FIC: Out in the Open(Part 8 of the 'Who Am I?' Series)

OUT IN THE OPEN (OR - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HIDING IN THERE?)

It had been three days since the whole confrontation with the Initiative. Since Riley's death, since her run in with Spike, and Buffy was still closed off. To everyone. She stayed holed up in her dorm room, not moving an inch. Didn't go to classes, anything. The only one who saw her was Willow. She was allowed admittance, well, because she lived there. But Buffy wasn't really talking to her about anything either.

Faith had been happy to pick up the slaying. Willow, Tara, and Xander had even come with her. She was still amazed that she could call them her friends. But the solo slaying, group behind her or not, was growing tired. She was only half of the Chosen Two, and she wanted Buffy out there with her. She couldn't do it by herself. She knew people dealt with loss in different ways, but three days with minimal human contact wasn't healthy.

It hadn't helped her; that was for sure. The Mayor had been *too* human, and couldn't really be considered actual human contact. Point was, he had driven her to do some very, very bad things.

And she didn't want to see that happen to Buffy. A purely selfish part of her wondered, if she died, would Buffy take her death this hard? She had thought Angel was the only one who Buffy had taken the time to brood over, but if all the people she loved got this treatment…well that was rather assuming of her. She didn't know if Buffy did or not. But she had hope.

Riley had been a good guy. It had stung her that she hadn't been able to do her job and get him out of there. That's what made saving lives a lot harder than taking them. It was a lot more work. Physically and emotionally. But it was rewarding work if you didn't screw up. It wasn't like she had pushed aside his death. Far from it.

She had screwed up. If they had just left when Buffy wanted to, Riley would have been alive now. Then again, by staying, they had really hurt the Initiative, and Faith had a feeling the group wouldn't try anything for awhile. At least not to them directly. So she was into self-preservation. Was that really a bad thing?

But the fact was that Buffy was hurting over it. And that meant Faith did too. Not in the same way, but still hurting. But she had to look positive. If they had died down there, or shortly thereafter, there would be no one to save the world. She had tried telling Buffy that after Allan's death, but she had gotten a bit too carried away. Her simple point was that there was a whole five billion people that still needed them, and right now Buffy was putting them at risk by not slaying.

She wasn't a monster, she grieved, but she didn't let it consume her. And it was time to help Buffy get back on track. She went up to the second floor of Stevenson Hall, and saw Willow coming down the hall. They met each other half way.

"You gonna give it a shot?" Willow asked.

"No change?"

Willow shook her head. "I just came to give her homework. I have a couple more classes. I don't know what to do. After you two came back that night we did the usual, and I thought she'd be fine."

"Usual?"

"Crying after a traumatic event. Sounds really bad saying it that way, but over four years we've all got an unwritten rule. Cry, one day of 'me' time, and at least attempt to do the life thing. Even when…with Oz…"

Wow. Willow was opening up to her. "You don't have…I get it."

She smiled saying she wanted to continue. "I'm just saying that even though I felt…not so good…I still did stuff. But she's breaking the rule. Even when Angel became Mr. Bad Guy, she wasn't like this. It's weird."

"I'll get her back."

"You think she will?"

"She won't have a choice."

Willow had to smile when she heard the forcefulness in Faith's voice. She put her hand on the slayer's arm. "Thanks."

***

Buffy showed barely any reaction when she heard the voice call to her on the other side of the door.

"B, I'm coming in."

The doorknob turned, and she watched Faith enter from her position on the bed. The dark-haired slayer closed the door behind her, locked it, and came to sit against the side of the bed.

"Taking shifts now?" Buffy asked. She couldn't tell whether her voice was angry or not.

"Below the belt, Chica. We just care about ya."

"I know." Buffy sighed. "So how long are you planning to be in here?"

"Long as you."

"Then get comfy, cause I don't really wanna leave anytime soon."

"If you insist." Faith climbed up onto the bed, and laid down beside her.

"Hey!"

"You said comfy. Choose your words more carefully next time." Buffy moved to get up, but Faith pulled her back down. "That's a no no. Cause then I'd follow you."

"But then you won't be comfy anymore."

"Says who?" That was a little off-topic, but it did make Buffy's eyebrows raise slightly. It was a start. "I'll never get tired of you, B. You're too much fun to be around."

"Was that sarcasm?"

Faith grinned. "You're a quick one. But under normal circumstances you're loads of fun."

"And what exactly is 'normal circumstances'?"

"Anything that doesn't involve sitting here stone-faced and catatonic."

"That was harsh."

"Yeah, maybe. But Red already tried the comfort angle. Didn't work. So I'm giving it to you straight up. Start talking and I might be nice."

"That's supposed to be an incentive?" Faith cringed just the tiniest bit, but Buffy caught it. "Damn. I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"I know you didn't, but we have a choice here. We could throw daggers at one another," Buffy flinched now, "though not in the literal sense. And even though I can, I really don't want to, cause it doesn't get us anywhere."

"What's the other choice?"

"Talk to me. I know I'm probably the last person you want to…hey, you think if I get you drunk again you'd spill the beans?"

Buffy smirked a little. "Getting a tad suggestive, aren't you?"

"If we do that again, I want to be nice and sober for it. But you're just playin' on my weaknesses, B, and I don't like it."

The blonde went stoic again. "Talk or not talk, huh?"

"That is the question. And it's your call."

***

Tara paced outside the classroom Willow was currently occupying. She was going to come out and tell her. She was…she was…she was. But maybe it was a bad idea. Willow had been in love with a guy before. Really in love. Whereas she had never been in love with anybody. This was a big thing. Something that shouldn't be taken lightly.

She peaked in at Willow sitting in the first row. Then again, if Willow felt the same way, it could turn out to be really great. But what if she didn't? Then the friendship Tara had formed with her would be destroyed. The consequences of rejection were too great. Why risk an already good thing?

To make it even better, she told herself. She grabbed her head in frustration. A half an hour. A half an hour until the class was out. Then it would be decision time. Finally. One way or the other.

***

"Ice cream. Mini-fridge." Buffy said pointing.

Faith got up off the bed, did as ordered, but was puzzled. "What's ice cream have to do with anything?"

"It's the non-alcoholic way to drown your sorrows. It's the only way I'm speaking." Faith brought back a pint of cookie dough ice cream, and resumed her previous position on the bed. Buffy opened it, and pulled out two spoons from her beside bureau. "Better."

"So…what's going on with you? Three days is a long time."

Buffy ate some. "Been thinking, I guess."

"About him?"

"That was the first day."

"If he was the first day, why'd you break the rule?"

"Will told you, huh?" Buffy smiled. "I've been thinking about my love life. And about how I screw up anyone who dares to love me."

"That isn't true."

"Oh really? I turn Angel evil and send him to Hell, I scared Scott off and probably scarred him for life, I got Riley killed…and…"

"First, there's nothing wrong with you. They chose to take the risks. It's your fault because you -?"

"Because I loved them, yeah. I didn't know what I was doing with Angel. I had never felt that way before. It was all so new, and I…he became my world. I rushed things because I couldn't handle my own emotions. Angel didn't know about the curse."

"You didn't either."

"But I should have made sure there were no risks."

"You think there's a 'How to Guide' on sleeping with souled vamps? There isn't, B. You can look back and say this now, but there's nothing you could've done."

"Okay then. Scott. Normal guy. I didn't tell him the risks. He really liked me too. I guess I really didn't "love him" love him, but I was trying so hard to get over Angel, that I rushed to try and date him when…"

"The A guy came back. Out of your control, B."

"But then I led him on. And that wasn't right."

"Why do you do this to yourself?" Faith took a deep breath. "You only got one left. I'm interested to see how you find yourself in the wrong on this one."

"Actually, I have two left." Faith was confused. "You wanna know how it's my fault? Cause if I had never…he wouldn't have gotten those ideas about breaking away…and he'd…still be alive."

"You gotta do better than that."

"What do you mean?"

"Buffy," Buffy figured she must really be serious if her whole name was spoken, "the guy was involved in an underground GI Joe operation that experimented on demons. Either way you paint it, the guy was in for a serious hurt eventually."

"So you're saying I did him a favor by helping what was inevitable anyway?" Buffy asked, her voice angry.

"No! I'm saying you didn't do anything. That's the point. I'm not the cold bitch you might think of am, you know. I'm sad about him dying too."

"I don't think you're cold. Or a bitch." Buffy said softly.

"Look, all I'm saying is, he chose that life. He had to accept certain possibilities. Death at an early age being at the top of the list. You didn't choose to kill demons, he did. Big diff."

"Well then fate seems to be against me, because apparently I'm not allowed to love anybody. And whoever's fault it is, Angel, Scott, Riley, and you, didn't deserve it."

"No. They didn't." Did Buffy just say -? "Me?"

***

As Willow came out of the classroom, Tara decided she would talk to her. If the conversation got to *that* point, then she would tell. She followed behind Willow, and eventually tapped her on the shoulder. The redhead whirled around.

"Oh! Tara. You scared me."

"Sorry." Tara said, nervousness in her voice.

"What's up?"

"I…can we talk?"

Willow couldn't figure out why Tara was so, shier, than usual. "Your place?"

"Could we walk? I just…we could get distracted there…by spell stuff…and…"

Willow squeezed Tara's hand. "That sounds nice."

They started to head out of the building. "So…how's Buffy?"

"The same. Faith's in with her now."

"You think it's working?"

"I hope so."

***

"Yes, you. Now's a good a time as any. I love you, Faith. Now you can get a head start and run away from me before your second chance is ruined."

"Hang on. Let me get this straight. You love me?"

"Don't act so surprised. But now we've got ourselves a situation."

"Do we?" Faith had a concerned look. It took all of her energy to not continue with the way the conversation had been going. "No…wait a sec. Explain to me why I should run away. I tried that already, and it led to trouble."

"And I caused it. I pushed you away over and over…and -"

Faith shot off the bed. Her face clearly showed anger as she turned to face Buffy. "We did this already! It was my fault!"

"It was my fault. I loved you all the way back then. Didn't really know, though, cause I was 'with' Angel. So when I first met you, instead of dealing and trying to be friends with you, I decided to just brush you off. After that, and when we started slaying regularly and stuff, cause I didn't have a choice, I thought maybe we could be friends. But then I started feeling guilty when I was with you, and I didn't know why.

"I started driving you away again after Christmas. And only then, when you went to the Mayor, did I realize what I lost. I wanted you back, but before I could really get a grip on what I felt for you, you turned completely to the dark side, and my feelings got buried cause I had to fight you.

"And when I stuck the knife…in my mind, I killed you in a way. Just like everyone else. We were given a chance to start over now. I don't know why, but I want to do it right. Friendship is good. We've built a nice thing here. Haven't we?"

"You tell me you…nobody has ever said that to me, and now you're telling me I can't?"

"You deserved to know. Do you love me?" Faith looked away. "Ha! You're afraid to say it because of what might happen. Well now you know how I feel."

"I love you." Faith said almost inaudible.

"What did you say?"

Faith turned around. "I love you, okay? Now we're both out in the open. And you're right. I'm scared as hell. Cause I don't want to mess up. We both know my rep. But I'll be real selfish right now. I've never needed much before. Always scrounged up enough to get by. But, and it's hard to admit this, I need you. Everything. And if you feel the same way, there's no damn way I'm going to let my 'what ifs' ruin what could be really good."

"That isn't enough."

"Not enough? Here. I promise that if I die, I won't blame you. Okay?"

"Not funny, Faith."

"Wasn't meant to be. You've gotta learn to let go."

"It's hard."

"You're too hard on yourself. I'd be cool with it if you needed time to deal with Riley, but if you're holding back because you're afraid you'll screw me up, don't worry. I'm already at the lowest rung of the ladder, B. Only place to go is up.

"I know the risks. We're in the same biz. And I'll say this one last time, and then this will never be mentioned again. I didn't think before I acted, I jumped to conclusions, and I screwed up. It was not your fault. I handled things badly, my mistakes, not yours. Say, 'Okay, Faith.'"

"Okay…"

"More?"

"Faith. Okay, Faith." Buffy smiled.

***

Willow and Tara walked around on the lawn outside campus not going anywhere in particular. They were in mid-conversation, and had been talking about little things for the past fifteen minutes.

"So I got a paper for -" Willow started.

'Just say it. Even if she says no, I'm sure she'll be cool about it. She's always cool about stuff.'

"I love you."

Willow turned and smiled at her. "I love you too."

"No…not just…like that."

They stopped.

"Well, what other way could you mean…oh." She looked at Tara for another second, and promptly fainted.

Tara caught her before she hit the ground. Not exactly the reaction she was expecting.

***

"Did it ever occur to that college girl brain of yours that the reason we were given a second chance is to do everything right again? Not just the friendship part?"

"It crossed my mind."

"You want to know why I respect you so much? Not cause you're a kick ass slayer, or because you have things I don't, but because you're real careful about opening up your heart to people. When you decide to love someone, you go all the way. And I'm not talking about screwing. You give everything. You risk everything. You care so much, and aren't afraid to take on other people's baggage."

"But I shouldn't. I mean, look where it's gotten me. I take they're baggage, sure. Then I try to help, and it all goes wrong. I don't know that the hell I'm doing."

"Guess what? Nobody does. It's called living life, B. Something I haven't done for a real long time. Cause I was afraid of getting hurt…and…sometimes you get a win, sometimes you get a loss. But when you get a loss, you keep going. You heal up, and try again. You don't give up."

"Cause giving up is bad. Wrong even. Right?"

"It's not a good way to go. Believe me. I never enjoyed doing those jobs for the Mayor. Not really. I had to act like I did so he wouldn't kill me. I got a little into it sometimes, and I felt myself slipping away every time. You definitely don't want to ever give up."

"What should we do?"

"I think I'm a little biased there, B."

Buffy grinned a little. "I trust you, you know that right?"

"I do now."

"Well I do. And I…it's just that…after my previous attempts…"

"Hey it's understandable. Um…Scott."

"What about him?

"He never really took off right?"

"Never got a chance to, really. But I still…"

Faith sat on the bed quickly, and put a finger to Buffy's lips. "No more of that." "Why'd you ask me about Scott?"

"Come on, you know what they say. Third time's a charm. If you're willing to give it a shot. If you're ready."

"Riley's gone. I loved him, and that won't change. But me sitting here any longer isn't going to bring him back, or help anything for that matter. I developed Angel's brooding habit, and it's time I shook it off."

"That means?"

"It means, I love you."

"And that means?"

"I want to give us a shot. If you're willing to trust me."

"That's all I have to do? Yes, I trust you. And here I thought there was a test."

Buffy swatted her. "Smartass. This was a test. For both of us."

"Think we passed?"

"God, I hope so."

She leaned forward and kissed Faith. It wasn't like anything Faith had felt before. It was so full of…oh. So this was what love was. It wasn't like the kiss she had initiated that night. This was Buffy's way. It was meant to convey feelings. And it was amazing. So amazing, that they both didn't hear the door bust open, and the handle bust.

***

They stopped reluctantly, and turned around to see Tara carrying Willow in her arms.

"Sorry. It was locked and…I didn't know I could kick that hard…"

"Forget the door, what happened?" Buffy asked.

"I kinda took your advice…and told her…and…"

Faith started laughing. She could just picture it.

"Faith!" Buffy said. "Put her on her bed Tara. I'll get some water."

Buffy walked out into the hall and towards the bathroom.

"Sorry. It's just, only she would just flat out faint like that." Faith finally said.

"Do you think she -?"

"She's loves you. Trust me."

"How do you know for sure?"

Faith thought a minute and smiled. "I just do. That's what love is. You just…know."

***

"How's he doing?" Graham asked a doctor.

"The last transplant went off without any problems. We won't make the same mistakes this time."

"I just hope you don't make new ones. We can't afford that. He's too well prepared to lose."

Graham looked down at the sheet-covered body on the table, and allowed himself a small smile. In the Initiative, they looked out for their own. Even if it meant tweaking a few things. Adam was a prototype. A promising, however, flawed prototype. But this one would be different.

Riley had taught Graham everything he knew. His mentor didn't deserve to die by a comrade's weapon. So Graham did the only thing he could to see that Riley was taken care of. He was always the best, and it was only fair that he be the next of them to achieve the status Professor Walsh had wanted.

It was the right thing to do.