed to know that her sister still had a fighting chance. Tara looked mournfully at Willow as the redhead cried tears of joy over Buffy's body. She two felt conflicting emotions; gratitude and happiness that Buffy hadn't died, sorrow at the realization that her love for Willow would always be secondary to her. There was one more important to Willow, and Tara had no choice but to accept that truth.
Buffy's body suddenly gasped for air, and her eyes fluttered open. Willow tried to steady Buffy, crying out, "Buffy! You okay?" Dawn broke from Giles' arms and rushed to her sister. Buffy slowly lifted her head, signs of vertigo still causing her eyes to roll and her head to tilt on her neck. She glanced around, her eyes training on the redhead's face. "W-w-willow?" she murmured, her strength almost entirely spent.
"Yes, Buffy," Willow nearly broke down from the sheer volume of emotions she was feeling as she looked upon her beloved (for she knew now there was no other word to define her feelings for Buffy).
"Is--is Dawn here?"
Dawn knelt down and whispered; "I'm right here, Buff."
Buffy smiled slightly, but warmly. "Mom says hi, squirt."
Shortly, the siren of an ambulance cut through the silence, and quickly Buffy's body was carefully moved to a gurney and loaded onto the ambulance. Willow and Dawn were permitted to ride along with Buffy, while the others rode with Giles to the hospital.
What the next day would bring, no one dared to guess. Only one thing was certain.
Glory was gone. The nightmare was over. And a new world was beginning for all of them.