Fic: New Feelings

["jbstories _"]

New Feelings
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This one's from Buffy's POV. I guess the score is B3, and W2 now :)

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Chapter Five


Well, things on the mouth just keep getting weirder and weirder. But since
the hellmouth is one of the world's foremost centers for weird-ass activity
I guess that the fact that things are weird shouldn't really be a surprise.
Sometimes I just have to sit down every once in while and try to get the
world to stop spinning around me. Sometimes just living my life is like on
the tea cup ride at Disney Land. I hate the tea cup ride! And it's not
just being the Slayer and having to save a world and all of that that's
getting to me, I'm feeling weird too. Have the time I don't even know
what's going on in my own head.

I think that I've started some sort of relationship with Angel…but it's
really hard to know seeing as how he's a 200 plus year old vampire. I'm
really not sure about the protocol for a situation like that. But I know
it's something, since has kissed me and I let him. The thing is that I'm
not really sure how I feel about him. He's not cute, he's handsome there's
a difference. He's not this aura of mystery about him, and has these soft
haunted puppy dog eyes. But he's not some fuzzy little puppy and I know
that.

Angel however isn't my most pressing problem, although he does have the
potential to become a big one.

So what is my most pressing problem you may ask. I'll tell you. It's
Willow. Well, it's not really Willow, but it is. Did that make sense?
Probably not, I'll try to explain. Willow herself isn't the problem, she
great…the greatest. If you looked up the words great, gorgeous, phenomenal,
inspiring, goddess and many more I'm sure that her picture would be next to
all of them. She's just that great. I'm saying 'great' a lot, aren't I?
I'm sorry in advance since I'm probably going to continue doing it. I'm not
trying to be annoying, it's just that my vocabulary needs some work-I'm
trying to include words that I didn't make up-and, well, great is one of the
only words I can think of.

Willow just left my house about half an hour ago. The past couple of days
had been weird, again, and we came over to here to just try and act like
normal kids for once. The past week had been, interesting. I know that
living on a hellmouth Giles thought that he had faced all the horrors one
man could see, but this week he learned what true horror is when he was put
in charge of running the annual Talent Show. Now that's scary. I was all
ready to heckle him about it too, I had days worth of material stocked up
but was barely able to use any of it since Principle Jerk-ass-Flutie's
replacement, real name Synder-forced the gang and I into participating.
Then students started to be found with their heads cut off, and dummies-I'm
talking the ventriloquist kind here-turn out to be demon hunters, and a
magician wants to go all Mary Antoinette on Giles and cut off his head.
Then, after saving the world once again, the gang and I took to the stage
and bombed so badly I almost wished we had just let the demons win. Almost.

Anyway, Willow and I decided afterwards that mass consumption of chocolate
was definitely needed so we headed back to Fort Summers. Xander was suppose
to come with, but when we were passing the local Starbucks I girl at one of
the window booths winked at him, and of course he had to go see how many
different ways she could turn him down. It was alright with me, I the
prospect of spending some time alone with Willow was always a source of the
happies. A source of too many happies I was beginning to think. A source
of happies that required cold showers, and brisk long walks.

As I lay on my bed my mind started to drift back to earlier in the evening.

Mom had all sorts of her art junk all over the family room when we got to my
house leaving only one couch available to sit on. It was no biggie and
Willow and I hoped on together, after all sharing was a very admirable
trait. Anyway, the longer we sat there watching the crap that passed for
entertainment on TV we both started to feel the effects of our harrowing
day, and ended up shifting to get into better couch potato positions we
ended up kind of pushing up against each other.

"Will," I remember saying softly as her head fell on my shoulder. I had
started calling her that lately and she seemed to like it. She must have
started to fall asleep because when she heard me, she kind of blinked up at
me with a confused expression on her face. Then her eyes widened when she
realized that I was her pillow and she scooted back over to her side of the
couch.

"Sorry," she said looking down. I could see her blushing.

"It's alright," I told her. "Now I can add headrest to my list of skills.
It's not a long list, but…wait, it's just not a long list," I said smiling
as she looked over at me with that shy, sexy grin. I doubt she was aware of
how sensual a smile she had, but I was aware. I was very aware.

Finally, snapping back to reality I sighed and flung my arm over my eyes.

"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy," I muttered to myself. "What are you going to do?"

And that was the question.

Turning my head to the side my eyes fell upon the cross I had hanging from
my dresser mirror. I stared at it for a moment and found my thoughts
drifting to Angel. If I had known what he was feeling, or if we had been in
an actual relationship, I would have felt bad. Because as I was lay there
looking at the cross I understood, at least a little bit, what was going on.
Willow was the one that I wanted, really wanted. And I'm not talking
about just sex or anything like that. Willow she just brings out all of
these feelings in me, protective feelings, sensitive feelings, and all that
I want to do is hold her. But-and there's always a but-I was certain that
Willow didn't feel the same way.

But Angel, I knew how he was feeling. At least on the surface. He liked
me…was attracted to me. And I liked being liked. I wanted to be wanted,
and he gave that to me. As for how I feel about him. I think that's he's
attractive enough, and with 200 years of life experiences I doubt that he'd
be boring to be around. The vampire thing complicated things a bit, but if
everything in the world was black and white it would be boring.

But-see, there's that word again-I knew that what was happening was because
I couldn't have Willow. Things felt awkward because I was settling. I was
settling for someone who interested me, who was handsome, and who knew what
I was. On the surface that wouldn't seem like settling at all, but it was.

Still, everything is still new here. I mean, I've only been in Sunnydale
for a few months, and I can't really predict where life will take me. I
doubt the feeling that I have for Willow will ever go away, but these thing
with Angel might evolve, and if it does…well, I don't think that that would
be such a bad thing. Like that song goes, "everybody needs somebody
sometimes", and Angel, well he's a somebody.

Anyway, that's enough thinking for one night. I've got to kill stuff
tomorrow and I'm going to need a full night's sleep.

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Later,
Janine

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